That first job I did for Dr. D went really well. It was a quick smash and grab; get the goods and get out before anyone else shows up. He was so happy with it that I swear I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. I left him to his celebration and went on my way, still planning on starting a green and black themed crime spree in Go City, just to wind Hector up to the point where he’d blow a fuse. But two days later Dr. D calls me and asks me to steal something else for him. It was in Cairo and I’d never been to Egypt. And since he was willing to pay for airfare and accommodations over and above my fee, I said “Sure.” That went well too. One thing led to another and I found myself pulling heists for the guy on a regular basis. Weird shit though, nothing really valuable, that I could see. Usually some kind of obscure technology that almost always blew up in his face about ten seconds after I put it in his hands. But he seemed happy with it and the money was good, so who was I to argue? Then one night he calls me out to the lair. It wasn’t a real lair. He couldn’t afford one yet. It was one of those time-shares that Jack Hench leases out over by the Middleton Airport. He was real mysterious over the phone, wouldn’t say anything, kept clearing his throat and cutting off his sentences. I was worried about it being a trap so I cased the place pretty good. You know, looking for cops, or you guys, laying in wait for me but it seemed all right. Still, I didn’t take any chances, snuck in through the ventilation duct to take a look before I showed myself.
Dr. D was down on the floor in the main part of the lair. Pacing back and forth, muttering to himself. I’d never seen the guy so nervous. He was wearing his good lab coat too. I couldn’t really hear him from where I was but I was catching snatches of phrases about being together for a long time and moving to the next level in our relationship. Mostly I was surprised. In the year I’d been doing jobs for the guy, he hadn’t made one pass at me. I mean, not even a sideways glance. I figured he was gay. And I know this is going to sound weird, but I kinda liked him. He was the brother I always wanted. The one who would cover my back and stand up for me. The one who would lie to the ‘rents or help me plan a major prank. The one I never had. I sat there for a little while trying to figure out a way to let the guy down easy and then it hit me. Why not give it a shot? He might be completely off his rocker, but he’s at least a decent guy where it counts. So I was feeling pretty good about myself and thinking I might have a shot at some kind of relationship. Yeah, I know. I think it just shows you how screwed up I was. Anyway, turns out he wasn’t proposing marriage or even going steady. At least not romantically. He starts going on and on about how I’m the first person who even pretends to listen to him and how he appreciates my skills and now he needs a full time helper if he’s going to get on with the next phase of his plan. Now, I can see a straight line when someone hands it to me, so I asked him what the next phase was. I’m sure it isn’t a surprise to you, but I was actually pretty shocked when he said “World Domination!”
It wasn’t just that he said it. 'cause he didn’t just say it. He made a whole production out of saying it. Dramatic pose… deep voice… arm flourishes… I couldn’t tell if it was the funniest thing I’d ever seen or the cutest. But he looked so earnest and enthusiastic... like a puppy who just brought in a slobbery wet mass of torn up newspaper... and I knew I couldn’t turn him down. We ordered in pizza and hammered out the details of the relationship. Mainly I was going to be his body guard /chief of acquisitions and occasional sounding board. I made sure that I wasn’t contractually obligated to actually listen to anything he said when he was ranting and that “other duties as assigned by the supervisor” didn’t include anything remotely domestic and that was the start of a beautiful relationship. He’d come up with fantastically elaborate schemes and I’d steal the stuff he needed to make them work. Of course his schemes never actually worked. He’s got an amazing mind but he’s too much a big picture kind of guy. Always misses out on the details. But I had a lot of fun that year and we developed a good rhythm together. I never minded that all his plots came to nothing and he never minded that I used him as a verbal punching bag. The only thing that bothered me was that we weren’t doing anything in Go City. I still had this thing about wanting to annoy Hector but Dr. D’s work never really brought us out there. I kept wearing the black and green cat-suit hoping that someone would put two and two together and bring it to his attention, but no one ever did. Other than that one little thing, life was good. Until you showed up out of nowhere and started talking about Kim Possible.
To be honest, I’d never heard of her. And I really could have done without the dramatics the first time you contacted me about the stuck up little princess. Let’s see… It was right after the Gardner Museum heist. I came back to the lair, the real lair… we could afford one by then, and walked into a damn ambush. There you were, Betty-freaking-Director, leaning against my dresser like it’s a credenza in your office at Global Justice with a cup of coffee in one hand and a file folder in the other. Stopped me cold in my tracks. My mind was racing about a million miles an hour. There was no way in hell anyone could have caught onto me that fast. I’d just got back from the damn job and I’d ‘a given some pretty stiff odds that they didn’t even know their shit was missing yet, so I’m trying to figure out why you're there and what you want from me while at the same time I’m going through a mental list of everything I need to take with me when I run, which is going to be in about half a second. Then you tell me to relax and call me by my name. Not Shego, my real name… That startled me enough that I stuck around for another few seconds. Then it started getting really weird. You told me you weren’t there to arrest me or even to stop Dr. D from taking over the world. I’m not stupid, if Dr. D was able to take over the world, he’d ‘a done it a long time ago, so I told you not to do me any favors and asked you what you wanted. Turns out, you've got your eye on this girl that you think has Global Justice potential. But she’s still a kid and she’s untested in any kind of real world situation. It looked like our paths were going to cross pretty soon and would I mind… get you… Would I mind evaluating the girl’s abilities and reporting back to Global Justice about what I think.
Oddly enough, you weren’t threatening me. In fact, when I asked what was in it for me and you showed me an envelope filled with cash, it shut me up pretty quick. I’d been expecting a shake down… you know, “work for me or go to jail.” or something along those lines. Cold hard cash is kind of hard for me to pass up. But I was still pretty skeptical about the whole situation and I tried to buy some time by telling you I’d have to think it over. You put the file on the dresser and the envelope on top of it and told me to take my time. You’d be back after I had a chance to meet the girl. Then you were gone, faded into the background like a ninja into a shadow, leaving the file, the envelope and the smell of burnt coffee behind. At that point, I figured I was either already captured or Scott free so I went over and counted the money. In it was the same amount that Dr. D paid me every month. Well, it was the amount he was supposed to pay me every month. Some months are a little slower than others. Next I checked out the folder. Even if I didn’t want to start working as a snitch for the head spook at GJ, getting a peek at who you wanted to recruit was going to be was a singular opportunity. I took one look and dropped the whole file into the incinerator. At first I was pissed. I headed out to find Dr. D and crack his head for scaring the living crap out of me. While I was looking I got to thinking that it was a pretty good joke. The whole thing with the Betty Director impersonator and the money and the file on the cheerleader was actually kind of a funny way to give me my pay check. It had to be a hoax. So, I decided I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd fooled me. I just headed back to my rooms laughing a little at my gullibility and trying to think of some way to get back at him.
Only... a couple of weeks later I found out it wasn’t a joke at all. Dr. D had me steal some robo-nano-tick-thing and she showed up… at the lair... and she kicked my ass. Can you believe it? A cheerleader… showed up at the lair… my lair… and kicked my ass! Blew up the lair too, but at that point, who cares? I just got my ass kicked… By a cheerleader! And that means that Betty Director really did break into my room and ask me to work for her. And it means that this little cheerleader really is Betty Director’s heir apparent. And, most importantly, it means that Drakken still owes me last month’s pay. So now I was scared and pissed… a bad combination. I headed out to get some of my own back. I mopped the local high school hangout with the red head and got Dr. D’s nano-thingy back. Of course, it blew up as soon as he got his hands on it, but what could I do? Some things are just meant to be. It was a nervous couple of days for me after that. I kept looking over my shoulder wondering when you'd show up and demand your pound of flesh. Dr. D was in a deep funk. The thing that really pissed him off was that this cheerleader had never heard of him. He went around mumbling things like “How would you like it if I forgot your name?” and “I’ll show them both!” He said he was working on something big, but then he always said that. When you did finally show up, I just about jumped out of my skin. I was in the main lab, reading “Villain’s Weekly” and ignoring one of Dr. D’s rants when I glanced up and saw you standing in the doorway. Bold as brass and cajones to match, jerking your head toward the hallway.
As I followed you out, I thought about taking you down. But something in the way you cocked your eyebrow at me made me rethink that. You were too damn confident standing in the middle of my lair with no apparent back-up or weapons. You asked me what I thought of Kim. I pointed out that I'd never actually accepted your proposition. You pointed out that I’d already spent the money… I pointed out that I thought it had come from Dr. D… You pointed out that it didn’t matter if I thought it had come from the Doc or not, because how would it look to him if you walked in there and said you'd been paying me and claimed that I’d let you into the lair? It was a good point. I don’t think that Dr. D would have been too happy about that at all. He always said we were like a family. An evil family with a sinister goal, but a family none the less and if I strolled into the room arm in arm with some spook from GJ, he’d feel like I’d betrayed him. I’d feel that way too, even if I hadn’t. So I got you to promise that there was nothing else you wanted from me. I made you swear it. All I had to do was fight the cheerleader, and give an honest opinion about her skills. I didn’t even have to lay off of her, you know. I could go all out… well as all out as I wanted to, I don’t want to kill anyone.
After that meeting, it was easy to establish a kind of routine. Dr. D would come up with some hair-brained scheme. I’d steal the stuff he wanted. Kim Possible and her boyfriend would show up and stop us. Sometimes, she’d kick my ass, sometimes I’d kick her’s. Afterward, I’d make some excuse to Drakken and go meet you to debrief you on the kid. I never felt like I was betraying Dr. D. It’s not like I was undermining his schemes or sabotaging his efforts. I don’t know what would have happened if he had actually succeeded with one of them. But he never did, so the question is moot. After the first couple of fights, I realized I was up against it and I started studying the girl. She wasn’t really a master martial artist, but she had this amazing ability to improvise moves and combine different styles of attacks and defenses. I had a hard time matching her, never mind beating her. I started training harder… a lot harder. I had to if I wanted to keep up. I found myself anticipating the fights. They were… challenging… amazing, exhilarating… titillating… Damn! I loved fighting her. Everyday, I wanted to fight her. As time passed, it got to the point where I needed to fight her. Sometimes, if it seemed like Drakken was lagging behind on one of his projects, I’d give him a nudge or two to get him motivated. I constantly wanted to test out a new move or try a revised counter to something she’d thrown at me the last time. It just wasn’t a real caper until Kim showed up. And when she did… hot damn! What a blast!
I know what you’re thinking. But you couldn’t be more wrong. You still don’t get it, do you? Can’t really blame you, I didn’t get it myself until a couple of months ago. I was denying everything, pretending that it was all normal. Everything was just business and then that freak of an alien started whupping Kim’s ass all over Middleton and back. I’m pretty sure I didn’t make a conscious decision to step in but all of a sudden I found myself standing between them. Then Dr. D is looking at me with that kicked puppy face, like he hadn’t just tossed me aside for the Jolly Green Giantess, and I pop off some line about nobody killing Kimmie but me. I think he bought it. I think I even bought it. I’m pretty sure Kim bought it but you knew the truth as soon as I walked into the coffee shop, didn’t you? And when I saw your expression I couldn’t deny the truth either. You see? Well, maybe you don’t. The fights were never what was driving me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a lot of respect and admiration for Kim. I loved testing my strength and abilities against her. She’s cute too. And even though I never did get the whole thing about her dating the buffoon, I never had a thing for her. Not only is she too young for me, cheerleaders bring back too many painful high school memories. Besides, Fox pretty much put me off red heads for the rest of my life. No, the real reason why I needed to fight Kim was because after I fought her, I had an excuse to spend time with you. And that night, when I walked in to the coffee shop… and you thanked me for helping her out and gave me a hug… I was… I was over the moon. The whole time we were talking, you were smiling at me. You were happy and it made me feel great to know that I’d done it. I’d made you happy. I couldn’t deny it any more. I was in love with you.