10.
I pulled it out and looked at the number, wondering if I should call her. It seemed stupid to call Akiko, having to relive everything about, but I didn't want to be alone. Plus she probably didn't want to hear me blubber on about some girl she hated. But I was tired of crying. My eyes hurt.
"Hello?" Akiko's voice came from my phone. She sounded confused as she didn't recognize my number. I didn't answer. I was tempted to hang up on her. "Hello?"
I still didn't answer, I don't know why my voice was failing me, but I couldn't talk.
"I can hear you breathing." Akiko's voice came back. "Hello?"
"Hello." I managed out. My voice sounded cracked. and horrible.
"Who is this?"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called." I spilled out quickly and hung up, my heart pounding.
I was about to place my phone back into my pocket but it rang. It was Akiko's number. Feeling foolish I answered the phone.
"Haneda, is that you?"
"Yeah."
"You idiot, you scared me breathing all heavy." Akiko's voice had a hint of laughter in it.
"Sorry."
There was a moment of silence then she asked. "What's wrong?"
"I met with Miyu-chan earlier." I told her lamely. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Then why'd you call- oh nevermind, where are you? Do you want some company."
"Yes."
We made arrangements to meet at the same park Miyu and I went on our first date. I don't know why I picked that out, it was close by and I for some reason I wanted to torture myself more. When I arrived, I saw Akiko was already there, completely out of breath, with her fringe matted to her forehead. it looked like she ran the whole way there from where ever she was. Part of me felt moved.
"There you care Haneda-san." She said, breathlessly.
We walked in the park in, neither of us speaking. I didn't want to talk and for once she didn't press. Somewhere along the line, Akiko had grabbed my hand was was holding it tight. I allowed her to hold it. It felt nice.
"So, how should I be?" Akiko interrupted my self-loathing. "Do you want me to hate Hoshino for you or just pretend she doesn't exist?"
"I don't know." I told her. I really didn't know what I wanted to feel myself.
"Well for the time being I'll hate her, how's that?"
"Okay." I smiled slightly.
"By the way, I hope you don't go back to looking like this all the time."
I looked down at myself, remembering I was in my bother's clothes again. "Oh."
"I like you better in girl's clothes."
"I don't think I can dress like that anymore. Miyu-chan liked me in girl's clothes."
"So what. Rub in what she's missing out on." Akiko stuck her tongue out.
Something inside of me laughed at that, even if I didn't do it outwardly. "Yeah right. I met the other girl today. She's cuter than me."
"Is she cuter than me?" Akiko asked.
"I don't know. You're about the same."
"Some smooth talker you are." Akiko kept things light. "You're supposed to go 'Oh no, you're way cuter than she is. In fact she's a fat cow.' Or something like that."
"You're cuter." I told her. "Does that make you feel better?"
"Hmm, I dunno." Akiko played looking confused. "Do you think Hoshino is the jealous type?"
"I don't care if she is." I murmered bitterly.
"Woah. Okay too soon, Akiko." Akiko said to herself. "I was going to make a joke about how you can pretend to be going out with me to piss her off. Sorry about that."
"It's alright. I know you're just trying to cheer me up. Besides, I couldn't use you like that anyway. Not after what you told me the other day."
"Oh that… don't worry about it. I'm not here trying to catch a date or anything. Though I wouldn't be opposed to it."
I looked at her wondering if she really did like me like she said she said. At the time she didn't have any reason to lie. But I couldn't ask that now. My heart still felt broken and I couldn't trust myself on what I'd do if she took advantage of it.
"Hmm, this is it. Here I saw you before with Hoshino." Akiko looked at the big tree that was once a special place in my heart.
"Let's turn around." I looked away.
"Why'd you pick here, of all places?"
"I wanted to punish myself." I told her without even thinking. It was true. Why else would I come back here after being dumped?
"It's not your fault, why are you punishing yourself?"
"For falling for her."
"That's stupid."
"You're doing a real good job at cheering me up." I told her sarcastically.
"Well it is. You can't help who you fall in love with. Trust me, I know."
I wondered if she was referring to her feelings towards me, but I dare not ask that now.
"Look, she was in the wrong, right? She was cheating, not you. So don't hate yourself. Hate her."
"I wish I could. I want to but I can't."
"Why? Because she acts so shy and sweet? She's nothing but a two-timer."
"Please don't talk about her like that." I couldn't take it.
"You don't have to defend her actions to me. I'm sure there are reasons she did what she did. But you called me to be that friend. You know, the one who points out all the flaws in your ex and helps you move on? So let me rage and hate her all I can; hate her in ways you can never allow yourself to do. That way you can live through me and get over her flat ass."
I laughed. Akiko was just so odd. "Okay." I gave in a little.
She let go of my hand and rolled up her sleeves. "Now tell me something that really annoyed you about her."
"I don't know…"
"C'mon, just trust me on this one…"
I tried to think. It felt wrong to do this, but part of me wanted it at the same time. "I guess the biggest thing was she always wanted me to take charge… I was new to the whole girlfriend thing too, but somehow because I look like this I got picked to be the boy role."
"So you're saying if we ever go out, I have to be the guy?" Akiko scrunched her nose.
"Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, no, sorry. Well you are less outspoken than I am, so I guess it's okay if I take the lead."
"Who said we were going out?" I couldn't help but smirk.
"No one apparently." Akiko teased. "Then again, if I'm the guy, I guess it should be me…"
"Oh stop." I tried to stop smiling at her nonsense, but she was cheering me up despite myself.
"So you don't like weak women." Akiko continued. "I'm glad I got that covered. Okay, what else?"
"What else of what?"
"What annoyed you about Hoshino?"
"You're still on that?"
"Go on…"
"Ummm… I guess being a cheating bitch is a given." I found myself saying, then immediately felt guilty for saying it. "I didn't mean that."
Akiko smiled warily and hugged me. I accepted her hug unconsciously smelling her hair in the process. I had gotten used to doing that with Miyu. I'm such a moron.
"Why are you being so kind to me?" I asked her, still holding on to her.
"To get in your pants, dummy."
And so my friendship with Akiko began that day. I guess there are always goods and bads when a relationship ends. When you're in the heat of it, you don't see the things that matter later on. I was so into Miyu that I was blinded to any hint that she was the type of person she was. The sad thing is that a week later Miyu actually came up to me and told me Risa broke up with her and that she wanted me back. If Akiko hadn't be helping me out all that time I would have given in.
I don't hate Miyu. Part of me still loves her. But I can't ever be with her again after the way she used me like that. I know she's a shy person and that she had trouble with picking which girl she liked, but she led both me and Risa on for way to long. I still see her every now and then and part of me wants to kiss her like we used to kiss.
A good thing that came out of this was that Risa and I met. She's much more receptive towards the Miyu-hate that Akiko likes to spew out than I am. I asked her why she broke up with Miyu later on and she told me that all she could think about was how heart broken I looked when I was dumped and knew that was her future.
Akiko wouldn't allow me to go back to wearing boys clothes. As soon as I was out of my depression, she forced me to dress girly again. I wasn't to hot on the idea until all the glowing praises I got from both Akiko and Risa. I guess compliments do help out the ego.
We formed a trio of sorts. Akiko still has a thing for me, but I don't feel the same way for her. She's a better friend, I guess. I feel bad that I can't acknowledge my feelings for her, but she understands. Right now she's dating some korean girl in the art department with multicolored dreadlocks. Risa and I tease her all the time for that.
If I were to date anyone in our trio it would be Risa, but both of us know that we can't make it work. We both dated Miyu, it'd be too weird. Sometimes I think about it though, and wish we could. She's so pretty, and we have that same chemistry I had with Miyu. But like I said… Miyu memories happen whenever we get too close. Maybe some day... but not now. Right now she's got her eye on some freshman girl from the sticks. I can't see the appeal, other than she's got really big boobs.
As for me I'm not seeing anyone. I dated a rebound girl after Miyu, but that didn't last long. She was bisexual and just wanted something physical. It sucks that she was my first time, but I guess that's life. Right now I'm just enjoying having good friends with my options open for something special in the future. Whatever happens will happen. I'll just take life moment to moment.
And I guess that's all.
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