Story: See Ya In (and out) of the Funny Pages (all chapters)

{Scene: SCOTLAND SLAYER HQ, OUTSIDE TRAINING GROUNDS. Buffy stands beside Willow, the portal her friend had opened just about closing behind them.}

BUFFY’S THOUGHT: At least I didn’t eat anything before we left. At least there wasn’t FLYING. Again.

{She looks at Willow, who’s looking not at her. Awkward.}

BUFFY: You hate me.

{Willow’s still not looking at her. In fact, her eyes are somewhat wide. Buffy doesn’t notice.}

BUFFY: Okay, I’d hate me, too. If I didn’t know the whole...whole. And you don’t know. How not easy it was to decide. ‘Cause you weren’t here, helping with. But it’s done and I’m not gonna apologize, and why didn’t you say anything?

WILLOW {dumbstruck}: Holy cowl.

{Buffy turns, and a smile begins to spread over her face as she finally sees BATGIRL there.}

BUFFY: Barbara, hey!

{They hug like friends, unaware of the jealousy on Willow’s face.}

BUFFY {hopeful, but nervous}: Who flew this time?

DAWN: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

{The giant teenager’s laughter reaches them, and rings loud like church bells.}

BATGIRL {smirking}: Guess.

{They all walk around to where the stream is, though Willow keeps her distance, and then there sits Dawn, SUPERGIRL perched on her shoulder, giggling.}

DAWN: She was such a ho, I swear!

SUPERGIRL: No way!

{Buffy and Batgirl crane their necks.}

BUFFY: Repeat nothing of what my sister says to your cousin okay, Kara?

SUPERGIRL {waving}: Oh hi, Buffy! Relax, Clark has ‘Super Denial,’ too.

{On the ground, something appears to dawn on Batgirl. Pun unintentional.}

BATGIRL: Almost forgot.

{Her tone makes Buffy wary.}

BATGIRL {grinning}: Xander says I wasn’t the only one up, up and away. Boy, is Diana not gonna believe it when I tell her.

{Willow joins them, and doesn’t miss the blonde slayer’s blush.}

BUFFY: I had exactly choice none. It was completely mission-related, and completely protested under. And if you do, I don’t care who your boss is, I’m kicking your bat--

WILLOW: What the hecate is going on!??! They aren’t real!

{Her outburst gets everyone’s attention. Supergirl looks offended.}

WILLOW: I know! I’m concussed, right? Buffy, am I concussed?

BUFFY: No concussion, I promise. All real. Um, it’s kind of a...well, short story, actually. The way I tell it.

WILLOW: Eve-even the part where my lesbidar booped and beeped a-and says you might be dating Wond--?

BUFFY {semi-annoyed}: Her name’s Diana.

{Then the nervousness is back. Her hand rubs the back of her head.}

BUFFY: And um, wow, great "Dar" there, Will.

-----

{Scene: THREE MONTHS AGO, WATCHTOWER CONFERENCE ROOM. Around the table sits WONDER WOMAN, SUPERMAN, HAWKGIRL, GREEN LANTERN, BATMAN, an empty chair, Buffy, and finally an agape, star struck Xander.}

{Obviously, he’s there as Buffy’s translator. Duh. Her foot kicks him under the table.}

BUFFY: She calls herself what now?

SUPERMAN: Clobber Girl.

BUFFY: Clobber...

HAWKGIRL {eyes narrowed}: Girl.

BUFFY: Seriously?

{Batman leans forward, looking at Buffy past the empty chair.}

BATMAN: It’s her decision.

{She leans forward to look at him.}

BUFFY: I don’t force any girl to join. I’m just here to let her know why she has the power she has, and that she’s not alone. If she doesn’t wanna come back with us, fine.

BATMAN: But you did. According to your story, getting that power was never their choice. And now you’re responsible for whatever they do with it.

{She glares, then turns to Xander.}

BUFFY {whispering}: I think I don’t like him.

XANDER {whispering back}: Ixnay, Buf. For the love of god, ixnay.

BUFFY: I should just spill his secret identity. I saw the movie. And Wonder Woman’s really...tall. Basketball tall. Don’t you think?

XANDER: Yeah. Heightly. You betcha.

FLASH: Wait, so you’ve only got super-strength? You don’t fly or breathe underwater or--

{He’s suddenly in the empty chair, startling Buffy. She looks at Xander like, “Where did he come from?”}

GREEN LANTERN: All you do is run.

FLASH {frowns}: Well, sure, but...fast. Who can break the sound barrier, huh? Hands?

{His raises.}

-----

{Scene: COMMAND CENTRAL, PRESENT. Willow, Buffy and Batgirl are standing by the mystics.}

BUFFY: They opened the first portal. We ended up right in the Watchtower. {cringes} Dinah came *this* close to doing that voice thing.

{Then she’s over it and shrugs.}

BUFFY: Slayers were “spelled” in alternate dimensions, even. Who knew?

{Batgirl slides back her cowl and lets her hair fall loose.}

BATGIRL/BARBARA: You guys have a laundry room or something? Costume’s kinda sweaty.

{Buffy looks over at a GREEN-HAIRED SLAYER on monitor duty, while Xander leaves his dais of authority.}

BUFFY: Tracy, can you--?

{Xander’s there, grabbing Barbara’s arm.}

XANDER {smiling}: I’ll show ya how it’s done. All in the fabric softener.

{Batgirl lets herself be led out, smiling back.}

BATGIRL/BARBARA: It is, huh?

WILLOW {jealous again}: Are they...?

BUFFY: He wishes. A lot.

{For a few seconds they say nothing.}

WILLOW: Well?

BUFFY {playing dumb}: Well, what?

WILLOW {resolve face}: More story.

BUFFY: It’s not that--

{Willow’s arms fling out, animatedly.}

WILLOW: You’re dating Wonder Woman! There’s a “wo” in front of the “man” part!

{Every slayer in Command Central is looking at their leader, who’s trying to duck into herself, a la, a turtle.}

BUFFY: Let’s discuss not here.

{Willow’s hands cross her chest--she’s standing her ground.}

BUFFY {sighing}: She just wanted to make Batman jealous. ‘Cause she liked him. Then it didn’t work, ‘cause he’s a jackass. So she wanted to vent, and wanted me to come with. To her island home. Her ‘no men allowed’ home--kinda a little familiar. And I met her mother, and got tan, and battled some for fun, and somehow we were making out. Really. Me. And a *Princess*. I dunno how it happened. Can the story be over?

-----

{Scene: CASTLE HALL. Sometime later, a dressed-down Barbara--in a shirt and jeans--and Buffy are walking through, passing slayers as they go. Willow’s discreetly tailing them.}

BUFFY: Not that I’m not glad to see you, and Kara makes Dawn forget to be moody, but why--

BARBARA {grinning}: --isn’t a hot, six-foot-tall Amazon who was made out of clay here instead?

BUFFY: 5’11. And she doesn’t feel like...

{Now she blushes.}

BUFFY: Uh, I mean, why dimension hop? Today? You aren’t just here to hang.

BARBARA: Nope, we got a problem. And I had to convince Bruce to let us break it to you first, or you’d hit him again.

{At this, the slayer stops, Barbara with her, and Willow ducks into an alcove, panicky.}

BUFFY: Why would I want to this time?

BARBARA: The Joker knows. About your dimension. We think he found a way to come here.

{Buffy looks up at the ceiling and exhales.}

BUFFY: You’re right. I woulda hit him. {beat} We had a deal. I keep my demons on my side, you keep your supervillain-y people on your side. I actually borrowed some of Xander’s comics, and, how come they never stay in jail, anyway?

{Barbara visibly shivers.}

BARBARA: Don’t bring up the “C-Word,” okay? It’s just weird.

BUFFY: Sorry.

{She closes her eyes in realization, then opens them again.}

BUFFY: I’m gonna need his help--crap.

{They resume walking. Willow does the same after peeking out.}

BUFFY: Tell him he better follow my lead, Barbara. And he better keep a low profile. If people found out you all existed...badness would ensue. Complicated badness.

{Barbara’s palms go up, and she shakes her head.}

BARBARA: Whoa, uh-uh. Don’t put me in the middle of this. *You* can tell him what to do. But even if he does? Won’t matter. The Joker doesn’t know the meaning of “low profile.”

{Dramatic pause.}

BUFFY: So why isn’t Diana here?

BARBARA {smirking}: She’s in Brazil. Our Brazil. Speaking at some global conference about conserving the Rainforest.

{Buffy has a pleased reaction to this side of her girlfriend, and then her eyes widen.}

BUFFY: She’s coming after, isn’t she?

-----

{Scene: “ANDROID’S DUNGEON,” MANHATTAN. It’s a comic shop. The annoyed OWNER is behind his counter of power, while a BROWSER is at a rack flipping through the merchandise.}

{The owner moves around from behind his counter, walks up to the browser, and taps his shoulder. As the browser turns around, the book he’s reading stays in front of his face. It’s a near-mint, first printing of “The Killing Joke.” The owner gasps in horror.}

OWNER: Do you have any idea what you’re holding, man? Unless you got the cash to pay for it, hand it over. Gentle.

{Noises of disappointment come from the other side of the book’s cover. Like the kind you’d make pressing your tongue against the back of your teeth.}

BROWSER: This doesn’t look a *thing* like me!

{Then as the book begins to tear in two, it’s revealed that this person is THE JOKER. The owner gasps in horror again, this time legitimately. The Joker throws both halves aside.}

THE JOKER: I’ll sue!

{Then he presses on the gag flower pinned to his signature, purple suit, releasing his very own gas into the owner’s face, who coughs and gags.}

THE JOKER {wide, toothy, evil smile}: After I burn this place to the ground.

{He pats both his pants pockets, then jacket pockets, and just as he grits his teeth in anger, seems to remember. Reaching into the pocket inside the jacket’s lining, he comes out with a match, then strikes it on the owner’s cheek.}

{He tosses the lit match behind him, laughing with ever-increasing psychotic intensity as he walks away. The flames begin to burn, and the now fetal shop owner’s mouth is stretched into an unnatural grin as he laughs uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face.}

-----

Chapter 2

{Scene: THREE MONTHS AGO, WATCHTOWER COMMISSARY. BOOSTER GOLD is sitting with ELONGATED MAN and VIGILANTE. WILDCAT with BLACK CANARY. Superman and MARTIAN MANHUNTER. Batman with Green Lantern and VIXEN. Supergirl with GREEN ARROW and ZATANNA. And so on and so forth. Flash is present as well, but we can’t exactly tell who he’s sitting with/talking to.}

FLASH : ...I’m telling you. Almost wanna ask for an autograph. You look just like that guy! Which, dude, trust me? Take as a compliment. Because that show totally *rocked*. You want, I’ll grab my DVDs right now.

{Over by the salad bar, Buffy stands with a Chicken Caesar wrap and bottled water already on her tray. Chewing her lip, she can’t decide on the rest.}

WONDER WOMAN: I wouldn’t.

BUFFY: Why...

{She turns her head and stares right at lower points of the W that spreads out across that iconic breast-plate. Her eyes travel up Wonder Woman’s statuesque form, until finally landing on the Amazon’s face and those striking blue eyes.}

BUFFY: ...not?

WONDER WOMAN: The lettuce is wilted. Always.

{The COMMISSARY WORKER on the other side of the salad bar who’s cutting up more tomatoes, glares. Wonder Woman stares the worker right back down.}

WONDER WOMAN: What?

BUFFY {skeptical}: You eat salad?

{Wonder Woman’s forgotten about the worker. Her face says she doesn’t quite know how to take the question, but she’s assumed it’s implying something not nice. Her hands go on her hips, and she’s looking purposefully down at the smaller Buffy. Height difference? Yeah.}

WONDER WOMAN: Are all your sisters that size?

BUFFY: Really aren’t. Except, it’s just *a* sis...

{Wrong sisters.}

BUFFY {realizing}: ...oh.

{Then, realizing the dig...}

BUFFY: Or, hey!

WONDER WOMAN {face-betraying smirk}: Most of the warriors I know don’t usually need to look up.

{Buffy tries to stand tall and rigid, almost on the tips of her shoes, looking as intimidating as she can muster.}

WONDER WOMAN {thoughtful}: But you are a warrior, aren’t you?

BUFFY: Wanna find out?

WONDER WOMAN {smiling}: Not on an empty stomach. You’re welcome to join me, by the way.

{She remembers the worker, looks at them again.}

WONDER WOMAN: And I wasn’t lying.

{Buffy’s picked up her tray, and turned around.}

BUFFY: Been a while since I sat at the cool table.

{It’s possible she’s getting her own, sarcastic, dig in here. But they head off.}

WONDER WOMAN: Maybe you won’t seem so small when we’re sitting down.

BUFFY: Oh yeah--I kinda hated the cool table. Remember now.

SUPERGIRL (V.O.): But even then, it was obvious that they--

DAWN (V.O.): Don’t wanna know this, don’t wanna know this!

-----

{Scene: BARN, PRESENT. Dawn’s sitting with her knees up against her chest, hands over her ears, and the dwarfed Supergirl is standing on the left knee with a satisfied grin.}

SUPERGIRL: If you did, it wouldn’t be as fun.

{Dawn stares down at her tiny friend with a scowl. Her arm is moving down as well.}

DAWN: I can’t believe we’re best friends sometimes.

{Her large, right hand now rests in front of Supergirl, fingers positioned in an “about to flick” manner. A moment later she attacks, but Supergirl isn’t there anymore. The blonde is suddenly hovering, tongue sticking out tauntingly.}

SUPERGIRL: Aw come on, it’s romantic. Shouldn’t you be happy for your sister?

{Dawn’s face does its best, “*Please*.”}

DAWN: Why? More like jealous of. She gets to ride around in an invisible jet, and I’m...

SUPERGIRL: It isn’t her fault you cheated on that guy.

DAWN: Duh, am I saying that? I just want her to, I dunno, care. I’m the size of frickin’ King Kong, Andrew says maybe *bigger* depending on which movie, and she still doesn’t notice me, Kara.

SUPERGIRL: Maybe you gotta make her.

{She flies up to be face level with Dawn.}

SUPERGIRL: You think it’s easy being Superman’s spunky, teenage cousin? Who’s a girl? It was hard enough in Metropolis, but ever since he let me join the League...

{Her eyes look downwards, and she slides hair behind her ear.}

SUPERGIRL: ...there’re a lot of amazing shadows to live in, yunno?

DAWN: At least you don’t hafta feel like a fre... {she blinks} Wuh-h-hey, you’re flying!

SUPERGIRL {eyebrows up}: Um, duh?

DAWN: But I thought...I mean...?

{Supergirl’s palm is on her forehead.}

SUPERGIRL: Oh, right. Duh.

{She goes right up next to Dawn’s left eye and holds her hand out. A ring with a sparkly, yellow gemstone is snug on her finger.}

SUPERGIRL: Zatanna conjured it for me, ‘cause I told her the sun over here bites. It absorbs the energy from *ours* like, into itself--or something--so as long as I’m wearing it, my powers work in this dimension. Pretty cool, huh?

{She backs off a little, then. You can only be *that* close to the white of someone’s humongous eye before it starts to get gross.}

DAWN: Pretty *awesome*. Like, for you. Definitely.

SUPERGIRL: Didn’t you notice how no one needed to catch us when we came through this time? Geez, Buffy’s not the only slow one.

{Dawn’s eyes narrow, and she fills her cheeks full of breath, which she then huffs and puffs at Supergirl, who tumbles into the barn door, and drops onto some bales of hay. Eventually, she picks herself up, and brushes herself off.}

SUPERGIRL {winks}: Not bad. I can do better, though.

{Dawn sticks *her* tongue out.}

SUPERGIRL: You know, the League so could use a giant. Albert doesn’t count. And you’d kick Giganta’s butt in two seconds. She fixes her hair, Dawn. In the middle of a fight. I’ve actually seen her.

{Dawn’s unable to hide the fact that she’s unsure about making such a life choice.}

DAWN: Uh, yeah, that’d be cool.

SUPERGIRL: Just saying, it would get Buffy’s attention...

DAWN: I won’t be like this forever. I hope.

SUPERGIRL {positive smile}: Well, ‘til you’re not, which, uh, is gonna be any day, I’m sure of it...this oughta cheer you up. No matter how huge a freak you think you are? Question walks around without a face. Think about *that*. Okay?

DAWN: Because he really doesn’t, or...?

SUPERGIRL: You wanna find out? Go ahead. Dare ya.

{Though disturbed by the possibilities, Dawn soon smiles.}

DAWN: Thanks, Kara. {evil grin} Waitaminute! What if it was Clark and Lois? Hmmmmmm? How about then? Romantic much?

{And they’re right back where they started. If possible, Supergirl appears even more disturbed than her friend was moments ago. She turns green (not literally), and she covers her mouth like she’s trying to suppress her gag reflex.}

SUPERGIRL: Geeyuch! No! No, nuh-uh, no, no, *no*. Super-hearing isn’t always so great.

DAWN: Oh my god! Holy @$%$!

{Her interest just became extremely peaked. Her face is somewhat red, but her eyes are shining with curiosity large enough to match her size. In this instance, she’s nowhere near slow.}

DAWN: You seriously did?

{Supergirl’s now sitting on the hay bales, hiding her face with her hands. Probably because hers is as red as Dawn’s.}

SUPERGIRL: I...picked the wrong weekend to stay at his apartment once. Please say you’ll drop...

{Her hands move off her face, and her eyes roll upward. She’s distracted by something. Her super hearing is coming in handy.}

SUPERGIRL: Think they’re here.

{After a few seconds of silence, dust is being stirred up and falling, as the sound of Wonder Woman’s jet passes over the barn outside. Supergirl approaches the barn door, and Dawn gets on her hands and knees so she’s right up beside it. Supergirl opens the door to give them just enough room to see out.}

SUPERGIRL: Bet you there’s tongue. Ten dollars.

DAWN: Shut up! Super-Jerk.

SUPERGIRL: Wow. Real original.

{There’s a beat, then--}

DAWN: Twenty there isn’t.

SUPERGIRL: Kidding? You’re on.

-----

{Scene: OUTSIDE TRAINING GROUNDS. Buffy, Barbara, and Xander and another, UNNAMED SLAYER, have come to greet the civilian-ly dressed Diana and Bruce Wayne, standing by the uncloaked jet’s wing.}

BARBARA {saluting}: Howdy, Boss. Diana.

UNNAMED SLAYER: Hey, Wonder Woman. And...*Bruce Wayne*?

{She leans back to whisper to Xander.}

UNNAMED SLAYER: What’s a billionaire doing here?

DIANA: How have you been, Clobber Girl?

CLOBBER GIRLGRACE {leaning forward, caught}: Good. Like it here. But it’s just, um, Grace, now.

DIANA: “Grace.” It’s a beautiful name. {turns to Xander} Hello, Xander.

XANDER: Buh.

{Buffy makes a coughing sound, then tries to look away, disinterested. But she steps away from the people she came with, same as Diana, and they meet in the middle.}

BUFFY: Bout time you showed.

DIANA: Let’s just say, *someone* packs more than I do.

{They kiss warmly, but don’t break “lip seal.” Obviously, Diana’s face is above Buffy’s, but when the kiss is done and they’ve pulled back slightly, she looks curious. Something’s different. The Amazon’s eyes drift downward to see Buffy wearing stylish, yet affordable boots that have added to her height.}

BUFFY: New boots. Hi.

DIANA: Hi.

{They pull back some more, and if they turned their heads, they’d see Bruce. He’s apparently moved from his spot next to the jet. He’s looking in the direction of the castle, not at them.}

BUFFY {offhandedly, not looking either}: Bruce.

BRUCE: Mm.

DAWN: Hah! Pay up. Buffy may have creepy, vampire-sex, probably with shackles and stuff, but she’s not a P.D.A. skank! {beat} D’you even have pockets in those shorts?

{Everyone turns, looking towards the barn where her voice came from. Buffy’s trying to compensate for her embarrassment by glowering.}

SUPERGIRL: Big mouth!

DAWN: Um, love you, sis!

{Then the door fully closes.}

DIANA: Shackles?

BARBARA: And stuff?

{Bruce has finally joined everyone else on the other side. Buffy and Diana have re-mingled with everyone else as well, but now Barbara and Diana are standing side-by-side, looking at Buffy.}

BRUCE: That’s not why we’re here.

BUFFY: Yeah, him. Agree with him. For once.

{They’re both somewhat unsettled by this. Xander, who’s stepped to Diana’s other side, cares not.}

XANDER: Can I be Luggage Guy?

BARBARA {smirking}: He just wants to see inside your jet.

DIANA: Please, I’d appreciate it.

{She leans forward to see the unsociable Bruce.}

DIANA: So would he. It’s hard to tell, I know.

{Xander, like an excited, little boy, hurries towards the jet, and the jet’s ladder.}

BUFFY: He can’t...you know. Can he?

DIANA: The jet needs my vocal authorization to power up. And J’onn promised me he had that problem with the missile launchers taken care of.

BUFFY: Wha...problem? There was a problem?

{Diana grins, Buffy’s un-amused.}

BUFFY: That’s your idea of funny? We haven’t seen each other in three weeks because we have the weirdest definition of “long distance relationship” *ever*, and--

{Bruce feels the need to clear his throat. He’s at Buffy’s side, facing her.}

BRUCE: Has there been any movement from the Joker?

{Buffy faces him, arms across her chest, annoyed. They’re just staring at each other. Barbara’s and Diana’s eyes roll. Then Barbara walks over to the jet, where Xander makes his way out of the jet with what looks to be a heavy, metal briefcase. His feet are on the ladder’s top rung. He seems wobbly.}

{Barbara’s looking up at him, at the foot of the ladder, but back a few steps.}

BARBARA: I’ll catch.

XANDER: Uh, sure about that?

BARBARA: What, you don’t think I can?

XANDER {to himself}: Man, wasn’t expecting to taste foot this soon.

{Without further preamble, he allows himself to fall backward, and he and Barbara become a heap on the ground.}

BARBARA: Ow. I meant the case, ya dork.

XANDER: You okay? Just lost all points, didn’t I?

BARBARA: Depends what’s broken.

{Bruce looks back at them. Well, more at the briefcase.}

BRUCE: Be careful with that. {turns to Buffy again} Well?

{It’s Alpha Male to Alpha Female. Lover-Who-Is to Lover-Who-Never-Was.}

BUFFY: Not yet. Not a centimeter, even.

BRUCE: There will be.

BUFFY: Heard. We’ll be ready to move when he does.

BRUCE: You have no idea who you’re dealing with.

BUFFY: Isn’t that why you’re helping?

BRUCE: What I’m saying, is follow my lead.

BUFFY: Anybody ever tell you that minus the black, you’re a lot less scary? And the pointy ears and the cape and the everything else? {eyes narrow} Here’s what happens. You follow *my* lead, I follow your *suggestions* and/or advice. Kay?

{Barbara and Xander are still picking themselves up.}

BARBARA: I’d say they should just measure already, but...that wouldn’t really work, would it?

XANDER {cringing}: Wrong, *wrong* visual place.

{Suddenly, Grace squeals in surprise.}

GRACE: Bruce Wayne is *Batman*? Wicked!

{This gets no one’s attention. Diana steps up to both of the not-backing-down leaderly types.}

DIANA: Are you both finished?

BRUCE: Mm.

{He heads to a recovered, Barbara and Xander, and picks his case off the ground. Then he heads towards the castle. Buffy lets her arms hang down, and exhales.}

BUFFY: Barbara, you wanna...?

BARBARA: On it.

{She jogs over to catch up to her nocturnal employer. Xander takes a deep breath.}

XANDER: Once more into the breach goes me.

{While he does that, Diana’s beside Buffy again.}

DIANA: That went better than last time.

{Buffy moves so she can collapse into her girlfriend’s body, exhausted by the verbal sparring. Diana’s hand is on the small of her back.}

BUFFY {muffled}: Him I didn’t miss.

DIANA: Believe it or not, he respects you. And you respect him.

BUFFY {still muffled}: Spill n’ I deny. Lived in Sunnydale--I’m good at it.

{Above, from a castle window, Willow has been watching them, and sees Grace head inside before focusing back on the couple.}

DIANA: ...Shackles?

------

{Scene: SPARE CASTLE BEDROOM. Bruce is sitting on the bed with his case open and his back to Barbara, who’s leaning on the wall by the door. There’s an area rug on the floor, and an armoire standing against the far wall.}

BARBARA: Yeesh. There went any doubts I might’ve still had about you not being a people person. {beat} Least she gave you your own room.

BRUCE: If this is going to be what I think it is, I’m not interested.

BARBARA: Yeah, known you long enough to have gotten that by now. It was one of the first things Dick warned me never to try.

{Bruce has looked up from the case, but still isn’t facing her.}

BRUCE: But?

BARBARA: But when boys are being, well, boys, it’s better just to tune them out.

{She pushes off the wall, and goes behind him, trying to look over his shoulder. She catches a glimpse inside the case. The bat-gadgets are within. Belt, batarangs, smoke grenades, aerosols, bat-grapple, etc.}

BARBARA: It is Buffy’s turf. And she was right about something before. We’re here, but we can’t *be here*. In this world, we aren’t supposed to be real. Her friend? Willow? Thought she had brain damage when she saw us.

BRUCE: I know how not to be seen, Barbara. That’s why I work nights. But I won’t jeopardize Batman or Gotham just to make things easier on her. The Joker only has to catch a glimpse of Bruce Wayne walking around in this dimension, and he’ll put two and two together.

BARBARA: He could think you’re Superman.

{Now he looks a little pissed, like he’s insulted. He turns to look at her, finally.}

BARBARA: Wait, no. Superman smiles. {weak smile} Hey, you know, five, different guys have been *you* in movies? Xander showed me. Two were kind of cute, but...

{Buffy and Diana are walking by the room and down the hall. Buffy’s carrying her girlfriend’s bag.}

DIANA: I’m not having this conversation again. It was my mother’s.

BUFFY: Who’s great. And it’s a thing, a working thing. M’understanding that. Isn’t that I don’t like it...’cause I do. Love it. Biggest fan, really. The bracelets are shiny, and the underwear’s...um, very Pro-American. Plus, rest of the outfit? Accentuate-y.

{They’ve both passed the door now, but the talking continues.}

BUFFY: But don’t you think it’s sorta--?

DIANA: No.

{Bruce closes the case, forcefully.}

BRUCE: We wouldn’t be here now, we wouldn’t need to be, if they’d just taken that girl three months ago and gone. For good.

BARBARA: There’s that...or, when the big, important Justice League brain-trust fires somebody, they have to make sure that that somebody doesn’t leave the space station disgruntled. Especially a lunch lady...dang, can *she* hold a grudge.

{He asks a silent question.}

BARBARA: Relax, I *don’t* blab. You’re conscious, aren’t you? {beat} Anyway, they’re our friends now. They’re fun. And they’ve helped us out more than once. I don’t hafta tell you that. We owe ‘em; try to play nice.

{Then she braces herself for impact.}

BARBARA: Sure you didn’t mean, Diana wouldn’t be--?

BRUCE {“don’t challenge me” eyes}: I’m sure. And still not interested.

{She smiles sadly at her failed attempt, then turns to go.}

BARBARA: Whatever you say, Boss.

{She stops short at the door, because Xander’s suddenly in the way, with a regular suitcase in hand this time. They smile at each other, she steps aside and he comes into the room.}

XANDER: Hey, Batm...guh, Bru...uh, Mr. Wayne? Sir?

{He sets down the suitcase next to the door.}

XANDER: Got this outta the...

{He puts a finger to his ear. Someone’s speaking into the earpiece.}

XANDER: Copy that.

{Bruce begins to stand.}

BARBARA: What is it?

XANDER: Think we got a hit.

{He starts to grin like the geek he is at heart. Bruce stares at him disapprovingly. He gulps.}

XANDER: Which is a bad. So I’m gonna...sergeant.

{Bruce gets closer and Xander throws his thumb backward, out the door.}

XANDER: Thattaway.

{Barbara stares at an empty doorway a little too long. He was true to his word.}

BRUCE: Something I should know?

{She doesn’t turn around.}

BARBARA: Hm, nope. One dad’s enough, thanks.

-----

{Scene: COMMAND CENTRAL. Slayers on duty are going about their business. Mystics are being...mystical. Willow, Barbara, Xander and Bruce all standing behind the green-haired Tracy, sitting at her computer. Buffy enters in a run, Diana following. The Amazon is more walking with urgency.}

BUFFY: Who’s hit? How bad? Where?

{She’s reached everyone, and they’re all looking at her with various smirks. Well, Bruce is rather neutral in his expression. Her hands move up, self-consciously.}

BUFFY: What? Is there something on my face?

XANDER: *A* hit, Bufster. Y’know, blip on the radar? Flag on the grid? Pi--

BARBARA: It’s the Joker.

BRUCE: Or so we’ve been told.

WILLOW {whispering to Barbara}: Is he always this grouchy?

BARBARA {whispering back}: Oh, this isn’t “grouchy.” You’ll know when he is. It gets a lot worse.

{Willow smiles, then un-smiles, when she remembers she doesn’t like her fellow redhead. Meanwhile, Buffy’s embarrassed for the second time in less than a half hour.}

BUFFY: So, not my face. Think I’ll just...shut up. {to Diana} Coulda stopped me before I was an ass.

DIANA: It happened so quickly. There wasn’t time.

BUFFY: I can get you banished again. Your mom likes me.

DIANA: She simply likes that you aren’t male.

BUFFY {shaking her head}: I don’t even know why we go out anymore.

{Smirking has recommenced. Bruce has gone from neutral to annoyed.}

BUFFY: Shutting up’s apparently not that easy.

BRUCE: Start taking this seriously.

BUFFY: I would, but you’re kind of a hog. Seriously.

XANDER {claps his hands together}: Looks like we’re all a’gathered, so...

{He clearly wants to stop the staring match before it begins round two. Buffy and Diana join the others, and they all turn toward the computer.}

XANDER: You’re on, Tracy.

{On her monitor is a webpage. We’re at--}

WILLOW: Ugh, YouTube?

TRACY: I was just surfing around, and...

{She clicks, and in a moment the video plays. In the window is the Joker’s suited, upper chest. Only his chest.}

THE JOKER: Loners, perverts, the blogosphere! Lend me your ears! {beat} Careful, I might not give them back. HA!

{Then he realizes...}

THE JOKER: HARLEY!

{The camera whips up, bringing his very angry face front-and-center.}

HARLEY: Oops. Sorry, puddin’.

{His fist comes up, pulled back, ready to punch. It holds there for a moment, then lowers and he relaxes into a smile. He puts his hand to the side of his mouth.}

THE JOKER: Means well, but the bulb’s a little dim.

HARLEY: HEY!

THE JOKER: Moving on...I just flew in from out of town, and boy, my arms aren’t tired at all. Why the visit, you ask? Gotham just doesn’t get the joke, kiddies. I need a new audience. One that won’t see the punch line coming. But before we can laugh to--

{The video freezes.}

TRACY: It’s gotta, um, rebuffer.

XANDER: C’mon!

{THWACK.}

WILLOW: Don’t hit the monitor, sweetie.

{The video resumes.}

THE JOKER: --gether, I need funding. Capital. Dead Colonials. Would’ve let Metropolis’ own, evil “Daddy Warbucks” out of his box, but then old Cue-ball would just try to upstage me. That’s why my new pal...

{He steps aside enough so we see someone tied on a chair with duct tape over his mouth.}

THE JOKER: ...Andy here, created this ingenious thing called a PayPal account, so all of *you*, can send *me* your money. Right from your chairs! You don’t even have to get up off of those fat, wonderful keisters!

{He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye.}

THE JOKER: God bless Al Gore.

{He walks to Andy and grabs his chin.}

THE JOKER: Mommy must be proud. When did you say she gets home?

{Then he pets his cheek and goes in front of the camera again. He holds up a piece of poster board. It reads: YOURUNCLEJOKER@LETSKILLTHEBAT.COM.}

THE JOKER: Click all donations to, “yourunclejoker(at)letskillthebat(dot)com.”

{He lowers the poster board, and tosses it aside.}

THE JOKER: That’s right, gentle viewers, first thing’s first--clipping Batman’s wings. Talk about a guy who doesn’t get the joke...he’s like the faithful dog I never wanted. No matter how many times I drive him out into the middle of oncoming traffic, he always comes back for another kick in the snout. I know he’s skulking around somewhere, ready to spoil everything.

HARLEY: Mixin’ your animal metaphors, aren’tcha, Mr. J?

THE JOKER: I’m supposed to, I’m insane!

{He relaxes again.}

THE JOKER: Whaddaya say, all my Internet fans out there? Help me exterminate the oversized, flying rodent once and for all, then the games can *truly* begin!

{He walks back to Andy, then turns his head toward camera, with a menacing grin.}

THE JOKER: And if you’re watching, Batsy, ‘til it’s time for our familiar, grim fandango...

{The camera starts to slowly zoom in, and he holds up a knife.}

THE JOKER: ...see you in the funny pages.

{Window goes black in the middle of his laughter fit. They all stare at it, frozen.}

WILLOW {pale}: He wasn’t really going to...Goddess, this *really* isn’t ‘cause I had that caffeine binge the other day, is it? This is happening, this is...nuts.

BARBARA: He definitely is.

BRUCE {to Buffy}: Now do you understand?

BUFFY: Wish I didn’t.

{Her expression becomes focused.}

BUFFY: We need a location. Anything from the news? Anywhere?

GRACE: Got something.

{Everyone goes over to her and her monitor, then hovers behind her.}

GRACE: Dunno how I lived without Google back home. Anyways, top link goes to a news station’s website in New York. A comic book store burned down in Lower Manhattan yesterday, cops think it’s arson...and a couple people saw a guy in purple walking away from the scene before they got there.

BRUCE: It’s him. {to Buffy} What’s your plan?

{The corner of Barbara’s mouth upturns.}

BUFFY: Figure it out when we get there.

XANDER: This ain’t good.

WILLOW AND BARBARA: And nuts.

{They both smile. This time Willow doesn’t take hers back, because she sees she isn’t being mocked.}

XANDER: Also what they said. “Demons” plus “goodness that ain’t” I’m used to, but...

DIANA: At least no one would seriously consider giving that psychopath their money.

{No one else is nearly as confident as the sometimes naïve princess.}

BUFFY: We get there *fast*.

-----

Chapter 3

{Scene: INSIDE WONDER WOMAN’S JET. Diana’s flying with Buffy in the seat beside her, then in the seats behind them, are Bruce and Kara. The teenage blonde is in plain attire like the rest of them, reading a comic book.}

KARA: I’d fall out of the sky with those!

XANDER {through her earpiece}: Tell me you’re not bending the cover back.

{Yes, yes she is. She takes her hand off and lets it unbend, though.}

KARA: I’m not bending the cover back. Does Barbara know what’s in this?

{She gets no response, and smirks.}

DIANA: I hear you flew a few days ago. With Willow.

{Buffy’s eyes close.}

BUFFY’S THOUGHT: Damn it. *That’s* why she wanted to teleport ahead.

DIANA: Has she always been a witch?

BUFFY: Mostly since college. {eyes open} Diana...

{Her head turns toward her piloting girlfriend, who’s keeping her eyes forward.}

DIANA: You’ll fly with her, with Shayera...

BUFFY: Bizarro dropped me! I was plummeting!

DIANA: I guess we remember it differently.

BUFFY: It’s not you--how many times am I gonna hafta say? I’m a “feet on the ground” type of girl. Never went on roller coasters when I was little. Hot air balloons were a big no. I didn’t even watch “Airplane” ‘til after I was alive. The third time. If them being off is avoidable, I’m avoiding. And maybe I don’t...wanna ride my girlfriend in mid-air.

{She leans forward, looking down out the windows.}

BUFFY: There’re people down there. With cameras. Good cameras.

{She leans back, flush, Diana has a small grin, Kara’s snickering, and Bruce has his eyes closed, and is pinching the bridge of his nose.}

DIANA: New York is supposed to have excellent Chinese food...which most people in this country likely believe because the closest they’ve come to that region of Asia is through television. But still, once this is over, we could...try some.

BUFFY: Ooh. Chinatown! It’s so a date. Hope we see those neat, paper-dragon thingies.

DIANA: You’re buying.

BUFFY {smiling}: When don’t I?

BRUCE: Are we there yet?

-----

{Scene: MANHATTAN SLAYER HQ, LOFT BALCONY. Willow slides the balcony door closed behind her as she steps outside. Barbara’s there, standing at the balcony wall, looking out over the city. Sounds of traffic, construction, and urban life waft up from below.}

WILLOW: This is less noisy?

BARBARA: I’m used to it. {beat} In there, though...

WILLOW: I’m used to “girl noisy.” {blush} That came out wrong.

{Barbara laughs, turns around, and pushes herself up so she sits on the wall.}

BARBARA: I’ve never been mobbed like that. Feel like a celebrity...I think I’d rather be alone with Two Face and Killer Croc. {eyes widen} *That* came out wrong.

{Both of them blanch. Then Willow walks up and hops on the wall next to Barbara.}

WILLOW: You’re not a celebrity back home? You’re Batgirl!

BARBARA: Kara is. I try to disappear. Dark clothes? {beat} Bruce’s main rule is “don’t get noticed.” Massive property damage is okay, just don’t let anyone spot you. That’s why I always tease him about being a founding member of the League--they’re on the news every other day. {looks back toward the door} But those girls...I don’t get it. They didn’t all...read about me, did they?

WILLOW: Probably a high percent. “Girl nerds” are in. It’s a movement now.

BARBARA: What about the other percent?

WILLOW: Andrew’s fault.

BARBARA: Oh, *him*.

WILLOW: You’re in the “orientation video” him and Violet made when we first started recruiting. He had this whole section about how they didn’t need superpowers to already be strong. His examples lasted “Pi”-long. You, Princess Leia, Captain Janeway, Gabrielle, President Roslin, Ripley...his heart was in a...place.

BARBARA: Lemme guess...all fictional?

WILLOW {after a moment}: Last week? Uh huh. Today? They maybe aren’t. May-maybe. Somewhere. D’you ever wonder how--?

BARBARA: --nuts it is?

WILLOW {guilty look}: I didn’t mean...we smiled! Remember?

BARBARA: Then it’s because I like Xander.

WILLOW: Used to “girl noises.” In a happy way.

{That didn’t come out wrong.}

BARBARA: Because I’m friends with Buffy? That’s my last straw left.

{There’re several beats of silence as Willow decides what to say.}

WILLOW: Xander and I were best friends before he said words, and I kinda did have a crush for, uh, eighteen years, so I liked what he liked. “You” comic books were my favorite.

{She raises her hand.}

WILLOW: High percent person. I wore your costume for Halloween; um, I was eight. We had lots in common. Our same hair, regular old girl nerds with nifty hacking skills, crime-figh...that last I might’ve pretended. But, two out of three. He never saw.

BARBARA: So I was right.

WILLOW: And the-the “Buffy” reason, too. You’re her new me.

BARBARA: So you just completely lied.

WILLOW: You never said “all of the above”! There was no “D”!

BARBARA: That’s such a cheat. And if I’m supposed to be the new redhead, how come she constantly talked about you?

WILLOW: She did? Buffy did?

BARBARA {nods}: Both of them. They missed you, Willow. Six months is a long time.

{She’s obviously fishing for information, but Willow doesn’t take the bait.}

BARBARA: Listen, I don’t wanna get in between you guys. Getting away, coming here, having a friend like Buffy...I love it. Plus, Xander’s...really sweet. But once we stop the Joker, I’ll go back home. For good. If you want me to.

WILLOW: How come you couldn’t be a bitch? No, you’re super nice, and I always wanted to meet you, and you can’t go. Xander hasn’t smiled tons since Anya; Buffy hasn’t since Spike made Sunnydale gobble itself up. But with you and Wonder...Diana, they have smiley-face smiles. Those’re nothing to achoo at.

{She sighs, picks at her dress.}

WILLOW: I wasn’t around helping, though. I was...by myself. For a long time. Then I’m back to Warren being alive with skin still missing, trying to “McMurphy” me. Dawnie’s Dawnie and we’re Lilliput, poor Switzerland got robbed, some stupid mystery guy-man wants magick gone, “Rainbow Buffy” isn’t just a dream I don’t have, and I’m babbling. To *Batgirl*. Missed so much. I dunno if I fit anymore.

BARBARA: You do. It’s all in your head. {she hops off the wall} C’mon, it has to’ve died down, and I need to hack into that account before they land. You can watch.

WILLOW {hops down too}: I could get in faster than you.

BARBARA: Yeah, with magick maybe. Do you even remember how to use a computer?

{Willow interlocks her fingers and stretches them out.}

WILLOW: Get me a wireless card and a mocha.

BARBARA {holds out her hand}: Loser pays for lunch? For the entire loft?

{Willow shakes, then they walk over to the door, and Barbara slides it open.}

WILLOW: Before I’m too game-faced? Thanks.

{Barbara smiles, and they go inside, Willow becoming distracted by the other woman’s hair.}

BARBARA: Before I am? Call me “Barbara.” After you call me the best.

WILLOW {seemingly hasn’t heard a word, pouting}: Yours is more bouncy...

-----

{Scene: A MULTI-LEVEL HOME SOMEWHERE IN CONEY ISLAND, BROOKLYN. The Joker is sitting at a kitchen table, in a normal-looking kitchen, wearing glasses and making notes on a sheet of paper. Several sheets are strewn across the table, in various, crumpled states.}

{He balls up the one he’s writing on, and tosses it in frustration.}

THE JOKER: No, no, NO!

HARLEY {calling from the other room}: How’s the plan comin’?

THE JOKER: Never hurry genius. Especially if it’s mad. This is what happens when you build your reputation on being unexpected--the pressure’s murder. {blows air up into his face} I usually love that! How’s our little nest egg coming along?

HARLEY: Almost a hundred G’s and counting.

THE JOKER {giggling}: They grow up so fast.

{Loud crashes and the general ruckus of fighting can be heard downstairs. He stands up sharply, and yanks the glasses off his face.}

THE JOKER: Him? So soon? Impossible! His entrances are never this obvious. Well, they say an old bat’s sense of style is the first thing to go.

{When he creeps downstairs, Harley has joined him, mallet in hand. The entire first level is a Barber shop. It hasn’t been in business for a while, as the sheen of dust over everything indicates. It’s kind of a fixer upper. Three of the Joker’s henchmen are in a pile at TWILIGHT’S feet. Yeah, *that* TWILIGHT.}

THE JOKER {seeing that it isn’t Batman}: Ooh, a customer! {goes over to a chair, pulls the sheet off, and produces a razor from behind it} Shave and a haircut? Only two bits. Why, that’s practically slitting my own wrists. Rather slit yours, though. {grins}

{Twilight steps over the pile.}

TWILIGHT: YOU’RE INTERFERING WITH MY PLANS, CLOWN. THEY AREN’T MEANT TO COME HERE YET.

THE JOKER: Oh, you’re one of them. {slides his palm down his face} Unimaginative mask, leather, deep, ominous voice that *has* to hurt the throat...no funny bone...if I wanted the competition, I wouldn’t have wasted all those frequent flyer miles. And look what you did to poor Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.

TWILIGHT: THEY WERE IN MY WAY. AS ARE YOU. LEAVE.

HARLEY: Get your own abandoned building! We were squatting here first!

{She runs at him, ready to swing her mallet when it leaves her grip and floats into his. He drops it to the ground, snaps it under his boot, and reaches his hand out to snare her around the throat. With that one hand, he lifts her and throws her into one of the mirrors. She drops and slides off the counter below, onto broken glass.}

THE JOKER {getting fearful}: Way to take one for the team, lambytoes.

{He begins backing up, and Twilight levitates off the floor, beginning to glide to him.}

THE JOKER: This town must be big enough for the two of us. Share the stage; let me put on my show. You won’t even know I’m there. {he has his fingers crossed behind his back} From one homicidal, ego-maniac to another.

TWILIGHT: I’M NOTHING LIKE YOU. I WANT TO BETTER THE WORLD, YOU ONLY WANT TO TEAR IT DOWN.

{The Joker’s hit a wall. He’s got nowhere to go.}

THE JOKER: Here’s the thing I’ve always found about differences in philosophy...they rarely seem to matter when you’ve busted a gut.

{Twilight’s up next to his face. He goes to his old standby and releases “Joker Toxin” into Twilight’s mask. As it clears, Twilight holds there for several beats, then--}

TWILIGHT: DON’T DO THAT AGAIN.

{The Joker swallows nervously. His razor clatters to the floor.}

TWILIGHT: HAVE YOUR SHOW. BUT NO HARM COMES TO THE SLAYER AND HER ARMY, OR IT ENDS. THIS IS A JACKET, NOT A CAPE. I WILL SEE YOU DEAD.

{He turns away, and a portal opens in front of him.}

THE JOKER {straightening his tie}: That’s it? Not afraid I’ll tear everything down? That there won’t be anything left once I’m through making the world smile? I can tell a hypocrite, and you aren’t. So how do I know you won’t drop by just in time to heckle the closing number?

TWILIGHT: BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE TO. HE ALWAYS DOES.

{With that, he exits. The Joker sneers at the closing portal. Then he looks perplexed.}

THE JOKER: What’s a slayer? And I could swear he said, “army.” {looks at Harley} What do you think? Any ideas?

{Still slightly concussed, she tries to push herself up, but just collapses right back down.}

THE JOKER: Didn’t think so.

{He heads back upstairs.}

HARLEY: Right behind ya, Mr. J.

-----

{Scene: AN UPPER MANHATTAN HOSPITAL, EARLY EVENING. Buffy and Diana step off an elevator as the doors open, onto the floor.}

BUFFY: How do you fly, anyway? Always wondered.

DIANA {slightly offensive}: How do you walk?

BUFFY: I dunno. I just do.

DIANA: Exactly.

{They walk toward the nurses’ station, Buffy trying not to look at the patients moving or wheeling by, some ill, some injured.}

BUFFY: Hate hospitals. And that was a serious question. Go get the lasso if you don’t believe me.

DIANA {smile}: It was Hermes’ gift when I was born.

BUFFY: {beat} My Aunt Darlene made me a blanket.

DIANA: That’s a thoughtful gift.

BUFFY: Yeah, yeah. Hope Will and Barbara were right about him getting brought here. And did they seem chummier than yesterday?

{Before Diana can answer, they’ve reached the station, and the NURSE at the desk is looking at them.}

NURSE: Can I help you?

DIANA: Yes, we hope so. Could you tell us where we could find Andrew Bergman’s room, please?

{The nurse takes in Diana’s height, quirks her eyebrow, and there’s a brief flash of recognition in her eyes before she seemingly lets it pass.}

NURSE: Friend or family?

BUFFY: Kinda more well-wishers. We saw what happened to him on the Internet, and we just wanted--

NURSE: Let me save you ladies the trouble. You two aren’t the first to come in asking about that young man today, and when his mother heard about it...Doctor Fredricks ended up having to give the woman a valium to calm her down. Ask me she should sue that website.

BUFFY: Will he be okay?

NURSE: He’s got a lot of healing to do. {leaning forward, talking low} It’s like that son of a bitch just wanted to see how much he could bleed without killing him.

{Buffy and Diana share a grim look.}

DIANA: Would it be all right if we waited? We don’t want to upset his mother any further, but maybe once she wakens, we could ask her permission to...

BUFFY: ...say hi.

NURSE {eyebrow quirks again}: I need to change his dressings in an hour. I’ll see if she’s up then. Meantime, you can sit over there.

DIANA: Thank you, Sister.

NURSE: {beat} Sure. Whatever.

{The couple heads over to the chairs in the small lounge.}

BUFFY: “Wakens”?

DIANA: Don’t get me started on your vocabulary.

{Seated, Buffy takes off her coat and makes a pillow out of it on Diana’s lap, then lays her head there.}

BUFFY: Shut up. You love my unconventional-ness.

DIANA: I think this is another one of those things we remember differently.

{Her hand absently strokes the slayer’s hair.}

BUFFY: Yeah, yeah. How do you think Plan B’s going?

-----

{Scene: ANDREW BERGMAN’S APARTMENT, LOWER MANHATTAN. “Plan B” is in progress. Willow magick’s open the locked door and ducks under the police tape to come into the small apartment. Living room and kitchen are almost one in the same.}

WILLOW: Look at me, I’m breaking laws; I’m “Lawbreaker Willow.” I feel dirty.

BATMAN: Then take a shower after we’re done.

{He steps out of the shadows next to the open window on the other end of the apartment. That’s how he got in. Willow nearly jumps out of her skin.}

WILLOW: Don’t do that!

{That was louder than she intended, and in an instant, his hand is clamped over her mouth.}

BATMAN: Quiet.

WILLOW: Mmf srrpha.

{He removes his hand, she dials down to a whisper.}

WILLOW: I woulda been way more jumpy if you were “Frogman.” Whoo.

{He stares at her.}

WILLOW: I-I have frog fear.

BATMAN: You didn’t need to come.

WILLOW: Buffy made me backup. Case something CNN-able happens. Then I’ll just whip up a spell, and--

BATMAN: Nobody will ever know we were here. If. You’re. Quiet.

WILLOW: Can do. In high school I was mousey.

{He heads away from her, down the small hallway, toward an ajar door at the end.}

WILLOW {grumbling}: Grouch.

BATMAN: As soon as I find a trail worth following, don’t hesitate.

{He isn’t speaking to her.}

-----

{Scene: SKIES OVER NEW YORK CITY. Supergirl is flying, with Batgirl on her back. They’ve done this before.}

SUPERGIRL: Roger. I’ve got my ear to...like, everywhere.

XANDER {through their earpieces}: Satellite feed is live on this end. And Violet’s got all the shortest cuts mapped out. Give me an address and we’ll give you the quickest route.

{He coughs.}

XANDER: So, uh, you and Will and the “bonding time” today...what’d you gals gab about?

BATGIRL {grinning}: Wouldn’t you like to know.

XANDER {under his breath}: S**t.

BATGIRL: She’s just lucky I called a draw.

{She isn’t speaking to him.}

-----

{Scene: BACK AT ANDREW BERGMAN’S APARTMENT. Batman and Willow are in his bedroom now, staring at the bloodstain on the carpet, and the chair he’d been sitting in, in the video. He’s got a bed, a small shelf with a boom box on top and CDs and books below, and a desk where his computer should be. Couple posters too.}

{Willow looks like she wants to object to Barbara’s statement.}

BATMAN: Keep the channel clear.

{He starts doing his detective thing in the room, inspecting the drawers of the desk, the trashcan underneath, etc. Willow tries to stay out of the way.}

WILLOW: I wish his computer wasn’t gone.

BATMAN: You said it was in the crime scene report. The police took it as evidence.

WILLOW: I know, I’m just wishing. Worked one time.

{She steps over to the closet door and looks inside. A guitar, assorted odds’n’ends, shirts and pants hanging up, a set of plastic drawers filled with shorts, sweats, socks, underwear.}

{She pulls a shirt down from its spot. Black. With the words, “Welcome to Strong Badia. Population: Tire,” and a picture of a tire with a snake through it, tail grasping a knife, all against a white, picket fence.}

WILLOW: He has another one.

{She closes the door, and sees Batman standing up from a crouch by the bed.}

BATMAN: Why?

WILLOW: Trust me. I keep my geekdar almost as honed as my lesbidar, and if he doesn’t, then I’ll be a French monkey’s aunt. With cute, little monkey glasses. Anything under there?

BATMAN: It’s the bedroom of a fifteen-year-old.

{It takes her a second, but she gets it. She automatically makes an “eew face,” but then cocks her head in curiosity.}

BATMAN: This hypothetical, second computer *wasn’t* in the report.

WILLOW: Nosiree-bat. {she giggles, he doesn’t} Quiet?

BATMAN: Let’s say your instincts are right. If the police don’t have it, the Joker didn’t want it found. And let’s say he didn’t take it with him.

WILLOW: Why wouldn’t he have?

BATMAN: Because it’s part of his game. Which means it’s still here somewhere. {he thinks} There was air...

WILLOW: Huh?

BATMAN {moving the bed}: A vent. I felt the heat.

{Sure enough, there’s a vent in the wall, at floor level. A child might be able to fit, or a svelte adult. A laptop could definitely hide there. It isn’t screwed in. He pulls it off and reaches cautiously inside.}

{His hands find both sides and slide it out, but it’s harder than it should be. He can feel something weighting it down. He hears the odd, off-key tune, just before he gets the laptop all the way out. Along with a “Joke-In-the-Box” whose handle started to turn at the first, slightest jostle.}

BATMAN: Willow, run! *Now*!

{...Doot-doot-dee-doot-dee-doot-deet-doooo-doot, goodbye...}

-----

Chapter 4

{Scene: THEMYSCIRA, TWO MONTHS AGO. Wonder Woman and Buffy are there, along the incoming and receding ocean water. Wonder Woman’s calm, Buffy’s not, pacing the shore.}

BUFFY: Do I have to bow?

WONDER WOMAN: Only during formal ceremony.

BUFFY: Maybe we should have one. I never met a queen before; I might never again. Wanna be respectful. Overly if I hafta.

WONDER WOMAN: You’re selfless, brave, and just. Mother’s midday ride should take her this way soon, and meeting you, she’ll come to know those things. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

{Buffy’s completely missing that complimentary reassurance.}

BUFFY: And that’s another thing. You get to call her “mom.” What about me? “Highness?” “Majesty?” What if I mess up? She isn’t one of those “off with her head” queens, is she?

WONDER WOMAN: The Queen of the Amazons does not order beheadings. {beat} Except once. Though I’ve hardly ever seen her that angry since.

{There’s a mischievous look in her eye. Buffy stops pacing and sees it.}

BUFFY {not a happy face}: Diana! {beat} I liked you better when we were fake-dating, and you were fake-liking me.

WONDER WOMAN {puzzled}: I was never faking.

BUFFY {also puzzled now}: Never faking what?

{They’re interrupted by HIPPOLYTA riding up on white horseback, looking quite regal in her long toga and golden crown. She brings the horse to a stop, and Wonder Woman starts over.}

HIPPOLYTA {pleasantly surprised}: Diana?

{She dismounts, and mother and daughter hug. Buffy hangs back, watching.}

WONDER WOMAN: Hello, Mother.

HIPPOLYTA: Welcome home. It’s been too long. Have you eaten? {she looks past her daughter} Who is your guest?

{They walk back near the slayer together.}

WONDER WOMAN: Forgive me. This is Buffy Summers. She...

{She’s distracted by Buffy’s face. The first thought going through her mind is that the petite woman is mute due to the earlier panic. Then she notices the pooling tears, and how much Buffy’s fighting not to break. Little by little however, cracks appear. It hurts her to watch.}

WONDER WOMAN {cursing herself}: *Hades*.

HIPPOLYTA {quietly}: Is she all right?

WONDER WOMAN: Her mother...passed into Elysium several years ago. I didn’t consider...

{Hippolyta gently touches her daughter’s arm, then steps closer to Buffy, who’s barely holding it together.}

HIPPOLYTA: Come here, child.

{Buffy takes heavy steps toward the Amazon Queen, and when she’s taken into her strong arms, she loses it and sobs into the cloth. She hugs Hippolyta’s waist as the woman lowers them both to the sand, and just gets it all out. There’s nothing like a mother’s embrace, and she doesn’t want it to end.}

{But when she has no tears left to shed, the embarrassment she feels causes her to try to pull away. She meets the resistance of Hippolyta, who, after a moment, takes her arms away.}

BUFFY {apologetic, wiping at her tears}: I feel so stupid. That wasn’t part of the plan. I had a *great* first impression ninety percent memorized, and all I did was soak your toga.

HIPPOLYTA: Hush. It will dry.

BUFFY: Shouldn’t have to. I don’t...do that. Not for a while, anyway. I...

HIPPOLYTA: You loved her very much--I fail to see the shame in that. And time will be made for proper introductions during our meal, as both you and my daughter seem a little thin. {smiles, and a beat} Help an old woman to her feet?

BUFFY: Oh, uh, of-of course. Your Highness.

{She scrambles to stand and offers Hippolyta her hands. The queen stands as well.}

HIPPOLYTA {brushing herself off}: Thank you, child.

BUFFY {smiles}: That oughta be my line. Um, everything except the “child” part.

{Wonder Woman’s joined them.}

HIPPOLYTA: Shall we go?

{The three walk to her horse, which she mounts and then looks down at Buffy.}

HIPPOLYTA: May I ask your mother’s name?

BUFFY: It was “Joyce.”

HIPPOLYTA: Was she of Amazonian blood? That hold was quite strong for someone of your stature.

BUFFY {wants to look over and see if Diana’s grinning, but doesn’t}: Nope, she was of the traditional kind. But she was the strongest person I’ve ever known.

HIPPOLYTA: I’m sure she would be honored to hear you saying so. {she lightly kicks the horse and starts it trotting} Yet that leaves me curious. Sounds as though we won’t run short on conversation. {she turns the horse and heads in direction of the city} Food will be waiting.

WONDER WOMAN {still feeling bad}: Buffy, I--

BUFFY: Thanks. For bringing me with.

-----

{Scene: HOSPITAL, UPPER MANHATTAN, PRESENT. Buffy comes out of her brief slumber in the small, lounge area thanks to Diana’s gentle nudging.}

DIANA {softly}: Buffy. Buffy...

BUFFY: I’m wakened, I’m wakened.

{She grins sleepily. Diana good-naturedly smirks back.}

DIANA: You aren’t the only one.

BUFFY: S’been an hour?

DIANA: Half. The boy’s mother went to get a cup of coffee from the cafeteria. Then she’ll speak with us. We should thank that nurse again.

{Buffy sits up quickly and tries to comb her hair with her hands.}

BUFFY: Do I have “lap hair”?

DIANA {smiles}: I’m not bothered.

{Buffy’s eyes bug. This only makes her “comb” more frantically. But she stops when Diana’s thumb rubs at her cheek.}

DIANA: Was the dream upsetting? {she sees Buffy’s confusion} You were crying in your sleep. {sees the eyes bug again} Silently.

BUFFY: I was? {she waits for her girlfriend’s answering nod} Nah. Not upsetting.

DIANA: I don’t understand. What made you...?

BUFFY: Good one was starting.

-----

{Scene: STREET OUTSIDE ANDREW BERGMAN’S APARTMENT BUILDING, FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO. Boooooooooom! Slayers and random, passersby on the sidewalk below hear the sound of explosion, and then some fifteen seconds later, see one, as a big hole is made in the side of the building. They scatter from the falling chunks of wall.}

{Through the thick smoke that’s escaping, a bat-shaped grapple emerges, hooking itself around a streetlight. Batman swings down to the ground, Willow under his arm. The slayers begin to crowd as he retracts the grapple and lays her down. His cape is frayed, his suit both burned and torn.}

{Willow is unconscious. He removes his cape and smothers the flames eating at her dress. Her face is blackened.}

BATMAN: She needs a hospital. Get her to one. Fast.

{The squad’s leader, VIOLET, is the only one of them brave enough to speak to him.}

VIOLET: What’re you gonna do?

BATMAN: Go back inside.

{She sees the other people noticing who he is.}

VIOLET: Uh, you sure that’s a good--?

BATMAN {intensely}: There are people on those floors.

{And then he’s gone.}

----

{Scene: COMMAND CENTRAL, SCOTLAND. Xander has heard every word. He’s standing by the mystics.}

XANDER: Why aren’t I beamed already? Work the mojo. Now. {calling behind} Renee, you’ve got the Bridge.

----

{Scene: BACK ON THE STREET. Xander “zaps” in, startling everyone present. After bending over and losing the contents of his stomach, he pushes past the girls and kneels over his best friend.}

XANDER: Will! Willow! Can you hear me? Ya gotta wake up, Will.

{He feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s Batgirl’s. She and Supergirl heard every word, too.}

BATGIRL: Xander...let Kara take her.

XANDER: Wha...?

{As he turns his head, Supergirl’s already walking past him and scooping Willow into her arms.}

VIOLET: Take her to Mercy Hill. It’s on 77th. We know a doctor there.

SUPERGIRL: Got it.

{Then WHOOSH, she’s nothing more than a streak in the sky. Xander doesn’t see it. He stands up, a faraway look in his eye. What snaps him back is feeling Barbara’s hand gripping his.}

BATGIRL: She’ll be okay.

VIOLET {to another slayer}: Mickie, drive Xander. And say hi to your mom for us.

BATGIRL {to Xander}: Go. We’ll help Batman.

{He squeezes her hand, then points to his eye.}

XANDER: Next half-gander, don’t...be dead, okay?

BATGIRL: Hey, this is what I do for a living. {impulsively kisses his cheek} Dork.

{Everybody goes about their tasks. The civilians that have been witness to all this are a bit shell-shocked.}

HUSBAND: @%$! me.

WIFE: Daddy didn’t say that, sweetheart. Daddy also better remember who he has to go home with.

-----

{Scene: HOSPITAL, UPPER MANHATTAN, NOW. Buffy and Diana are in the doorway of Andrew’s room with his MOTHER, headed out. They’ve gotten what information they can. It hurt him to talk, so they didn’t push their luck.}

BUFFY: Here’s my cell number. {goes into her jacket pocket and scribbles on the scrap of paper the hospital directions are on} Call me, let me know how he is? Can’t say “thank you” and “sorry” enough. My “thank yous” are sorry.

ANDREW’S MOTHER: You’re going after that freak, aren’t you?

BUFFY {hesitating}: Yeah.

{Andrew’s mother looks at Diana.}

ANDREW’S MOTHER: And you’re really--

{Diana and Buffy exchange glances.}

DIANA: Yes.

ANDREW’S MOTHER: {beat} He could’ve killed my baby. {looks back at her son in bed} Make *him* sorry.

DIANA: We intend to, Miss Bergman.

BUFFY {nods}: Count on it.

{When they’re clear of the door, the woman closes it, and they see Supergirl marching up to them.}

SUPERGIRL: Where have you guys been? Do you know how many walls I wish I hadn’t just looked through? {she looks at the door they just came from and winces} That was that kid’s mom, wasn’t it? Man, is she gonna be piss--

BUFFY {whispering}: Kara, ssshh!

{Both she and Diana pull her over to the elevators. Same moment, over at the station...}

NURSE: This is the last nightshift. They wanna fire me, they can fire me.

SUPERGIRL: Why didn’t you keep your {points to her ear} things on?

BUFFY: Same “why” my cell’s not on.

{The girl, however super, doesn’t get it.}

BUFFY: Hospital?

SUPERGIRL {feels dumb}: Knew that.

BUFFY {tries to block her}: You’re costumed. People’ll see.

SUPERGIRL: Too late.

DIANA: What’s happened?

SUPERGIRL: Willow’s...

{Buffy’s running for the stairwell and turning her “thing” on before she finishes.}

SUPERGIRL: ...down in the ER.

-----

{Scene: WILLOW’S HOSPITAL ROOM. It’s past visiting. There’re no Manhattan slayers, no Justice Leaguers, no Barbara/Batgirl...but the staff wasn’t about to tell Buffy and Xander what to do. They’ve sat at their friend’s bedside for several hours.}

BUFFY: So Violet’s got a contact here? Handy.

XANDER: Mickie’s mom’s a doctor, yeah. Seems cool about everything. They don’t have the medical setup we do, so...

BUFFY: I can’t get away from moms today. Wakened or sleepened.

{They lapse into another, increasingly common silence, staring at the unmoving Willow. Every time they do, his foot starts nervously tapping the floor.}

XANDER: What if she’s got brain damage?

BUFFY: She had a lobotomy and bounced back. She’ll make it.

XANDER: When she was awake. To do that voodoo that she...like the song says.

BUFFY {snaps at him}: She’ll make it, Xander.

{She pushes the chair back, stands up, walks away from him and takes a deep breath.}

BUFFY: Sorry. I just...hate hospitals. And I really hate having déjà vu in one.

{They’re both thinking about junior year of high school. And seeing Willow in a similar state.}

XANDER: No, you’re right, Buf. Some thoughts shouldn’t get thunk. I’m just used to “Mega Wicca Action Willow.” Who can handle anything. Been a while, y’know?

{Buffy walks up to the bed, and puts her hand on Willow’s.}

BUFFY: Yeah. It has.

{After a moment, she smiles, but doesn’t look up from Willow.}

BUFFY: What’s the deal with you and Barbara? Are you finally? Don’t tell me I was imagining all the touching.

WILLOW’S MIND: I don’t do voodoo! And, where touching?

{She’s communicating telepathically. Her eyes are still closed.}

XANDER AND BUFFY: *Will*!

{He goes to stand next to Buffy.}

WILLOW’S MIND: You better shoosh. It’s a hospital and all. Use your “inside my head” voice.

XANDER’S AND BUFFY’S MINDS: Whoops. Are you--?

BUFFY’s MIND: Enough stereo.

XANDER’S MIND: Superladies first.

BUFFY’S MIND: Are you okay? Why aren’t your eyes open?

WILLOW’S MIND: Gimmie a minute.

{While she heals herself, she begins humming the tune from the Joke-in-the-Box. Then, in almost exactly a minute, the cuts that were on her face vanish, and her eyes open. First she smiles, but after a beat, looks worried.}

WILLOW: My head’s not big, is it?

XANDER {smiling and reaching for the bed remote}: We talking physically big, or...?

WILLOW {makes a face at him}: Ha.

{With the remote, Xander brings her to a sitting position, allowing him and Buffy to crush her in a group hug.}

XANDER: Don’t go scarin’ us like that again.

WILLOW: Um, I’m probably gonna have to. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure we fight evil more always than most, uh, non-league people.

BUFFY: Fine. But no more shielding while a bomb explodes.

WILLOW: Bruce! Is he...?

XANDER: Barbara said he was all right. Bat-Suit? Not so much.

WILLOW {relieved sigh}: Good. {beat} Hey, let’s leave.

XANDER: Not happening. Somebody’s stuck here ‘til morning.

WILLOW {frowns}: Poop. {she realizes the slayer’s been crying} Don’t cry, Buffy. I have all my pieces. And they’re together, see? I didn’t Humpty-Dumpty.

BUFFY {sniffing}: Can’t get away from this today, either.

{Xander moves toward the door, wanting them to have privacy.}

XANDER: Think I’ll, uh, check out just how well-locked the gift shop is. If I’m not back in ten minutes...

BUFFY: I’ll come save you.

XANDER: *Before* the night sticks come out, right?

{He waits for an answer that doesn’t come, and then slowly opens the door. But something stops him.}

XANDER {forehead creasing in thought}: Hey Will, what was that humming about?

WILLOW: {shrugs} Heard it before the kaboom.

XANDER: Feel like I oughta know it. {beat} Gah. Damn. Thanks a lot.

{When he leaves, Willow and Buffy have a “silence lapse” of their own. Then--}

WILLOW: Did Andy tell you anything?

BUFFY: Just that the Joker was real-estate shopping.

WILLOW: Guess he would.

BUFFY: Didn’t see where, though. {beat, and an idea} You think tomorrow you could do your “insta-heal” spell on him?

WILLOW {nods}: Already was gonna. But it’s not *insta*...

BUFFY: I want us to be good, Will. You coulda died, and we wouldn’t’ve been. I know I made some calls you aren’t a fan of, but I had to, I can’t take it back, and I really, really miss you, so can we please be good?

{Willow’s crying now, which gets Buffy going again, and they hug, and soon they’re laughing. Buffy climbs on the bed next to her, Willow scooches over.}

WILLOW: I out “really, really” ‘d you.

BUFFY: Did not.

WILLOW: Did too.

BUFFY {smiles}: Is this “good”? We’re good?

WILLOW {grins}: After more story.

BUFFY {narrows eyes}: Willow!

WILLOW {giggles}: Nope, we are. But, please?

BUFFY {grumpily}: Only ‘cause you were blown up.

-----

{Scene: THEMYSCIRA, TWO MONTHS AGO. It’s night. Diana and Buffy have both dressed down into simple, white togas that stop at their knees. They’re barefoot on a grassy hill behind the guest quarters that Hippolyta has allowed Buffy to use during her stay.}

{There’s a fire going, that glows off their faces as they move around each other, lightly sparring.}

DIANA: Antiope was impressed by your skill with a bow. She doesn’t impress easily.

{She throws a punch, which Buffy blocks.}

BUFFY: Yep, that’s why the nine years of vampire slayage--to impress her. {rolls eyes} How come I’m picking up...

{She throws her hips back so Diana’s next punch misses her stomach, and before Diana can retract, Buffy grabs her wrist. She moves behind her quickly, bringing the arm with, and pinning it behind the Amazon’s back.}

BUFFY: ...that they don’t...

{She pushes Diana forward while releasing her arm, and just as her foot comes up and kicks, Diana drops into a forward roll, dodging.}

BUFFY: ...like my job much?

{Diana’s back to her feet almost immediately, moving her hair out of her face.}

BUFFY: Damn it.

DIANA: Because having... {huff} gotten to enjoy your company, they believe... {huff} combating demons who hide in the dead is beneath you. Not to mention a waste of an evening. They wish better for you than what the Fates have decreed. But then, they think the same about me, and will never understand why I’ve chosen to live among...outsiders.

BUFFY: You so wanted to say “men.” Speaking of...

DIANA: I’m over it.

{Buffy doesn’t buy that.}

DIANA: I am. I took the rejection personally, when the truth is, Bruce refuses to let anyone close. Even in friendship. It doesn’t matter how many battles we’ve fought at each other’s side. He's always distant.

{She gets lost in her thoughts a moment.}

DIANA: He’ll never admit this, but I think he worries that losing someone he cares about, again, would destroy him if the time ever came. So he’d rather try his hardest to care as little as possible. {sighs sadly} Hera help him.

BUFFY: Can’t he just be a jackass?

{She gets lost in her thoughts now, because Diana could’ve been describing her. The thought that she could turn into Batman, at least emotionally, scares her enough to have it show on her face. That’s the last thing she wants.}

{When she comes back, Diana’s right in front of her, the sparring forgotten.}

DIANA: Where were you just now?

BUFFY: Nowhere fun. {beat} What about you? Think slaying’s beneath me?

DIANA {shakes her head}: Do I think it’s unfair that a group of arrogant, old men burdened you so young? Yes. I also think you need, and deserve, more in your life--actually, “more” is something we both need--but you protect your world. As well as help hundreds like you realize their strength. Be proud, Buffy.

BUFFY {not so sure}: How didn’t I burden the same way the Watchers did?

DIANA: There’s a difference between giving power, and wanting to control those that have it. Not every female touched by your friend’s spell is a slayer. You allowed them the freedom to decide, and the ones who’ve accepted, aren’t alone. You said all this that first day in the Watchtower.

BUFFY: Dunno if I believe it. The girls that didn’t sign up, the power’s still gonna nag, Diana. They won’t be able to have normal lives. If they sixth-sense a vampire, they won’t be able to pretend he isn’t there...I know. Which means they’ll fight, and they won’t be trained, and they’ll die. Or some could be...not good.

DIANA: Of course there are risks. But any who’d harm others, would have found a way even without that magick. {beat} What if some become police officers? Firefighters? Rescue workers? What if they build homes, or teach self-defense? They can still use what they’ve been given positively.

{Buffy smiles almost bashfully, and ducks her head. After a second, looks back up.}

BUFFY: Are you impressed too?

DIANA: Almost.

{This throws the slayer.}

DIANA {soon-to-be patented, “innocent but not really” voice}: Perhaps if you started trying...

{Buffy doesn’t even react. With speed that would make Flash take notice, she drops low to the ground, and sweeping her leg, sends Diana onto her back. Diana is not stunned, though. The princess reaches for Buffy’s ankle and pulls, bringing Buffy collapsing on top of her.}

{They lay there, Buffy above, Diana below, face-to-face.}

BUFFY: *Never* faking?

DIANA: Well, the first few days. Were you?

BUFFY: Thought I was. Being your fake-girlfriend...I was happy. Happier than most times I was being a real girlfriend. Forgot what it felt li--

{She’s cut off by Diana pulling her head down so their mouths meet. Vigorously. By the time they’re done, they’ve rolled over on the grass, reversing positions. Their cheeks are hotter than the fire.}

BUFFY: People are gonna say you’re way too tall and good-looking for me.

DIANA: Let them.

BUFFY: Willow’s gonna *wig*.

DIANA: Knowing Wally, he’ll say something inappropriate.

BUFFY: We don’t tell him and Xander together.

DIANA: Agreed.

BUFFY: Are we really doing this?

DIANA: We obviously find one another attractive. We share common interests, talk often...and I feel strangely peaceful when you’re around. Why shouldn’t we?

BUFFY: With you on the peaceful. And we’ve got kissing down. That’s the biggest compatibility test.

DIANA {grins}: I’d like to be sure.

BUFFY: I was “guys only.” I lived with two lesbians for months, heard ‘em for months, and still didn’t get curious. I was ‘n arrow, bow-ready. {grins back} But god, you’re like the best woman to go gay for.

{Then she eagerly obliges her fellow superheroine and new, for real, girlfriend.}

-----

{Scene: WILLOW’S HOSPITAL ROOM, PRESENT. It’s the middle of the night, she can’t sleep. Buffy’s been gone, story’s been over, and Xander’s been in a cot. He has no problem with sleeping.}

BATMAN: I told you to run.

{Once again he steps out of the shadows on her, looking no better than he had earlier.}

WILLOW {resolve face}: You’re welcome.

{It’s hard to tell, but she thinks she sees something resembling a near-smile, cracking *his* “resolve face.” Or, “resolve jaw.”}

WILLOW: We figured out where the Joker is. Uh, sort of. Generally.

BATMAN: Tomorrow. Get some rest.

WILLOW: Only if you promise to too. I could heal you, y’know.

BATMAN: I heal fine on my own.

{Then he melts back into the darkness, leaving her and the snoring Xander be.}

WILLOW: But why would you want to? And can’t you ever stop doing that?

-----

Story: See Ya In (and out) of the Funny Pages (all chapters)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4