I kind of ignored my phone for a few days after the kiss with Tori. From the get-go, I had been worried what this whole fiasco would result in and I should\'ve known that if it involved Tori Vega, it would not be a simple process. God forbid she made anything easy. Still, I hadn\'t expected it to be this fucking conflicting and hard. Wasn\'t the whole point of this situation that we all just had sex, once or twice, and called it quits? Then Tori would go back to whatever stupid shit she was doing and leave Cat and me alone except for awkward drunken phone calls and Christmas?
Except, honestly, there had been no rules set down to begin with. Everything that was unfurling was happening based on assumptions and plain ignorance. I hated to admit it, but yeah, maybe some of what was happening was based on the hope that it would become something more -- which I didn\'t want to think about. I refused to acknowledge that little voice that hoped something more could come of this. We lived in a modern society where after interracial and gay relationships had become mostly accepted, the only types of relationships left to despise were immoral and polyamorous ones, and I was fine with that.
So why did my heart beat so hard whenever I thought about being in bed with Cat and Tori at the same time and we\'re only snuggled up together in that peaceful moment before sleep? I blush at the thought of Cat cooking breakfast while Tori stretches out beside me in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. The few sexual thoughts involving the three of us usually end up with me either with my hand buried between my thighs or in the shower with scalding hot water on me to chase them away. I don\'t understand what the hell is going on in my head anymore, all I feel is the desire that\'s too needy and hopeful for my liking.
It\'s just going to be sex, I keep telling myself, but my heart hopes for that little bit more. Stupid, treacherous body.
Cat finally sought me out when I told her to buzz off over text message, after not having spoken to her for days. She knew me well enough to know that me withdrawing and being crabby meant something was wrong with me. When I opened the door to Cat, her ruby locks were dripping wet and her make up was running. It\'d been raining on and off for the last two days, which I liked. I felt the gloomy weather fit my mood far better that way. When Cat entered my apartment, her shoes squished with water and her clothes were glued to her from the weather, but the look of concern in her eyes was large and probably didn\'t even register any of this as I handed her a towel.
“What\'s wrong, Jade?” she asked, simply clenching the towel – it was already forgotten in her hands.
“Nothing. Can\'t you take a clue when I say \'buzz off\'? It means I want to be left alone.”
“You haven\'t talked to me in days. I\'m worried. You left so suddenly the other day but Tori wouldn\'t tell me what had happened.” Her voice went low and suspicious. “She didn\'t do something to you, did she?”
I wanted to laugh, and I was annoyed by the fact that no matter what, Cat had this way of being able to figure out a way to draw me back out of the dark hole I loved to climb into. Running my hand through my hair, I looked away.
“You\'re dripping all over my floor. Why don\'t you get undressed and hop into the shower?”
“Not until you tell me what happened.”
“I...”
Damn you, Cat. Stop climbing into my head and heart and making me feel more than what I have to, is what I wanted to say right then, but I knew she had already won my tongue.
“Nothing happened. I kissed Tori is all,” I said, feeling a little defeated.
Scowling, Cat tilted her head. “And that was bad?”
Yes! God, yes, it was. She was delicious and amazing and my heart was in my throat with how she fucking made me feel.
“No, it wasn\'t.”
“Jade...?”
I avoided Cat\'s gaze. “Let\'s hop in the shower together and maybe talk there.”
I really was getting annoyed that she was dripping all over my carpet, but at that moment, anything to prolong the fact that I would have to discuss my weak ass feelings was a blessing.
Thankfully, Cat obeyed and peeled herself out of her wet clothes, handing them to me as she quietly toweled her hair so it wouldn\'t continue to drip before heading off toward the bathroom. I dumped her clothes in the washing machine, not bothering to separate her white top from her red capris – I was sure she would love her new pink top later – and headed off to the bathroom. The shower was already running with Cat beneath it\'s warm embrace when I entered. I knew I didn\'t have to jump in with her, but it had been awhile since I\'d gotten any action, besides, it might actually involve less talking than I had promised to Cat.
I stripped off my clothes and left them in a heap on the floor before I pulled back the shower curtain and joined the redhead. I watched her while she rinsed shampoo off her hair, soapy water cascading down her shoulders and breasts, obscuring my view of her nipples slightly. I waited until she was done before pressing her against the tiles and kissing her hard and desperate. I wanted to put Tori as far out of my mind as I could at the moment. I wanted Cat and nothing more; I wanted her the way I had had her a few weeks ago before things got complicated.
She melted into me, a hand coming to press gently on the nape of my neck as the shower pelted my hair and back with water. My hands on her hips, I ground my mound against hers, making her gasp and spread her legs, hips shifting to allow my grinding to hit her where she would benefit from it the most. I shuddered at the display, loving how I could make her feel and how she could make me feel. Pulling my face away, I leaned back into the water so my face was beneath the shower\'s spray as I listened to Cat\'s soft gasps. I didn\'t want to feel anything but Cat right then. I just wanted to feel her and not be reminded of the fact that soon things might be different. Soon, Tori will be pressed against us and I didn\'t know if things would ever feel this perfect again, so I wanted to relish this moment.
When I pulled my face away from the water and shook away some of it so I could open my eyes, I found Cat\'s brown eyes watching me carefully. I couldn\'t read what might\'ve been on her mind, but I knew that she was still worried about me. Trying to open my mouth to tell her not to worry, Cat slipped her hand down between us and brushed her fingers softly against my clit. No, I didn\'t want her touching me just yet, so I reached for her hand to pull her away, but she quickly grabbed my wrist with her other hand. Despite her small frame, she maneuvered us around so that I was the one pressed against the tiled wall. Her fingers brushed my clit more, making me give up the fight as I succumbed to her actions.
“I want you to tell me what is wrong with you,” she said.
Opening my mouth to tell her something, I don\'t know what, I was quickly cut off by her fingers slipping lower and wiggling into me. Cat pressed against me tightly, moving her fingers quickly inside of me as she coaxed one of my legs up with her free hand. I panted as she finger fucked me, letting my arms wrap around her shoulders as she worked my body. My leg, captive in her surprisingly strong grasp, wrapped awkwardly around her waist as I used the leverage of the position and the wall I was pressed against to push down on her fingers as she pushed up.
“Cat...” I groaned, hating the heady tone of my voice. “Please...”
“Please what?”
“Don\'t stop...” I sighed as I felt my stomach tighten and my body begin to tense.
Cat knew what I meant as she felt me tense around her fingers. Kissing my throat and shoulder, she paused for only a second as I came, soundlessly crying her name, before going back to work. I felt the fuzzy warmth of my orgasm but I ignored it. I wanted that fuzzy warmth to be hot and suffocating; I wanted it to drown me. Cat fucked me through the shudders and up to another orgasm. This time, I pressed my face against her shoulder when I came and cried in both relief and from everything conflicting that had been fucking about in my head. I don\'t liked that I cried, at all, but it felt like a welcome release when it was over. I could think clearer now.
Only Cat could coerce such embarrassing emotions out of me. I preferred it that way because it was only one person, someone that I trusted and who I was damn near positive would never hurt me intentionally. Of course, Tori was the cause of these stupid emotions to begin with and the implications this pointed to were ones that made me uncertain.
“Are you ready to talk, Jade?” Cat asked when I had pulled away and ducked beneath the water to hide my tears.
Silent for a long time as I went about cleaning myself, I debated on an answer.
“Sure, but let\'s get of here before the hot water disappears,” I finally said, shutting off the water.
We didn\'t bother to get dressed after the shower. Instead, we dried off and climbed beneath the black cotton sheets of my king size bed. It seemed pointless to have such a large bed, but I liked how the black sheets made me feel like I was being swallowed up by my bed at night. Like, there was no end of the bed and no beginning of the darkness when the lights went out. It made fucking there feel like fucking in a void. It was magical in a macabre way. Together, we laid there quietly for a long time with the night light Cat made me keep for when she stayed over, glowing dimly on the wall.
“So...?” Cat prodded finally.
She knew I wouldn\'t talk unless she prodded.
“Why is Tori making this so weird?” I finally said in a rush of breath. “Why can\'t she just get it on with us and be done with it?”
Cat seemed surprised by my words.
“I don\'t think it\'s weird. She wants to enjoy it. Taking our time is like foreplay. The longer it\'s drawn out, the better the sex,” Cat said with a smile.
“It\'s stupid...” I grumbled, hating that what Cat had just said made perfect sense.
“Jade, can I ask you a question?”
I looked at her, eyebrow quirked up. Something in her voice had changed.
“Are you in love with Tori?”
“What? Why would I be in love with the chick I vehemently avoided and hated all throughout high school?” I scoffed.
“Well, they say that when someone likes someone else a lot, they tend to be really mean to them. One time, my brother...”
“No,” I cut her off quickly. “I\'ve told you before, I will not listen to stories about your crazy brother while we are naked in bed.”
“Sorry,” Cat pouted.
She lapsed into silence for a moment. Only for a moment.
“So... Do you?”
“What? Like Vega?”
“Yes.”
“Not like you think...”
Way to be confusing, and a fantastic job with concealing your true feelings.
“Hmm... Do you like me?” she asked.
“You know how I feel about you, Cat.”
When had this become a game of Twenty Questions?
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Yes, Cat. I like you. A lot.”
“Do you love me?” she asked, straddling my legs.
“Yes,” I said, brushing my hand through some of her still wet hair.
“Do you like Tori like how you like me?”
Oh, I see what she did there. Sneaky girl.
“I... Don\'t know. Maybe.” I frowned.
“Are you afraid that she might like you back in the same way?”
Whoa, where did that come from?
“After the way I\'ve treated her all these years? Why would she?”
“The real question is why did she accept my proposal, even knowing you were part of the deal?”
Cat kissed me then, tired of talking, but my thoughts were spinning so fast that I wondered if they would drip out of my ears if I tilted my head. See what I\'ve been saying? Cat just had this way with getting into my head and reading me like a book that I\'m surprised she didn\'t have nightmares from it. Honestly speaking, I hadn\'t really wanted to acknowledge the fact that I might like Tori, you know, a lot, but doing it, even if reluctantly, Cat was able to point out my secret fear. The one that had been quiet and meek, hiding beneath a stack of unwanted emotions in that weird little broom closet in my sub-conscious:
What if Tori didn\'t like me back?
Was that what I\'ve been trying to rack my brain about all this time? I mean, okay, yeah, I picked on Tori a lot in school because I hated her, but moreso because I liked her. This whole time, I tried to ignore that, but I did it because I was also afraid that she would reject me. The easiest way to avoid rejection was to ignore it. To brush temptation out of your way and keep walking like you didn\'t even see it standing there. That\'s what I had been doing for years and now I was tripping. I was facing my temptation and realizing that it might have an interest in me too.
Truthfully, it was still scary.
I didn\'t want to think of how this would end, but I knew that the only way to get over either the fear or Tori herself was to face them head on and see what stood standing when the dust settled.
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