Everyone who plays video games knows the story of the Princess Zelda, the King of Evil, and the Hero of Time. How the Hero traveled forwards, backwards, and sideways through a seven-year period in order to save the land of Hyrule. But what if Ganon got wind of his upcoming demise? Why shouldn't he have known- he IS the King of Evil, he should've had at least one fortune-teller on staff....
"So, you're saying that that one of those little people in fairy clothes is going to kill me?"
"Do you realize you're the thirty-eighth person to predict that?"
Kotake paused for a moment before forming a reply. "Yes, your excellency."
Ganondorf simply cracked his knuckles. If for no other reason than survival, Koume saw fit to start talking at this point. "Sir, we could stop this child."
It there was one thing that Ganondorf, King of The Gerudo, hated most, it'd have to be obstacles. So anything that could eliminate said obstacle would be a goddess-send. "I'm listening."
Koume continued her train of thought- "If we could render the child unable to rise against you, then there wouldn't be a problem."
Her sister nodded. "One of our potions could do the job."
This definitely had the tall future-villain-of-all-games-involving-Zelda intrigued. "Go on... how long would making such a diabolical item take?"
The twin sorceresses looked at each other and claimed the following.
His eyes narrowed. "Any other bright ideas?"
"Um... throw a bunch of monsters at the child and hope they take the little fairy boy out?"
Ganondork- I'm sorry, Ganondorf- cracked a rare smile. "For your sakes, let's hope that the latter takes care of him."
The two witches walked out of their master's tent. It was going to be a long trip to Hyrule Castle to meet with the King...
It had been seven years since that fateful day.
Seven years since Link, the Hero of Time, pulled the Master Sword from its stone.
Seven years since Ganondorf came into possession of the Triforce of Power.
And it'd been seven years since that boy had become a real pain in that man's ass.
Waking up to find that Hyrule Castle had become a madman's hideaway was unpleasant enough. Finding out that the land Zelda made him promise to protect had gone from nice to "hell-in-a-hand-basket" wasn't a good pick-me-up either.
Link looked at Sheik. The blonde ninja had been a sort of way to catch up on what he'd missed while in hibernation ala Rip Van Winkle. A sort of necessary exposition, if you will. The ninja'd been mum thus far on one subject, however.
"What happened to the Princess?"
Sheik became as stiff as a piece of wood for a moment before loosening up again. "She found someone."
That was a sobering slap in the face. Navi, who'd been hovering around Link's head the entire conversation, suddenly stepped in. "Who?"
Link could've sworn he saw Sheik blush. "She fell in love with one of the Gerudo. Her name was Nabooru."
If Navi had a visible mouth, it would've dropped six feet two inches to the ground. She'd suspected that Zelda swung that way ever since the two had met, but she could never prove it.
Meanwhile, the cogs in Link's head finally started to turn- for all the puzzle solving that Link had to do in those dungeons, he was a dimwit at affairs of the heart. Everyway that Zelda had acted during the first time they met. The way she blushed when the serving girl brought her some water, her shyness around Impa- it all finally made sense.
One flash of blinding light later, Sheik was gone.
After a great deal of dungeon crawling, time traveling, and general drudgery, Link had awakened almost all of the Sages that could bring Ganondorf's rule to an end. And it was finally time to slay the witches Kotake and Koume and get the final medallion. Their little show of merging into one body of fire and ice was an intriguing trick, but nothing that Link's Mirror Shield couldn't handle.
As Twinrova fell to the ground, Link finally sheathed his sword. It hadn't been an easy fight- that fairy he'd kept in one of his bottles had saved his skin. He could still remember Kotake and Koume dragging Nabooru off. He hadn't realized it, but he'd pulled double-duty in this dungeon. Not only was it the usual beat the boss affair, but if Sheik had been telling the truth, then he owed it to Zelda to save her.
If the two were destined to be together, then he'd be fine with it.
He wasn't one to get into the way of love. His job was to make sure there'd still be a place for love in the world. That was the way of the hero.
After jumping into the- sixth? eighth? He'd lost count- circle of teleporting light, he found himself in the Sage's Sanctum- the one place left in the Golden Realm that hadn't been lost to the darkness of Ganondorf's wicked wish.
The yellow circle on the floor shone a brilliant light, and Link knew what was coming next.
Nabooru, in all her scantily clad glory, rose from beneath the floor to stand on it. She looked the Hero over. He had grown into a fine man- still wearing the green Kokiri clothes he'd become known for, but no longer the scrawny young boy she remembered. He was muscular, smart, courageous- or something you might find in any two-bit action movie nowadays.
"Link, thanks to you, I've been awakened as the Sage of Spirit."
She was about to continue her congratulations and hand Link her medallion when Link started speaking. "Um...Nabooru? Is it true? That you and Zelda-"
She nodded. "Yes. We did fall in love. Shortly after I was imprisoned, Zelda started to project herself into my mind every now and then to keep me sane, and it just went from there. So what Sheik told you was right." Link blinked. "You get filled in on those kind of things when you become a Sage."
Navi floated over to the newly proclaimed Sage. "When all of this is over, will you two finally get to be together?"
Once again, Nabooru nodded. "I haven't seen her since I went off searching for those Silver Gauntlets. I'm coming back to be with her once things settle down."
She saw a bit of regret take Link. "Now, Link, I'm sure you'll find someone. You've got Ruto-"
Link cringed a little bit. "No. Just no. WAY too clingy."
Nabooru pondered for a moment. "Impa?"
"We're more like siblings."
"Thanks, but no thanks."
Nabooru chuckled a little. "Rauru?"
Link cringed again. "I like girls. Besides, it sounds like some kind of twisted fanfiction."
A bright light enveloped Link just then. Time to go.
As everything went white, he could hear Nabooru's sagely advice echoing in his head.
"You'll find your someone, Link. I know I have."
She could feel her life slipping away.
Twinrova lay dying on that stone platform. Her breaths were staggered now. Her muscles ached with pain.
An Iron Knuckle entered the room carrying a glass bottle filled with a sickeningly greenish-purple concoction. His voice was guttural and rough, and spoke very little. He kneeled, and simply said,
"It is ready."
Twinrova looked at her potion-wielding minion. Has it been that long already?
"Take it.... to our... Ki...ng..."
Her head hit the floor, and she never spoke word through that body ever again.
The Iron Knuckle walked out of the room, prepared to follow his master's final orders.
Trying to slay Ganondorf without Navi's help had been hard enough. Trying to escape the crumbling castle with Sheik/Zelda at his side had been another handful. But the deed had been done. Ganon's Castle was no more.
Next thing Link knew, he was trapped in a ring of fire at least twelve feet high, with no Master Sword, and Zelda outside the magical barrier. There was a great rumbling in the earth, and a giant pig-esque monstrosity emerged from the rubble of the castle. It looked around for a moment, then found Link. The symbol of the Triforce could be found on one of its hands.
Link put two and two together and figured out that Ganondorf had somehow returned. Regardless, he wouldn't be able to win if he had no "sword of evil's bane". As the monster charged toward him, he searched frantically through his pack to find something to weaken him long enough to get his sword back.
The Light Arrows? No, Zelda was holding his bow and quiver.
Deku Nuts? Ganon would be too smart for that.
Ganon began to bum rush the panicked hero.
Not the bombs...
Not Din's Fire...
Not the Longshot...
He couldn't use the Boomerang or the Slingshot as an adult... (Why? He had no idea.)
Ganon raised his arms, prepared to crush Link in a massive bear hug.
Just as suddenly as Link had started panicking, he stopped. He pulled out the giant hammer he'd found in Death Mountain, and stood at the ready.
Ganon was only just eight feet away at this point. Link took the initiative and rolled forward, avoiding a crushing blow. Ganon couldn't react fast enough to stop Link, and kept going forward. As Link rolled between his legs, his Megaton Hammer made contact with the region where the great beast's genitalia would've been.
Whether or not they were still there, the hit still had the same effect- Ganon doubled over in pain. The ring of fire suddenly died down. Link knew this would be his only chance. He made a mad dash to the place where his sword landed, and picked it up. Zelda handed him his bow and arrow, and the Hero ran back into the fray.
Ganon finally got back up, and made another run at Link. This time, Link decided to shoot a Light Arrow at him. He shot the arrow, but he was a little off to the left. Before he could get another shot off, Ganon had him in his grasp.
The Great King lifted Link off his feet three feet into the air.
Rauru simply shook his head. 'He'll be choked to death unless he can do something.'
Saria, now sixteen in appearance, found herself shaking with fear next to the Princess of the Zora, Ruto.
Impa, Nabooru, and Darunia simply looked on, waiting for Link to make his move.
Ganon suddenly stopped, letting Link go. In retrospect, Link should've just gone for the kill right there, but the finger snap that Ganon made gave him pause.
The last Iron Knuckle came out of nowhere and smashed the glass bottle that he'd been given into the back of Link's head.
Link felt slightly dazed, partly from the impact and partly from amazement that one of those bulky Iron Knuckles had managed to sneak up on him. Regardless, he could deal with that in a heartbeat. He kicked the Iron Knuckle in the gut, toppling the giant into the flaming river of lava surrounding the castle. He took his sword in hand, and got a glint in his eye resembling a mix of Hannibal Lecter, Jason Voorhees, and Leatherface.
Darunia turned away from the ensuing massacre, saying that he couldn't stomach it.
When he turned back around, he saw Link, impaling Ganon's head on the point of his sword (for massive damage). A bright light began to envelop Link's sword. He turned his head to the Sages, sweat dripping from his forehead.
One by one, the seven Sages raised their hands, light beginning to emit from them. As the light began to shoot toward the thief-turned-king-with-God-complex-monster, his eyes shot wide open. One anti-climactic flash of white light later, he was gone.
Link fell on his knees in exhaustion, beginning to drink his last Red Potion. 'I'm going to need a hell of a lot more than a Potion,' he thought, 'to get rid of this massive headache.'
Saria ran to his side and hugged the Hero. "You did it! You finally did it!"
Link grinned, and looked at her, and noticed something...different about his childhood friend. "You've... grown up!"
He wasn't lying. By some twist of fate, Saria had grown up since he'd left her in the Chamber of Sages. 'But Kokiri don't grow up...'
"Link? Are you okay? You don't look so good."
He felt something creep up his throat, ran to the edge of the rock, and lost his lunch.
Walking, no, stumbling back to the Sages, he shrugged. "I really... don't feel so good." And with that, he collapsed.
The remaining Sages ran to his side. After some initial confusion, Impa took charge. "Okay, stand back everyone! I actually know some things about medicine."
The other six Sages rose their voices in protest, but were quickly silenced by Impa's hand.
"Cold sweat... fever... unstable breathing... It's like he's having a really bad dream." She gave him a good look over before noticing some blood dripping off of his blonde locks. She spotted something shiny in there as well-
Ruto had been patient long enough. "Impa, what on earth is wrong with him?"
Impa stood up, holding a piece of glass between her index finger and her thumb. "I think that Iron Knuckle used a potion on him. Skin-absorbent, I'd guess."
"And it's killing him?"
Impa froze for a brief moment as she looked back at the Hero. "Not quite..."
Ruto was about to shoot off another question when she noticed it as well. "Is Link shrinking?"
The Sage of Shadow put her ear against his upper chest to listen to his heartbeat. 'Still erratic- wha?' Her thought process was stopped short by the newfound presence of two 'pillows', as a drunk would put it.
And Impa wasn't the only one to notice- Darunia noticed it as well. "Why does Brother have breasts now?"
"This won't end well."