Softer than the Cruel
Credit where credit is due: "Faithless Love" is a really wonderful
song...I have no idea who wrote it but you can find it on Bernadette
Peter's album "I'll Be Your Baby Tonight"
The poetry: is all mine don't steal it. Some of it is from my high
school days.
Comments: are all welcome. give me your best shot. if you don't tell me
i'll keep writing. how can i know i suck if no one tells me so.
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The music room was an empty shell filled only with avant-garde shadows
made by the red setting sun and a baby grand piano that sat neatly in
the center of the room. Invading the loneliness of the space were two
girls. The taller of the two smirked as the shorter girl, light violet
hair and innocent violet colored eyes, whispered into her ear. Deep
blue eyes shut for a moment and then the taller of the two whispered
something back that made the shorter girl blush with excitement. The
girl with the innocent eyes smiled and whispered an unexpected
response.
“Sometimes”, the taller girl stated softly. “I’m quite sure you’re more
wicked than I am, Shiori.”
The shorter girl stepped back and shrugged with a deep sigh. A cunning
smile spread across her face as she closed her eyes and listened to the
emptiness around her. Just in the distance a familiar footfall could be
heard approaching. Shiori beamed, “Someone’s coming, Kozue.”
Kouze stepped back towards the piano, brushed a stray strand of ocean
blue hair from her eyes and waited for Shiori to come to her. The girl
with the ocean blue hair smiled thinly as Shiori stepped close and
wrapped delicate arms around her. It was a mild embrace that was made
closer as Shiori heard the door creak open. The violet-eyed girl took
Kozue into a shallow kiss and waited. The light footsteps of a fencer
clicked into the room and stopped with sudden urgency. Shiori opened
her eyes to catch sight of the intruder. She made sure to make clear
eye contact. Kozue could almost feel Shiori smiling and so, feeling it
her cue…Kozue pulled Shiori just a little closer, and made the kiss
just a little deeper. Violet eyes watched with glee as the intruder,
light auburn ringlets framing a paled face, blue-green eyes burning
with sadness, turned and stiffly walked out of the room. It was meant
to hurt. It was meant to sting and burn deeply. It was a weapon of the
cruelest design and Shiori wielded it well. As the door shut the girls
broke the embrace. Shiori had a slight smile across her innocent
looking face. Kozue could have easily mistaken that smile for sweetness
if she didn’t know any better.
“You’re sure she won’t say anything”, Kozue asked merely as a
precaution. “I do have my reputation.”
“Hmph”, Shiori’s smile slipped away, “Trust me. No one will ever know.
We all have our reputations.”
Kozue was satisfied with the answer. She watched as Shiori left the
music room and wondered what the girl’s true intent was, because there
was cruelty and then there was total devastation. Kozue let the matter
pass though. She had her own cruelty to dispense, but she noted that
she should stay on Shiori’s good side.
So…
So pretty
When there is sadness in your eyes
You’re so lovely
With loneliness in your soul
You’re just more beautiful to me
And I’m the lucky one
Because I’m the only one
Who ever really sees
You’re so pretty
You’re so beautiful
But only when I hurt you
And you let me hurt you
“Next!!!!”
The image was burning in her mind. Perhaps it was just foolish to
believe that she was free from such want.
“Next!”
Juri was dispatching more competitors today than she had in her entire
career as a fencer.
“Next!”
Perhaps she was trying too hard to forget that she was hurt.
“Next!”
Perhaps she shouldn’t depend on fencing to relieve her frustration.
“Next!”
But she didn’t know what else to do.
“Next!”
The girl stepped up to the fencing track. Juri observed her strong and
light stance. She noted very clearly the way the fencing foil dangled
limply in the girl’s right hand. It took less effort to disarm the girl
and win the duel than to say the single word that shot fear through her
fellow fencers. The girl was about to shrink off the fencing track, but
Juri watched carefully as the girl went to pick up the fallen fencing
foil. The girl used her left hand.
“Wait”, the command was strong but there was softness in her tone that
had been missing since practice had started. “Wait. Come back.”
The girl looked over at the captain.
“Try again”, Juri stated. “This time… use your left hand.”
The girl took her place once again. Juri checked the girl’s stance. It
was still light but strong. Juri moved her eyes to the girl’s left
hand. Much better, she thought to her self. The girl held the foil with
more confidence and a much better grip. It took longer for Juri to
defeat the girl this time. As the girl stepped off the track for the
second time Juri removed her mask and remarked, “Your right hand needs
to be stronger. Practice with your right for an hour longer than your
left.”
The girl smiled and walked into a group of her friends with relief.
“Next.”
The word hit the air much softer than it had before. But any sense of
calm left as Juri watched Shiori step up. The girl across from Juri
smiled innocently and slipped her mask on. Juri refrained from sneering
and pulled her mask over her head. No one really noticed what she did
next, and Juri really didn’t realize she had done it either. But as
Shiori prepared her self, Juri slipped the foil into her left hand. It
was really an affront to Shiori’s talent. If the cruelly innocent
looking girl had taken care to notice she would have been offended.
Perhaps it was the burning image eating at her soul, and perhaps it
wasn’t intentional but Juri took Shiori out of the game in just one
move. One single stroke of Juri’s sword, with her weak hand, and Shiori
was beaten.
“Next!”
Shiori stepped off the fencing track and watched Juri take out her next
three opponents with ease. Violet eyes lingered on the fencing
captain’s face as she removed her mask. A cruelly innocent smirk was
planted on her face. Juri was strong and she always would be. But even
if Juri could hide her true feelings from the rest of the world Shiori
knew…Juri just couldn’t hide from her.
I dwell on the feeling I had lost
I dwell on that memory like it was my only truth
I’m not so weak I can’t move on
I’m not so shocked I can’t breath
But I’m so much more breakable than you care to notice
So much more lost than you will know
Don’t think just because I let you slip away
That your smile doesn’t hurt my heart
Don’t think your laughter doesn’t cause me pain
I dwell on this feeling I thought I had lost
And it kills me
The warmth of the water embraced her but she felt no comfort. She was
angry with her self for dwelling on something she thought she had let
go of. The past was gone. The past was nothing and there was no reason
why she should feel anything but total disgust at what Shiori had done.
So why did it hurt so much? She couldn’t explain it. Steam filled the
bathroom and sat like a heavy fog around her. It was going to be a long
night. Juri stepped out of the shower and the cold air from her bedroom
hit her slowly. She combed out her hair and put on her nightgown. She
tried to sleep but as usual found she could not. Her mind was racing
with a million things. What she had walked in on implied too many
things. It opened to many doors and Juri wasn’t sure how to close them.
If Ruka were still alive he could have told her all the reasons why
Shiori should just be cast aside like an insect. Then Juri could try to
beat him to a pulp and as he laughed at her for becoming so angry she
could laugh too. Blue-green eyes closed and a small smile formed on her
lips. She had always hated Ruka for being so conniving, but she missed
his honesty. She missed having someone around to shove her nose in the
truth. She wished they hadn’t parted on such sour terms. “It’ll be all
right” he had said “Don’t worry”. But she did worry. She worried
because what she thought was gone and lost forever was only buried and
waiting to consume her again. Juri sat up in her bed and looked out her
window. The moon was hiding behind clouds. She wondered if it would
rain soon. With or with out the rain, a storm was coming and she could
feel it creeping.
Sometimes I worry for nothing
I don't know what to do when it starts to come to you
And I refuse to let you take me to where I once was
My past is buried for a reason
Lost in the ashes of a forgotten season
Misplaced in the dust of a trampled sky
I am left but to wonder
How my heart was stolen
And why I refuse to breakdown
And cry
Days washed by like empty seasons and Juri found the strength to bury
the burn of the image of Shiori and Kozue locked in a kiss. She
convinced her self that it was meant to hurt and while it had been very
affective she just couldn’t succumb to it any longer. She walked with
steady purpose into the lunchroom and sat across from Miki almost
expressionless for a moment. He was full of some good cheer. His blue
eyes flashing with brilliance as he discussed his up coming piano
competition. Juri was happy for the good company but as usual she kept
that note to her self. As lunch waned Juri managed a smile or to while
she listened to Miki speak, but she lost her smile as she saw Kozue
approaching.
“And what is my brother up to today”, Kozue asked lightly as she
approached.
Miki sighed and looked up at as his twin with a forced smile. “Nothing
really”, he mentioned. “Just getting ready for the competition.”
Kozue nodded. She eyed Juri curiously and walked off. Juri tried not to
pay any attention and looked over at Miki who seemed a little worried.
“It’s unlike you to let her bother you like this”, Juri mentioned. “Or
maybe she isn’t what’s bothering you.”
Miki shrugged a little. “Kozue and I had been on good terms for a long
while and then just a few days ago…” Miki paused and looked over at
Juri. “We had a little fight. I’m sure it’s nothing. Brother and sister
quarrels are bound to come up.”
Miki dismissed the matter much too quickly for Juri’s tastes. She let
it go though. She let it slip back into her mind as a thought never to
be recovered. Feeling a need Juri mentioned in passing the up coming
fencing championships and asked politely if Miki was ready for them. As
lunch ended Juri unexpectedly wondered what it was Kozue was hoping to
discover as she walked by. It wouldn’t be hard to find out.
As Kozue walked by one of the various columns at the Ohtori Academy she
heard a very stolid and recognizable voice call to her. She stopped in
her tracks, not bothering to look over her shoulder to see whom it was.
She knew who it was and Kozue was a little surprised it took Juri so
long to talk to her.
“Jealous”, Kozue stated rather glibly.
Juri’s arms were folded around her waist as she leaned up against a
column. She huffed a little and then replied rather flatly, “Why should
I be jealous?”
A small smile stretched across Kozue’s face. Her ocean blue eyes
flashed as she spun around to look at Juri. “How like you to be
concerned for my brother’s feelings”, she said as almost a whisper.
“What do you want?”
“That fight you and your brother had”, Juri said. “It’s really not my
concern. Just tell me one thing Kozue.”
Kozue was never one to back down from a challenge, and Juri seemed to
be just teetering on one. She stepped closer to Juri and waited. Her
ocean blue eyes nearly burning with a challenge of their own.
“What would you like to know Miss Arisugawa”, Kozue asked softly.
“Was it intentional?”
The girl with the deep blue hair didn’t even have to ask what Juri was
referring to. She smiled and whispered into the fencer’s ear. As she
stepped away Kozue noted the oddly stoic manner in which Juri held
herself.
“Well”, Kozue said as she began to walk off. “She was right… So
pretty…”
Given the circumstances Juri contained her self very well. But Juri
couldn’t afford to let anyone see her react. She couldn’t afford to
speak her true feelings or act on her true impulses. She swallowed it
down as if pain were merely water, just liquid death to be consumed and
forgotten.
Beauty lies in the oddest places
It seeps into the skin when least expected
I wonder if you know how beautiful the cruel can be
I wonder if you know how beautiful sorrow looks
And right now…
If I could run to your side and wipe away your tears
I would
If only to place more there
Glimmering like diamonds on your face
If only to have you beg me
I can promise you never
I did promise you never
I wonder how much hurt you can bare
I wonder how long I can give it to you
And still… never break my promise
It was quiet in that special place she had shared with Ruka. At night
it was especially lovely. The moon full and reflecting in the deepness
of the water below her. As she sat there her hand blindly ran across
her chest as if it were searching for something. Juri caught herself
and sighed. It was gone. The locket was destroyed and it was gone. She
only reached for the piece of phantom jewelry when she was really
worried and upset. Her blue-green eyes looked out over the water and
pleaded for refuge, but the stubbornly strong part of her soul would
not allow tears. After Ruka passed away, after Shiori hurt her for the
last time, after the hero had left she swore never again would she
waste her tears.
“Faithless love… like a river flows. Like raindrops falling…on a broken
rose. Down in some valley… where nobody knows. And the night comes in…
like a cold dark wind. Faithless love… like a river flows”, her voice
was soft and a little off key but she sang well. “Faithless
love...Where did I go wrong? Too many stories…Too many hearts…where
nobody is right and nobody was wrong… Faithless love will find you and
the misery entwine you…”
“I didn’t know you sang”, a voice cut in softly.
“I don’t”, Juri sighed. She didn’t turn around. She recognized the
voice behind her, but she wasn’t prepared to see it. “I haven’t sung
since I was eight”, Juri confessed. “She told me once that I shouldn’t
so I stopped.”
“You have a lovely voice”, the person behind her replied. “So?”
Juri sighed and turned around. “It’s you?”
“Yes it is”, the owner of the voice was a tall girl. Bright blue eyes
an inch away from being angelic, with soft pink hair that fell to her
shoulders and made her the kind of person one couldn’t help but be
near. “I had to visit”, she confessed. “Make sure that I hadn’t dreamed
the whole thing.”
Juri smiled and it surprised her greatly. However she remembered that
the girl that was now in front of her had that power about her. Juri
closed her eyes and tried not to cry. “Has Anthy found you yet”, Juri
asked softly.
The girl in front of her smiled. “Is she looking for me”, the girl
asked almost naively. “I had a feeling she might be but…” the girl
looked deeply into Juri’s eyes and shook her head. “Don’t you ever
worry about yourself. I thought I had freed everyone of their chains.”
“Some chains come back on occasion”, Juri muttered.
“Ah! Well…What are you going to do”, the girl said playfully. “You know
you’re the only one who’s having so much trouble.”
Juri huffed a bit. “Really? Is that so?”
“Afraid it is”, the girl replied with a smile. “Nanami is doing great.
Her obsession is no longer the all consuming factor in her life…of
course she’s still a bit of mischief maker but…That’s the way she is.
Miki has is music back as I’m sure you’ve noticed. Touga and Saonji
have graduated but they seem to be doing alright...”
“I can’t believe you checked up on us”, Juri nearly laughed.
The girl with the pink hair started to do some leg stretches and
smiled. “What kind of prince would I be if I didn’t check up on those I
helped on occasion.” the girl looked over at Juri and then said, “Don’t
answer that. Look I can’t stay much longer. I really have other stuff
to be doing, but I noticed you were having some trouble and..."
“Doesn’t the white horse get tired”; Juri quipped.
The girl looked very serious for a minute and it caught Juri’s
attention. “In the two years I’ve been gone you were doing really well.
Who was that nice girl you were dating five months ago?”
“That…”
“Is none of my business I know that. I just thought…”the girl paused.
She was trying hard to find something comforting to say. “Juri… You
live to make her happy, but she’s only happy when you suffer. It isn’t
right. You know you can do better.”
“Your stretching”, Juri said softly. “What are you afraid to tell me
Utena?”
Utena smiled her bright and wonderful eyes full of thought and concern.
“ What’s the worse that could happen if you decided to do one thing for
yourself”, she asked softly.
Juri was speechless. She thought for a long moment and could not come
up with an answer.
“I have to go now”, Utena said sadly. “I have things to do.” The girl
with the bright smile began to walk away.
“Wait”, Juri shouted. It was almost desperate. “Wait Utena!”
Utena turned around with a soft smile.
“What will you do if she finds you”, Juri asked.
“I’ll hold her close. Never let her slip from my hands again… and
together… we’ll shine”, Utena replied.
Juri watched the girl walk away and felt the hero’s strength. That girl
had shown Juri twice that sometimes the real world could be forgotten
and dreams could come true. Every time Juri tried to deny that Utena
proved her wrong.
“What would happen if just once I did something for myself”, Juri asked
herself. She still couldn’t answer the question. But she wanted to… and
she would just have to find out for herself.
Every night
I begged for you
Every night
I longed for your touch
Every day
I watched you with another
Every day
I watched you hurt me
I watched your joy at seeing me in sadness
Every time I see you
I know what you want
Every time I see you
I know what you’ll take
Are you more breakable than I am
Is your heart so much stronger
Can you deny me any longer
Every night
Every day
Every time
She awoke as her hand hit the empty space next to her. It surprised
her, the emptiness. She didn’t know she could feel such a thing. A veil
of relief filled her as she heard the shower running. She hadn’t been
abandoned. Just as she was about to settle back into the bliss of sleep
she heard a small rap on the door. Blue-green eyes strained threw the
darkness to catch the time on the clock. It was five a.m. She slipped
off of her bed and padded over to the door with light and strong steps.
She opened the door and was greeted by innocent yet cruel violet eyes.
“Shiori”, she questioned softly.
The girl before her looked ready to cry, but Juri recognized the look.
She had seen it before.
“Can I come in”, Shiori asked politely. “I… couldn’t sleep and I… I…”
The violet-eyed girl tried to step inside but Juri got in her way.
“I’m sorry Shiori but you can’t come in”, Juri said firmly but softly.
Shiori looked up at Juri; crocodile tears ready to burst. “But Juri I
need you… I-“
Juri smiled politely. “But you don’t Shiori. You don’t need me. If you
need to talk I can talk with you tomorrow”, she said.
Shiori seemed taken back a bit. “Do you hate me that much now”, she
asked innocently and cruelly all at once.
Juri looked down at the girl in front of her and sighed. “I’ve known
you too long to ever truly hate you”, she began and Shiori seemed to
get excited. “But”, Juri broke the excitement with her sincere tone;
“You can not come in. Not tonight.”
“I lov-“
“No. You don’t”, Juri interrupted. “You don’t know what that really is
yet. I’ll talk to you tomorrow Shiori.”
And with that Juri closed the door. She sighed as she heard Shiori
slowly walk down the dorm's hall. She brushed her light auburn hair
back with her fingers and walked slowly back towards the bed. Just as
she did she heard the shower stop and she smiled. The bathroom door
opened slowly and a girl wrapped in a terry cloth robe leaned politely
in the doorway.
“Who was that”, she asked softly. “Anyone I should worry about?” There
was a playful sense to her tone. She walked over to Juri who was
desperately trying to keep her balance.
“No one to worry about”, Juri stated. “Just an old friend with too much
time on her hands.”
The girl smiled wistfully. Her eyes were bright and her smile was
brighter. “Well”, she said softly as she wrapped her arms around Juri’s
waist. “I guess I shouldn’t worry then.”
“No…you shouldn’t”, Juri replied her voice a mere whisper. She held the
girl closer and wondered if the feeling she had was what it was to be
free.
“You seem nervous”, the girl said as she looked into Juri’s eyes. “And
a little lost.”
Juri sighed. “You’re the only other person I know who can do that”, she
confessed. “You can see right through me. I”, she paused as the girl
slipped from the embrace and began to walk over to the bed. “I just
forgot for a moment.”
The girl didn’t ask any further questions. She knew what Juri meant.
Juri walked over to the bed and sank into the warm arms that waited for
her; happy in knowing that she finally did something for herself. She
looked once more into the eyes of the girl next to her, deep and cruel
as the ocean, but softer than the sky.
“There is cruelty and then there is total devastation”, the girl
whispered. “And you don’t deserve either. Will you sing to me?”
“What shall I sing”, Juri asked.
“Something…deep”, the girl replied and took Juri into a kiss softer
than tears and deeper than all expectations.
All I love
Is all I lose
But I’ll be true
All I need
Is in my arms
I’ll keep it safe from harm
But…
My heart my heart was broken
For I wore it on my sleeve
I shall keep this moment safer
Than what she never felt for me
And I’ll sail down every ocean
And I’ll sing a long sad song
For though I know I have you
In the morning
You’ll be gone
End…………..
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