{Scene: THREE MONTHS AGO, WATCHTOWER COMMISSARY. BOOSTER GOLD is sitting with ELONGATED MAN and VIGILANTE. WILDCAT with BLACK CANARY. Superman and MARTIAN MANHUNTER. Batman with Green Lantern and VIXEN. Supergirl with GREEN ARROW and ZATANNA. And so on and so forth. Flash is present as well, but we can’t exactly tell who he’s sitting with/talking to.}
FLASH : ...I’m telling you. Almost wanna ask for an autograph. You look just like that guy! Which, dude, trust me? Take as a compliment. Because that show totally *rocked*. You want, I’ll grab my DVDs right now.
{Over by the salad bar, Buffy stands with a Chicken Caesar wrap and bottled water already on her tray. Chewing her lip, she can’t decide on the rest.}
WONDER WOMAN: I wouldn’t.
BUFFY: Why...
{She turns her head and stares right at lower points of the W that spreads out across that iconic breast-plate. Her eyes travel up Wonder Woman’s statuesque form, until finally landing on the Amazon’s face and those striking blue eyes.}
BUFFY: ...not?
WONDER WOMAN: The lettuce is wilted. Always.
{The COMMISSARY WORKER on the other side of the salad bar who’s cutting up more tomatoes, glares. Wonder Woman stares the worker right back down.}
WONDER WOMAN: What?
BUFFY {skeptical}: You eat salad?
{Wonder Woman’s forgotten about the worker. Her face says she doesn’t quite know how to take the question, but she’s assumed it’s implying something not nice. Her hands go on her hips, and she’s looking purposefully down at the smaller Buffy. Height difference? Yeah.}
WONDER WOMAN: Are all your sisters that size?
BUFFY: Really aren’t. Except, it’s just *a* sis...
{Wrong sisters.}
BUFFY {realizing}: ...oh.
{Then, realizing the dig...}
BUFFY: Or, hey!
WONDER WOMAN {face-betraying smirk}: Most of the warriors I know don’t usually need to look up.
{Buffy tries to stand tall and rigid, almost on the tips of her shoes, looking as intimidating as she can muster.}
WONDER WOMAN {thoughtful}: But you are a warrior, aren’t you?
BUFFY: Wanna find out?
WONDER WOMAN {smiling}: Not on an empty stomach. You’re welcome to join me, by the way.
{She remembers the worker, looks at them again.}
WONDER WOMAN: And I wasn’t lying.
{Buffy’s picked up her tray, and turned around.}
BUFFY: Been a while since I sat at the cool table.
{It’s possible she’s getting her own, sarcastic, dig in here. But they head off.}
WONDER WOMAN: Maybe you won’t seem so small when we’re sitting down.
BUFFY: Oh yeah--I kinda hated the cool table. Remember now.
SUPERGIRL (V.O.): But even then, it was obvious that they--
DAWN (V.O.): Don’t wanna know this, don’t wanna know this!
-----
{Scene: BARN, PRESENT. Dawn’s sitting with her knees up against her chest, hands over her ears, and the dwarfed Supergirl is standing on the left knee with a satisfied grin.}
SUPERGIRL: If you did, it wouldn’t be as fun.
{Dawn stares down at her tiny friend with a scowl. Her arm is moving down as well.}
DAWN: I can’t believe we’re best friends sometimes.
{Her large, right hand now rests in front of Supergirl, fingers positioned in an “about to flick” manner. A moment later she attacks, but Supergirl isn’t there anymore. The blonde is suddenly hovering, tongue sticking out tauntingly.}
SUPERGIRL: Aw come on, it’s romantic. Shouldn’t you be happy for your sister?
{Dawn’s face does its best, “*Please*.”}
DAWN: Why? More like jealous of. She gets to ride around in an invisible jet, and I’m...
SUPERGIRL: It isn’t her fault you cheated on that guy.
DAWN: Duh, am I saying that? I just want her to, I dunno, care. I’m the size of frickin’ King Kong, Andrew says maybe *bigger* depending on which movie, and she still doesn’t notice me, Kara.
SUPERGIRL: Maybe you gotta make her.
{She flies up to be face level with Dawn.}
SUPERGIRL: You think it’s easy being Superman’s spunky, teenage cousin? Who’s a girl? It was hard enough in Metropolis, but ever since he let me join the League...
{Her eyes look downwards, and she slides hair behind her ear.}
SUPERGIRL: ...there’re a lot of amazing shadows to live in, yunno?
DAWN: At least you don’t hafta feel like a fre... {she blinks} Wuh-h-hey, you’re flying!
SUPERGIRL {eyebrows up}: Um, duh?
DAWN: But I thought...I mean...?
{Supergirl’s palm is on her forehead.}
SUPERGIRL: Oh, right. Duh.
{She goes right up next to Dawn’s left eye and holds her hand out. A ring with a sparkly, yellow gemstone is snug on her finger.}
SUPERGIRL: Zatanna conjured it for me, ‘cause I told her the sun over here bites. It absorbs the energy from *ours* like, into itself--or something--so as long as I’m wearing it, my powers work in this dimension. Pretty cool, huh?
{She backs off a little, then. You can only be *that* close to the white of someone’s humongous eye before it starts to get gross.}
DAWN: Pretty *awesome*. Like, for you. Definitely.
SUPERGIRL: Didn’t you notice how no one needed to catch us when we came through this time? Geez, Buffy’s not the only slow one.
{Dawn’s eyes narrow, and she fills her cheeks full of breath, which she then huffs and puffs at Supergirl, who tumbles into the barn door, and drops onto some bales of hay. Eventually, she picks herself up, and brushes herself off.}
SUPERGIRL {winks}: Not bad. I can do better, though.
{Dawn sticks *her* tongue out.}
SUPERGIRL: You know, the League so could use a giant. Albert doesn’t count. And you’d kick Giganta’s butt in two seconds. She fixes her hair, Dawn. In the middle of a fight. I’ve actually seen her.
{Dawn’s unable to hide the fact that she’s unsure about making such a life choice.}
DAWN: Uh, yeah, that’d be cool.
SUPERGIRL: Just saying, it would get Buffy’s attention...
DAWN: I won’t be like this forever. I hope.
SUPERGIRL {positive smile}: Well, ‘til you’re not, which, uh, is gonna be any day, I’m sure of it...this oughta cheer you up. No matter how huge a freak you think you are? Question walks around without a face. Think about *that*. Okay?
DAWN: Because he really doesn’t, or...?
SUPERGIRL: You wanna find out? Go ahead. Dare ya.
{Though disturbed by the possibilities, Dawn soon smiles.}
DAWN: Thanks, Kara. {evil grin} Waitaminute! What if it was Clark and Lois? Hmmmmmm? How about then? Romantic much?
{And they’re right back where they started. If possible, Supergirl appears even more disturbed than her friend was moments ago. She turns green (not literally), and she covers her mouth like she’s trying to suppress her gag reflex.}
SUPERGIRL: Geeyuch! No! No, nuh-uh, no, no, *no*. Super-hearing isn’t always so great.
DAWN: Oh my god! Holy @$%$!
{Her interest just became extremely peaked. Her face is somewhat red, but her eyes are shining with curiosity large enough to match her size. In this instance, she’s nowhere near slow.}
DAWN: You seriously did?
{Supergirl’s now sitting on the hay bales, hiding her face with her hands. Probably because hers is as red as Dawn’s.}
SUPERGIRL: I...picked the wrong weekend to stay at his apartment once. Please say you’ll drop...
{Her hands move off her face, and her eyes roll upward. She’s distracted by something. Her super hearing is coming in handy.}
SUPERGIRL: Think they’re here.
{After a few seconds of silence, dust is being stirred up and falling, as the sound of Wonder Woman’s jet passes over the barn outside. Supergirl approaches the barn door, and Dawn gets on her hands and knees so she’s right up beside it. Supergirl opens the door to give them just enough room to see out.}
SUPERGIRL: Bet you there’s tongue. Ten dollars.
DAWN: Shut up! Super-Jerk.
SUPERGIRL: Wow. Real original.
{There’s a beat, then--}
DAWN: Twenty there isn’t.
SUPERGIRL: Kidding? You’re on.
-----
{Scene: OUTSIDE TRAINING GROUNDS. Buffy, Barbara, and Xander and another, UNNAMED SLAYER, have come to greet the civilian-ly dressed Diana and Bruce Wayne, standing by the uncloaked jet’s wing.}
BARBARA {saluting}: Howdy, Boss. Diana.
UNNAMED SLAYER: Hey, Wonder Woman. And...*Bruce Wayne*?
{She leans back to whisper to Xander.}
UNNAMED SLAYER: What’s a billionaire doing here?
DIANA: How have you been, Clobber Girl?
CLOBBER GIRLGRACE {leaning forward, caught}: Good. Like it here. But it’s just, um, Grace, now.
DIANA: “Grace.” It’s a beautiful name. {turns to Xander} Hello, Xander.
XANDER: Buh.
{Buffy makes a coughing sound, then tries to look away, disinterested. But she steps away from the people she came with, same as Diana, and they meet in the middle.}
BUFFY: Bout time you showed.
DIANA: Let’s just say, *someone* packs more than I do.
{They kiss warmly, but don’t break “lip seal.” Obviously, Diana’s face is above Buffy’s, but when the kiss is done and they’ve pulled back slightly, she looks curious. Something’s different. The Amazon’s eyes drift downward to see Buffy wearing stylish, yet affordable boots that have added to her height.}
BUFFY: New boots. Hi.
DIANA: Hi.
{They pull back some more, and if they turned their heads, they’d see Bruce. He’s apparently moved from his spot next to the jet. He’s looking in the direction of the castle, not at them.}
BUFFY {offhandedly, not looking either}: Bruce.
BRUCE: Mm.
DAWN: Hah! Pay up. Buffy may have creepy, vampire-sex, probably with shackles and stuff, but she’s not a P.D.A. skank! {beat} D’you even have pockets in those shorts?
{Everyone turns, looking towards the barn where her voice came from. Buffy’s trying to compensate for her embarrassment by glowering.}
SUPERGIRL: Big mouth!
DAWN: Um, love you, sis!
{Then the door fully closes.}
DIANA: Shackles?
BARBARA: And stuff?
{Bruce has finally joined everyone else on the other side. Buffy and Diana have re-mingled with everyone else as well, but now Barbara and Diana are standing side-by-side, looking at Buffy.}
BRUCE: That’s not why we’re here.
BUFFY: Yeah, him. Agree with him. For once.
{They’re both somewhat unsettled by this. Xander, who’s stepped to Diana’s other side, cares not.}
XANDER: Can I be Luggage Guy?
BARBARA {smirking}: He just wants to see inside your jet.
DIANA: Please, I’d appreciate it.
{She leans forward to see the unsociable Bruce.}
DIANA: So would he. It’s hard to tell, I know.
{Xander, like an excited, little boy, hurries towards the jet, and the jet’s ladder.}
BUFFY: He can’t...you know. Can he?
DIANA: The jet needs my vocal authorization to power up. And J’onn promised me he had that problem with the missile launchers taken care of.
BUFFY: Wha...problem? There was a problem?
{Diana grins, Buffy’s un-amused.}
BUFFY: That’s your idea of funny? We haven’t seen each other in three weeks because we have the weirdest definition of “long distance relationship” *ever*, and--
{Bruce feels the need to clear his throat. He’s at Buffy’s side, facing her.}
BRUCE: Has there been any movement from the Joker?
{Buffy faces him, arms across her chest, annoyed. They’re just staring at each other. Barbara’s and Diana’s eyes roll. Then Barbara walks over to the jet, where Xander makes his way out of the jet with what looks to be a heavy, metal briefcase. His feet are on the ladder’s top rung. He seems wobbly.}
{Barbara’s looking up at him, at the foot of the ladder, but back a few steps.}
BARBARA: I’ll catch.
XANDER: Uh, sure about that?
BARBARA: What, you don’t think I can?
XANDER {to himself}: Man, wasn’t expecting to taste foot this soon.
{Without further preamble, he allows himself to fall backward, and he and Barbara become a heap on the ground.}
BARBARA: Ow. I meant the case, ya dork.
XANDER: You okay? Just lost all points, didn’t I?
BARBARA: Depends what’s broken.
{Bruce looks back at them. Well, more at the briefcase.}
BRUCE: Be careful with that. {turns to Buffy again} Well?
{It’s Alpha Male to Alpha Female. Lover-Who-Is to Lover-Who-Never-Was.}
BUFFY: Not yet. Not a centimeter, even.
BRUCE: There will be.
BUFFY: Heard. We’ll be ready to move when he does.
BRUCE: You have no idea who you’re dealing with.
BUFFY: Isn’t that why you’re helping?
BRUCE: What I’m saying, is follow my lead.
BUFFY: Anybody ever tell you that minus the black, you’re a lot less scary? And the pointy ears and the cape and the everything else? {eyes narrow} Here’s what happens. You follow *my* lead, I follow your *suggestions* and/or advice. Kay?
{Barbara and Xander are still picking themselves up.}
BARBARA: I’d say they should just measure already, but...that wouldn’t really work, would it?
XANDER {cringing}: Wrong, *wrong* visual place.
{Suddenly, Grace squeals in surprise.}
GRACE: Bruce Wayne is *Batman*? Wicked!
{This gets no one’s attention. Diana steps up to both of the not-backing-down leaderly types.}
DIANA: Are you both finished?
BRUCE: Mm.
{He heads to a recovered, Barbara and Xander, and picks his case off the ground. Then he heads towards the castle. Buffy lets her arms hang down, and exhales.}
BUFFY: Barbara, you wanna...?
BARBARA: On it.
{She jogs over to catch up to her nocturnal employer. Xander takes a deep breath.}
XANDER: Once more into the breach goes me.
{While he does that, Diana’s beside Buffy again.}
DIANA: That went better than last time.
{Buffy moves so she can collapse into her girlfriend’s body, exhausted by the verbal sparring. Diana’s hand is on the small of her back.}
BUFFY {muffled}: Him I didn’t miss.
DIANA: Believe it or not, he respects you. And you respect him.
BUFFY {still muffled}: Spill n’ I deny. Lived in Sunnydale--I’m good at it.
{Above, from a castle window, Willow has been watching them, and sees Grace head inside before focusing back on the couple.}
DIANA: ...Shackles?
------
{Scene: SPARE CASTLE BEDROOM. Bruce is sitting on the bed with his case open and his back to Barbara, who’s leaning on the wall by the door. There’s an area rug on the floor, and an armoire standing against the far wall.}
BARBARA: Yeesh. There went any doubts I might’ve still had about you not being a people person. {beat} Least she gave you your own room.
BRUCE: If this is going to be what I think it is, I’m not interested.
BARBARA: Yeah, known you long enough to have gotten that by now. It was one of the first things Dick warned me never to try.
{Bruce has looked up from the case, but still isn’t facing her.}
BRUCE: But?
BARBARA: But when boys are being, well, boys, it’s better just to tune them out.
{She pushes off the wall, and goes behind him, trying to look over his shoulder. She catches a glimpse inside the case. The bat-gadgets are within. Belt, batarangs, smoke grenades, aerosols, bat-grapple, etc.}
BARBARA: It is Buffy’s turf. And she was right about something before. We’re here, but we can’t *be here*. In this world, we aren’t supposed to be real. Her friend? Willow? Thought she had brain damage when she saw us.
BRUCE: I know how not to be seen, Barbara. That’s why I work nights. But I won’t jeopardize Batman or Gotham just to make things easier on her. The Joker only has to catch a glimpse of Bruce Wayne walking around in this dimension, and he’ll put two and two together.
BARBARA: He could think you’re Superman.
{Now he looks a little pissed, like he’s insulted. He turns to look at her, finally.}
BARBARA: Wait, no. Superman smiles. {weak smile} Hey, you know, five, different guys have been *you* in movies? Xander showed me. Two were kind of cute, but...
{Buffy and Diana are walking by the room and down the hall. Buffy’s carrying her girlfriend’s bag.}
DIANA: I’m not having this conversation again. It was my mother’s.
BUFFY: Who’s great. And it’s a thing, a working thing. M’understanding that. Isn’t that I don’t like it...’cause I do. Love it. Biggest fan, really. The bracelets are shiny, and the underwear’s...um, very Pro-American. Plus, rest of the outfit? Accentuate-y.
{They’ve both passed the door now, but the talking continues.}
BUFFY: But don’t you think it’s sorta--?
DIANA: No.
{Bruce closes the case, forcefully.}
BRUCE: We wouldn’t be here now, we wouldn’t need to be, if they’d just taken that girl three months ago and gone. For good.
BARBARA: There’s that...or, when the big, important Justice League brain-trust fires somebody, they have to make sure that that somebody doesn’t leave the space station disgruntled. Especially a lunch lady...dang, can *she* hold a grudge.
{He asks a silent question.}
BARBARA: Relax, I *don’t* blab. You’re conscious, aren’t you? {beat} Anyway, they’re our friends now. They’re fun. And they’ve helped us out more than once. I don’t hafta tell you that. We owe ‘em; try to play nice.
{Then she braces herself for impact.}
BARBARA: Sure you didn’t mean, Diana wouldn’t be--?
BRUCE {“don’t challenge me” eyes}: I’m sure. And still not interested.
{She smiles sadly at her failed attempt, then turns to go.}
BARBARA: Whatever you say, Boss.
{She stops short at the door, because Xander’s suddenly in the way, with a regular suitcase in hand this time. They smile at each other, she steps aside and he comes into the room.}
XANDER: Hey, Batm...guh, Bru...uh, Mr. Wayne? Sir?
{He sets down the suitcase next to the door.}
XANDER: Got this outta the...
{He puts a finger to his ear. Someone’s speaking into the earpiece.}
XANDER: Copy that.
{Bruce begins to stand.}
BARBARA: What is it?
XANDER: Think we got a hit.
{He starts to grin like the geek he is at heart. Bruce stares at him disapprovingly. He gulps.}
XANDER: Which is a bad. So I’m gonna...sergeant.
{Bruce gets closer and Xander throws his thumb backward, out the door.}
XANDER: Thattaway.
{Barbara stares at an empty doorway a little too long. He was true to his word.}
BRUCE: Something I should know?
{She doesn’t turn around.}
BARBARA: Hm, nope. One dad’s enough, thanks.
-----
{Scene: COMMAND CENTRAL. Slayers on duty are going about their business. Mystics are being...mystical. Willow, Barbara, Xander and Bruce all standing behind the green-haired Tracy, sitting at her computer. Buffy enters in a run, Diana following. The Amazon is more walking with urgency.}
BUFFY: Who’s hit? How bad? Where?
{She’s reached everyone, and they’re all looking at her with various smirks. Well, Bruce is rather neutral in his expression. Her hands move up, self-consciously.}
BUFFY: What? Is there something on my face?
XANDER: *A* hit, Bufster. Y’know, blip on the radar? Flag on the grid? Pi--
BARBARA: It’s the Joker.
BRUCE: Or so we’ve been told.
WILLOW {whispering to Barbara}: Is he always this grouchy?
BARBARA {whispering back}: Oh, this isn’t “grouchy.” You’ll know when he is. It gets a lot worse.
{Willow smiles, then un-smiles, when she remembers she doesn’t like her fellow redhead. Meanwhile, Buffy’s embarrassed for the second time in less than a half hour.}
BUFFY: So, not my face. Think I’ll just...shut up. {to Diana} Coulda stopped me before I was an ass.
DIANA: It happened so quickly. There wasn’t time.
BUFFY: I can get you banished again. Your mom likes me.
DIANA: She simply likes that you aren’t male.
BUFFY {shaking her head}: I don’t even know why we go out anymore.
{Smirking has recommenced. Bruce has gone from neutral to annoyed.}
BUFFY: Shutting up’s apparently not that easy.
BRUCE: Start taking this seriously.
BUFFY: I would, but you’re kind of a hog. Seriously.
XANDER {claps his hands together}: Looks like we’re all a’gathered, so...
{He clearly wants to stop the staring match before it begins round two. Buffy and Diana join the others, and they all turn toward the computer.}
XANDER: You’re on, Tracy.
{On her monitor is a webpage. We’re at--}
WILLOW: Ugh, YouTube?
TRACY: I was just surfing around, and...
{She clicks, and in a moment the video plays. In the window is the Joker’s suited, upper chest. Only his chest.}
THE JOKER: Loners, perverts, the blogosphere! Lend me your ears! {beat} Careful, I might not give them back. HA!
{Then he realizes...}
THE JOKER: HARLEY!
{The camera whips up, bringing his very angry face front-and-center.}
HARLEY: Oops. Sorry, puddin’.
{His fist comes up, pulled back, ready to punch. It holds there for a moment, then lowers and he relaxes into a smile. He puts his hand to the side of his mouth.}
THE JOKER: Means well, but the bulb’s a little dim.
HARLEY: HEY!
THE JOKER: Moving on...I just flew in from out of town, and boy, my arms aren’t tired at all. Why the visit, you ask? Gotham just doesn’t get the joke, kiddies. I need a new audience. One that won’t see the punch line coming. But before we can laugh to--
{The video freezes.}
TRACY: It’s gotta, um, rebuffer.
XANDER: C’mon!
{THWACK.}
WILLOW: Don’t hit the monitor, sweetie.
{The video resumes.}
THE JOKER: --gether, I need funding. Capital. Dead Colonials. Would’ve let Metropolis’ own, evil “Daddy Warbucks” out of his box, but then old Cue-ball would just try to upstage me. That’s why my new pal...
{He steps aside enough so we see someone tied on a chair with duct tape over his mouth.}
THE JOKER: ...Andy here, created this ingenious thing called a PayPal account, so all of *you*, can send *me* your money. Right from your chairs! You don’t even have to get up off of those fat, wonderful keisters!
{He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye.}
THE JOKER: God bless Al Gore.
{He walks to Andy and grabs his chin.}
THE JOKER: Mommy must be proud. When did you say she gets home?
{Then he pets his cheek and goes in front of the camera again. He holds up a piece of poster board. It reads: YOURUNCLEJOKER@LETSKILLTHEBAT.COM.}
THE JOKER: Click all donations to, “yourunclejoker(at)letskillthebat(dot)com.”
{He lowers the poster board, and tosses it aside.}
THE JOKER: That’s right, gentle viewers, first thing’s first--clipping Batman’s wings. Talk about a guy who doesn’t get the joke...he’s like the faithful dog I never wanted. No matter how many times I drive him out into the middle of oncoming traffic, he always comes back for another kick in the snout. I know he’s skulking around somewhere, ready to spoil everything.
HARLEY: Mixin’ your animal metaphors, aren’tcha, Mr. J?
THE JOKER: I’m supposed to, I’m insane!
{He relaxes again.}
THE JOKER: Whaddaya say, all my Internet fans out there? Help me exterminate the oversized, flying rodent once and for all, then the games can *truly* begin!
{He walks back to Andy, then turns his head toward camera, with a menacing grin.}
THE JOKER: And if you’re watching, Batsy, ‘til it’s time for our familiar, grim fandango...
{The camera starts to slowly zoom in, and he holds up a knife.}
THE JOKER: ...see you in the funny pages.
{Window goes black in the middle of his laughter fit. They all stare at it, frozen.}
WILLOW {pale}: He wasn’t really going to...Goddess, this *really* isn’t ‘cause I had that caffeine binge the other day, is it? This is happening, this is...nuts.
BARBARA: He definitely is.
BRUCE {to Buffy}: Now do you understand?
BUFFY: Wish I didn’t.
{Her expression becomes focused.}
BUFFY: We need a location. Anything from the news? Anywhere?
GRACE: Got something.
{Everyone goes over to her and her monitor, then hovers behind her.}
GRACE: Dunno how I lived without Google back home. Anyways, top link goes to a news station’s website in New York. A comic book store burned down in Lower Manhattan yesterday, cops think it’s arson...and a couple people saw a guy in purple walking away from the scene before they got there.
BRUCE: It’s him. {to Buffy} What’s your plan?
{The corner of Barbara’s mouth upturns.}
BUFFY: Figure it out when we get there.
XANDER: This ain’t good.
WILLOW AND BARBARA: And nuts.
{They both smile. This time Willow doesn’t take hers back, because she sees she isn’t being mocked.}
XANDER: Also what they said. “Demons” plus “goodness that ain’t” I’m used to, but...
DIANA: At least no one would seriously consider giving that psychopath their money.
{No one else is nearly as confident as the sometimes naïve princess.}
BUFFY: We get there *fast*.
-----
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