Story: Estrogen (chapter 29)

Authors: Juxtaposition

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Chapter 29

Title: Rewind - Decennium (Fujimaru Asura)

[Author's notes:

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction, any events that mirror real life are of pure coincidence.  The plot and characters are properties of mine, please do not reproduce unless permission has been given.


Rewind - Decennium (Fujimaru Asura)

I think… I’ve always been this way; perhaps even when I was in my mother’s womb or earlier.  Certainly I was like this after I’ve popped out of the womb.


At four years old, I wanted a dog to keep with me.  A dog, not a puppy.  After some screaming and crying on my part, my parents complied.  Like they’ve always done.  Two months later, because the dog wouldn’t let me ride it as a horse, it bit me.  It wasn’t serious, but let’s just not talk about what happened to the dog.  Thankfully, it didn’t leave a scar.


At five years old, I wanted a bigger bedroom because I saw a glorious room in a movie.  Thus, to please me, we moved to a new house.  To my dismay, the master bedroom was larger than the room I was to get!  Of course, upon the presentation of my displeasure, the master bedroom was in my possession.


At six years old, it was leaving my parents’ wings and going to school.  Now that just opened up even more potential.  I had to have the best of everything; from clothes to writing utensils, everything must be foreign brand names.


At seven years old, there was a girl in one of my classes who was talented with the piano already.  This did nothing for my fingers; two days later, a grand piano was in the family room and a piano teacher came at regular intervals.  I could not possibly allow for that girl to over take my shine!


At eight years old, there were those who spoke of their family travels.  They ranged from cities to rural sites.  Yet one up-held belief was that Disney World equalled to heaven.  That winter, when Canada was buried underneath snow, I was in Florida, celebrating Christmas the green way.


At nine years old, it was all about having the latest thing.  Whatever this thing may be.  Even ‘till today, my family home in Canada was still stocked with boxes of things that I didn’t remember ever having.


At ten years old, I had an epiphany!  I realized that as a person of Japanese heritage, I didn’t even know my home country!  After months of negotiations, warnings, threats, I separated my parents.  Mother went with me to Japan, father stayed behind for work.


Japan was everything new, and my lack of Japanese skills saw the many tantrums I would unleash onto my mother.  I blamed her for taking me here, but at the same time, I wouldn’t go back to Canada either.


There wasn’t anything in the world that could hold me down!

And we all know how my Japanese is now.


It was not hard to imagine that my parents loved me very much, and as surprising as it sounds, I love them very much just as well, perhaps even more.  Yet, I was always aware of the fact that I was the only child, so they will have to bow to me in the end.  I believed that I’ll always had the final say.


In senior high, I was already recruited often for modelling sessions.  In school, I knew that there was a faithful group following after me.  Yet, they seemed all so inferior to me!  Until I happened to have glanced at her.  As cheesy at this sounds, I felt myself blush and look away.  She was just as famous as I was in school; it was difficult not to notice her.


I wanted to know her.  I wanted to be close to her.


First year passed in my agony, second year came.  It was early winter when she asked, and I thought my heart was going to burst.  There seemed an understanding because our lives have been talked about so much, everything seemed so transparent.


So we started.  And my life finally began.


Near the end of the last year, everyone was filling out applications for university.  The moment I passed my birthday, I asked Natsuki to come along and face my parents.  Of course, my father flew over because I asked him to. 


“I’m applying to an Arts university.”  The conversation began like this.


“But honey, something more scientific is probably better.”


“I am in love with Naa-chan, and we have been dating ever since second year.  I want to marry her in Canada.”


That was the bomb to everyone in the room.  Natsuki took it well, my parents did not.  There were rising of voices and insults directed at Natsuki without inhibition.  I’ve never seen my parents so furious; they chased Natsuki away faster than my hand could grab her back.


“Asura, we’ve never asked anything of you in your life.”  Which, I must admit, was very true.  “We don’t want you to go to an Arts university nor do we want you to date that devil!”  I half wanted to tell them that Natsuki was everything but the devil.  “So, for just this once, if you stop communicating with her, you can go to whatever university you wish.”


That was their last plead.


“I can’t.  I want both.”


“Then you can move out and live on your own, by yourself.”




That night, ma did not kiss me good night and I slept with a grudge.  My parents have revealed to me how they wanted me in medicine and with a lovely family in the future.  They’ve even put aside items and money for my wedding.  To me, none of that mattered.


When I woke up the next morning, the house was empty.  They had left.  I waited for a week and heard nothing from them.  The longest we’ve not talked to each other.  After a week, I caved and made a few calls to locate them.  The first thing my father asked was: “Are you still seeing that wench?”


I threw down the phone and trashed the entire apparatus.  Fine, they could behave this way and content themselves with losing their daughter!  I then sold everything in the house and got myself settled for the first year of university.  The ball rolled on, and I handled university along with modelling.


It’s been about ten years now since we last spoke.  The moment I received that letter from Canada, the address imprinted on the envelope had my heart skip a beat.  So many scenarios ran through my head.  I knew that if this was a letter for reconciliation, I will fly to Canada the next second and take it up.


So long as they accepted Natsuki, because I wasn’t going to budge on that one.


Of course, if it was filled with renewed hatred, I could reply with a page or two of my own dislikes.


With the two extremes flowing in my head, I opened the envelope and let my eyes roam the page.  It was short, but emotion-filled.  The letter was read a couple of times before I folded it up and tucked it back into the envelope.


It was none of the above.


I still got onto a plane headed for Canada, but not with the expected emotions in my head.


When I saw my parents again in ten years, I realized with a startle that they’ve aged so much since what my memories have stored for me.  My eyes stung and I quickly blinked to hold back my tears.  I hugged my mom and held my dad’s hand.  The first couple of days passed peacefully; we talked about my life and their life.  My life had been publicized enough for them to monitor me, but their lives have been more sheltered.


“Are you still single?”  My mom asked.


I looked at her and heard the silent words that she did not speak.  It was then I felt that what separated us all those years ago was still very much present.  “No, mom; I am still with Natsuki.”


Both of them visibly flinched and I gritted my teeth to hold back a frustrated sigh.


“Asura, in your entire life, we have never asked you for anything.”  Again, the same words; but as much as I hated to admit it, my mom still spoke the truth.  “Your father’s hospitalization made us realize that life is short and we could take our last breath any day.  The only wish that we share is to be able to see a grandchild.”


“I’ll adopt a child.”


“No.”  My mother rejected that option with a firm shake of her head.  “No.  We want to see you happily married and have your own children.”


“Unfortunately, Natsuki and I will not be able to have children even if we get married.”


“Asura.”  My father spoke, his voice weak and croaked.  “I’m already like this; can’t you just grant me this one wish?  This is the only thing that we wish for.”


I looked at him and felt my eyes sting; my chest felt stuffy and each breath felt heavy.  We looked at each other for a long time before I pursed my lips and pleaded with my eyes only.  “Don’t make me hate you.”


“Even if you hate us for the rest of your life, we will not regret this.”


“Don’t make me hate myself.”


It was the worst threat that I could think of, and the only valid one as well.  I didn’t understand why my parents looked more upset than I was feeling at this moment.  Through the entire thing, I bit my lip and held back my tears.  When Natsuki came, my mom’s first response was to throw the nearest thing at her, showing Natsuki her eternal displeasure.  I was caught between the two parties and didn’t know how to react.  Thankfully, Natsuki only smiled, put down the things she bought and left. 


In my life, I think I will never be able to repay her for what she’s done for me.


Yet it was two days later when I’d meet with her outside of my father’s hospital room and we approached each other slowly with a lazy smile.


“I’m sorry about my parents.”


“It’s nothing.”  She smiled at me and shrugged.


The metal chain of the necklace that she wore peeked out of her collar and I reached forward to brush my fingers over it.  Neither of us spoke, but maybe both of us knew what this was going to be about already.  She had always been the one who understood me the most.  With a sigh, I withdrew my hand and reached around my neck to undo the necklace.  Her smile dimmed, but she did not speak.


I weighed the necklace in my hand before handing it to her.




“It’s okay.”


“Is it?”


“No; but… what else can I say?”


What else could we say indeed?  I hugged her tightly and could not hold back the tears that rolled down my cheeks and fell against her neck.  It tasted salty against my lips and I wondered if this will be the taste of my life.


I don’t think I ever forgave my parents for my marriage.

At the same time, I don’t think I ever hated myself so much either.


Anthony, in all fairness, was a wonderful man and husband.  Sometimes, I would look at him silently and think that if he had married a woman who loved him and vice versa, they would be the happiest couple on earth.  Unfortunately, he married me and I was lady vengeance.


“I am your husband.”


“That means nothing to me.”


“Won’t you even give me a chance?”


“The only reason why I married you is so I can give birth to a child who won’t be a bastard.  Just come with me to the hospital, give me your sperm and we’ll do this in vitro.”


Usually, the night of the wedding meant intimate and romantic love making.  Except, our wedding night saw us sitting in the living room and discussing how we are going to have a child as soon as possible.  I was determined to do everything that would humiliate him and my family, embarrass them, and make them regret this entire situation.


“And if I disagree?”


“Then you will just have to rape me.”


That evening he sighed heavily and went upstairs to sleep.  He slept in the guest room and left me the master bedroom.  A month later, he agreed and I was pregnant shortly after.


If I had married for love, I had confidence that I would be a great mother.  I would love my baby and cherish them and protect them and so many things.  However, I could only remember that this was the sole reason why my parents wanted me to marry so badly.  For nine months, I carried this baby but did not give it much attention.  Instead, it was Anthony who remembered all those appointments, do’s and don’ts of pregnancy.  Perhaps I was at least thankful to know that this child will have a loving father.


Natsuki’s accident was not unnoticed by me.  Even against the strong advice of my doctor, I flew back to Japan wanting to see her.  However, before I could even see her, I chickened out.  I wasn’t sure how I could even have any face to see Natsuki at such a low point for her.  That evening, I returned back to Canada.


Three days later, I gave birth to my baby girl.


I remembered holding her to me and apologizing to her in my head countless number of times.  I will not be a good mother; I will not be a mother at all.  In the future, I will probably become a skeleton in the closet that no one would want to uncover.


When you were determined, you could do just about everything you wanted.


After a little more than a month of recovery and preparation, I lay on the bed with the gun in my mouth.  I heard this was the sure way to go, no second chances.


Don’t make me hate myself.


I wondered if my parents will feel as heart broken as I did when I returned the necklace to Natsuki that evening.

To be continued...

[End notes:

Author's Notes:

Next chapter will be the last one.  Thank you for sticking through with me!


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