Gita and I...we were very much alike.
We became women without our mother's guidance. We both did strange things. For example, Gita's random nudity, or my waltz through silky folds.
We both loved music and flowers. We both enjoyed our tea with a sprinkle of cinnamon.
We preferred to be in the company of few people. The list could go on that it could.
But also, contridictingly, there were plenty of things I just didnt understand about her. For instance, Gita tends to make this odd face. It was a face that if it had been her normal look, people might turn away. Her eyes squint, her nose would wrinkle, and she'd purse her lips. She would do this when she thought no one was around. Perhaps it was a thinking face...perhaps she was mocking someone...I havent the foggiest. Then there are also moments when she looks as if she's counting. Counting something specific. She nods her heas like she's doing so with her eyes.
These may be small things. But all in all still odd. Not that I mind...but I still would like to comprehend it.
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Vincent was on an absence of leave because there was some sort of
emergency with his wife. This gave me and Gita sometime off from our studies. This time was spent in the garden.
"Kahnna, have you ever loved anyone?" Gita asked. She was so randomly blunt.
"I dont know what you mean." I replied picking a peony.
"Like a boy? Family?" She asked.
"No...never. I dont love anyone. But..." I started.
"But...?" she urged.
I looked down.
"But I might have loved my mother, if I had known her that is..."
I said. Thinking of Ameria made my stomach drop with confusion and yearning. It was that painful feeling of longing that caused this churning.
"You said before.. your father doesnt like talking of her...correct?"
Gita said showing her pondering face.
"Yes... Gita what are you thinking?" I asked.
"Nothing. So why dont you love your family?" Gita asked looking toward the manour.
"Well Antionette hates me so I'm making it mutual. Father is more concerned with passing on blood rather than me. And Louis..." My stomach dropped again...only this time not with longing.
"Well that goes without saying Kahnna. He's done things you'd rather not name." Once again, Gita was spot on. "How do you figure that Gita?" I asked...taken aback a bit.
"You show it on your face. kahnna you wear your heart upon your sleeve. You dont understand a thing about yourself..heh but I do." Gita said with her impeccable talent to read me. She prevails again.
"And I cant seem to get you at all Gita." i said with a sigh. She giggled. "You over analyze me. If there are things you want to understand...ask me. You try much too hard." She said coming closer to me. "O-Oh?"I said feeling intimidated.
She slid and layed her head in my lap.
She took a deep intake of breath. She sighed.
"Something wicked this way comes...was that MacBeth or Omelete?" She asked closing her eyes.
"That's "Hamelet" and I dont remember. I dont like Shakespeare..Overrated." I sated. She chuckled her breath.
"Why doesnt that surprise me?" She asked looking up at me.
"Because nothing ever does...you know me so well Gita...remember?" I said with a smile.
"That I do. Heh oh so true.." She giggled at her rhymed words and continued.
"The sky is blue..My heart is too. Why do humans do what they do? making you ache through and through. My heart is blue. the sky is too. Why do they do what they do..."
She then looked at me strangely. "you swear?" she asked.
"I swear what?" I asked confused.
"That you dont love anyone. Do you swear that there isnt a suitor...or a friend that you might love?" She seemed quite distraught for some reason that she did...
"First of all Gita, I hate all suitors. And secondly aside from you..I ahve no friends. but where on earth is this coming from anyway?" She sat up at that.
"Listen Kahnna...I want to make a promise with you." Gita began. She placed my hands in hers and held them tightly.
"Let's promise that we'll always be together. Can you do that?"
I was confused. Though of course I wouldnt object, but there was something that wasnt clicking right.
Why was Gita so frantic on making this promise?
"Okay. I'll promise. Just us." I said reassuring her panicky face.
"Forever?" she said.
"Yes...forever and always...."
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Father called me down for the first time in almost a month to have tea with a suitor.
The suitor was exactly like the others. He chatted away with my father, not making eye contact with me. After all, why? The only reason he wants to marry me is for my father's fortune. Sex and money, that's what our world revolves around.
Money and Sex.
Sex and money.
money.
sex.
money.
sex.
"Kahnna, show Lord Bennett your appreciation." Father said breaking me from my thought.
I gave the man my hand and said; "I appreciatted him coming here all the way from London."
I pretended to care when he choked a little drinking his tea.
I faked a laugh when he tried to make a joke.
I told him I enjoy his company.
When he left, I thanked father.
I headed towords the stairs when I heard Clarie and Antionette's voices. I thought I heard her say my name.
"Kahnna will never chose a suitor, and there's a simple reason for it, Clarie." She said to Clarie chuckling.
"Why's that ma'am?" Clarie asked.
"The fact that she's a lesbian. You can see it. The way she acts when she's with Gita. It's that of a lovesick puppy." She said. My breathing grew heavy.
"I'm telling you Claire, it's all that gypsie blood in her. If it hadnt been for that whore's genes she'd have turned out to be a well-breeded girl." She and Claire Chuckled.
"Well ma'am the same is said of dogs you know. If there's something wrong with the bitch, it's sure to be passed down to the puppies." They laughed Hysterically.
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I ran to my room. I hugged my patchy plush rabbit with all my might. I sobbed.
They called Ameria a whore.
They compared me to a dog.
They called me a...
They called me a lesbian.
Just because Gita and I got along so well?
Gita is the only friend I've ever had. How dare they!
How could they twist something so good into that? Gita made me happy! She's the only thing in this hellhole life I lead that makes sense. She made me smile and laugh when I wanted to cry and hide. That she does.
There's nothing wrong with that was there?
Does it actually seem like I want that from Gita? That's when suddenly I realized something. Everything I just thought... it... Made perfect sense why Clarie and Antionette thought these things...
"Gita makes me happy." I whispered.
"She makes me feel good." I gasped.
Gita... I was falling for her.
Everything made sense.
Antionette was right. And it was because she was absolutely right that made me angry. I'm not angry because I love Gita. I'm angry because I've made it a habit to show.
All those times I had been embarassed by Gita's actions...
Like when I called her "loose" for being nude. When she came into my room for the first time.
When we first made eye contact in father's study. It hadnt been friction I felt.
It was love.
I am in love with Gita Ala Dahlia Ivory. I am in love with a woman. This might be a good thing. This might also be a horrible thing. I now understand it at the very least.
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Of course Gita comes in as I'm falling apart in my anguish and confusion.
I must have looked pathetic clutching a rabbit with patches and the ribbons falling out of my hair.
"Kahnna?" She walks over to me. She sits next to me. "What's wrong? Don't cry. Tell me what happened." She said taking her thumb to wipe my tears away.
"I overheard Antionette saying I was..." I cried harder.
"You were what?" Gita asked. She was caressing my face now. It felt good, warm, loving...something I've never known.
"She called me a lesbian." Gita stopped. She paused. ".....Why?" She asked after a few moments.
"She thinks I spend too much time with you. I'm finally happy and she's ruined it." Gita hugged me tight.
"She hasnt ruined anything. I'm still with you." She said.
"But...she said I was-" I began only to have her stop me.
"And are you? Are you attracted to me?" She asked. She's so good at being straightforward.
Yes I was very attracted to her. I loved her. But I didnt want to scare her.
What if she'd be angry? What if she were repulsed? I wont lose Gita.
"N-no.She's wrong." Gita looked to the floor.
All was silent and still. I heard her sigh. Then she looked up to me and smiled.
"See? There you go. You're fine then." She said.
But something wasnt fine.