Spinning in a Circle -------------------------------------------------- Anthy woke up in the middle of the night, like she did often in the past months. But unlike past times she saw Utena, illuminated by the pale moonlight. Her face looked weary and ghostly. She had lost weight visibly. And with these sudden physical realizations a huge sense of guilt hit Anthy. For every single thing she did to Utena. For every single time she wanted to tell her everything but failed. For every time she lied or didn't tell the truth. And this pain was far worse from any blade that ever stabbed her. Is this how it will always be - will she be always causing pain to Utena? She didn't want to hurt her any more. She wanted to release her, release her from the circle they were spinning in. At least her. Getting up from the bed, still in her dress that she didn't take off, she picked up her suitcase. It was all her fault, why should she have the right to live a happy life? At this cost. She headed for the door not even lifting her gaze. Halfway there however, she was met by the one who was in her thoughts, and with a burning rage in her eyes Anthy rarely saw. "Are you running away again?" she spoke clearly and menacingly. "Utena, you don't understand," Anthy began to explain but was cut off by a smack flat on her face. She was completely dumbfounded, lost her footing and fell to the ground. "Don't take me for a fool," Utena hissed at her. "I was played out. I am fully aware of that. You and me become friends, I confide in you, you spill my guts out to him, making me an easy prey and I'm out of the game... That was the plan wasn't it? I understand, but I don't care. I don't care about what was going on. I want you, I want you by my side. So if you want to go, leave now and don't ever come back! I'm getting sick of your running. This is not just a game any more!" The silent confrontation that followed lasted a few seconds - Utena's gaze, which Anthy was unable to meet, was full of fierce anger. Smirking she turned around and headed for the bathroom, the light making Anthy squint her eyes. As she returned she was wearing her pajamas. She didn't spare one look at Anthy. She just fell heavily on the sofa getting a blanket from somewhere and making herself as uncomfortable as she could there. She wanted to be angry, it felt good. At least it took her mind off the fact that Anthy could really go. Anthy kept looking at the floor, ashamed of herself. What she wanted to do was utterly foolish. After such a long time finally seeing Utena again and wanting to leave. This was no game she could walk out of, this was serious and she had to pull herself together. She picked up her suitcase and herself and headed for the bathroom. Returning in her nightgown a few minutes later, she walked up to Utena who had apparently fallen back asleep again. "Utena," she called her softly and put her hand on her shoulder. She woke up with a start, it seemed she had fallen asleep against her will. "Utena, please take the bed, I'll sleep here," Anthy told her. "No, you're sleeping on the bed," Utena answered closing her eyes again. It seemed as if both wanted to atone for past mistakes by allowing the other to have at least a sound sleep. Anthy thought for a moment then looked at the bed and suggested: "Maybe we could share the bed?" Blushing a bit, avoiding Anthy's gaze and pretending to look at the bed, Utena nodded silently. Anthy took away her blanket and offered a hand to help Utena up. They headed for the bed and Utena motioned to Anthy to get in first and she did so facing the wall. She was smiling on the inside as she listened to and felt Utena get in behind her. She felt their legs touch and she felt the other's arm on her back. After some more movement behind her everything went still. "Utena," she said, looking across her shoulder but only seeing a pink blur in the corner of her eye. "Yes?" came the reply. "I wanted to say I'm sorry. I acted stupid, didn't I... I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions." They never talked a lot, usually just sharing their thoughts in a few sentences. None of them was a good talker and both seemed at least a bit afraid of admitting their feelings to themselves. "You say this calmly," Utena said her voice suddenly acquiring a strange tone. It was involuntarily seductive and laced with steel at the same time. "Will you stand to your decision?" "As long as you want me I'll stay," she replied. Utena was surprised at her straightforwardness, Anthy could tell. But it seemed to calm her down a bit. Utena was scary when she was angry, very much so, but it was at those times that Anthy felt strongly for her. And to know Anthy could make Utena this wild made pleased her. Anthy started moving again, trying to turn around to face Utena. It wasn't all that easy since the bed wasn't entirely enough big for them. At last she managed to get where she wanted and was really quite satisfied with the result. Because of the bed's size they had to keep close to each other; that meant that Utena had to put one of her legs between Anthy's momentarily after which she couldn't get it out again. Her left arm had to go around Anthy's waist whilst the other pressed against her stomach and her faces were just a couple of inches apart. Anthy reached up with one hand and adjusted a stray lock of Utena's hair that parted with it's mates and made it's way towards Utena's eye; not that Anthy blamed it. Utena blinked a few times as the intruder was removed then she reached out too, to catch Anthy's hand before it could retreat under the sheets. "It's been so long," Utena said looking Anthy in the eyes, still with certain seriousness, losing her smiling face. Her face looked pale in the darkness but her eyes were still burning. Anthy moved her trapped hand back towards the flame, trailing her fingers along the jaw, getting a hold of pink hair and lunging inside, surprising both, feeling how the fire burned her lips and shot down through her body, incinerating any doubts about her feelings. She could feel Utena hold her tightly, with stiff arms at first but soon they eased and began to move, felling their way around Anthy's waist, up and down, around the back and to the front. The fire was raging through Anthy, burning her up, strongest still where their lips met, the wetness of their tongues not really cooling her. It was almost painful as Utena broke their kiss, turning to look up at the ceiling to refrain from passionately charging at Anthy. "We- We should stop," she said breathing heavily. "Why?" Anthy asked, in an almost demanding voice. "I- I'm not sure yet..." She kept staring at the ceiling for a few more moments and turned away shortly after. Instead of a 'good night' all she said was: "Sorry." "It's all right," Anthy replied and plunged into the pink sea before her, inhaling the scent of her hair and placing a hand on Utena's side. She was quite content like this but she couldn't be really happy until she knew Utena was hers. After all she could wait. As long as she was with Utena she could wait till the end of the world comes.
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