Story: Tomoyo's World -Part 0- Bitter Fate (all chapters)

AUTHORS NOTE: This part of the story is my first (and possibly last) attempt writing angst. I just wanted to see if I could do it without depressing myself into a coma. However, as it turned out I am glad I did write this as the mental attitude that Tomoyo learns to use to endure her bitter fate is a good one and is currently helping me to endure my own bitter fate. However this may make this part not nearly painful enough to be called real angst. Sorry, but this is the best I can do.

It is not really necessarily to read this part to understand the next part, but I think it is useful to understand my version of Tomoyo's character and to get the full effect of how things go later in the story. You could consider this an extended prologue...

Enka is real and more or less as I described it. It seemed to be a perfect fit for poor suffering Tomoyo. I found most of what I know at Barbara's Enka Site.

http://www.technogirls.org/enka/index.htm

XXX

("I'm sorry Tomoyo, for putting you through all this pain, but just hang on and you will in time be rewarded for all your love and devotion. Rewarded far beyond your wildest dreams...")

Risa (insane dyke who talks to her characters)

XXX

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, they belong to CLAMP.

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In case you are not familiar with Card Captor Sakura, here is a very brief introduction of the main characters.

Li Syaoran is the heir to the rich and powerful Li Clan of Hong Kong, and is trying his best to fulfill the demands of his position despite his shyness and insecurity. Incidentally he has considerable Magic power on his side.

Li Meiling is Syaoran's strong willed cousin who has loved him since they were children.

Kinomoto Sakura is the sweet and unassuming Japanese girl who has captured the powerful, Clow Cards and used her immense Magic power to remake them as her own..

Daidoji Tomoyo is the daughter of a wealthy mother, and has been Sakura's best friend since they were about nine. She is also very deeply in love with Sakura.

All of the above characters are currently sixteen years old though nearly all of this part of the story happens in flash-back mode.

XXX

Tomoyo's World - Part 0 - Bitter Fate

Chapter 0

Saturday July 22, 3:23pm Hong Kong time.

"Well? Have you asked her yet?" Meiling wanted to know.

"No. But I will." Syaoran replied.

"When? She's going home in a few days. Time is running out."

"Tonight. I'll ask her tonight. I'm taking her out to dinner."

"You don't sound very happy about it. Are you scared?" Syaoran tried to ignore Meiling, but as usual he couldn't. She had a talent for getting under his skin. He looked at her and tried to come up with a casual answer, but she didn't wait. "Are you afraid she will say no?" She hesitated for a moment raising an eyebrow. "Or, afraid she will say yes?" Syaoran twitched at this which completely gave him away to Meiling. "You don't really want to marry her. It's for the family. The all powerful and important Li Clan. So, since you couldn't capture the cards yourself, you have been assigned to marry them." As the young woman laughed her strange laugh, Syaoran just stared at the floor.

"I wish..." He mumbled to himself, but her sensitive ears caught it.

"You wish what?"

"Nothing!"

"Come on, out with it! You know I'll get it out of you eventually." Her words were harsh, but her smile was warm.

*Maybe I should just tell her.* Syaoran thought to himself, *No. That's a terrible idea. It will make it even harder on her when Sakura and I marry. I have responsibilities! I HAVE to marry Sakura...*

Saturday July 22, 7:23pm

"Well! This is certainly a fancy place." Sakura noted uncomfortably.

"Yes, it is. I've never been here before. My mother made the reservations." He sounded uncomfortable and he knew it. He also knew that he wasn't any good at romantic stuff. *I can do this. She loves me and I like her a lot. And she is a beautiful girl. It should be easy...*

The table they were shown to was in a secluded corner nearly surrounded by beautiful flowers. The perfect place to ask The Question.

XXX

*The dinner was too fancy with too much food. An extravagant waste.* he thought to himself, *But I am doing it just like Mother told me to.* After dessert, he checked to make sure the ring box was still in his coat pocket, then he calmed his mind and spirit just as he would do before combat. "Sakura-chan?"

"Yes?"

"We have known each other since we were very young. And we have been through a lot together." Sakura just nodded. "Well... I have fallen in love with you, and will you marry me?" He was sure his tone of voice was wrong, but at least he had gotten the words out right. He took a breath and relaxed just a bit. *Now when she says yes, I will act delighted.* [The minimum age to marry in Japan is sixteen for girls, but for boys it's 18, so they would have to be engaged for two years.]

However Sakura was suddenly not at all relaxed. * I have been dreading this moment. It's just like Tomoyo said it would be. I know she thinks he is the perfect Magic Prince for me and I should jump at the chance to marry him. And I do like him a lot, but to spend the rest of my life with him? It just doesn't feel right! Not with him...* As the silence grew longer, Sakura glanced at him but seeing his puzzled look didn't lend her any strength at all so she looked back at her half empty dessert plate. *I really hate to disappoint Tomoyo, and him, but I'm sixteen now, and I need to make my own decisions.*

*Mother said that she wanted to marry me and was just waiting for me to ask. Why is she hesitating? Is it possible she will turn me down?* After another ten seconds of painful silence Sakura finally spoke.

"Tomoyo said that you were going to ask me. And since she is usually right, I've been thinking about it...a lot...I do like you...really. And I know this is a great honor. But... I guess I'm just not ready to get married. I'm sorry!"

"That's okay. Don't worry about it." If Sakura had been paying attention to him, instead of to her own embarrassment, she might have realized that he sounded a lot more relieved than disappointed.

XXX

Sakura had trouble getting to sleep that night. She kept wondering if she had done the right thing. *Well at least he didn't seem really heartbroken or anything. But I feel really bad disappointing Tomoyo. She wanted me to marry him so much! And now I have to tell her I turned him down! I have to call her Sunday morning- and that's tomorrow! And I can't very well talk to her and not tell her...*

Sunday July 23, 9:29 am Hong Kong time.

Sakura was just finishing up her conversation with Tomoyo when Meiling knocked on her door.

After chatting a bit about small happenings, Meiling brought up the subject that Sakura had been dreading. "So, you turned Syaoran down." she said with a hint of a smile, which Sakura missed completely.

"I'm really sorry. I know everyone expected me to say yes, and I really thought a lot about it, but I just couldn't! I like him; I like him a lot. But, I guess I just don't love him. I hope he isn't too heartbroken." She finished with a pleading look.

"No, Sakura, he's not heartbroken. Not at all. In fact he's relieved."

"Huh?"

"He didn't really want to marry you at all. It was for the good of the Li clan. You and your cards are very powerful and therefor very valuable."

"Why that..." Sakura started, but then made herself stop and think about it. It was something Tomoyo had taught her; "Think before you speak". And after a bit of thought it did make sense. "Okay. I can understand why he would do that. His responsibility as the next head of the Li clan is more important to him than anything. I shouldn't really blame him I guess. But it still seems like a rotten thing to do!" She finished with more than a little anger in it.

"We all do what we have to do. He is no different." Meiling said with a shrug.

"I'm really glad you told me this. Now I don't feel guilty about turning him down." Meiling just nodded in agreement. After a moment Sakura continued, "Do you still love him after all these years?"

"Oh yes, more than ever." she smiled. And I know I will be good for him. He really needs someone to keep him from being so wishy washy. Now all I have to do is convince his mother of that. Don't tell him, but I am fairly certain I've already convinced him. He has let slip more than once how important I am to him. But how about you? How are things between you and Tomoyo?"

"We are the best of friends, same as always."

"Didn't she ever tell her how she felt about you?"

Sakura shrugged with just a hint of sadness in her voice. "What is there to tell? I am her very best friend and she loves me very much."

Meiling raised an eyebrow at that. "Indeed. She certainly seemed to be more than a friend to you when I was in Japan."

"I know. I was thinking that back in middle school, but every time I brought it up, she just insisted that I was her magical princess and she had to treat me properly. But we were only friends." Sakura finished again with a hint of sadness.

Meiling could read this as clearly as if Sakura had held up a sign. "And, you want to be more than just friends with her?" Sakura twitched a bit and turned rather red as she broke eye contact. "It's okay," Meiling continued with a little smile, "I won't tell anyone."

Sakura nodded just slightly before speaking. "Okay. Well... Tomoyo is very very special

to me. And when I was thinking about marrying Syaoran, I tried to imagine spending the rest of my life with him. And it didn't feel right. Not at all. But then I couldn't help thinking that if it was Tomoyo..." She was too embarrassed to finish, but she didn't have to for Meiling.

"I'm not surprised." Meiling said with a little smile. "And I'll bet that no matter what Tomoyo says, she would love to spend the rest of her life with you."

"But then why has she always insisted that I must marry a powerful sorcerer like Syaoran?"

"She wants the best for you. And I guess Syaoran is her idea of "the best"." Meiling smiled before continuing, "In a way, I agree with her, but Syaoran isn't "the best" for you, he's "the best" for me!

Chapter 1

Flashback: Fifth grade.

After Sakura had converted the last of the Clow Cards to Sakura Cards, Tomoyo began to wonder if there was any real chance that Sakura could ever be hers. *She is not only the most perfect person in the world, she is also one of the most powerful. She now has terrible responsibilities and will probably face more challenges from other powerful people in the future.* She sighed before she let the thought continue. "And I am totally useless to her. Syaoran was right beside her, using his magic to help convert the Light and Dark Cards and finally qualify her to be the Cardmistress, while I was under the sleep spell with the other normal humans. She didn't need me for anything. It really wouldn't be fair to her to be stuck with a plain ordinary person like me.*

Flashback: Seventh grade.

As Tomoyo studied in the library, she could clearly hear two girls talking excitedly. "Did you hear? Huniko of 7A class and an eighth grade girl are lovers!"

"No!"

"Yes! They were seen kissing behind the sports storage building during lunch yesterday! They are real pervs!" Tomoyo was in class 7A and knew Huniko. She was a shy quiet girl who kept to herself and didn't bother anyone. The word about her kissing another girl surprised Tomoyo, but didn't seem like a big deal. Until she saw how Huniko was teased and tormented. A group of girls surrounded her calling her names and then later a boy pushed her and knocked her books out of her hands. And the worst part was that the teacher saw the whole thing and blamed Huniko for starting trouble! That night Tomoyo told her mom what she had heard and what had happened.

"Why would they be so mean to that girl? Just because she kissed another girl? Is that so terrible a thing?"

"No, it's not terrible at all, but there are a lot of people who think it is and they can be very harsh with those who break their rules. Two girls loving each other is not something that our culture accepts. It is sad but true."

This incident made a very strong impression on Tomoyo. She knew that she loved Sakura, and would certainly kiss her if she could, but there was no way she could even consider it any longer. *Now there is another important reason why I cannot be with my Sakura-chan...*

Her resolve only hardened when Huniko disappeared without any explanation. *She must have had to change schools! It must be a terrible thing to love another girl.* Tomoyo decided.

Flashback: Ninth grade.

"I've been thinking about us." Sakura started hesitantly.

"About 'us'? What do you mean?" Tomoyo replied casually as her mind snapped to full attention.

"It seems to me that you have been more than just a friend to me all these years. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I wanted to bring it up, but it was hard."

"There is nothing hard, or strange about it." Tomoyo replied with her usual practiced smile. "My friends are important to me. And you are my very special friend. I care about you a lot, and I want you to be happy. That's all there is to it. It's just my sort of friendship."

"But I never saw you video taping anyone but me." Sakura said with a suspicious look.

"Of course not. My other friends aren't like you. Magical Princesses deserve special treatment!" The pain tore at the wound that never healed deep inside Tomoyo as she spoke in her happy voice and smiled her usual smile. *I have no choice. Sakura's happiness is worth any pain, no matter how terrible.*

Lately, she had taken up exercising in the evenings to tire her out so she could go to sleep more quickly and thus spend less time crying, but that night was another bad one.

As she sobbed, her clever mind refused to stop. How she wished she could just stop thinking, but that was one thing beyond even her amazing control.

*Why? What did I do to get cursed like this? I've never done any harm to anyone! I am innocent! Yet I am being punished with this hellish pain. This world is certainly a horrible cruel place!

If only I had been born a boy. A boy with Magic, like Syaoran. Then I would be free to love her and win her love in return. We would be a proper couple and I could use my magic to protect her.

But no. I am girl. And what's even worse, a girl without any magic. So I am not allowed to try to win her love. I would be corrupting her. And I can't do that! She IS a princess! A wonderful Magical Princess. And no matter the pain, I must see to it that she finds her Prince and they live happily ever after. Perhaps, once she is married and living happily, I can find someone like myself. Someone I am allowed to love and who can love me in return.* But then Tomoyo shook her head sadly. She was sure she could never love anyone but Sakura, no matter how many years had past. Her life was destined to be lonely and tormented, and there was no way to escape it.

XXX

That last year of middle school was the worst. She knew boys were asking Sakura out, and she was refusing every one. And this was good, since none of them were worthy of her. But she kept asking Tomoyo to go out with her, to the movies and shopping, and the amusement park. And treating her so sweetly.

*Why do I let her do this to me? I could just claim I'm busy. But no, I let her tempt me over and over till my control is strained to the breaking point. She almost seems to be saying that she will give me her love if I will just accept it. But that can't be true! And even if it were, I couldn't do it. It would ruin her life! So I must be strong and keep my distance. Just be friends with her. What a cruel word that is! "Friends..." It has come to mean the most horrible sort of pain and torment.*

But then during the summer break, as the stress was close to breaking the strong and determined Tomoyo, Syaoran came back from Hong Kong. It was both the very pinnacle of pain for Tomoyo, and her relief.

*I can see it in their eyes. They are attracted to each other. How perfect! Her Magical Prince has arrived and Sakura's destiny is now assured. And I'm safe! There is no way I can break down and reveal my feelings now. Not when everything is going so right for her. Now I must dedicate myself to gently helping their love grow.*

The thought that she was finally doing the 'right thing' gave Tomoyo the strength to then carry out her 'high school plan.' She took tests for five of the highest rated schools in Japan. When Sakura found out what schools Tomoyo was trying for, she tried for the same ones.

*It hurts so much, to see how hard she is trying. She seems to be pushing herself to the breaking point, studying. Just so she can be with me.* Tomoyo thought as she cried in her bed as usual. Then she repeated her usual mantra that kept her going, *I will not allow my unnatural urges to corrupt the perfect beauty that is Sakura! I will keep her safe from me and Syaoran will keep her safe from others. I must hold to this plan, no matter what the price!*

As the results trickled in, there were no surprises. Tomoyo had been accepted at four of the schools and Sakura had been rejected by them all. When Sakura read the rejection from the last of the schools she called Tomoyo immediately.

"We won't see each other anymore!" She whined into the phone and Tomoyo could practically see the tears running down her cheeks. It hurt so much that she couldn't even talk for a moment. But then her powerful self control came to her rescue. She had to pull herself together because Sakura needed her support and she had to provide it.

"I'm sorry Sakura-chan but we will still see each other on holidays and summer break, and we can write every day if you like. Just remember, high school is a very critical time in ones life. We need to devote ourselves to learn our lessons and get good grades so we can get into a good college. So we can't socialize like we did when we were younger. We have to concentrate on our future." *A future without me.* Tomoyo thought to herself as she felt the familiar knife stab into her chest and then slowly twist.

Sakura was terribly upset but since she had no choice, she applied to be tested at four of the local medium and lower rated schools. Tomoyo did her best to coach both Sakura and Syaoran right up to each test day. Then when they received the results, Syaoran surprised everyone by getting accepted to all four schools while Sakura was only accepted at the three lower ones. Sakura was once again hurt and miserable, but Syaoran surprised the two girls again when he told them that not only was he going to go to the same school that Sakura picked, but the Li's were buying him a small house near where Sakura lived so they could even ride the same bus to and from School.

This fit in perfectly with Tomoyo's plan, so she smiled happily and told Sakura how lucky she was that she wouldn't be stuck with a bunch of strangers when she started school.

*Now she will see him every day, and only see me once in a while. Which is as it should be.* Tomoyo thought to herself as she cried into her pillow yet again that night.

Chapter 2

Leaving for her school was heart wrenching. It seemed to the tortured Tomoyo that the girl she loved so much was suffering just as much as she was. Which wasn't possible, of course, as Tomoyo told herself, since Sakura could never feel about her the way she felt about Sakura. It took all of Tomoyo's strength to not jump out of the car before her personal bodyguard and driver Aoi closed the door. She waved goodbye as long as she could still see Sakura, Then cried the entire two hours it took to get to the apartment her mom had rented near the high school she had picked.

The first couple of days were the worst. Then, once classes started, Tomoyo was rather pleased at just how difficult the courses were. She really had to spend time studying every night, plus she had singing practice as she was again in the choir. And then club meetings when she joined the music club. This kept her so busy that sometimes an entire hour would go by before she thought about Sakura again.

But every single day she got an email from Sakura and had to answer it. And try to avoid telling outright lies about how she was doing. Which was difficult. Even her choir practice wasn't as enjoyable as it had been, but almost a chore. Until one day the director called her into his office for a private talk.

"Are you familiar with Enka singing?" she asked.

"A little. My grandmother used to love to listen to it. But I don't think I have heard any in years."

"Did you like it?"

"Not really. It was always so sad."

"Enka is usually about the sad aspects of life such as irrecoverable destiny or desertion by a lover. But it is still an expression of love. It's just about a love that will never be successful with sorrow and tears following happy memories. It can also be a song of a woman who is resentful of her destiny as the one she loves chooses another woman. Anyhow, Enka is song of resignation. Resignation must be sweet so that it is endurable." This really got Tomoyo's attention, as it seemed to describe her situation exactly. "I've noticed that not only do you have a wonderfully pure voice, you also have a lot of control, and the ability to put a lot of feeling in your songs. So if you have any interest I would like very much to teach you Enka." Tomoyo hardly hesitated.

"It does sound interesting. I would like very much to have some instruction in Enka." she said in the rather flat speaking voice she usually used at the high school.

So she did try, and indeed she did have a real talent for expressing the intense emotions of sadness and loss that were so much a part of Enka. Her clear sweet voice seemed to pierce the director's heart. "I have never before heard such feelings coming out of such a young person. Could you tell me just how you manage it?"

"I have some experience with loss and unhappy destiny." Tomoyo replied without any feeling. The director took the hint and didn't ask any further.

So, starting from that day, she studied and practiced Enka. And whenever she sang in front of anyone, she seemed to be sharing her pain and sadness with them. And this would, for a little while, help her to feel more like living. But then, as she got deeper into what Enka really is, she found a further reward. Enka was not just sadness, it was the song of someone who has accepted their sadness and are able to not only live with it, but even extract some sweetness out of the whole experience of life, both good and bad. To do this, she realized she had to completely accept her fate with all her heart. As she got closer and closer to this ideal, it changed her life. The icy knife that twisted in her chest had faded to a dull ache, and the black depression that pulled at her mind faded until it was just a shadow of it's former self.

By the time the first public performance of the school choral group came, she was indeed very good at singing Enka. Not that it made a big hit with the high school students, but it certainly impressed the adults there. And one of them happened to have an uncle who loved Enka and owned a tea house. By the following week she had an agreement to sing there three times a week.

She was now also the president of the music club as well as a star performer with the choral group. All these activities plus studying and homework, kept her very busy indeed. And the busier she was, the less she missed her Sakura-chan.

The high and low point of her day was late in the evening when she would answer her daily email from Sakura. For an hour or more, it was almost like being with the girl she loved so much, listening to her chatter about small happenings at her house and at school. It was painful when she would talk about Syaoran and how they were dating, but with her new attitude of resignation she could tell herself that she was happy that all was going well with Sakura's life and very nearly make herself believe it. So for the most part, she was able to draw some real pleasure out of chatting with the one she loved so much.

Then as the Christmas break came closer, she felt a wonderful excitement growing inside her. *Soon I will be able to see and touch Sakura-chan. Which will be sweet indeed, even though she will never be mine.* These sort of thoughts generated sweet daydreams which, of course, had a habit of distracting her from her schoolwork from time to time but no real harm was done to her grades, as she finished the term close to the top of her class.

Then it had arrived. She was actually on her way home. And Sakura had insisted on meeting her at the train station. Tomoyo was so excited and nervous that she couldn't even read the book she had brought. All she could think of was the fact that in a little while she would have her arms around her Sakura.

As the train pulled into the station, she was up and waiting for the doors to open. Then as soon as they did, she was out and looking around. Finding them wasn't a problem, as she easily spotted the sign held high by one of her mom's bodyguards. And when she got closer she caught a glimpse of the tall girl with the short hair that meant so much to her. For what was likely the first time in her life she actually pushed people out of the way in her eagerness to get to Sakura. And then she was there and went right into her Sakura's open arms. As she held her love, she thrilled at the feel of Sakura's strong arms holding her tightly. But then she felt Sakura's lips on her neck. And then her cheek. A powerful urge flooded her mind, she could turn her head just a little and... *NO! I must not! I must protect her! From me...* She froze as the feelings crashed in her head, unable to move and nearly unable to think.

Chapter 3

As Sakura felt Tomoyo stiffen, she realized what she had been doing. *Oh, I've embarrassed her! I really got carried away. And in public too!* She instantly let go of Tomoyo and pulled back to a proper distance. "I'm sorry, Tomoyo-chan!" she automatically said as she looked down at Tomoyo's face. But Tomoyo looked like she was sick or something. "Tomoyo? Are you all right? Would you like to sit down?"

"No. Thank you. I'm fine." Tomoyo managed to speak as she got some of her control back. "It's wonderful to see you again, Sakura-chan." Her words sounded stiff in her ears but Sakura was too excited to notice. Her mother on the other hand, was watching her carefully and had a good idea as to just why her daughter was so troubled. For a moment she regretted what she had done, but as it was too late now, she could only hope it did more good than harm.

It was okay, Tomoyo told herself, to just look at her love, and remind herself what a beautiful young woman she had grown into. She was almost four inches taller than Tomoyo now, with a trim athletic build unlike Tomoyo's softer and more curvy figure. Her hair wasn't much longer than it had been in grade school, but a little darker and more red. Her beautiful green eyes still sparkled when she smiled and she was smiling a lot now. She was so beautiful she took Tomoyo's breath away.

"Is that the only bag you have Dear?" Sonomi politely asked, interrupting her daughters staring. When Tomoyo tore her gaze away from Sakura she nodded at her mom, made sure her bodyguard had her bag, and followed her mom to the waiting car.

Sakura was right behind her and got into the back of the car before Tomoyo could move over to give her room. So for a second she felt Sakura's body held tightly against her again, and again it took her breath away.

By the time she had given the Cardmistress her half of the seat, Sakura was already chattering excitedly. Poor Tomoyo's situation was so overwhelming, she could hardly think. She had her Sakura-chan right beside her, and clutching her hand as though she might slip away if Sakura didn't hold on tight.

Then suddenly, Sakura said something that registered and caused her to very rudely interrupt Sakura's continuous chatter. "You're staying over tonight?" Tomoyo managed to get out with a strained voice.

"YES! Isn't it wonderful! Your mom invited me and my dad said it would be fine, so I don't have to go home tonight at all. I've got a suitcase in the trunk with everything I need. So we can be together. Just the two of us, like when we were in grade school." Sakura finished with a happy sigh.

Tomoyo was stunned. She had planned to keep her distance from Sakura, so she could more easily maintain her control and not interfere in any way with Sakura's relationship with Syaoran. But as she looked at the girl she loved so much, who was practically bouncing up and down with excitement, she realized there was no way she could tell Sakura that she didn't want her to spend the night. And it was her own mother who had set this trap for her. She glared at the back of Sonomi's head for a moment and then took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. *Oh well, it's too late now to be angry with mom. I know she loves me and means well, but there is no way she could understand my feelings for Sakura. So I must fight this alone. And I can do it! I am much stronger now than I was when I left.* She told herself firmly. *I can now enjoy being with Sakura without making any attempt to be more than just a friend to her.* With this thought Tomoyo relaxed a bit and began actually listening to what Sakura was saying.

She was talking about when she went to the zoo with Syaoran. *She must have forgotten she told me all about that trip in an email last week. But of course that doesn't matter a bit. I would rather listen to her chatter about nothing than listen to the finest music in the world.*

XXX

"Perhaps you would like to go up to your room and rest a while dear?" Sonomi asked her daughter as they came into the mansion they lived in. Tomoyo quickly agreed and headed for her room with Sakura close behind her, followed by her bodyguard, Aoi who was carrying both their bags.

After washing her hands and face, Tomoyo realized that she was very tired indeed. *The strain of all this must be worse than I thought.* "Sakura-chan? Do you mind if I lay down while we talk?"

"Go ahead. You still look like you aren't feeling well." Sakura answered as Tomoyo climbed into her bed and stretched out on the lavender silk quilt. Sakura was taken for a moment with how grown up and how very beautiful her Tomoyo-chan looked with her long dark hair fanned out on the pillow contrasting with her ivory skin and deep blue eyes. Then instead of sitting on the soft chair by the wall, she wheeled the desk chair over to Tomoyo's bed, sat as close to her as she could, and took her hand again.

Tomoyo felt the warm glow that came from the tall girls touch and let it drive out all other thoughts and feelings for a while. But then it dawned on her that Sakura had never held her hand so desperately before she had gone away. It seemed that Sakura had in fact missed her as much as she had been saying in her emails, and this worried Tomoyo. *Coming here was a mistake! She is much too attached to me! I can't let myself interfere with her relationship with Syaoran. I really should have made up some excuse to stay at school over Christmas. I should have realized from her emails that her feelings for me were much too strong. Perhaps I shouldn't have answered her emails so promptly... But how could I ignore her?* These thoughts were very painful, but they reminded her of the new attitude she had learned from her Enka singing. *She is not mine. She will never be mine. But I can be her friend. And love her as a friend. She loves Syaoran and will one day marry him. And he will love her and protect her. She will be happy with her Magic Prince. And I will be happy just knowing that she is happy. There is no reason to feel any pain.* She went through her usual mantra and it worked yet again. She felt calm and relaxed at last. Resigned to her sad fate.

It went surprisingly well for a while; almost like being eleven again. Then suddenly she realized that she had agreed to share a bath with Sakura just like they used to. She felt the strain building as they undressed, but with Sakura's innocent chatter, she managed to keep herself under control, until...she found herself washing Sakura's back. The touch of her loves smooth skin sent tingles through her fingers and stirred feelings of passion in her body. Her mantra didn't help with this at all. Her body cried out for Sakura and it would not be stilled. All she could do is bite her lip until the pain cleared her head. *This is impossible! I can't do it! I must get away until I can regain my control!* "I'm sorry but I am feeling very sick. I must lie down. Go ahead and finish your bath. I will see you later." With this excuse she quickly dried her wet hands and practically ran from the wash room. Grabbing her robe, she put it on as she went through the door into the hall. In a matter of seconds she was back in her room with the door closed. *Please Sakura! Please stay away! PLEASE!* she screamed in her mind as she slipped out of her robe and under the covers on her bed. With her head covered by a soft pillow she tried not to think as she shook with her sobs.

Chapter 4

Sakura was stunned by Tomoyo's suddenly saying she was sick and running off, but she was covered with soap, so she had to rinse and dry before she could put on her robe and follow Tomoyo back down the hall to her room.

She hesitated before knocking on Tomoyo's door. *Tomoyo said she would see me later. She wants to rest so I should leave her alone. But she is sick! I can't just leave her in there by herself!* "Tomoyo? Are you all right?" she called through the door.

"Yes! I'm just tired. I'll take a short nap and I should be all right. I'll see you in just a little while."

It was clear to Sakura that Tomoyo didn't want her to come in, but she had to do something. *I'll tell her mom. Maybe she can do something for her.* As she turned to go downstairs she nearly ran into another of Tomoyo's bodyguards. She tried and failed to remember the woman's name, so she just blurted out that Tomoyo was feeling sick and didn't want her to go in. "I need to find Sonomi-sama and tell her about Tomoyo!"

"No need. I will pass the word to her. Did you hear what Sakura-san said?" she continued as if speaking to someone else. As Sakura puzzled over this odd behavior she bodyguard spoke again. "Sonomi-sama has been informed of Tomoyo-sama's apparent illness and is on her way up here."

*Of course! They must have two way radios, so they are always in touch with each other.* As Sakura hesitated, trying to make up her mind, what to do, Sonomi showed up. *That was certainly fast! Of course. She is Tomoyo's mother and as worried about her as I am.*

Sonomi hesitated a moment as it came to her what her daughters sickness might be. "Sakura-chan? If you would like to wait down in the television room I will be down shortly to let you know how Tomoyo is. Akira-san? Please show Sakura-chan to the Television room and see that she has any drinks or snacks she wishes."

Sakura didn't like being sent away when Tomoyo was sick. It was like Tomoyo's mom didn't trust her. But, of course she had no choice whatsoever, so she followed the lady in the black suit downstairs.

Once Sakura was gone, Sonomi quietly knocked on her daughter's door and announced herself. Then without waiting for an answer, she went in. She found her daughter with her face buried in a pillow crying softly. As she sat in the chair that Sakura had left by the bed she spoke. "You must love her very very much to be so hurt by her mere presence." When Tomoyo didn't say anything, she continued. "You do love her as much more than a friend, don't you?" And then she waited for her daughter to answer and as always she finally did.

Showing Sonomi her teary face she spoke softly. "Yes. I love her. But she loves Syaoran and he is the right one for her."

"Perhaps that is true, and perhaps it isn't. But isn't it up to Sakura to decide who she loves?"

"But I don't want to confuse her! She's not like me. She's normal and I don't want her to doubt that!"

"I suspect that she already doubts it. She can't help it. She loves you very much. Perhaps as just as a friend, or perhaps as something more, but it is up to her to figure that out. You aren't doing anyone any good by trying to make decisions for her. She needs to decide this for herself."

"It is up to me to tell her how I feel. And no one else! Please do not interfere in this Mother. It is my life not yours. Please!"

Sonomi thought about her answer before speaking. "I will not tell Sakura how you feel about her at this time. That is all I can promise." Then she continued before Tomoyo could protest. "So what should I tell her about your 'sickness'?"

"Tell her I have the flu. I am too sick to have company, so she will have to go home."

"You are really going to keep pushing her away then." Sonomi said with some wonder in her voice. That is a big mistake! I know!"

"I am not you Mother!" Tomoyo said very firmly as she looked her mother in the eye.

*She sounds so mature, and so determined...* Sonomi thought to herself.

"And Sakura isn't Nadeshiko-san. Don't try to use me to fix your own mistakes!" This hit Sonomi where it hurt the most and for a moment she couldn't even speak. Then her face hardened and she stood up.

"Very well. I will send her home. But I will not play the villain. I will tell her that it is you who does not wish to see her." Tomoyo quickly realized that this would indeed be best. She really needed to push Sakura away and make it clear to her that she didn't love her. No matter what the pain. As soon as the door shut behind her mother she went back to crying in her pillow.

*It must be! Sakura must have a perfect happy life. And to do that she needs her magic Prince. I will not risk her happiness for anything! No matter what the pain I have to endure. This is the way it must be!*

But after crying for an hour or so, her pain had eased enough so she could think again. She remembered her Enka attitude and meditated on it for a long time before she finally felt the peace and quiet resignation that it brought. Being with Sakura had shattered her control and brought the pain back. *It seems I can't be close to her. I must not see her ever again! It is the only way I can survive...*

Chapter 5

After Sakura had gone home Tomoyo got back up, took her bath, and went down for dinner. Since she was answering Sonomi's attempts at conversation with little more than single word answers, her mom decided this would be a bad time to mention Sakura...

After dinner Tomoyo excused herself and went up to her room. She tried to do some studying but was unable to concentrate, so she watched some educational things on her television and then did some email for a while. But later, as she tried to put down what had happened in her diary she felt the tears coming again, so she stopped, got ready for bed and watched some more television. It was a distraction, and she knew she really needed a distraction for a while. But the 'while' turned into rather a long time. It was two in the morning before she gave up watching and tried to sleep; but no sleep came. All she could think about was Sakura. *It had been a terrible mistake letting Sakura talk me into sharing the bath. We aren't little kids anymore, and...and she is everything I ever wanted... How can I expect to control myself under such tempting circumstances? I had been doing all right before the bath incident though and now that I am back under control I should be able to handle being with Sakura again. And I really want to spend as much time with her as I can before I have to go back to her school... I just have to be careful, that's all.* Once she had made this decision she began to actually relax and feel just how tired she was. And in little more than a minute she was asleep.

The following morning she not only failed to wake up at her usual six o'clock, she was still sleeping when Sakura called at eight.

"Sakura-chan?" she managed to mumble.

"Tomoyo-chan! Are you feeling better? I was so worried, I couldn't sleep. You do feel better don't you?" Now Tomoyo was really awake and remembering what she had decided the night before.

"Yes, I do feel better. Much better. I think I was just really tired. But I am fine now."

"May I come over and see you?" Sakura asked hesitantly. Tomoyo thought about this for a moment before answering.

"I have a better idea. Why don't you call Syaoran and see if the three of us can get together and do something today?" After a moments hesitation, Sakura agreed and in a couple of hours, the three of them were in Tomoyo's car with Aoi driving. It was a pleasant enough day, and Tomoyo got her confidence back. Her control was working well, and she was actually having fun. *Sakura-chan and Syaoran are really cute together. He is even more shy than she is!* That night Tomoyo decided it was going to work. She had proven to herself that she could maintain her control even while spending hours with Sakura. *Now if I can just maintain this control when I am alone with her, I should be able to stay here and enjoy my visit. I can always say I'm sick if I start to lose it again.*

So Tomoyo stayed and did manage to get some real enjoyment out of spending Christmas with her Sakura-chan Her secret was to include Syaoran whenever possible and concentrate on her plan for the two of them. On her way back to school she congratulated herself on her wonderful control, and then started crying. She told herself that it was just the relief of letting go her control for a while. It felt good to just relax and cry. She was safe from Sakura now, and she knew that Aoi would take care of her safety from others. So she cried all the way back to her apartment.