Sai opened the door to her apartment. It was dark and quiet, like always. She flicked on the light and carefully hung her bag and coat on the hook, removing her shoes. She gave the dust gathering on her fingers a displeased look. Her apartment was becoming dark, quiet, and dirty. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cleaned it, it must have been months. She couldn’t bring herself to contemplate it; she’d never cleaned the place. It was Kaede who cleaned; it had been their apartment until just a few weeks ago. She hadn’t spent much time here in the last three months. She’d spent nearly twenty hours a day at the hospital at her dying girlfriend’s bedside.
She stepped past the genkan and made her way to the kitchen; she knew that there was at least tea. She filled the kettle and set it on the stove to boil. She settled down at the table, staring at the empty cup with a tea bag sitting in it. She was alone, again. She’d lost another loved one to the hospital. She hated those places of disease and death. They brought her only despair. She could feel tears start in her eyes, the sting of them. She rubbed them away. She wouldn’t cry, not now. She hadn’t cried since Kaede’s death, she wasn’t going to start now. She’d had to be strong, to face her parents with sharp disapproval in their eyes as they’d come to collect her things. All of her things, her clothes, her hair and tooth brushes, even Blanche. She’d had to hold all of their friends as they cried at her bedside, not even giving her own emotions a thought. She’d tried her hardest to be strong for Kaede too, to be the anchor. Kaede had only a little life left and it didn’t seem fair to waste all of it weeping on her. She’d tried to talk to her as normal, to sit at her bedside reading and chatting with her, but most of the time she was hiding her tears behind the book. A few times she had crawled in bed with Kaede and snuggled into her frail and failing body, sobbing on her chest while the brunette stroked her short hair.
She hadn’t been strong for Kaede; she would be a pillar of ice for everyone else. She pushed her emotions away the way she had when Rin fell ill. She did her best outside of the apartment, but within its walls all she could see was Kaede’s colors dancing around. Even without her or her possessions, there was still the fact that she’d decorated the place, had breathed life into the still space. Here she allowed herself to feel the sadness and grief she was able to push away everywhere else. Kaede had called this melting the ice. Only she had been able to do it, to warm the frozen heart of the Ice Queen. Here she was nothing but a puddle.
The kettle shrilled, and she popped the whistle cap. She poured the water into the cup and let the bag steep. She thought of taking a bath, but dismissed the idea. She would take one tomorrow in the morning before- nothing really. She’d pulled out of the layer competition season when Kaede was diagnosed and had no will to enter now. She had enough money to live the rest of her life in comfort, but was planning on reentering next season. As it stood, she spent most of her days outside of the apartment, just spending time with other people. They made a point to invite her out to quiet place, restaurants to make sure she was eating; springs to be sure she was bathing and shops to make sure she was financially secure. She often ended up staying over at her friend’s houses because it was late and she didn’t have the will to insist that she would be fine at home. Tomorrow she hadn’t made any plans. She could go out to a café, watch some layer or anime, and maybe even a book store. She sipped her tea experimentally.
She realized she didn’t want to do any of those things. She wanted to lay on her futon and cry. She wanted to snuggle and laugh with Kaede, she wanted to be pulled into a soft bosom and nestled until she finally thawed enough for her emotions to show. She didn’t want to eat or read because that meant constructing her towers of ice so expertly even she couldn’t see or feel the emotions choking her heart. She was full of pain and sadness that wouldn’t melt away. The worst part was the people that swirled around her constantly badgering her with empty good intent. They asked her if she was okay. She wasn’t. If she needed anything? Kaede, a hug. If she was getting along? Just fine, but I feel so empty. How are you feeling? Horrible. There is nothing you can do. Just leave me alone. Kill me. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve spent so much time mourning, just let me die. I’m a curse. I kill the things I love. I freeze them and they’re no good anymore like freezer burnt food. I don’t deserve friends because I just kill them all. Leave me alone before you die to.
She was crying now. Sobbing hysterically. Kaede would have come and hugged her. Led her from the table to the futon. They would have laid down. Kaede would have melted her ice, held her close and just let her melt. Let her become a puddle in her arms and then form her back up with her hugs and kisses. They would laugh about it; talk about her troubles, about Rin, about Kaede’s death, how everyone around her was clueless. Kaede was dead. Sai wanted to die too. No one would miss her. Not much. She bit her lip and stood from the table to retreat to the bedroom.