Wait for Me
It hurts, Himemiya. It hurts so much. How could you have stood this pain
for so long, my love? Yes, 'my love'... I know now that's what you are to
me, though it took a million swords to make me realize it. A million
swords... I never would have thought it possible for just one body to hold
so many blades. But I can feel them now, grating under my skin, grinding
against eachother, screaming out their hatred in a constant roar. A million
of them. Inside of me. Through me. They pierce my flesh, they taste my
blood, they send my nerves into such a frenzy that I can't even comprehend
the pain I'm in... And I'm glad. I'm glad... because you're safe. How long
did you know this agony for? Too long... One second is too long. And I've
taken it away from you. I haven't failed after all. I would smile were my
mouth not completely destroyed by now. Joy wells in my shredded heart,
celebrating the knowledge that I truly am your prince. I was so afraid when
I saw you fall... I thought surely I had failed you. And then... then they
came for me... filling my flesh... rupturing me at every angle... spilling
my blood... tearing me apart... raping my fragile body as they had yours for
so long...
I would scream if I still had lungs.
What am I now? I am beyond deformity. I am blood and powdered bone and
mangled flesh and sword and sword and sword and sword... I am splintered and
torn. I am a broken thing... a *thing*. I am no longer human. Have we traded
places, Anthy, my love? Have I traded life for eternity and left you to live
in my stead? If this is so, I hope that your life is as good as mine was
before all this happened. I'm not complaining... I would give up a thousand
wonderful lives like I used to have before we met for just one more day with
you. One more day... That would be enough for me. Just one more day, just
long enough to tell you how much you mean to me and to try to explain it so
that you will understand. But perhaps you understand already... You already
know what it means to sacrifice yourself to the swords of humanity's hatred
to protect someone you love. And, no, I'm not mad about him.. A bit jealous
is all. After all, he existed by your side for all those years... and he had
your love. You threw it all away for him, as I did for you... You didn't
know what he would become. I don't hold you to blame. I love you too much to
hate you for something that wasn't your fault. I love you too much to hate
you for anything at all. I wish I could tell you.. And maybe, if I can find
half your strength and courage once the swords are done with me physically,
I will.
Will you wait for me, Anthy-san? Will you wait for my wounds to heal, for
tears to wash away my blood, for me to find you once more? It's so rare to
find true love once; I suppose the thing that scares me most is healing but
never finding you again. Death wouldn't be so bad; if I were dead I wouldn't
have to live with the regret of not realizing it sooner, of not telling you
sooner. So please wait for me... I will be strong for you, heal for you,
search the world over for you, so please wait for me.. Please wait for me,
and try to understand the love I have for you... I am never alone as long as
I have thoughts of you. If I were alone I don't think I could stand it. If
it weren't for my love of you, my thoughts of you, I think I would lose my
mind...
It's strange.. I always assumed that the mind must be housed in the brain.
But I suppose that can't be true, for I am constantly thinking of you and
can feel my mind alive with activity while my brain has been all but
disintegrated by the repeated asaults upon it. Doesn't it *hurt*, the death
of each internal structure? No, not even death... Death is far too civilized
a word. My insides have been ripped apart, devoured by the blood-lusting
greed of humanity's hatred, ravaged and tattered, mangled beyond possible
recognition. My heart is now composed of blood-soaked scraps of tissues
crushed around sword blades that have stolen the warmth of my life force
into their formerly cold metal bodies. It barely exists at all anymore. My
love for you has no barriers, no heart to contain it. It's a beautiful
thought... in a deeply disturbing and twisted way.
Oh, Anthy, wait for me. I don't want to keep this love to myself forever.
I can't bear the thought of suffering alone for all eternity, all alone,
with only my memories, my pain, my longing for you.. My physical wounds are
going to heal, aren't they? My flesh will knit itself back together, my
limbs and organs reforming, blood once again flowing, contained, beneath my
skin.. When I can walk again, I will start my journey. When I can see again,
I will find you. When I can hear again, I will seek out your voice. And when
I can live again, I will live for you. When my heart beats again, it will
beat for you and you alone. I will find you, and I will surrender my heart
and soul to you. I will find you, and I will let you learn to love me as I
love you. I am healing, Anthy-chan... Please wait for me.
Back to Revolutionary Girl Utena Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction