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Chapter 7
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What do you do when a long time bully who tortures you, insults you, and sexually harass you from the time you met at seven years of age till your sixteenth year cries in front of you?
Answer.
Why don't you ask someone else because I don't think their answer will be 'I have no idea.'
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"Clair Richards, stay after class today. I want to have a talk with you."
That's what Miss Brendan told me earliear after that pop-up quiz we had today. The bell had already rang and most of my classmates were already gone. Some were still getting ready to leave or chatting one last time before going home. It was the normal stuff that goes on after the day has ended. Well, there is something quite different today. Other than Miss Brendan making me stay after class that is. It was Serenity.
She was still here. Inside the classroom. When the class was already over. Its not like she was forbidden to stay in our classroom after the bell, but most of the time she was always the first to disappear after school ended. Right now she was sitting in her desk with a cross between indecision and, or is that just my imagination making me see, a worried look on her usually blank face. It was strange to see that. Was she having problems about something? I didn't know. There wasn't anything wrong earlier in class. She has gone through the day like she always had. Talking to some friends in the morning, participating in class, taking notes, eating lunch, and other stuff. Now that I think about it, I didn't really notice that I have been observing Serenity. Maybe it was the result of having to be weary of her all the time when she was still torturing me.
I broke through my thoughts as some of the my classmates in the room faded. There weren't any more students left except me and Serenity. Miss Brendan was at the front of her desk looking over some paper work and I so wanted to get over this talk as soon as possible, but I didn't want to disturb her work yet. She looked so focused. From the corner of my eye, Serenity fidgeted in her seat. It was clear that she wanted to go and I just didn't know why she was still there to begin with. As I have thought earlier, there wasn't anything wrong with her day.
The only thing that had changed today from any other day was that I'm going home a little later than usual. And I have been called out by a teacher. Which may have meant trouble or something else for me. She wasn't even involved in it, so not any of her business to be worried about. Or she may be worried about me. I choked on my own spit as I controlled a chuckle; my shoulders heaving and tears clouding my sight.
Serenity glanced at me then, and from what I could see when I looked at her was now a mixture of confusion and concern. More of concern than confusion really. And that surprised me enough to stopped my shoulders from moving and my eyes to widen. That was a first. A real show of concern for me. She never did that before. But before I could dwell on that, she saw the look I gave her, which was maybe of surprise or shock for that matter, and turned her head to think about the things that were going through in her head again. I didn't think that it could be me she was thinking about with all the things she did to me back in first and second grade, but the expression that showed up on her face made me think back on it.
She couldn't have been worried about me right? Was those looks of worry that I had seen really for me or for something else? Pondering about these thoughts, I didn't have time to see that Serenity started gathering her things as the indecision left her face. I was again released from my thoughts as Serenity stood up, making her chair let out a soft screeching noise. I glanced at her to see that she was also looking at me. It was clear now that her worry was aimed at me, but as soon as she gave it to me, the expression died out and I stared at the all too familiar blankness that was normally there.
She turned and fast walked out of the classroom leaving me alone with Miss Brendan. I was really considering that she was worried for me or maybe she knew what was up and I mistook that look as pity. Maybe there was something wrong at her home and she was worried about something else and she didn't realize that she had a look like that across her face and ended up pointing at me instead. That was a reasonable explanation. She couldn't have cared at me anyway. Having that reasoned with, I had another circumstance to solve.
I faced the front of the classroom and saw Miss Brendan still doing some paper work. I didn't know why Miss Brendan wanted to talk to me. I tried to remember what I did the last few days to make her want to get me stuck here after class. As far as I can remember, there wasn't anything that I can recollect doing to cause this 'talk'. I sighed for the millionth time that day. I didn't really want stay around here much more than I needed to. Now I waited for Miss Brendan to just get this over with so I could go home.
After waiting for a little while, Miss Brendan finally took a time to take her eyes away from her paper work. She looked at the classroom, like scrutinizing every inch of detail and passed me, though I didn't really think that I was that invisible. She then got a look with widened eyes and everything and brought her gaze on me. From that move I think that she really might have forgotten about me. For a teacher quite as herself I didn't think she'd forget about what she said to me earlier that easy. But from the look she gave about now was much too sheepish that I believed she did forget all about me.
Was I that invisible that a teacher as herself forget all about me or was she normally like this?
"Ah... Clair, would you come here in the front please so we could talk? I'm really sorry for the wait. I was too engrossed with my work." Miss Brendan said waving a hand at me to come closer.
I sighed again and reached for my bag. I stood up and walked until I was in front of her desk. She looked at me, still sitting behind her desk. Now for the moment of truth. Drum roll please.
"Clair, I'll be frank with you and I want you to be honest with me." she said looking with her normally stern demeanor. "Are you cheating at my tests and quizzes?"
HUH? "Huh?" that's pretty much what I said. I was just... shocked.
"Clair, when I ask you a question at class, you sometimes, wait, I mean always, answer wrong. You always space out in class, I don't even think that you listen to any of my lessons. But when you answer in my tests and quizzes on paper, you're usually the highest to score and if not, don't go below the top three who did." she paused and looked at my shocked face, then continued "Do you know that you always, or most of the times, hit your head on the desk then cross your arms around it like your hiding something when you take a test?"
"Huh?"
What the fuck?! Ok, I just learned that word from a TV show the other day and that's what I asked back then too.
"Clair, please tell me the truth." she asked, her voice a little softer than usual.
For all of my life, I'll make something clear. I. Don't. Cheat. I only do that hitting head thing because I was trying to remember an answer that I forgot and that usually helped. It wasn't my fault that I can't think and speak at the same time. And why am I blabbering in my head anyway when I should be explaining it to my teacher.
I got out of my state of shock and finally said something.
"Miss Brendan, I didn't cheat on any of your test." I said quietly with an honest look.
"Okay Clair, so why don't you tell me how you always manage to get the answers wrong when I ask a question in front of the class when you get high grades like these." she tossed my test papers in front of the desk for me to see. They have, as she said, high grades. Most of them were perfect scores and I had to smile at those. "Or are you just mocking me Miss Clair Richards. Are you making fun of me when I ask you questions in class?"
"No, Miss Brendan. I wouldn't do that. I don't do that kind of stuff."
Before I could continue my statement Miss Brendan interjected.
"I know, Clair. I don't think you would embarrass yourself in front of your classmates every time I ask a question. I know you space out in class, but you can always ask me to repeat a question if you didn't catch it. And from what I can see from all of these tests some of the questions I ask you were here and answered right. So if you could answer these, there shouldn't be any problem answering them in front of me. The only reason I could think of so you could answer these is if you cheated." she looked at me with so much accusation that I was starting to wish the floor open and eat me up.
I shouldn't feel like this, I'm not a cheater. I started again.
"Miss Brendan, I-I told you that I don't cheat. I just- I just-" my poor communication skills aren't helping and that look she gave me just makes be blabber incoherently.
"Clair, do you know that by talking like that is making my suspicion grow. Your making me believe that you really did cheat on my tests. If you can't make a reasonable explanation about your actions, you might be suspended or expelled for a matter like this."
I better do something fast or else. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. With a calm and confident face I started to talk.
"Miss Brendan, as I told you: I. Don't. Cheat." I said in a cool and confident voice with matching looks.
Wow! By the face she was showing me I surprised her with that stance. I didn't blame her. Even I was surprised by the way I was speaking. I don’t speak like that. Ever. It was like I didn’t know what I was doing. God! Don’t let me say anything stupid!
“If you're so observant, like what you’ve made me believe when you pointed out all my clever little acts, you would have seen that I am not a very talkative person and only talks when necessary. No one talks to me. My classmates don’t talk to me. My neighbors don’t talk to me. The kids at the park or playgrounds don’t talk to me. They consider me as invisible and if they don't I make them consider me as invisible. Why? Because I like it that way. If someone even makes an effort to say something to me, they either got silence or gestures for replies. I’m not used to talking."
Breathe for a second.
"And the only thing to make up for that is my usually busy thoughts, which always talks so much. That’s why I space out all the time because I don’t stop talking inside my head. Combine those two and you'll get a scrambled egg if you ever decide to crack my head. This gives me a hard time to think and talk at the same time.”
Now breathe! Breathe! Breathe, I tell you!
“The reason I always get high scores in my tests is because I study at home and it’s easy for me to answer these tests because I only had to think and not talk."
You're not breathing! Suck air in damnit!
"What I do when I answer my test questions is none of your business because hitting my head on my desk is a way for me to think more clearly so I could remember an answer, though it just makes my head hurt and I end up making a pillow out of my arms. How can I even cheat when my arms are always bear? I mean, I always wear t-shirts for crying out loud! Were there any cheats written on my hands? My desk? No! Have you found a cheat sheet as evidence? You didn't show me anything! Why? Because there weren’t any! Because I don’t cheat! I! Don’t! Cheat!” I finished that with yells by the way. Though that didn’t help me get air in my lungs.
The next thing I knew, Miss Brendan was two and getting blurry by the second. You really shouldn’t stop talking so long because if you start talking again it would all just pour out that you couldn’t stop. That’s what happened to me. Uh-oh, I was hyperventilating.
I was hyperventilating!
Breathing too much.
Breathing too much!
I’m breathing too much!
I’m getting dizzy.
I think I’m going to puke.
There was a screech.
That made my dizziness worse.
Wait, am I falling?
Ouch! That hurt!
Was that the ceiling? Or was this the floor?
I don’t really know. It was getting dark.
I was blacking out, damn it!
Someone was touching me.
I don't want to black out.
…
But I did.