My Chaos, My Light.
The wind blew while I sat there alone, swallowed by my own presence in the midst of concrete as there were pretty much nothing else around me. My head was in my lap and I was holding myself tight but I wasn’t shivering.
I tried to think but my mind was like a dead riverbed in the middle of drought seasons in Africa, nothing was coming forth no matter how hard I tried to conjure something out of it.
I just sat there for hours without moving an inch. My stomach growled around the time the sun sat in the middle of the sky. Ironically, the heavens were fiercely blue and clear, as if celebrating the coming of a certain holidays in the summer.
How much I wish it’d rain. It would wet the concrete around me; it would shower me with all the love I needed. People? Right. Sure.
Keiko never came back; she probably was talking to girls in the class about the things that girls are supposed to care about – cloths, make up, boys…
Boys?
Nah. Not for me. The male specie was a bunch of burping and groping fools stumbling around us and making themselves looking like monkeys in a circus in their attempt to act like Alpha males around one another, in order to impress us.
In the distance, someone was cursing and another was moaning and probably cowering as the bullies (always males) were trying to rip the last yen out of him.
Someone told me that I had low blood sugar and must eat at the appropriate times…I thought.
I stood up. The world was unsteady and shaky under my feet and buildings were blurring. I gritted my teeth and continued to walk.
I must see Ryoko. Even if we didn’t get to speak for more than a couple of minutes, I just wanted to see her. No matter how pathetic my reasoning sounded in my ears and no matter how much my logic was pleading me not to be an embarrassment again, I wanted to see her.
Oddly, one thing was clear to me.
She was at the swimming practice, which meant the pool.
I never understood why they actually allow people to practice in April. Maybe I was the fool, or maybe something was wrong with the school, but I never paid much attention to it.
I guess our school was different.
By the time I got near the pool, the temperature had risen dramatically and I was attempted to take off my uniform jacket.
Fuck. I thought. Fucking global warming.
Did I just swear audibly?
Caring not for any possible reaction from the passerby, I dragged my body onward like a zombie marching toward fresh meat.
My head was burning and my thoughts were a fiery blur.
I could swear I was seeing red all around me.
A girl couldn’t think what I was thinking; she couldn’t be seeing red, right?
I tried to stand all proper and lady-like after I entered the enclosure around the pool. There were some guys and girls cheering the team on as the members practiced. My head was burning and my knees gave in. I fell on my butt. I pulled my knees to my chest and watched.
I watched helplessly as people sent their warmth and energy into the bodies jetting through the pool water. I just sat there as everyone was laughing and smiling.
Ryoko finally emerged from the door farthest away from me. God, I meant, Goddess.
She was in a one-piece that specifically designed for competitive purposes and there was not a waste of flesh on her figure. Well, maybe that wasn’t correct; after all, the fat in a swimmer’s body was more evenly spread around and acted like a layer of coating to protect them from massive body heat loss from being in water.
But my god, what a pair of shoulders she had; proud, upright and strong, they probably helped her to push with her arms through the thick and stout resistance of water. Her back was wonderfully curved at the waist and pulled back in the upper portion so that she was able to hold her chest and head high. Her eyes were looking straight without betraying an ounce of fear. Her chin was proper, firm and determined; her stomach was flat with a couple of divisions somewhat visible. No six-pacs and none of that steroid-pumped-looking man-muscles that some female body builders exhibited. It was just pure and uncontaminated feminine strength and gracefulness that made all women proud to be females. That brought tears to my eyes.
Her legs were supple and rounded in the right places; her calves were lean and strong without any loss of womanly flair. Her feet were large, sure, but were properly forged in a fire, which statues of goddess arose in some mythical Amazon nations in ancient realms. Her middle three toes were slightly longer than her big and small toes overall, but nothing weird and unpleasant to look at.
She seemed to blush a little bit when she noticed gazes on her big feet, but she quickly gained her composure and arrived at the ready position.
I bit my lower lip.
“Oh god or whatever is out there, please do not forsake me at any time when I’m still here.” I thought.
Please.
the watery grave
I begged and begged silently while my energy was draining away. I put a hand onto my forehead. It was warm, all right. But I couldn’t tell if I had a fever or not.
My gaze never quite strayed from Ryoko despite my blurring vision; her athletic build as well as her powerful arms and legs were propelling her body forward like a swordfish. The water seemed to split apart for a brief moment like the red sea when her figure broke through portions of it.
Although she was striving for a record with serious efforts, to me, it seemed like she was teasing and engaging the water in a mutually joyous tangle, like a dolphin playing in the sea. That, or I was becoming more and more delirious.
What the hell was going on with me anyway?
I knew it would be a terrible idea standing up from where I sat; I was so close to the water that I could fall in and the laughter from the swimmers would probably last for days if not weeks resonating in the school hallways after they see my stumble and share the picture-perfect moment with their friends at my expense.
Ha. Ha. Ha. I softly laughed. After that, I moved the left corner of my mouth upward. That’d be just wonderful. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t ever have to worry about Ryoko looking my way again.
…
I tensed up and my muscles became stiff as Ryoko glanced my way. She turned to speak with her teammate, and then proceeded to swim toward me.
What? Oh no. I…I was not in a condition to speak or even function like a regular human being without tripping and falling into the water.
I stood up and tried to spin on my heels and leave the scene. Even if I had to stagger I…
Wait, no. I came down here because I wanted to at least try to talk to her and apologize for running away without actually holding a polite conversation with her. I…
I mustn’t run away…
Big mistake.
As my mind struggled, my body was confused by the split-second indecision signal sent down from my brain. Losing my balance, I fell backwards and the next thing I knew, I was in the water, which became a soothing relief for my body. Not for long, though.
The cold effortlessly penetrated my clothes, through my bra and panties. Finally, it seized my body. I instinctively tried to move my arms and legs. At that moment, my mind became severely clear as my eyes widened.
I couldn’t swim. I couldn’t swim even if a shark was coming after me.
I guess I lost my glasses due to the impact with the water. Strangely, my eyes were wide open. I could see a clear ceiling that covered the top of my watery grave. Though it was clear and transparent, it also vibrated and trembled much. Being attracted to its unsettling crystalline beauty, I smiled.
Everything I had known flashed before my eyes. So clichéd, I thought.
I was hearing some splash sound when I saw a female figure reaching out to me before I lost consciousness.