Chapter 2
Leaving for her school was heart wrenching. It seemed to the tortured Tomoyo that the girl she loved so much was suffering just as much as she was. Which wasn't possible, of course, as Tomoyo told herself, since Sakura could never feel about her the way she felt about Sakura. It took all of Tomoyo's strength to not jump out of the car before her personal bodyguard and driver Aoi closed the door. She waved goodbye as long as she could still see Sakura, Then cried the entire two hours it took to get to the apartment her mom had rented near the high school she had picked.
The first couple of days were the worst. Then, once classes started, Tomoyo was rather pleased at just how difficult the courses were. She really had to spend time studying every night, plus she had singing practice as she was again in the choir. And then club meetings when she joined the music club. This kept her so busy that sometimes an entire hour would go by before she thought about Sakura again.
But every single day she got an email from Sakura and had to answer it. And try to avoid telling outright lies about how she was doing. Which was difficult. Even her choir practice wasn't as enjoyable as it had been, but almost a chore. Until one day the director called her into his office for a private talk.
"Are you familiar with Enka singing?" she asked.
"A little. My grandmother used to love to listen to it. But I don't think I have heard any in years."
"Did you like it?"
"Not really. It was always so sad."
"Enka is usually about the sad aspects of life such as irrecoverable destiny or desertion by a lover. But it is still an expression of love. It's just about a love that will never be successful with sorrow and tears following happy memories. It can also be a song of a woman who is resentful of her destiny as the one she loves chooses another woman. Anyhow, Enka is song of resignation. Resignation must be sweet so that it is endurable." This really got Tomoyo's attention, as it seemed to describe her situation exactly. "I've noticed that not only do you have a wonderfully pure voice, you also have a lot of control, and the ability to put a lot of feeling in your songs. So if you have any interest I would like very much to teach you Enka." Tomoyo hardly hesitated.
"It does sound interesting. I would like very much to have some instruction in Enka." she said in the rather flat speaking voice she usually used at the high school.
So she did try, and indeed she did have a real talent for expressing the intense emotions of sadness and loss that were so much a part of Enka. Her clear sweet voice seemed to pierce the director's heart. "I have never before heard such feelings coming out of such a young person. Could you tell me just how you manage it?"
"I have some experience with loss and unhappy destiny." Tomoyo replied without any feeling. The director took the hint and didn't ask any further.
So, starting from that day, she studied and practiced Enka. And whenever she sang in front of anyone, she seemed to be sharing her pain and sadness with them. And this would, for a little while, help her to feel more like living. But then, as she got deeper into what Enka really is, she found a further reward. Enka was not just sadness, it was the song of someone who has accepted their sadness and are able to not only live with it, but even extract some sweetness out of the whole experience of life, both good and bad. To do this, she realized she had to completely accept her fate with all her heart. As she got closer and closer to this ideal, it changed her life. The icy knife that twisted in her chest had faded to a dull ache, and the black depression that pulled at her mind faded until it was just a shadow of it's former self.
By the time the first public performance of the school choral group came, she was indeed very good at singing Enka. Not that it made a big hit with the high school students, but it certainly impressed the adults there. And one of them happened to have an uncle who loved Enka and owned a tea house. By the following week she had an agreement to sing there three times a week.
She was now also the president of the music club as well as a star performer with the choral group. All these activities plus studying and homework, kept her very busy indeed. And the busier she was, the less she missed her Sakura-chan.
The high and low point of her day was late in the evening when she would answer her daily email from Sakura. For an hour or more, it was almost like being with the girl she loved so much, listening to her chatter about small happenings at her house and at school. It was painful when she would talk about Syaoran and how they were dating, but with her new attitude of resignation she could tell herself that she was happy that all was going well with Sakura's life and very nearly make herself believe it. So for the most part, she was able to draw some real pleasure out of chatting with the one she loved so much.
Then as the Christmas break came closer, she felt a wonderful excitement growing inside her. *Soon I will be able to see and touch Sakura-chan. Which will be sweet indeed, even though she will never be mine.* These sort of thoughts generated sweet daydreams which, of course, had a habit of distracting her from her schoolwork from time to time but no real harm was done to her grades, as she finished the term close to the top of her class.
Then it had arrived. She was actually on her way home. And Sakura had insisted on meeting her at the train station. Tomoyo was so excited and nervous that she couldn't even read the book she had brought. All she could think of was the fact that in a little while she would have her arms around her Sakura.
As the train pulled into the station, she was up and waiting for the doors to open. Then as soon as they did, she was out and looking around. Finding them wasn't a problem, as she easily spotted the sign held high by one of her mom's bodyguards. And when she got closer she caught a glimpse of the tall girl with the short hair that meant so much to her. For what was likely the first time in her life she actually pushed people out of the way in her eagerness to get to Sakura. And then she was there and went right into her Sakura's open arms. As she held her love, she thrilled at the feel of Sakura's strong arms holding her tightly. But then she felt Sakura's lips on her neck. And then her cheek. A powerful urge flooded her mind, she could turn her head just a little and... *NO! I must not! I must protect her! From me...* She froze as the feelings crashed in her head, unable to move and nearly unable to think.