Story: Reasons (chapter 16)

Authors: VixenRaign

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Chapter 16

Title: Facts are For the Reference Section

“Satsu was…” Buffy started delicately, choosing her words carefully, “about your age when we met.” She chuckled, looking fixedly down at her hands. “I was twenty two, having almost-independence was new, and it took me a while to remember who I was supposed to be. I was way more alone than I planned on.” This all came out a little too methodical for Veronica to pull too much from it except the twinge of disappointment she picked up at the end. “Me, my friends...we had control over our lives for once. Again - very new experience. My friends loved it, grabbed with both hands and ran. Continents away from me.” Buffy sighed at this but kept going.

“I'm not kidding. We were separated by hemispheres at one point. Then the next thing I know I’m in Japan standing over an ash pile that I didn't cause. And that’s how I met Satsu.” The older woman’s smile was a bit proud at this.

“Was that how you found out? About…?” Veronica trailed off pointedly. Buffy shook her head, her smile amused.

“A world of no,” Buffy mumbled. “I was fifteen when I found out.”

“How?” Veronica asked quickly.

Buffy tilted her head from side to side, thinking. “Sorta like you did, I guess. Someone told me – but I would never have believed it if they hadn’t shown me.”

“But when did you start, you know… tracking them?” Veronica asked, the word ‘tracking’ sounded weird to both their ears, for different reasons.

“About two weeks after I first had the crap scared out of me. The person who showed me? Well he also… taught me how. Before he died.” Buffy said, as though to this day all she could remember from that time in her life was the loss of whoever this man was.

This sent a cold chill down Veronica’s nerves. She’d felt seriously in danger when that Thing had found her on campus, and then again when she had been cornered in the alley – but both times Buffy had rushed in and saved her so quickly she’d never really had that moment of oh-my-god-this-is-life-threatening peril register. And when it did hit her, it was quickly followed by a lot of comprehension, all at once; Buffy had known about this for more than ten years, and had obviously lost some things dear to her to make it a part of her life. While in any other context it might have seemed cliché to Veronica, this knowledge had aged Buffy more than the ten years she’d lived since learning it.

“What?” Buffy asked when the younger woman had been quiet for too long.

“He meant a lot to you? Satsu?” She asked slowly. The corner of Buffy’s mouth twitched upwards briefly. “Was he…?” Veronica trailed off.

“Present tense, please. Satus is alive and well. We’re just… we’re, uhm, taking a break from one another right now.”

“Because of the age thing?” Veronica ventured. When Buffy’s eyes snapped to her a little too quickly, Veronica gave a confident shrug. “Intuitive leap – you were bugging out about it with me, so -”

“Oh, age was only the half of it, Mars.” Buffy chuckled, her gaze on Veronica distant but somewhat guilty. “Maybe even less. Like 28.3-percent.”

“And the rest?”

“Complicated other stuff. Namely? Feelings that, while appreciated, were not really reciprocated.”

“Which direction?” Veronica asked quickly.

Buffy smirked, “Which feelings?”

Veronica glowered but withheld a grumble that wanted to escape her throat.

“You were the one that said you just wanted more honesty between us, Veronica.” Buffy’s grin got wider, “Is this when you admit to feelings of jealousy?” she accused playfully. Veronica could feel her face heat up a bit but kept her cool.

“That depends.”

“On?” Buffy countered, her smile fading only slightly.

“What you’re willing to be honest about.”

Buffy’s eyebrows met, a mix of hesitation and confusion. “I haven’t lied to you. About anything.” She admitted slowly. Veronica took a confident step towards Buffy in her chair, placing a hand on it’s back.

“Do you honestly think your lack of details have escaped me?” Veronica’s tone implied that this was some pitiful, laughable insult to assume that it had. “So how about you share some real honesty – put an actual card on the table, and I might consider a trade. One. I dare you.” Her smile was somewhat predatory.

“Veronica,” Buffy stated, holding out a hand. The younger woman took it – and before she knew it she was pulled into the older blonde’s lap, a serious stare pointed her way from worried eyes not inches from her own. “One step at a time.” Veronica noticed her breath shallow out about half a second after she’d felt Buffy’s own against her face.

“So take one.” Veronica hated how light her breathing sounded just then.

Buffy smirked and her hand went to the younger girls neck again, an intimate gesture that was quickly developing between them. Those troublesome fingertips against the last vestiges of her bite made Veronica want to bite her lip and she hated it. And suddenly Buffy’s other hand was at her hip and she was drawing Veronica’s body closer to her, raising her chin like to kiss her and Veronica’s eye slipped closed and she sighed.

And she kept waiting.

No kiss came.

When she opened her eyes again, frustrated and disappointed, the smug look on Buffy’s face made those feelings grow ten-fold.

“My ability to play you like a fiddle has nothing to do with either age or experience, Mars.” Buffy stated smugly, though Veronica could detect a hint of humor under all that hubris.

So Veronica shifted her weight in a way that made Buffy clench her jaw and her eyes almost drift closed. There might have even been a whimper in there somewhere.

“I’m sorry… what was that about a fiddle?”

Buffy blushed but only a bit. “There are worse things than being fiddle-like.” She let out a little shakily.

“There are worse things than being played.” Veronica grinned, leaning in. If Buffy wasn’t going to strike up this inevitable tune, then she was.

Buffy stopped her with both hands but let her stay close.

“No.” Buffy’s voice was firm again. Veronica groaned.

“I didn’t mean play –”

Buffy cut her off, “Veronica, we’re not dating. You don’t want to, I don’t want to, neither of us want the life-style rearranging.”

“So first base is out?” the younger woman tried to summarize. Her tone was an angry one. Buffy smiled sadly.

“Veronica, if I kiss you now? If I let myself think it’s okay? Then I’m gonna think it’s okay to kiss you any time we’re alone. And then there’ll be new reasons for never being around people. So the kissing can be pretty much always.” Her smile became a little less sad and a little more playful at this, her fingers traced over Veronica’s collarbone, “I’ll admit that … if you admit – You and me? Alone? On purpose so I can kiss you?... Sounds a heck of a lot like dating.”

“I’d never admit to anything that could be used against me… it’s a quirk.”

“So I guess this is solitaire I’m playing?” Buffy accused lightly.

“Don’t you mean a playing a solo?”

Buffy shook her head. “There are too many metaphors in this soup now.”

Veronica’s eye widened, “Way to drag in another one. God!” she sighed exasperated.

Buffy chuckled. “Thank god we’re not dating.”

“Why?” Veronica asked, preparing to be offended.

“Because,” Buffy smirked, “Dates can be so awkward – especially with people you really like. You and I thrive on coolness in otherwise heated situations…” Her smile became a little less confident here. “And because we’re not dating, if I ask you over to my apartment to watch some movies, then…” she sighed, her gaze falling on Veronica’s lips before glancing away. “Then there’s nothing to be nervous about. We’re just friends. And everything’s cool, even if you say no and especially if you don’t – say no, that is.”

Veronica’s ears turned pink. She held in a smile but it took an almost inhuman amount of effort.

“Movies? You place, and no first base?” Veronica clarified. Buffy nodded, looking at her again

“Heard about this Thai fighter called Tony Jaa, supposed to be the new black of action stars.” Buffy smiled again, “Does all his own stunts, more intricate than Jet Li and all done without wires. His gimmick is ‘No Strings Attached’ or something.” Veronica’s grin broke through at this with a vengeance.

“You know, your love of the action movies plays into a whole new context these days.” Veronica murmured, her arm going around Buffy’s shoulder so she was now sitting across her lap. She enjoyed how Buffy’s arms moved to cradle her wordlessly.

“When?” Veronica asked.

“Tonight, if you’re free,” Buffy offered, her smile subtle but genuine. Veronica clucked her tongue disapprovingly.

“I have to study for my PI Exam.”

“How about after you take it on Saturday, post celebratory gloat for trouncing your dad’s score?”

Thank god we’re not dating, Veronica found herself thinking before she could stop herself, This one is too good – and losing her might really ruin me.

A shot of cold ran over Veronica’s skin at realizing she’d just had that thought – and realizing that even having that thought meant it could already be too late. She hadn’t noticed her back had stiffened so suddenly or she’d been quiet for so long until Buffy’s hands were at either of her cheeks, pulling her attention back. The older woman looked a little concerned.

“What? Did I just jinx you?” Buffy asked, sounding genuinely worried.

Veronica shook her head and took a steadying breath, “No, but I might have.” She muttered. She got up off of Buffy’s lap and ran a hand over her hair. Buffy got out of her chair, looking even more apprehensive.

“Veronica?” she asked, hesitant. You really couldn’t blame Buffy for her confusion – all that she was, she still wasn’t a mind reader.

“I really should get back to studying.” Veronica blurted, finally turning to see the older girl’s expression. “And yeah. Saturday. I’ll call this time, I promise.” She chuckled a little uncomfortably, remembering their original topic from seemingly ages ago.

“Good luck.” Buffy offered, walking towards the door and leaving Veronica to whatever had just occurred to her. The younger woman waited until she heard the main doors of the library close again before letting herself leave the conference room.

Packing up her stuff, Veronica forced herself to slow her breathing. She could not jinx this with a mere thought if there was nothing to jinx. Someone couldn’t leave you if you were never really with them – wasn’t that the unspoken agreement between her and Buffy?

Yes. Yes it was. There was nothing between them – nothing serious, at least. An attraction maybe but nothing more. It was “casual”; they were casual. There was nothing, she told herself. Veronica tried to feel comforted by that, and she even came close to convincing herself. But not quite close enough.

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