My eyes flutter open and take in the dim sunlight. It’s raining outside and I can hear the droplets through an open window. It’s relaxing and it smells like rain, and wet ground, and grass. I forget everything except the droplets, even if for a single moment… But they’re reminding me that there’s still a world going on its daily business. The softness of the covers against my skin reminds me that I’m not wearing any clothes, and that my body is warm, even though my face is freezing cold and my throat feels dry. It’s 10:34 a.m., according to the alarm clock on the nightstand at my left side. I’m alone, I know that. I feel like I’m not supposed to be though. This all happened in less than 30 seconds, then I remember who I am, and how my life is balanced between the fucked up and the hella’ good. If only that sun-shiny part of my life was here with me snuggling in bed, I wouldn\'t worry.
“Ah…” I cough a bit because of the soreness of my throat. “A-Alice?” Half whisper, half choke.
I sit down on my bed and it hurts me down there. I remember what we did last night and how we did it as a blush violently. Ouch! It really feels like the fabric of the jeans left a rash on my skin or something. I try to look around for a shirt at least? Apparently, my clothes decided that they needed to disappear before I would wake up. With no such luck and feeling a little shy in my own house, I rise up from the covers and place my warm clammy feet on the cold floor, and stand up to start to look through the drawers of my new room. There was an old black sweater that belonged to Blue in a cabinet, and his underwear.
A strange sadness surrounds me when I put on his clothes. The sweater still smells like him. I miss him so much, and I am having mixed feelings about this whole mess. I want him back, so bad.
I start to wander around the house in my search for Alice. I do not want to make a sound because even though I can feel the soreness of my throat fading, I still feel uncomfortable speaking. I head to the kitchen only to find an empty room, and a note on my refrigerator.
“Good morning Reddie. I’m probably in the Gas station looking for stuffs to cook with… There’s nothing usable in your fridge anyway. I’m sorry that I didn\'t wake you up; you just looked too beautiful to wake you. Love, Alice.”
Well, that still does not answer how my clothes have disappeared.
I decide I will take a shower since I did not clean myself yesterday, and I probably need to brush my teeth, and check up on the bruise, and fix my hair… Oh the list could go on and on.
I strip from my clothes and step into my old bathroom’s shower and just let the hot water hit my body, eliminating the soreness of the muscles, and warming me up. Guarding me from the cold weather outside… I think I would very much like a cup of hot cocoa. There’s some men’s shampoo that I use to wash my body and my hair. I hate it, but it is men shampoo or the smell of anti-hygiene—so much for sounding like a sissy, I know.
I try to massage myself gently on my groin, and even though I feel relief because of the hot water, I think there would be no sexual activity for me today. I can diagnose by how much it “fucking” hurts. I finish an express 10 minutes shower and wrap my body in a towel before heading to my old room. It still has some clothes of mine and I grab a set of black lingerie, a black band-shirt (I don’t even look which band it is), skinny jeans, fluffy red socks and a red hoodie. The fabric is soft and warm; it should do the work in this freezing weather. Jeez, how crazy it is when it’s all warm one day and then the next this happens.
I style my hair, brush my teeth, clean my face, ad a little extra make up over my bruise, which is not going to fade anytime soon and it’s making me die, and then put on some light shades and red gloss. Ready, and not to brag but today I look like a doll… with a small bruise.
I head down to the living room to watch some T.V.; I got a LOT of cartoons to catch up to! Let’s hope there’s just something good at this hour. I walk awkwardly because I feel uncomfortable down there, but I rather look like this! Plus, these jeans are amazing.
I am comfortably watching morning cartoons when suddenly the front door makes a noise and while I was hoping for Alice to come home, I’m stunned by seeing mom on that place. She looks like she hasn\'t sleep well, and a tad bit miserable. I feel guilty just by seeing her.
“M-mom.” Again, half whisper, half choke. I cough a little to prepare my voice for the coming talk.
“Red…” She closes the door and follows into the living room. “I love you no matter what.”
I’m trying to not get sentimental, but I can feel my head warming up.
“I want to clarify and negotiate how things are going to be from now on…”
I still stare at her and just nod.
“I will take Blue to Mexico.” I open my mouth to protest. “He agrees with me.”
“But, I can’t live on my own, I know I said that but I want him, please! Just please let me talk to him…” I sounded like a dying cat, but I didn\'t care!
“It is our final agreement. Hopefully he will forgive you with time.” I begin to sob lightly; I have never lived without my brother for too long. Hell, my record was these two months! And even then, I phoned him every weekend. “Your grandma’ will talk to him, and he loves you very much Red. Do not forget that ever.” She says softly but not looking at me, like remembering something and playing it inside her head.
“You two used to be so close, still are.” She says. “I’m sorry, but I could never be fond of someone like Alice…” I open my mouth ready to defend her but mom beats me “She is the one who put my children against each other. Put yourself in my place, Red. There\'s no words she can say, no actions she can do, no decisions she can take that will ever repair the great dislike that I have for her, because she cannot repair what she has done to both of you.” She turns to me as I stare at her sadly trying to come up with something to make my mom feel better. “And I’m sorry; it is hard to believe that you are in love with another girl. Not just because she is a girl, but because she was, initially, your brother´s girlfriend. I know my rebellious daughter too well, and I think that this was only a whim. Is she really worth that you’ll be separated from your brother?” She asks looking at me and I’m dumbfounded.
“It is not like that, mom. I was hoping that we could all live through this. I know it sounds crazy and stupid, but I was hoping that Blue would have forgiven me. I know I’m being selfish and really stupid, but I hoped for it because Blue always does, he always forgives me, and I always forgive him. That makes me a horrible person, I know… But I tried, I really tried to not interfere, to not to get close to Alice. But mom, I couldn\'t! At first I would deny it all the time, but I was attracted, like a moth to the flame… And now, now it’s love. True love, you know? Not a phase, not a whim… I know I could probably live without her, but I would be so miserable, so very miserable… And I’m tired of being miserable. I want her, mom. I want to be with her until the day that I die.”
“Is she worth your brother, Red?”
I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind. “She is not worth my brother… But my happiness is worth this mess.” My mom stares at me trying to figure me out, I feel uncomfortable but I let her. “I’m sorry I’m being selfish…”
“You’re spoiled, Red. And when you finally grow up, you’ll realize that the world does not spin around you.”
She is right, and what can I say? “I’m sorry.”
“Yet, the world does not fix itself with apologies.” She sighs and turns to me. “I am the one who wants an undo button, to let you live like adults, to spoil you both so much, to not be here where I could talk to you in an instant, and hold you while you needed me.” I know I’m crying right now, as I feel the wet hot tears burning my cheeks and ruining my makeup. “I wish I could be a better mother, but I can’t bring myself to forbid you to see this girl, neither me nor your dad. Because she makes my little baby happy, and I wish that you would set your eyes in a cute, well educated boy, but I know life is not that wonderful.” She laughs a little at this. “And because I know that even if I forbid you to see her, you’ll eventually find a way. You always do. You’re so stubborn, and a pain in the butt.” She laughs a little bit more and then sighs. She turns to me again and opens her arms and I throw myself into her, holding her and crying.
“I love you mom, I’m sorry! I’m very sorry! I’ve felt so lost without you!”
“I know, I know.” She whispers in my ear.
After a few moments she was running her hands on my hair and I had my head in her lap. My life still sucked a bit, but things were definitely better, and I felt very optimistic.
“Red, you know you cannot stay here alone.” My mother says while I rise up to meet her eyes.
“What does that mean? Will I have to move out again?” I say a bit scared.
“Well if you wanted to that would make my life easier, how does that sound?” I frown at her. “Stop frowning, you\'ll get wrinkles.\" I make an apologetic face. \"So I think that your granny will come here to live with you, that is, if she agrees. We’ll have to go to Mexico in a week though, the four of us that is. We have to spend some time together, and you won’t stay here by yourself anymore.”
“How long will we be staying in Mexico?”
“Three weeks. Your father has to resume his business by next month, and you have to get your grandmother installed in this house.”
“Alright, I’ll talk to Alice about it.” I say “By the way, she’s taking too long! I completely forgot…”
“Alice is fine; she’s with your dad, talking outside. By the way, you’re grounded.”
“Why? What for? What do you mean?”
“I saw you an hour ago, in your bed!” She had a frown much like mine. “Your clothes were scattered through the floor, I had to pick them up and put them in the clothes bin! Plus, what makes you think that I would be okay with having my little daughter being deflowered by a teenage delinquent?”
I’m blushing intensely behind my bangs. “M-mom! Don’t be embarrassing!”
“Embarrassing?! That behavior is completely unacceptable! I had to know that you were not a virgin anymore, I had to be dumb! I mean you and your brother living here by yourselves, teenagers with no adult supervision, and virgins? Please, I had to be an idiot! But still, finding out my daughter has lesbian sex whenever she pleases…”
“Mom! That was my second time” I say blushing. “It’s not like we have sex all the time… If it makes you feel better, uh… I think Blue’s still a virgin! I think…” I say not very convinced, and mom just raised an eyebrow at me. “Red, don’t be stupid…” She says. We both laugh at that.
“You’re still grounded.”
“Damn!” I curse under my breath and she raises an eyebrow but does not say a thing.
After a few minutes, Alice and my dad emerged from the front door. Alice was looking calmer and relaxed around my dad, and even though my mom was not all rainbows and butterflies, she was, at least, not glaring at her. This was a good outcome, I think… I hope.
“So, um, w-what’s up f-for breakfast?” I say trying to break the ice.
“Right” Says my mom, “Why don’t you help me out in the kitchen, dear?” She stands up and heads to the kitchen.
My dad kindly asks Alice permission to grab the shopping bags and she lets him.
We’re alone now, and I look at her and she’s still kind of tired.
“Good morning.” I say softly towards her.
She looks at me and she’s beaming, relieved. Even now she looks very fragile.
“Your mom saw our clothes this morning.” She says embarrassed “I think that we should kiss right now before she comes in. I don’t think we should be very affectionate in front of her.”
“You betcha’” I say walking towards her, embracing her and smelling her hair, and kissing her thin lips. They’re very warm, even in this weather, and so soft, the softness that I fell in love with.
We spend time in the morning with my parents, mom still not talking much, but at least I know she’s not planning to remove Alice’s head. It’s so nice, to hang out with my parents and my girlfriend, but still I feel like I’ll never let go of the guilt I feel for my brother. And I know that I will always question myself about what I did to him, if it was the right thing to do? If I could have been miserable, but at least have him with me.
“Alice, I need to talk to you about something.” She walks up to me after helping my dad wash the dishes.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“I uh… My mom told me that we’re all gonna go back to Mexico for a few weeks.”
“Your dad told me, silly.” She smiles and takes my hand. “It’s alright; I will be alright for a few weeks… At least now, I know that you love me back, and that you will come back.” Her eyes stare at me with adoration reflected on them. I had never loved her more than in these days, especially right now.
“Yeah, well I figured I should tell you. But seeing as you decided to be a smart-ass, then I won’t tell you anything anymore.” I say faking a pout.
“Hey don’t turn this on me, silly.” She closes the distance between us and plants a small kiss in my lips.
“What happened to ‘we shouldn\'t do that while your mom is in here’?”
“Well, she’s not here, here! Right?” She smiles and leans in again until we hear someone clearing their throat. We turn around and mom is in there, I turn to look at Alice and she looks embarrassed, guilty and has a blush adorning her ears.
“Red, we want to go tomorrow morning if we can. It would be better if you start packing your stuff right now.” She says and walks up the stairs.
“Well, that was really awkward.” She says still flushed.
“Yeah, and I thought I had more time before going to Mexico.”
“I know…” She sighs and takes my hand.
“That means that we won’t have another dirty escapade before I go.”
“What about now?”
“Okay, Alice, you… You’re such a pervert! I mean, you’re the one who’s like ‘Not in front of your mom’ and suddenly you’re like ‘let’s bang while she’s upstairs!’. Well, she’s not stupid and she’ll catch us, and you will be sorry that she does! Plus, last night you made my thingy sore and bruised and it hurts down there!”
“That’s why I should kiss it better.” She says jokingly and smirking in a sexy way.
“Stupid. I said no!” She pouts at this. “No means no; and you should respect a lady’s decision.”
“Fine, but at least kiss me right now.” And we kissed. It feels right and my body feels light. Aside from the drama and all these teenage tragedies, this must be the best thing that ever happened to me.
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