More than the books, though, my new cellmate mocks me. She’s American Indian, big muscled butch, the kind of chick that lives in the weight room, which is pretty much what she does. Her name is Moira, she nice enough, and quiet too. She respects me and my belongings, doesn’t ask about the books that I keep planted on that shelf or about the bloody jumpsuit that I keep tucked under my mattress. It’s not Moira that bothers me though. It’s the fact that she’s in the cell taking up her space, replacing her in the eyes of the prison and state that mocks me. After she died, she was cremated, and her friend that was always sending her letters came to collect her belongings and ashes. She left a few of her favorite books behind at my request but took all the letters and notebooks. When that woman left, all that was left of her was the jumpsuit and those books, no more mention of her anywhere, except in my mind where I could always see her lank blonde hair swirling about in my peripheral vision, or her pen that she always hid in the sink moving about faintly as she scribble down the day’s events, at the end of the week she always compiled them into one summary and then at the end of the month she took those summaries and added them together.
Moira has only been in the cell for a month, but it’s pretty obvious that she isn’t easily intimidated, if I was still as active in our little alliance, I would have recruited her, doesn’t matter anyway, Namine already has. After she died, things lost their meaning, the world lost color and I lost hope. Namine a few weeks in the infirmary, she had a few broken ribs and shoulders mostly. After she was able to visit me she kept trying to fix me, make me feel like we hadn’t failed and now we were wounded but that we had to get healed and hit her back. I blew her off the first few times, and then she got more insistent, I told her to back off but she didn’t. Moira came into the cell, and now she chases Namine off whenever I seem to be bothered by her.
For whatever reason we never got put on lockdown and there was no investigation to find her killer. It didn’t matter though, because everyone knew who had done it. Everyone knew that the alliance had failed to protect the person it had been created around. Namine shrugged it off, said that stalling out now would mean victory for Blaze. She’d kept going, kept scheming up ways to get Blaze back. It didn’t matter to me anymore though; I have nothing left to car about because she was my last hope. This war that I started doesn’t matter to me anymore because my army was built on one person and it has crumbled in the absence of that person. Another reason this war no longer concerns me is because I’m getting reviewed for parole next month. If I pass, I’ll be out within three months. Then I’ll really have escaped the drama, I’ll never see Blaze again and then everything I do won’t remind me of her. It feels like a far off dream, but I’m so relieved that it’s within my grasp. All I have to do is keep my head down and I’ll be able to get out for good. I haven’t told anyone yet though, I don’t have reason to. It would just depress them because they’re not getting out just yet.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Namine studies me from across the table, her left arm draped over Amber’s thin shoulders while her right hand stabs absently at the pasta on her tray. To my left sits Moira, to my right is an empty chair. I glance at my left peripheral, noting the position of the orange, red and yellow blob and deciding that it has not moved. I check my right peripheral, clear of threats. I return to Namine who is now chatting with Cloe, her gaze wandering about as mine does, always returning to me or the chair next to me.
“Stop scanning, nothing is going to happen.” Moira orders both of us, looking up from the tray she is hugging close to her body.
“You don’t know that!” We snap back in unison, returning to our search.
“She hasn’t made a move since, well since Rizzy died.” Amber cuts in.
“That just means she has something big planned.” Namine sighs. I bite my tongue to cut back that need to reaffirm Namine’s point.
“Remember what happened last time she decided to lay low for this long?” I ask cursing my lousy self-control as everyone but Moira puckers their faces into looks of distaste.
“Well now it seems that she’s achieved her final goal. She killed the reason for the resistance and at the same time all but eliminated the leader.” Moira retorts. “Or am I mistaken? I may have come to the wrong conclusion from what I’ve heard.”
“You’re right, and you have a point.” Amber answers.
“That doesn’t mean we should let down our guard.” I overrule her. “She’s not one to leave something half finished.”
“The resistance isn’t finished yet.” Namine states then pauses. “Once you’re done grieving and you come to your sense you’ll be read to start up again. We’re planning something for that occasion.” She smiles conspiratorially.
I chose to stay silent, deciding to allow her to have her fantasy. There was no reason not to let her dream. Besides, she had a point, without directly saying it Namine had reminded me who was really running the resistance. She was already running the resistance, why would she need me as a figurehead anymore? She could let Blaze go on thinking that she’d broken down the resistance and hit her with her pants down because I am so broken by her death. I lower my head and started to fork the soggy pasta into my mouth, chewing slowly as I think. Continuing my previous line of thought, I could completely disappear, as I’m fairly sure that I’m going to soon enough. Namine would continue business as usual without me. She’s been orchestration things from behind the scenes anyway. All my brilliant ideas started with her feeding them to me, critiquing them, praising me into sharing them. In reality she’s the one that encouraged me to branch off in her own way, her gentle hints at the oppressive rule and how it could be changed gave me an idea that I acted on within a stupid impulse. After that Blaze was pissed I knew that I had to do something, I drew on Namine as I always have been. Maybe she really is my friend and is just trying to help me, or maybe she’s just using me to accomplish her own goals. It doesn’t matter to me though, because at the time it served my goals as well and that is really all that matters. I’ve accepted the fact that I was just a representative demagogue, something that she could easily groom Moira into being when I leave. Things will be fine without me I conclude as I choke down last of the noodles. I look up and scan around the table, Moira has finished her lunch as well and relaxed a bit, Amber has drawn herself closer to Namine while she and Cloe converse back and forth idly. I glance at the empty chair next to me and feel the hollow of my chest begin to ache.
I stare blankly down at the tiled floor of the shower room, the tears tracking down my face mix with the lukewarm water spewing from the fount above my head. I grind my teeth and lean all my weight on the hand that is braced against the wall. I need to get out of here and fast, fuck this place and all its memories. Fuck Namine and her plans; fuck Blaze and her empire of fear. Fuck all of it. I just need to get away from it all.
An arm secures itself across my midsection as something heavy rests itself against my shoulder blade. “What do you want?” I ask crossly, hoping my voice doesn’t betray my current state.
“You’re upset!” Blaze states, something akin to bemusement coloring her voice. “She wasn’t worth this. Why don’t you see that?”
“If you’re just going to mock me, then leave me alone.” I shrug her off and turn to face her, letting the stream of water hit my back.
“That’s not what I meant, I’m not mocking you.” She returns her hands to her sides and straightens up, her eyes hold determination and her lips are pressed together into a grimace of purpose. “I just came to tell you that I killed her for you. She was weak and she was making you soft. You know what happens when you get soft. You’ve got to realize that when Riza first came around, I did what I did for appearances. You could have come to on the DL and explained I would have let it go. But you went about everything the wrong way. I did what I had to. I danced for you because I’ve got that soft spot that you touched. I only ever touched you once, out of necessity. Everything else was a warning, but that last one was the last one that I can afford to give. You’ve got two weeks to shape up or I’m going to have to take you out.”
“What are you talking about? You know everything you’ve done since this shit started has been power play. You’ve been fucking with us the same way you fuck with your dogs. You just love testing people’s limits. That’s all you care about now, the rush of power. That shit might be what you tell yourself, but it isn’t going to work on me. You know what? I was gunna let you alone. I was gunna keep my head down because I couldn’t fucking remember what the point of fighting like this was. Now you’ve reminded me. Now you’ve given me a reason. Fuck, killing her, that was unforgivable; but twisting it into some lame rationalization, that’s evil. Now I’m back and I’m out for blood. It’s time for you to pay, Blaze, its long past overdue. Just be ready for it.” I laugh and push past her, striding confidently through the door to the laundry room. My grief suspended, lifting all my worries, I was finally able to see what was truly important. I had to avenge Rizzy; I just had to give her spirit peace before I could have any myself.
During dinner out table is mostly silent, Amber and Cloe having fallen silent while they eat and Namine is busy scanning. Moira is hunched protectively over her tray. I glace down at mine, frowning at the potatoes and green beans on my plate. I stab a potato and bring it to my mouth. While I chew, I stir the remains around my plate with my fork. “So you were right Namine. I think that it’s time to stop grieving and get even. I’ve got to avenge her, you know.” I clear my throat. “So what was that plan you were hatching up?”
Namine looks over, a grin lighting up her face. “I thought you’d never ask. After dinner I’ll drop by your cell, it shouldn’t take too long to explain your part.”
I smile back at her. “I can’t wait to hear it. It sounds like you’ve been working on this for a while. I’m sure it’ll turn out well.” I say, optimism lifting my spirits and improving my attitude. Cloe and Moira look at me in surprise but quickly offer me supportive smiles. Amber nudges Namine with her elbow, silent communication that I choose to interpret as ‘she’s back’. I lean back in my chair and relax, thinking only of my new goal and the peace it will bring to me, but mostly how it will give peace to Rizzy so that both of us can move on. For the first time in months, I feel free and unburdened. I feel that my life has purpose now beyond any I’ve felt before.
To me it seems that even though I’m going to have to take the life of someone who I have cared about and who has cared about me, this new path is what I need. It feels like once she is dead I will be saving a life, not ending one. I hope this feeling holds even as I stand against her to do the deed. It’s too bad that morality is so fickle because even now I doubt myself, even though I feel what I need to do is right. I should follow my own advice and stop thinking about this.
Less than half an hour after we were dismissed from dinner, the entire crew was gathered around my bed with a rough sketch of the prison’s facilities and a collection of monopoly and wizard of Oz games pieces.
“Starting off we have Blaze,” Namine dropped Dorothy onto the cell block, “with Kami, Jaya and Hazel.” She dropped the Cowardly Lion, the Tin man, and the Scarecrow beside Dorothy. “Amber and Cloe will be just outside the door,” She dropped the shoe and the top hat on the door to the cell block. “They’ll serve as the distraction, though the method has yet to be decided. I will pick a fight with Kami; her temper really is problematic for her. I’ll lead her into the shower; our other alliance member s will make sure that it’s clear. That leaves Moira with Jaya and Hazel. She should be able to get them into another cell block then keep up a nice distracting fight to occupy more so that Mag can lead Blaze into our little sweet spot. It’s the hallway that you guys got into a fight in before. There is no camera and the guards will be preoccupied. We’re working on smashing the cameras that would see you heading there and learning the guards shifts and patrols. The last thing we want is for you to go down on a murder charge, so with preparation it should take us awhile. At least a couple week, though I’m envisioning a month, possibly a month and a half. You’ve got time to think about it and tell us if you’re in.” Namine arranges the games to fit her final vision. “Also we can only keep this up for the minutes, fifteen at the most, so you’re going to have to work fast.
I nod. “I’ll think about it, could you give me some time to myself, I need to really consider this.” Namine nods and gathers her things, folding the map and stowing the pieces in her pants.
“Don’t rush the decision; it’s your life that you’re betting here.” She advises me as everyone but Moira files out of the cell. Once they are gone I lounge back and stare at the ceiling. If I take up with Namine I could bring peace to myself and still get out before they start the joke of an investigation that will end with the warden signing off on a cold case. Should I turn Namine down, I could find peace outside, with no risk of wasting more of my life. I bite my lip; dammit I didn’t want to think more about this. I let out a sigh; my stomach is knotted up from my conflicted thoughts. I feel someone sitting down on my bed. Arms wrap around my waist and a head on my abdomen, I stroke Moira behind her ears. If I walk out on Namine there is no guarantee that I would ever find peace. At the same time there is no guarantee that I will have peace even if I do side with her, I could avenge Rizzy and then feel remorse for ending Blaze’s life. It seems that I’m fucked either way. Moira turns and brings herself up to her knees, moving so her face hovers above mine. I turn my face to the side, I hear her chuckle.
“Don’t get stressed out over this, Namine has everything planned so you won’t take the fall. Besides, even if you do, it’s not like more time in here would be so different. After a few years this place is so easy to understand and get along in. Just help us take out Blaze, with her gone things would be so much better even if you did take the rap for it.” I pat her ass, signaling for her to get off. Moira dismounts, brushing a kiss onto my lips.
“How do you know so much when you spend most of your life in the weight room?” I question. “It’s not that simple anyway. If it was I’d have no problem deciding, at the moment I’ve got other priorities.” I tell her, watching her closely as she moves across the room. I turn my head back to the ceiling and begin to contemplate these things again.
The next morning I’m still awake and thinking about it. No matter how I weigh it, my head tells me to refuse Namine, but then my gut tells me to side with her. I bring my index finger to my mouth and start chewing on it, blood flows into my mouth so I switch to my middle finger. My eyes drift themselves closed while I chew thoughtfully on my knuckle. I’m still conflicted as to what I should do, but I think I’m going to side with my gut, my head only got into trouble anyway, I decide.
After the guards unlock my cell door and announce that its breakfast time. I tell Moira that I’ve made my decision. She smiles but doesn’t ask, allowing me to brood over the decision for as long as I please with no pressure. We walk to the cafeteria together and join up with Namine, Cloe and Amber at a table. We get in line together, joking and chatting about the prison and the guards. By the time we sit back down at the table with our breakfast of sausage and bacon, we’ve delved onto the subject of sex, specifically the guards we’ve bedded over the years. Moira says that she’s had at least fifty in the six years she’s been in the prison system. I tell her that she’s full of shit, after twice that amount of time I’ve only gotten thirty. The guard at the table chimes in and says that he’s done over a hundred inmates in a year, so it wouldn’t be that impossible. I tell him to mind his own business, like every guard who’s heard our plotting seems to.
Towards the end of the meal I nudge Namine and tell that I have an announcement. “Yes or no?” She questions aloud to the whole group. I bite my lip, indecisively for a minute before I answer.
“Yes.” A smile spreads across her face slowly as my words sink in. the rest of the group nods and smiles back at me. Namine leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek. I wrap my arms around her. The guard clears his throat.
“Now girls, if you’re looking for something, I can come by your cell block tonight. I think it’s been long enough since my last indulgence.” We laugh him off, pointing him to Moira who grins at him.
“I don’t know handsome, it’s been quite a while since I fucked anyone. I think I’m out of practice.” He swallows.
“Give me the cell number, I’ll lock up tonight.” Moira grins even more and gives it to him. “I’ll bring condoms and lube.” He stands up and dismisses us quickly. Amber and Cloe trade a few chaste picks while Namine jealously pouts, glaring at Close who will most likely get a harsh punishment before the end of the day.