Buffy’d been right – there were no stitches; four of those little pinching strips and a layer of gauze later, the doctor was asking where the blood-test results should be sent. Veronica was shocked when the older girl gave him a real address. Buffy’s address to be exact. The two women hadn’t spoken since being led into the examination room, and that didn’t change when Doctor Sheehan left to get her antibiotics.
Maybe it was the late hour or taking pills on an empty stomach – or possibly the codeine in the Tylenol 3 she’d been given – but during the car ride home Veronica started to feel a little loopy. Buffy must have noticed it too. She kept glancing over at Veronica with this almost sad and vaguely worried expression on her face. It wasn’t until she was sitting on Buffy’s couch in her strangely empty apartment that Veronica realized – Wait, what am I doing in Buffy’s apartment?
She could remember being in the car and staring out the window, but it never registered what direction they were heading in. She remembered the car pulling to a stop and Buffy getting out, then following suit… up the walk, through the front door, right onto the couch where Veronica curled up with her chin on her knees.
She’d been trying to still the world and her swimming thoughts so she closed her eyes. She felt the depression of the couch as Buffy sat down next to her only a moment later, hearing her breath being sighed out as she did. The feel of the older girl’s hand soothing over her hair felt so calming that it seemed to bring her back into reality.
This is not her home, this is not her place, Buffy is not the person in whom she should seek comfort… So how had getting to this place felt so easy, so natural in it’s progression?
“You’d still be exhausted at four in the morning –never mind the kind of night you’ve had.” Buffy said quietly, voice rough. She felt like Buffy was doing her a service, not whispering. She would have felt belittled. “I heard your dad’s out of town on a case, and you shouldn’t be alone. If you want I can drive you back to campus; crash with Mac and Parker, or Wallace – But considering what you’ve been through? Thought it might be good if your company could, you know, follow along.”
Veronica shook her head but made no move to get up. “I’ve been through worse.” She muttered, wishing Buffy would stop doing that thing she was doing with the backs of her fingers against the nape of her neck.
“Death had it’s hands on you tonight.” Buffy stated seriously, her fingers finally still. “You sought it out, stalked it. It had you and would have killed you and no one would have known where you were or what you were really doing.” Her tone was disappointed and a little angry but her volume remained gentle. “You were damn lucky I was there – but hear me on this,” she insisted suddenly. Veronica lifted her head from where it’d been resting and opened her eyes so she could look at her. “I will never have that much faith in you again” she vowed.
“What?” Veronica asked, confused, suddenly free of the spell the older girl’s serious words had lulled her into. Buffy sighed and turned towards the younger blonde on the couch, keeping a leg tucked under her.
“I was stalking you.” Buffy stated, as though it were the most obvious conclusion. “You’ve been avoiding me since the other night on campus, and your track record doesn’t exactly scream healthy-acceptance of the freakish, scary and dangerous.” Veronica just stared. “Look, you don’t want to see me? Fine. I can understand that! But I knew that, in your mind? That left only one way to find the answers to questions you couldn’t seem to let yourself to ask me.”
“So… you stalked me?” Veronica clarified, half mocking sarcasm half disbelief that she’d not noticed.
“Uh - - Yeah!” Buffy challenged right back, as if to say My logic is just as wonky as yours! “You were gonna find out, it’s what you do,” she began, conceding, “You take pride in it, and you are very good at it. And I knew I couldn’t talk you out of it –especially if you refused to talk to me!... So I figured, why step on your gumshoes?” both girls looked a bit sheepish here, though the other probably didn’t really know why. Buffy let her arm fall along the back of the couch as she once again connected gazes with Veronica.
“So I followed you, made sure you were safe -”“Uh – Hello!” Veronica shouted, pointing at her bandaged neck. Buffy actually rolled her eyes.
“I was trying to give you a chance! I mean, you are a bit of a control freak -”
“Excuse me?”“Well? You are! You hate not being in charge, the fastest, the most well-informed -”
“Hey! I-”“You’re a smart girl Veronica! How was I supposed to know that all you brought with you was a taser?” Now Veronica really did look sheepish. But the smile on Buffy’s face grew slowly as she raised her hand, brushing her fingers back and forth against the back of the young P.I.’s neck. For a long moment Veronica indulged in this simple, easy intimacy before it struck her - - that’s what this was. Reactively, she shrugged away from the pre-offered comfort.
Buffy froze, her fingers stilled.
“Stop it.” Veronica said quietly. For a moment that stretched languidly like a cat between them Buffy remained still with her eyes lingering, focused on Veronica. The atmosphere had taken a turn for something unknown and the older woman was trying to gage where this horizon could possibly lead.
“I’m sorry.” She began. Veronica felt suddenly fidgety and hugged her legs tighter to her chest to resist the urge to give away her unexpected nervousness. “I wasn’t letting you get hurt to make a point, I really thought you had a better handle on the situation than you actually did -” she stopped abruptly, and Veronica worried that maybe this time Buffy would stop seeing just the surface in their moments like this. The older girl was too good at seeing what was real with her to not know the root of all this tension. “Sometimes I forget what your limits are.”
Buffy had said things like this to her before, and though she knew they were a kind of compliment on her ability, strength and intelligence they were always in situations where she’d somehow fallen short in Buffy’s eyes… and nostalgia. She was definitely picking up on some kind of nostalgia in there as well. Either way, it never really made Veronica feel better.
“I’m only human.” Veronica muttered, staring fixedly at her knees. That was as close as she wanted to get to admitting any more vulnerability tonight – and if Buffy couldn’t see it as that well, then… maybe she was glad Buffy couldn’t see what was really making her uncomfortable after all.
Hearing Buffy chuckle at this brought such a sudden wave of ease Veronica audibly sighed.
“Well thank god for that… You should count your blessings, Mars.” Veronica glanced at her out of the corner of her eye and saw that Buffy had this wide, genuine smile. She smiled back. As she did so, she felt those fingers on her neck return and that happy feeling melted right out of her again. She shrugged away.
“Please stop.” She said more quietly, and yet was somehow more effective this time. Buffy drew both her arms back into herself, crossing them a little awkwardly over her chest and stood up. She paced for a moment before stopping in front of Veronica.
“Willow and Faith decided to take a trip up to San Francisco and had no idea how long of a drive it actually was, so they’re not gonna be home tonight. I’ll get stuff to make up the couch for you – you can watch TV if you can’t sleep, and there’ll be no one to wake so -”
“Are-are you going to bed?” Veronica asked, finally releasing her legs and scooting to the edge of the couch. Buffy nodded, pointing vaguely over her shoulder with her thumb.
“Uh, yeah. I might take a shower first, get that ammonia-alcohol hospital smell out…” she trailed off, turning to look in the direction of the bathroom as it was pointedly away from Veronica herself. “You’re free to take one first, I know you love the fact that we
don’t run out of hot water here -”
For some reason this just made something in Veronica snap. She couldn’t take this anymore; the tense muscles, the averted eyes, and worst of all – the pretending to not understand exactly what the other was really saying because of some idea of politeness or courtesy. So she straightened her back, griped the couch cushions in her now tight fists and took the first step.
“I changed my mind.” She said solidly, calmly. So solidly, Buffy looked confused – as she had no idea how this statement related to their previous conversation. She, after all, had not been privy to the exchange in Veronica’s head.
“About what? You want me to drive you back to Hearst?” Buffy asked, trying to clarify. Her misunderstanding was genuine this time. Way to go Veronica – you take the first step, and stumble…
“No, I – About-” She resisted the urge to groan in frustration, “At Velvet, the night we met? I’d stalked you, and the entire time you hade me made. It threw me off my game, which granted was not at it’s best that night anyway - but what completely derailed me was you asking what I wanted. And I didn’t have to succumb to outing you or to blackmailing you, you just offered. You just seemed so intrigued by the lengths I went through, it was like you’d thought I’d already earned it.”
“I remember having to ask you a few times what you wanted.” Buffy said flatly, her tone non-committal.
“You asked me why I was there, and what I wanted from you,” Veronica said slowly, trying to fight that urge to just shut up and run – she’d made her choice. She was sick of this. She could suffer the pain of embarrassment and vulnerability by putting herself out there, especially if it stopped the continued tension… one way or another. “You wanted to know what would be worth the lengths I went to, just to get next to you. We agreed to collude,”
“Veronica,” Buffy cut in, raising a hand to try and top her.
“No – Buffy, I’m changing… this.” She forced out vaguely. She stood up, facing the older girl. “I want,” she began, taking a deep breath. “I want a partnership.”
“You don’t play well with others,”
“I do with you.”
“Mars,”
“Stop!” she shouted, “Buffy, please! If it’s not what we know this is, then what is going on?” she shouted. “You and I? Never a misunderstanding since we met – we know what’s between us. We keep finding ourselves here, but then we avoid it – and the more we do that? The faster the road back!”
Buffy ran a hand over her hair. Turning, she sat heavily on the arm of the couch, not saying anything. Veronica knew she was trying to come up with some kind of explanation that wasn’t the truth.
“Buffy I’m not asking for things to change completely – I just want to hear the words, to know I’m not crazy.”
“You’re nineteen years old.” Buffy blurted, her tone one of mild disbelief.
“Which means I’m legal,” she tried to insist.
“Legal? Just because it’s legal doesn’t make it right.” Buffy countered, raising her head. “Veronica, you don’t even know me. A week ago,” she scoffed “Hell – there were a lot of things you didn’t know about a week ago!”
“I want you.” She finally said. Buffy became so still Veronica wondered if she’d channeled Evie Ethel Garland for a moment. “I’m saying I want you, not that I love you or I want to marry you or even that I’m gay – I’m just saying that I want you and it makes being around you hard because there are times when,” she let out a shuddering sigh because Buffy was still frozen and hadn’t moved. “There are times when I want you, and I feel like you want me too… But we never do anything about it, and I don’t know why.”
“You’re nineteen years old!”“And you never were?” she shouted back – now she was really irritated! But at this Buffy seemed to break and she looked down, shaking her head.
“No, you’re right. I was your age once… and that’s why-” she cut herself off here. She cleared her throat and Veronica was shocked to realize – Buffy was actually upset. Her eyes unfocused like she was trying not to get emotional.
“When I was younger than you,” Buffy stated carefully, starting again, “I dated someone even older than I am now.” She glanced at Veronica and saw her grimace, “Whoa! No! Not, like, grave-robber old! Just – you know, older.” She corrected. “And at that time – I loved him so much. Like, world-ending illogical love that you’re only in when you’re 16 and stupid, you know?” Veronica nodded. Yeah, I guess you could say Veronica was pretty familiar with it. Buffy continued, taking her time.
“You don’t necessarily notice it at the time, but every kid’s life at that age is just fast-paced chaos. It’s not as obvious when you’re still in the thick of it but – someone older? There’s a lot of appeal… They’ve survived it, they’re familiar with it, and they have that helpful hindsight-advantage way of looking at your life and can help you through it. They have patients and knowledge and a multi-layered life that – for some reason? They want to make you a part of. You feel special, grown up, and thankful for that someone who helps bare what feels like a crushing weight… and you trust them, ‘cause they’ve carried the load before…”
Buffy stopped here and just stared hard at Veronica for a moment. Veronica felt like she was being evaluated… She wasn’t about to admit it, but once again – Buffy had read her almost too well. Again.
“I wouldn’t change it. I never would have gotten through the tough stuff without him, but – I won’t deny that he caused me a few problems I never would’ve had to worry about if I’d not been dating an older guy.”
“But this isn’t Rape in the Third-”“Veronica!” Buffy interrupted, holding up her hand and pinching her eyes shut. “You and I never got to be teens – we went straight from being kids to being adults and that can have drawbacks. Teen years are all about making mistakes and learning from them, and no one really holding it against you.” Buffy opened her eyes again, she looked nervous. “I’m not sixteen, I’m not nineteen, I will be held responsible – and you don’t know me well enough -”
“You’re the one who’s always insisting that you’re not that much older than I am,” Veronica pointed out.
“It wasn’t until he and I had been broken up for a couple years and I was in my twenties that I stopped and thought about all of it. I could think of about four-hundred and twelve reasons why he was exactly what I needed. But I don’t think I could come up with more than five for why he needed me so badly.” Buffy finished quietly.
And there it was – the heart of the matter. Buffy leaned up, placed her palms on her bent knees and gave the young woman the serious look this conversation deserved.
“Veronica, I am not gay. I never slept with Faith, I asked you to go with me to those gay bars because I enjoy your company, and I am not a child anymore… But, I am attracted to you.” Veronica sighed, and Buffy smiled sadly. “I really like you Veronica and I don’t know all the reasons why. Lately I have been feeling so old, surrounded by so many young people who don’t really know me or what I do.” Buffy held out a hand and Veronica took it. “You remind me too much of me –or, well, the me I wish I could have been… Let’s face it; you’re smarter and cooler and prettier than I ever was, no matter what age and I don’t think that’s going to change.”
“So what? You want me because you wanted to be me?” Veronica asked, half sarcastic. Buffy shook her head.
“I like who you are, all the many parts of you. And because we have so many similarities but just enough differences, we get along smoothly. And it doesn’t hurt that you’re kind of a stone-cold fox.” Buffy managed a playful grin here for the first time in –again – too long. “But you still don’t know me, Veronica.”
“I know enough!” Veronica insisted, leaning into Buffy, forcing their bodies together until they were just inches apart. The older woman still resisted, “You think I’m attractive, you think I’m smart, we get along amazingly well – and yet you say I don’t know you well enough?” She could feel Buffy’s breathing shallow out.
“I’m not saying let’s be exclusive, I’m not even saying we should date! I’m saying let me call you on it when you’re acting jealous, or when I act jealous around you… let me kiss you, without having to make excuses for the why…” Veronica trailed off and watched Buffy wet her lips and close her eyes, but when she tried to lean in the older woman pulled back just enough. So she leaned in faster, harder and further until she felt their mouths connect.
She shut her eyes and breathed, letting relief wash over her entire body as she felt “Finally!” shout through every cell in her body. All this was so distracting it took her a couple of seconds to realize that Buffy was not kissing her back.