Story: Whispered Endearment (all chapters)

"The distance between you and him, is shorter than the distance between you and I..."
-Omok

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Part 1: Shattered

-Jessie

You know, its times like this that makes it hard to endure. I know where you are, yet you’re so far away. If I was a poet I would tell you that "you’re like a star, a star that I’ll never be able to reach." But I'm not.

It's killing me inside, knowing you were with him, your lovely boyfriend. Yet I can only sit here, quietly beside you. I don’t know if you’re doing this for the sake of killing me, or are you really that dense to not to realize the effect it have on me? Though, if you really are that dense, I suppose it’s for the better; else we would no longer be friends.

I don’t know what kind of effect you have on me. Ever since that day in the park, when you walked up to me, took my hands without my permission, and asking me if I wanted to join you in your little game of tag. (little did I know, that game of yours, would lead me another game that will have me trapped. Trapped by You.)

I was shocked and speechless. I still am. I don’t know why such a beauty like you would come up to me and asked me to join you. Even if we were seven, we were worlds apart. You played with little pink Barbie dolls and I played with nasty little worms. You wore cute little pink dresses and I wore navy blue overalls.

Now, after 10 years, we're even more different. You are popular. You have the looks, the brains, the smarts and of course...the friends. Everything was nearly perfect for you. With me being the biggest exception. I...was the flaw in your perfection.

I, on the other hand have nothing. I'm the girl whom everyone thought was weird. I dressed weird. I looked weird. I am naturally weird. I'm weird with my gender neutral clothes, with my gender neutral hair, with my gender neutral name. Even my personality was gender neutral. From ten meters away, you can't even tell that I was a girl. Even my height is weird. I'm 17, and I'm 5'10. (and completely 'flat')

As we sit in the same park that we did ten years ago, back when we were seven, where we met, with you quietly sleeping beside me, I silently thank the gods for allowing us to meet; I thank the gods for giving me this chance to be with you. I can’t help it but to wish that we can be more.

 “Hey...” I whispered slowly...

I paused for a reply. There was none. Not that I was expecting any.

Tears started to slowly roll down my face.

I’m so dumb…you’re asleep, you can’t hear me.

“I know you can’t hear me, but it’s killing me. Eating me up from the inside out...” And hoping you can reply. “You know...From a long time ago I've started to think that you’re a gift to me. From whom, I do not know...”

I paused and whispered in a even lower tone, "How I wish you can hear me..."

I turned my head slightly to take a peek at your sleeping face...for a sense of acknowledgment, or maybe out of hopes that you can hear me or seeking for a sense of courage...

I didn't get any of that. I could only smile sadly...

I slowly moved my right hand, being very careful not to make any sudden movements on the left side of my body. Slowly I moved my hand to your delicate face to put a few strands of your loose hair behind your ears. I can't help it but to linger there, feeling your warmth, feeling you being so close to me. Yet so far. Those soft cheeks, those cute eyes, the soft lips and the small nose...Maybe it was only seconds, maybe it was minutes, maybe it was hours...I stayed there in that position with my hand softly touching your elegant face. I've slowly lost my sense of time in the presence of you. Every minute, every second, it felt like a gift from the gods that can shatter. Every minute, every second, felt like...it was too good for me.

More tears rolled down my face.

Against my will my body started to move. I bend down slowly, twitching my head in an awkward position, trying to reach your ears.

Slowly, steadily, I stopped fighting my body. Forgetting everything, forgetting my fear, forgetting my anger, forgetting my pain and forgetting my tears... I stopped fighting my words, my mouth started to speak, my mouth spoke of the words that goes beyond truth, that goes beyond honesty. My mouth spoke of the words that I tried so hard to hide, that I tried so hard to forget.

In a voice so low, that I couldn't even hear the echoes of it myself...

There's no way you can hear me...

"You know…I think I’ve fallen for you…” More tears started to flow down my cheeks. The winds began to blow my hair in my face...but I could care less. I feel like screaming. I feel like shouting. Screaming, screaming to the gods asking why have they made me fallen for you. You out of all people...? Shouting, shouting to the world asking why, why is it so wrong for me, a girl, to have fallen for you, another girl?

"...I...I think..." I shuddered...I feel the pain, the agony, the sorrow, the fear...That I've forgotten moments before. They are all coming back to me. Closing my eyes slowly...Letting an unintended droplet of my tears fall on your graceful face...

"I...love...you."

Not even in my wildest dreams could I ever ask for you to return my feelings, although there is that little hope inside me somewhere, that would always be there hoping that you would. A hope that is driven by my own selfishness.

I waited. Half expecting you to reply to my silent prayers. Half expecting, and knowing, you are still asleep.

I kept on waiting. I don’t know for how long, but I waited.

Suddenly you moved and twitched.

I want to run away from you. Out of the fear of seeing you...Out of the fear of seeing your reaction...Out of the fear my tears being seen by you.

But...I can’t move, I can’t think, I can’t talk. I was dumbfounded and could only stare straight ahead, wiping the tears away in a swift movement, hiding them from you. I stared straight ahead and closed my eyes, locking up the fears, the tears and the love...all of which will be back to haunt me later.

Slowly, I can feel you moving, sitting up straight, after probably like hours of sleeping next to me, leaning on me, on this bench...in front of the play ground that we met. This moment, it feels like my heart is being shattered in to a million pieces. My soul is being ripped in to sheds...

I can feel you right now...stretching, yawning. Acting like a few minutes ago wasn't the scariest moment of my life. Acting like few minutes ago, wasn't the biggest mistake I've ever made. Acting like a few minutes ago, wasn't the breaking point for everything we've ever have, had, and ever will have. Acting...like nothing was wrong.

Slowly, you put your hands on top of my icy ones...

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love."

-Sophocles

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Part 2: Memories

-Lyn

“Lyn…Wake up.” I heard a voice calling out for me…something, had made contact with me…

“Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!” The voice is getting impatient…the thing, is patting me lightly

“For the last time…WAKE UP!” The voice is annoying.

I rolled around in my bed a few times, settling myself in another position, keeping my eyes closed, I decided to ignore the annoying voice. But the voice wouldn’t give up. It keeps getting louder and louder and louder. Till I feel something shaking me violently.

Unwillingly, I opened my eyes slowly, sensitive to the bright light coming in from the windows. Blinking a few times, I covered my eyes with my hands. “For god damn sakes, can’t you just let me sleep?” I sighed, “It’s a Saturday morning…” moving my hands away from my eyes, I slowly sat up on my bed, hair messed up, still in my pajamas, I looked up, staring in to the sky blue eyes that belongs to my best friend. I insistently got irritated from her amused smirk.

“It’s 11AM, you’ve slept long enough.” I rolled my eyes at her reply.

“I was with Kyle at a party last night, I didn’t get to sleep till 4AM…” I went back to my bed, tugging myself inside the blankets comfortably. Hoping she would leave me alone. “Right now, I need my alone time with my bed.” Mumbling, I went back to sleep, or tried to.

Sadly, the stubborn woman wouldn’t give up, in a swift movement; she took my blanket away from me and stole my pillows, dropping them on the floor, leaving me with nothing to sleep on, or with. Just to piss her off, I pretended not to notice, and resumed my sleep. Grinning inside, thinking that there’s nothing more Jessie can do to spoil my beauty sleep.

Oh, was I wrong.

The next thing I know, I was picked up from my bed in bride style and was carried out of my room before I could even open my eyes. Damn her and her 5’10, and why do I have to be so short…LIFE’S UNFAIR!

“PUT ME DOWN STUPID!” I shouted, “YOU’RE GOING TO DROP ME!” I started to shake her so she would drop me, but then I realized that we’re approaching the stairs, out of the fear of falling and injuring both of us, I stopped shaking her and gave up. She smirked, knowing that she has won.

“Remind me again why did I give you a key to my house?” I sighed, fully aware of the reason…

“’cause you love me, and that your parents are almost never home, so you need someone to take care of you.” Rolling my eyes, I sighed again, keeping my comments to myself.

A few seconds later realizing we’re approaching the living room, I asked, “Can you let me down now?” Looking up, I saw a glint of amusement in her eyes. Smiling she walked over to the couch and lay me down on it, then she sat herself comfortably next to me in silence.

Suddenly she asked, “Do you regret meeting me?”

Blinking, that was random… “Only every other minute of my life…” I grinned, replied without thinking much about it.

She turned around and stared right in to my eyes in dead seriousness; she then turned and looked away slowly, in a hushed voice a simple word rolled off her tongue, “really?” She turned and looked at me again with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen…

Blinking, feeling puzzled and confused, I stood up from the couch, stretched a little… and… jumped on Jess, causing the both of us falling on the couch in a bear hug. Grinning, I said “No, not really…” Smiling now, I moved myself on top of her, once again I looked into her ocean blue eyes, leaning down next to her ears I whispered, “Because…you…” I purposely let her feel my breath on her neck, “…are…” smiling to myself again, “my…”

I jumped up from the couch that we were lying on and sat myself down on the smaller one-person couch, turned on the 52 inch Plasma TV, I started to watch it. Leaving Jessie dumbfounded. “Your….what?” she asked quietly…

I turned away from the TV, setting it on mule, and looked at Jess sternly, seeing her curious expression; I grinned, and replied, “My best friend…” in a faster tone, “who’s blushing really hard right now!” Then I burst out laughing. This girl is so cute, in a five-year-old little kid kind of way “What else were you expecting?” So innocent…

Without waiting for an answer, I got up and pulled Jessie up from the couch, I said “C’mon lets go out, since I’m wide awake now…no thanks to you,” blinking a few times, then it hit me… “Or we can go in 30 minutes, since I’m still in my pajamas, no thanks to you again.” Then I ran back upstairs to change.

While I was running, Jessie shouted, “Whatever! AND I wasn’t blushing! You were strangling me with that death hug of yours!”

“Sure! Keep believing in that.” I shouted before getting in my room and closing my door.

As soon as I was ready, Jessie and I were out the door. We walked around the city and went out to eat lunch, then we went shopping. I found a pair of Jeans, a pair of new shoes, some T-shirts. And she found another blouse that you can't even tell was designed for girls, unless you closely inspect it. Jessie had short brown hair, with some scattered blond highlights that doesn't stand out too much, the colours blends together nicely. If she puts a hat on, you couldn't even tell that she was a girl from ten meters away. Now that I think about it, I think she was always like that, a bit tomboyish. Though if you get to know her, she's actually a very sweet girl, she’s probably more feminine than a lot of girls who are more physically feminine. Amused, I automatically smiled to myself.

"Why are you smiling?" Jessie noticed this and asked me.

"'cause...I like to smile, duh." I lied.

"Liar," She replied.

Smiling to myself, I spotted the park that we met together across the street, "Lets go to the park!" Pointing at the direction of the park, soon as I got Jessie's attention, she smiled. Taking that as a yes, I grabbed her hand and ran across the street, seeing that there's no cars around.

While at the park, we automatically found a bench together and sat down, since we have been walking around for the most part of our day. Putting our shopping bags on the grass. I felt sleepy and tired. In silence, I moved closer to Jessie and leaned on her shoulder. Without knowing it, I fell asleep.

A while later, I woke up and I saw Jessie standing around ten meters away from me. I smiled and got up and walked towards her...

Only, I couldn't. I walked faster and faster and faster, but I couldn't reach her. We are no more than ten meters away! I got mad and started to run after her. I couldn’t reach her.

"Jess!" I said…there was no reply.

"JESSIE!" I yelled…there was no reply. Jessie started to move further and further away from me...

Scared, I opened my eyes. Only to realize Jessie is right next to me, with her eyes closed...Realizing, it was all a dream. Everything. From waking up to going out for lunch, to going to the park.

Wait...no...

Those things really did happen. They happened earlier today! I just dreamed about them in my dreams...Everything was real, other than the last part.

Just to check that this time things are reality, I reached out for Jessie's hand...

 "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

 -St. Augustine

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Part 3: Coward

-Jessie/Lyn

"Your hands are cold." Said Lyn.

"Yeah, they are." Jessie agreed in monotone.

Lyn got up from her seat and slowly proceed to stretch, while Jessie just sat there trying to drive her attention away from Lyn to the sounds of the mid-summer night wind. Yawning, Lyn said, "Gahh, I'm so tired." She sits back down on the bench, glancing at Jessie, noticing that Jessie looked kind of...sad. Perplexed, she asks, "So...what's on your mind?"

Instinctively Jessie was tempted to say ‘you' as a reply.

But too bad I can't.

Hiding a small sad smile, Jessie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Knowing that Lyn was staring at her, she purposely took her sweet time to answer. She slowly started to mouth the word ‘you', but to Lyn's surprise and slight (unknown to her) disappointment, Jessie said "yuuulllll...." Smirking, "...school."

"Uh huh, school is a huge problem for you, especially when you have your 93.6 per cent average." Lyn paused for a moment debating whether she should ask the question again, "So...what really is on your mind Miss.93.6 per cent average student?"

"You're one trouble-some woman." Jessie said while rolling her eyes slightly.

But the older girl completely disregarded her reply and said, "Humm? So...?"

"Argh," think think, what can you say to her? "Eh...don't laugh. But I was thinking about trees." Which wasn't exactly a lie, Jessie really was thinking about trees in an horrible attempt to drive her attention away from the popular girl next to her.

Trees?! What kind of answer is that? Thought Jessie to her self, slightly amused at her own randomness and stupidity.

"You're such a weirdo, of all things, you're thinking about trees?" Replied the annoy and frustrated Lyn.

"What can I say? Trees are awesome, they're awesome like me." Jessie smiled. "Trees keep us alive, they, like, yeah...they make life and stuff possible."

"Uh huh, trees are so very awesome..." Lyn noticed that Jessie wasn't looking at her, she paushed and proceed to ‘turn' Jessie around so they're facing each other, repeating, "Trees are so awesome..." And Jessie was once again turned around, and not paying attention to Lyn. "LO-OK-AT-MEEE!" the older girl said each syllable of the words slowly and louder than before.

"Don't wanna." Answered the short-haired girl, stretching out the ‘wan' sound, still not looking at Lyn, she said "I'm looking at the wonderful trees in front of us." Smiling to herself, Jessie knows that she have just annoyed Lyn even more.

Lyn reached up once again, this time turning the taller girls' head towards her, not just her body. To make sure Jessie wouldn't turn away this time, she kept her hands there on Jessie's cheeks, while Jessie instinctively concentrated at the feeling of Lyn's warm hands against her face. "Odd...is it just me or did your cheeks suddenly rise in temperature?" Questioned a slightly puzzled short girl, but Lyn didn't bother to wait for a reply from the love-struck girl. "As I was saying," Lyn stares into the pair of ocean blue eyes that belonged to her friend, "for the third time now," smiling a little bit, making sure the younger girls' attention was completely on her, she withdrawn her hands from Jessie, pointing at her own eyes this time, "your trees are so awesome, they're making my eyes roll." Lyn rolled her eyes, and surely, Jessie saw it. Lyn smirked to her self at this small accomplishment.

"Umm...and you called me a weirdo?" The amused girl questioned her friend.

"YUP! Now...Tell me. Tell me what were you thinking about? And don't tell me trees. ‘cause that's a lie and we both know it."

Giving up, Jessie turned away from the shorter girl once again, "Why do you want to know so badly? It's not a big deal or anything." Jessie paused, then said, "...you're weird."

"Eh, no, you're weird. I just want to know..." Lyn paused, putting air quotes for the next two words, "The truth" Smiling, she continued, "You had a sad expression on your face. So I want to know what's making you sad. And no, it's not trees. We both know you don't give a damn about the environment. Well, not enough that you'd think about it randomly."

Jessie's eyes widened. Slightly surprised that the other girl noticed, she quietly laughed sadly at how the oblivious girl notices all the wrong things at the wrong time.

Irony Jessie thought.

Sighting, and giving up, "I was thinking about you." Jessie replied then proceed to a horrible attempt at tying to tune out the presence of the girl beside her. Listening to the sound of the wind, counting the ‘woosh' sounds that she heard.

"Oh?" Questioned a slightly confused, a bit surprised, very curious and just a bit afraid Lyn.

"Yeah..." Copying Lyn, she put air quotes around "...oh." Seven. It took her seven ‘wooshes' to reply, thought Jessie.

"So...?"

"‘So' what?"

"So...What were you thinking, that was about me?"

"Oh. That so."

"Uh huh, yeah that."

Smiling to herself, Jessie slowly answered the curious girl, "I was just thinking about..." she paused. Glancing at the shorter girl for a few brief moments, and then once again, turning away. "...about how heavy your head was, when it was on my shoulders." And the smell of your hair.

"...about how weird you are." And how you're my weirdo friend.

"...about how I'm stuck with you." And how it can't be forever.

"...about how small you are." And the feeling of your body against mine.

Some how, Lyn got the feeling that wasn't the whole truth. "That's it?!" Lyn asked.

"No." Answered Jessie in a whisper, closing her eyes again, Jessie truly ‘felt' everything around her. The feeling of Lyn against her, the warmth she's receiving from her slight body contact with Lyn. The feeling of vulnerability, helplessness, loss and...fear that's growing inside of her, consuming her as each second passes. She also noticed how her temperature was dropping. She was shaking.

"Are you okay Jess?" And of course, Lyn noticed all of the physical changes within Jessie.

Feeling too tired to talk; Jess merely mouthed her answer, which was a simple, "No."

This is it eh? Jessie laughed at this whole sudden mess. I can't believe this. Thoughts run through Jessie's head. I'm going to lose her today, July 8th.

"Get up." Jessie said after a long time of silence between the two high school girls.

"Why? You're not done answer my question."

"Just get up. You'll see. Unless you don't want me to completely answer your question?" Jessie said in a serious tone. I can't believe I'm doing this, thought Jessie.

The younger girl stood up first, extending her hands to Lyn to help her get up. After pulling Lyn up from the bench, Jessie didn't let go of her hands. "Now..." Jessie dragged the both of them away from the park bench, leaving their bags behind, making sure the both of them can see the park exit, incase one of them wants to run away afterwards. "Now...give me a hug." Might as well be the last hug I'll ever get from her, thought Jessie bitterly.

A puzzled expression clearly painted on Lyn's pretty features, but the girl didn't say anything. Taking that as a signal, Jessie slowly took a step towards Lyn and well...They just hugged. My last hug from Lyn, Jessie purposely lingered a bit longer than usual. After a few minutes, which didn't feel like it was that long at all to Jessie, they let go of each other.

Smiling to herself, Jessie felt like she wasn't going to have any regrets now, sort of. Though she knows, if (and expected) she was rejected, there will always be this hole inside of her that will never be fulfilled. Jessie proceed to completely detach herself from Lyn, looking in to Lyn's eyes, she can't help it but to imagine the possible expressions on Lyn's face afterwards. At least I get to see her funny expression. Ha-ha. "I don't know how to start."

"Well, anywhere. I don't bite." Lyn tried her best to give a reassuring smile.

"Eh, yeah you do bite." Jessie laughed a little to lighten the mood.

"Don't change the topic now lady." Lyn took a step forward, closer to Jess, and Jess took a step backwards, further away from Lyn. "Stop that. Come closer. You're like four meters away from me."

"That was the point." Jessie smiled sadly. "Do you really want to know? Like, what I was thinking about you? You know, both of us will regret this. Probably forever on my part." Jessie asked, staring into the eyes of Lyn, looking for reassurance.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Said Lyn.

"I'm going to regret this." Jessie whispered to herself. She took a few steps forward and reached arm distance with Lyn. "I'm really going to regret this." This time, saying it loud enough for Lyn to hear too. Closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, and opening her eyes again, this time, Jessie was staring intensively at Lyn, making Lyn even more curious.

"Tell me already."

"This is really hard."

"Not like you like me or anything." Said a still curious but now slightly annoyed Lyn. Waiting for an answer, after what felt like a few hours (in truth; just a few seconds), Jessie still didn't reply. "Right...?"

"No." Jessie said quickly. "I don't like you." Jess smiled to herself again. Another sad smile remarked Lyn. Jessie was feeling even more helpless, felt like everything was draining away from her. "I'm stuck." She paused closing her eyes. Taking another breath, "I'm stuck loving you."

Then Jessie ran. She just ran away like what cowards do.