DISCLAIMER: My story, my characters. Standard rules apply...conversion to metric rules available upon request.
Ikimashou!
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GIRL ON A TRAIN – A short story by MadPanda
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I must have been crazy. No, let me rephrase that—I must have been certifiably nuts. There should be limits to how far a girl should go for a friendship, and I think I passed that limit the moment I boarded the subway at Grand Central. Here I was on the third train of my three-hours-plus ride through four of New York's five boroughs...just to make sure my best friend survived her latest breakup. A simple phone call should have been enough, but even that turned into an impossible task; Lydia had been practically incoherent, what with all the crying and broken sentences. Being the bleeding heart idiot that I am, I decide to travel from Far Rockaway all the way out to the furthest reaches of the Bronx to console her. The sad part is, I already know how this will play out: after talking her down from her emotional ledge, she'll thank me later, tell me what a great friend I am, and forget all about the fool that dumped her. Then I'll make the long return trip, alone. I've done it before...I'll do it again. Dumbass. One day I'll learn.
Amid the dozens of anonymous people in this car, one person caught my eye. She stood at the front end, a few feet from where I was sitting. She stared out the front window of the subway car, probably watching the tracks as they passed under the train. At least, I think that's what she was doing, as her head was turned away from me. The odd thing was, she never moved an inch—even when the trian would roar through express stops or make its wild turns under the city...other passengers would lean or sway, but she barely budged. I watched her in amazement...was she so deep in thought that she didn't even feel the train moving? What could hold her attention so tightly?
The train started to thin out a bit as we moved through upper Manhattan and into East Harlem, so I took the opportunity and moved to a seat closer to the front door. Not surprisingly, the girl didn't notice. She continued her fixation with the window, and I started to increase my fixation with her. Her short, wiry frame made her seem almost child-like, yet there was something in the way she stood, the sadness in her posture that said this was no kid. She was dressed in a simple denim outfit and sneakers, but the set looked like it had seen better days. At first I thought she could have been one of the many homeless people we have here, but she just seemed sad, not desperate...I don't know. Something was definitely wrong with her, and the more I watched her, the more I wanted to find out.
Normally, you wouldn't want to walk up to just anyone in New York and ask them what's wrong with them—not unless you want to be cursed at or shot, or both. I was willing to risk it, my curiosity running into the red. I slowly got up from my seat and stood next to the girl, being careful not to startle her. Giving a quick glance, I noticed that she was shorter than I thought—not more than five feet tall, if that. That made me smile, as I like girls who are shorter than I am. I joined her in looking out of the window—I needed a minute or two to find the right question to ask that wouldn't get me a “Mind your f-ing business” response.
I waited until we left an express stop, then took a deep breath. Just when I was ready to say something, I heard a sniffling noise. It was a bit hard to hear under the rumbling of the train, but I did hear it. I looked down to see she was crying...quietly, so as not to alert the other passengers. She didn't even make an attempt to wipe or hide her tears—she just kept her eyes on the window, as the tears rolled down her face.
“Um...excuse me...is there, I mean...are you alright?” Great. Lame question. Of course she's not alright!! I waited to get verbally smacked for being so stupid, but she just continued to stare. Maybe she didn't hear me. Or maybe she ignored me altogether. I was afraid to try again, fearing I would only add to my stupidity or butt in where I wasn't wanted. I turned back to the window, glancing at her reflection in the glass. Sadness aside, she was quite pretty...her dark hair and eyes giving her an almost Asian look. I thought about how that face would look with a smile on it, and it made my heart jump.
“Am I not good enough?” Her voice was small, but it was sorrowful. “Did I do something wrong?” She finally took her eyes off the window to look at the dirty car floor instead. “I tried everything I could...maybe it just wasn't enough...”
“Or maybe he expected too much from you.” The words left my lips before my brain even registered the action. I waited to see if she\'d tell me to get lost, but after a few seconds she raised her head and looked out the window again.
“Maybe...but then, maybe I should have done more?”
“Or maybe it wasn't your fault at all...” That got her attention. She turned her face to look up at me, and I'm sure my heart stopped for a moment. She was even more beautiful than her reflection, her eyes so dark I was afraid to look too deep into them for fear of never finding my way back. I shook that thought out of my head and tried to keep her attention. “Just because something bad happened between you and this other person, it doesn't mean you yourself did anything wrong. Maybe they wanted someone who was different from you, or they didn't know what they had when they did have you. Whatever the case, unless you killed someone or cheated on them or whatever, you didn't do anything wrong, right?”
Okay...now I knew I had said too much. Stuck my nose where it didn't belong. She brought a hand to her chin, probably thinking of all the things that could possibly have happened. After letting out a frustrated sigh. “No, I didn't do anything. Maybe that's it—maybe she wanted someone who was different from me...or got tired of me.” She left the window and took a nearby seat, dropping her head in her hands.
I took the seat next to her and—wait, did she say 'she'? Whoa...didn't see that coming. “Look, I'm no expert on relationships, but I have had my share of breakups and rejections...actually, too many of the latter. I don't know the details of what happened with you and her, but if she wanted something other than you, then I think she was asking for way too much.”
“That's nice of you to say, but...you don't know me. Maybe she was right—maybe I wasn't worth her time...”
“Did she actually say you 'weren't worth her time'? That's a harsh thing to say to anyone!”
She cried some more, then replied. “She said she was wasting her time with me...that I wasn\'t worth it. That she could be doing something much better than spending it with a loser like me!” She cried openly this time, not caring who was watching. I put my arm around her and gave the few onlookers a glare that screamed 'mind your damn business!'.
As her wailing began to subside, I noticed that we were nearing the end of the line. “Listen...are you going anywhere in particular? If you\'d like, we could get off and get something to eat...on me, okay?”
“No, I'd...I...” She saw I wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. “Th-thank you. But I don't even know your name.”
I gave her my best smile. “It's Sadete. My last name's too hard for you to pronounce, so I won't saddle you with it. Just call me Sadete.”
She gave me a curious look, opened her mouth, closed it again, then gave me a slight smile. “Alright...Sadete. My name is Nia. It's really Eufonia, but I like the 'nia' part.”
“It's a pleasure to meet you, Nia. C'mon...this is our stop.”
The train pulled into the next-to-last stop on the line, and as I stood to get out, Nia took hold of one of my jacket sleeves. I waited until she got up, then we both left the train. She held onto me until we got out of the station, then hooked an arm around mine as we walked down the quiet street to the restaurant. Maybe she was afraid of losing the one person who would listen to her. Maybe she was just afraid of being alone after opening up like she did. Regardless, I didn't mind having a beautiful girl on my arm, but I had to keep my mind on the task at hand, and that was cheering her up...not necessarily 'picking her up'.
Rio's Place was less crowded than usual this afternoon, which was fine by me. We took a booth away from the window and waited for the waitress, Nia reluctantly letting go of my arm and siting across from me. She watched as Debbie and I chatted for a moment before the tall brunette gave us our menus. “Do you come here often?”
“When I can afford it,” I replied. “And when it's quiet like today. Otherwise it's a madhouse.”
Nia gave the menu the one over, then raised it to hide her face. “Do you...do you come here with someone?”
“Sometimes, with my friend Lydia—oh yeah, I'm supposed to be meeting her soon.”
“Maybe you should go see her...I'll be alright...” Her eyes sank further beneath the menu.
“Nah...she can wait. Besides, if she really needs me, she\'ll call...or even come here.” I looked around, making sure Lydia hadn't done so already.
“Are you two...close?”
“Yeah, we\'re best friends...we're like--” It took me a moment to figure out what that little pause in her question really meant. “Oh...no, we're not going out or anything. Lydia's into guys—in fact, she's going through her latest breakup. I was supposed to go console her...again.”
“You do that a lot, huh?” Her voice had a hint of a smile to it.
“Yeah...you could say that. I guess I'm a softie for damsels in distress. I know what it's like to be hurt, and I don\'t like seeing other people go through it.” Right there I thought it best to put the focus back on her, as I could almost see the questions beginning to form in those beautiful onyx eyes. “So, what was she like?”
What little brightness in her eyes faded at that point. “Her name was Carla. She wasn't very beautiful or tall like you, but she was talented and smart. She was popular and always cheerful—that's what attracted me to her. I wanted to be in her light; to be as popular and cheerful as she was...I thought it could happen if I was with her. I...I should have known better...”
Debbie returned to gather the menus and our orders, and gave me a questioning nod. I rolled my eyes at her, and she took off with a giggle.
“Was she kind to you at all?” I asked.
“At first, yeah...I mean, we\'d say 'hi' or she'd let me read her notes between lectures...and pretty soon we walked to classes together or went to the train station together. It was nice. She said she liked me because I listened to her—I did, y'know, I loved the sound of her voice. We even went shopping one time, and it was fun. It was then that she asked if I liked girls...I was a bit surprised, 'cause she had a lot of guy friends. I told her I did, and she asked if I liked her....I was too scared to say yes, but I didn't say no.” She blushed furiously, putting her hands in front of her mouth as to keep the words from coming out.
“I can understand that. You're shy—it would've been hard for anyone, I guess. At least give yourself credit for admitting you like girls.” That seemed to cheer her up a bit. “Did she ever tell you how she felt about you?”
Again, the light smile faded. She thought for a moment, then hung her head. “Come to think of it, no...not in, well, that way. She never did. We just hung out with each other and did things together, but she never did say she actually liked me or anything...at least, not until this morning.”
“What happened?”
She took a sip of water and a couple of deep breaths, then she answered. “I saw her on the campus, and went over to say hello. She was talking with a few other girls and drinking beers. When they saw me coming, they all left in a hurry, like I had the plague or something. I asked Carla what was wrong, and she said we needed to talk...that she couldn't hang out with me anymore. I didn't understand...did I do something wrong or say something to annoy her?”
Something about this was beginning to sound all too familiar to me. “Let me guess...she was concerned about what her friends would think? That she had to start hanging with 'the right crowd' and not with the 'loser' types, right?” I let out a groan and dropped my hands on the table, startling Nia. “I really hate people like that! You'd think that crap went out with high school!”
I was about to go into a tirade, when Debbie returned with two plates, each holding a Western omelet. “Here ya go...you want a glass of milk with that? Y'know, they say calcium is good for anger management...” We both looked at the waitress quizzically. “Hey, I'm just sayin'!” She gave a humph and stalked off. “People don't wanna take my advice, it's not my problem!”
She was right about one thing—lately I've let too many things tick me off. That's not a good trait to have if you're trying to help someone else. “I'm sorry, Nia...it's just that, I've been the victim of the clique mentality myself, and it wasn't good times, I assure you. I'll tell you what a friend of mine told me—fuck her, and fuck them! Fuck 'em all, for that matter!” The shocked look on her face made me laugh. “No, seriously! To hell with people like that! You're better than that...people like that are shallow. They only care about what's good for them, or what will make them more popular or admired. It has nothing to do with genuine feelings, or even love. If she loved you—or even liked you—she wouldn't have cared about her little pack.”
“But.” she cut in, “but I...I wanted to be like those people. I wanted to be like her. Is that wrong?”
“Hell yeah! Why would you want to be like those bitches?” Another deep breath, another minute to calm myself down. “Look, Nia...you might not realize this, but you're a very beautiful, very attractive girl. You're shy, so you want to be liked. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't go about it the wrong way. All people like that will teach you is how to put people down or take advantage of others...you're better than that.”
My words seemed to register with Nia for a moment, then her eyes narrowed. “How do you know? A little while ago we were strangers on a train...how do you know what type of person I am?”
I tried to give her my best smile. “Because I used to be you. I wanted the same things you did...I wanted to be loved and popular and accepted and all that crap. Some people are cut out to be that way...after being dumped and kicked around so many times, I was told that I was better than that. It took awhile for me to believe it, but eventually I did. All I want now is to be happy. Helping people in trouble makes me happy. Having a few really close friends makes me happy. Having a good job or getting my college work done makes me happy. You see a pattern here?” I waited for her to nod, then I continued. “It's not hard...you don\'t need a team of people—just a belief in yourself. And even if you don't have that, have someone who genuinely believes in you. That's all you really need.”
Nia looked down at her omelet, which by now was probably ice cold. “Do you...do you have someone who believes in you?”
“Yeah, I do,” I said quietly. “Lydia—I told you about her earlier. She depends on me too much, and probably takes advantage of our friendship, but she's cool with me. I may not always be able to help her, but she understands that, and it doesn't bother her...she'll just call me later. I'm fine with her the way she is, because that's how she is—I can't expect her to be something she's not, and no one should expect the same of you. Just be who you are, Nia...there's someone who will appreciate you and love you for being yourself. You might not think it now, but it will happen.”
Her head rose slowly, and her face lit up. “You...you think so? This isn't some line you use to cheer girls up?”
“No,” I said with a laugh. “I mean it. You know the saying, 'there's someone for everyone'? It's true...you just have to find the right person...or maybe that person will just find you.”
“Have you found the right person, Sadete?”
Yes...maybe. If not right now, maybe in the not too distant future. She might be sitting across from me at this very moment, her beautiful eyes full of hope.
END
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