Understanding
I don’t drink.
It’s not because of my image. Far from it. The illusion of the Silver
Maiden, Chris Lightfellow the heroine, the pure paladin of the Zexen
Knights, is one that I never expected to be burdened with. Never expected,
certainly never wanted. It is an undesired weight that has come with my
rising through the ranks to my current position as leader of the Zexen
military command. I sometimes wonder if being the captain of the knights of
Vinay Del Zexay has provided me with more opportunity and ability to protect
others, or has hindered my ability to do so by forcing me to shoulder this
image and work in cooperation with the council.
It’s not because I fear drink. It’s dangerous when abused, yes. But in
excess, what is not? I am a very controlled person. I don’t believe I would
abuse alcohol; I would be able to find my limit and stick to it. I’ve seen
people do that, such as Joker, and I’ve seen people who can’t seem to
understand their limits and go too far, like Mua. I’m not afraid because I
know I would not go beyond my abilities to deal with it.
I guess that if I had to guess why I just never feel compelled to drink, it
would probably be because one thing I value very highly is the ability to
think clearly and thoroughly about decisions I make. Sometimes, on the
battlefield, long and careful consideration of actions to take just isn’t
possible...but because of decisions made under such conditions, I have found
myself deeply in regret of what I have done many times. When my comrades and
I destroyed the Karayan village...it was a hasty decision we made under the
conditions of battle. We could not give it deliberate and careful
consideration; doing so would result in more lives lost of our comrades.
I don’t know if we could have chosen a better action, given the
circumstances. Questioning ourselves on what path we could have taken
differently is pointless. Living with the results is what we must do. And I
know that each of us will until our dying breath deeply regret what we did.
So if I have a chance to make decisions outside of the battlefield, and have
the time to think them through, I won’t hinder that gift, that blessing, by
indulging in drink.
I do, however, find myself drawn to Anne’s small tavern here at Orange
Castle in the later hours, when sleep eludes me. I only have non-alcoholic
beverages, but I find somehow that I enjoy the quiet atmosphere of the very
late hours here. Usually there are a few patrons, but not nearly so many as
to become unpleasantly boisterous. It is a good time for solitude and
reflection.
My friends, of course, might disapprove of this place. Leo and Percival
would not mind, but I’m quite certain Borus would be shocked and dismayed to
find Lady Chris Lightfellow, great Zexen military leader, spending her time
in a small bar. Roland would likely not approve, either, for I think that
elves have a generally low opinion of alcohol. Salome as well, though he
would of course hide his displeasure completely, trusting my judgment as he
always does.
Hmmm...thinking about my comrades of the Zexen command reminds me of something
that has recently been weighing fairly heavily on my mind. Borus, Percival,
Leo, and possibly Roland and Salome...they fancy me, even if not all are
comfortable with saying so...
"Care if I join you, Chris?"
I look up from the table, startled, to see Queen standing before me. Queen,
one of Geddoe’s band of mercenaries...I am unsure of why she wishes to join
me, for we don’t know each other as more than passing acquaintances, but I
do not mind sharing my solace with another for the moment. I nod, and she
pulls up a chair to sit across from me.
I watch her for a minute as she takes a drink from her glass before breaking
the silence and asking, "Did you wish to speak with me about something?"
She puts her glass down on the table and shrugs. "Joker can be tiring as a
drinking companion sometimes. After a while he just goes too far with it.
Anyways, I’ve seen you in here occasionally, Chris, and I thought I might as
well use the opportunity to know one of our great leaders better."
I smile faintly, not entirely sure what to say to this. I’m fairly out of
practice with normal socializing with others, and Queen somehow has an air
to her that makes me a little nervous. Trying to think of something to say
to her, I can only come up with, "Most people call me Lady Chris or Noble
Chris."
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I feel like a fool. It was meant
as an observation, something to say instead of simply sitting mute, but it
came out as an accusation, an admonishment.
A smile plays faintly on Queen’s lips as she responds, "Yes, most do...it’s to
show how they respect and admire your, and I mean to show no less respect.
But I somehow don’t think you enjoy those titles attached to your name,
Chris, so I didn’t bother with them."
Relieved that she did not take my words the wrong way, but curious
nonetheless, I ask her, "How did you know that?"
She looks past me for a moment, unfocusing her eyes a bit before responding,
"People in higher ranks sometimes feel that way, I’ve found. They get tired
of a title and status dictating how people see and perceive them...I’ve
experienced it first-hand, so I can sometimes see it in others."
She takes another drink, and the way her piercing eyes focus on me leaves no
doubt that she doesn’t want the matter pursued. I can recall that Kidd had
trouble getting many details on her past All I can remember him saying is
that she has high-class backgrounds herself. It’s somewhat hard to imagine.
Though she certainly has a certain elegance to her, imagining her dressed as
the upper-class do, acting as they do, is difficult. She seems a perfect fit
for her current role, with rugged beauty far more befitting her personality
than that of elegance. I do envy her that...though I enjoyed my time traveling
covertly, in the end I missed my standard ways of dressing, even if they are
associated with the image of Zexen’s heroine, that image which infuriates me
so.
I suddenly realize that Queen has asked me a question, and that I have been
staring at her eyes while too lost in thought to realize she was speaking.
Lightly blushing for my lack of manners, I ask her to please repeat her
question.
"I asked," she replied, slightly amused, "what it was you were thinking
about before I joined you."
"Oh," I reply. "Nothing, really...just something about my friends."
She takes another sip, those eyes focused once more on mine, urging me to
continue. Somehow, I feel comfortable telling her about this, though I would
not normally tell anyone. I find myself just speaking freely about it.
"The other five knights...most, if not all, are interested in me, Queen.
I’m...flattered, honestly. They’re all very admirable, worthy people. I
respect and care for them all. But I’m not interested in any sort of
romantic relationship with them. I’m only interested in other women. But...I’m
not sure what will happen. I want to just be able to tell them honestly that
as much as I like and respect them, I don’t have any intentions that way.
But...because of this position I hold, because of the image people have of me,
I’m afraid that if I don’t choose one of them, then it may be hard for me to
choose...anyone," I confessed.
Queen nodded, eyes closed. "To be with someone outside of the highest
ranking of the knights or other Zexen society...yes, I don’t believe your
council would be pleased at all with the effect that would have on your
heroic image. And there is no woman you could choose that I know of in high
enough standing for them to accept the union."
I sigh, looking into my glass. "I sometimes feel lonely when thinking about
it. I have so little ability to make decisions about myself...I worry that
even with a few good, close friends who know me, I will still feel lonely
when I die."
Queen shakes her head and finishes her drink. Toying with the empty glass in
her hands for a moment, she responds, "I have nothing I can say to you,
Chris. If there is a pleasant solution to your problems, I don’t know it. If
it helps, you’re not the only one of us who feels lonely that way."
I wait a moment for her to continue, then prod, "I’ll listen if you want to
talk about it."
She shrugs, non-committal, and answers, "Very little to tell. I would like
to be with Geddoe that way. I feel that he would like it as well. But he’s
cursed with a True Rune, and he can’t seal it away like the Flame Champion
did, and like I imagine you and Hugo will. He’s born the weight of it for
longer than I can guess now out of a sense of duty...and he’ll continue to do
so after this is over until it is forcefully taken from him or he is driven
mad. Either way...my life with him, if we were together for love, would in the
long run be only a torment to him. It’s been hard enough for him to slowly
lose the ability to feel and appreciate the world and life around him...if I
were to tease him for a time with love’s companionship, he’d suffer all the
more once I was gone and he had to gradually lose that, too. It’s better for
him, and really for me, that we remain companions, allies, perhaps
friends...but not more."
"I’m sorry," I tell her sincerely.
She shakes her head again. "It’s okay. I don’t mind telling you."
I look down at the hand which holds my own True Rune. "I don’t think Hugo
and I really thought about what sort of curse this power can bring when we
took it...I’m glad that we have the opportunity to seal them back once this is
over. As lonely as I can sometimes feel...at least I can still enjoy life."
Queen nods, and is silent for a few minutes.
Then she looks me in the eyes once more, and asks, "Would you like to have
sex with me, Chris?"
My jaw drops at the bluntness of this question. Wondering if perhaps I had
somehow misheard, I stammer, "W-what?"
"Tonight. Now. Would you like to have sex with me?" Queen asks again,
straightforward and serious.
"I don’t...I don’t understand."
Queen explains, "I find you very attractive. From the way you’ve watched me
while talking, I think you also find me attractive. It’s been a long time
since I’ve had someone to be with, and I feel that need tonight."
Still taken aback by her frank manner, and trying to collect my thoughts, I
manage to get out, "Queen, I, I do think you’re attractive. Very attractive,
but...but I don’t--"
"You don’t love me," she finishes. "I know you’re not interested in a
relationship with me on that level. Nor am I. But we’re both lonely."
"I..." I cannot seem to come to grips with the situation. "I don’t just want
you to just be comforting me or--"
"No," Queen tells me gently, reaching across the small table to take my
armored hand. "This is not about some stupid notion of comfort. I can’t
offer you what you want any more than you can offer it to me. We can’t give
each other love, and this isn’t some poor attempt to give emotional comfort.
But I think...we’re both lonely, Chris. We’re both lonely for love. I can’t
give you love, you can’t give love to me. But I can give you physical
companionship; I can give you at least a small part of what you long for.
And you can give the same to me. So, would you like to be with me? If not,
that’s fine. But I would like to."
Head swimming, I ask, "Could I just have a...a moment to consider?"
She nods, withdrawing her hand. Her eyes, which I am now fully realizing
have captivated me all evening, are still fixed upon me as she waits.
What should I do? It’s true, I find myself very attracted to her. I’ve
always found her rugged, yet all the while soft beauty charming. She’s
someone I have so far enjoyed being with. The slowly, gently, yet insistent
growing feelings I feel where my legs join certainly find the prospect
pleasing. But like alcohol, I need to ignore them to be able to correctly
view my options and make a decision.
"This is not about love."
"Correct."
"And it is not only about sex."
"Correct."
"And if we do tonight...then after tonight?"
"We are still Queen and still Chris, allies, companions, perhaps friends,
nothing more. If we wish to do this again later, then we will deal with that
then."
She harbors no mistaken ideas about this, about where it might lead...so I
think that there is no real reason not to do this.
"Yes," I say softly, my decision made, "I would like to have sex with you,
Queen."
Another light smile and a simple, "Okay," are the responses. She rises from
the table, and I follow suit.
"Your room is watched too often by your peers," she states. "I share my
quarters with Geddoe and the company, but Jacques sleeps outdoors, Ace and
Joker are going to be staying most if not all the night here at the tavern,
and if I ask Geddoe to leave us in peace for the night, he’ll do so with no
questions asked and no rumors spread."
I nod. "We’ll use your room, then."
Wordlessly, we make our way to the shipwreck that has become a part of
Orange, finding our way to the dark quarters which Queen shares with
Geddoe’s division. Quietly, she opens the door and motions for me to enter
the lit room. I do so, wordlessly meeting the gaze of Geddoe as he passively
looks on for explanation.
Queen steps into the room, and he turns his attention to her.
"Geddoe, could you sleep elsewhere tonight?" Queen asked. "We’d like to be
alone."
Geddoe looks from her to me, and back to her again as I lightly blush. He
gives an agreeing nod, a slight grunt, and without further ado gets up from
his chair and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
I watch him leave, and then ask Queen, "Will that be okay, Queen? If you and
he..."
"He and I are something that could be under different circumstances, and
that’s why I feel lonely. But the key is that we aren’t. Now...come here,
Chris," she softly requests.
Heart pounding the same as anyone’s their first time, I do as she requests,
stepping closer and closer to her until her jacket is in contact with my
armor. Slowly, captivated by her eyes, I lower my mouth to hers, and after
an eternity that passes in a blink of her eyes, I feel her lips upon my own,
kissing them softly at first, then with growing heat and passion. My skin is
becoming warm as I try to mimic her kiss, eventually opening my teeth’s gate
to allow her tongue passage into my mouth. Still staring at those powerful
eyes, I stroke her tongue with my own, playing a game with no rules and no
loser.
I have been drowning in her eyes and in her kiss mentally...and I soon realize
that I am, in a way, also drowning in them physically, for after what feels
like a pleasant eternity, I find myself needing air. Now.
I break the kiss, gasping for breath, seeing that she is also breathing
heavily. Before I have taken more than a few breaths, however, she rushes
forward to kiss me again. No longer is the kiss long and intense,
however...now she kisses me quickly over and over again, tracing a trail from
my lips southward. As she passes my chin, she slows her pace to stronger,
more sensual kisses, lightly sucking on my neck’s skin, running her tongue
over it as she goes. I moan softly as she does this; I cannot help it, the
gentle, powerful feeling is so...it is hard to describe, aside from feeling
very, very good.
This goes on for a few minutes, and as wonderful as this feels, my armor is
now starting to become uncomfortably hot. "Qu-Queen," I manage to quietly
say, "I need to...I need to get out of my armor, please."
Her head draws away, understanding, and she watches me as I remove my
gauntlets, breast-plate, armored boots, and many other parts of the armor
suit which keeps me alive in battle. As the last heavy pieces were removed,
I reach behind my head to let my hair down. I feel it flow down in a wave as
I stand before her, clad only in normal, uninteresting white underwear and
bra. I can see her breath has quickened a bit from watching, and her eyes
are sweeping over me, taking in the sights of my naked feet, legs, hands,
stomach, and arms.
She steps forward, and continues her wonderful neck-kisses, now working her
way down to where it meets my collar bone with wonderful precision. Again, I
find myself softly moaning, my hands moving almost of their own accord to
her back to gently stroke it as she continues.
Then, Queen brings her hand up to caress my left breast through the bra’s
fabric. It doesn’t feel as intensely nice as her kisses do, but I jump a bit
nonetheless, for so small a feel has felt so pleasurable. She again slowly
draws her hand across my bosom, with more pressure this time...then she opens
her hand and cups the breast in it, mirroring her actions with my right one
as well. My breathing quickens further as she begins to rub the breasts and
even gently squeeze them, and suddenly her wonderful kisses seem of lesser
importance.
After a very short time of this, she removes her hands from my breasts and
her lips from my neck. Trying not to feel disappointed, I watch to see what
she wants.
She brings her hands to her front and begins to take off her jacket. Before
she can get far, though, I bring my shaking hands forward to rest on hers,
stopping her. She looks into my eyes, questioning, and I tell her
wordlessly. She understands, and drops her arms to her sides. Obviously, she
is the more experienced with this...but I do not want her to have to lead
everything. Neither she nor I needs to dominate this...we can simply work
together to make this as good for the other as we can.
I slowly, surely, eagerly finish what she started, opening her jacket and
letting her shrug it off. Then I help her to remove her shirt, pulling it
over her head so that now she has only her own bra to cover her top. I reach
my arms around to her back, as she does the same to me, and together we
unhook the others’ garments and let them free. As each bra fell to the
ground, both I and she find our gazes drawn from the others’ eyes to our
newly-uncovered areas.
I have never been very, as one might say, gifted, and it seems that Queen is
much the same. Yet even if they are not large, her breasts are compellingly
beautiful. She looks into my eyes once more, and draws me in close, until
our arms are locked behind one another. She gives me another powerful kiss,
and this time my attention is only partially on our tongues’ dance, the rest
upon the wonderful sensation of her bosom against mine, melding together as
we press harder against the other to increase the feeling.
Queen breaks our kiss as she takes a step back, and quickly moves her mouth
down. This time, however, she does not kiss my neck, but goes still lower
and begins softly, gently kissing my breasts. I moan, louder than before, as
entirely new kinds of pleasure become known to me. She begins to focus her
soft, lovely kissing and licking upon my right breast as her hand comes up
to stroke and squeeze my left.
Breathing very heavily now, I gasp her name occasionally and moan
repeatedly, bringing my hands from her back to rest on her head. She’s
kissing me hard now, going in smaller and smaller circles around the center
of my right as her squeezes become firmer and strokes harder on my left.
Finally, she brings her lips to my peak and begins to suck hard upon it, at
the same time pinching my left peak. Oh, it feels so good! My gasp is
audible and loud now, followed by a moaned, "Yes, Queen..."
But she has only begun, for a moment after she begins this sweet, wonderful
treatment, her free hand very quickly comes to the only clothed part of my
body, reaching to invade my panties. I nearly stop breathing, it is so
wonderful as she cups the center of my legs. I whimper in horrible
pleasure--
And she enters me with two of her fingers while stroking my clitoris with
another. The wonder is unbearable, and I cry out as I experience my first
orgasm brought on by another. It is beautiful, I cannot breathe yet I’m
gasping, cannot think yet the pleasure of it is racing through my mind
nonstop, all I can do is feel this wonderful thing that is racing through me
like a lightning bolt!
After what seems like a year of ecstasy, I find myself slowing and
descending from this powerful feeling...I look to Queen, who has removed her
hands and is standing before me, an honestly pleased smile on her face.
Putting my hand on her shoulder to use her as support, I kiss her, then say
as best I am able, "Thank you..."
"You’re welcome, Chris."
I reach down to her waist, and pull her pants and underwear down at the same
time, exposing her well-toned, yet in some way very effeminate legs. She
steps out of them, kicking her boots off in the process. She then pulls down
my own underwear, and we stand for a moment, admiring the other’s center of
being. Her raven curls are lovely, and her entrancing eyes are for once
entranced themselves at my shaven area.
This time I am the one who moves forward in initiative, embracing her
tightly as we did before, but this time pushing her back slightly towards
the bed. We kiss once again, but not for long as I push her down to lie on
her back, head on the pillow. Once she’s there, I lower my head and lock my
lips to hers once more, positioning myself to lie on top of her as I do.
As we lay kissing, I’m not sure what to do next...I can’t reach my hand down
to caress her as she did me, but feeling myself on her, the warmth of our
bodies mingling to form its own blanket for us as we kiss and caress one
another...this feels so good to be like this, I don’t want to leave it...
Suddenly, I’m aware that even though I went through that beautiful orgasm
just minutes ago, I again feel a desire and need in my nether-regions, and
realize that while we lie embraced, I am pressed hard on her leg, and...it’s
not as intense and powerful a feeling as her fingers were inside me, but
somehow it’s better to be lying with her this way, truly enjoined.
I move myself slightly so that my leg is between hers, and begin to press it
into her own female core as I press mine harder. Her breathing increases and
now she is the one moaning softly as I set a grinding rhythm against her,
slowly increasing its speed and power until soon it feels as though we are
slamming against each other, bodies sliding in rhythm as our breasts meld,
as our bodies’ heat becomes almost unbearable, as the wonderful pleasurable
torment builds and builds we are gasping and moaning and encouraging the
other in panted, whimpered shouts to continue and, and, yes, the electricity
is ripping through me, she’s calling out as it does her, it feels so
spectacular, liquid beauty surging through me!
And finally...panting, the world is back in focus...my head is resting on her
bosom, and both of us are heaving for breath...
She looks down at me, kisses me lightly on the forehead. "Thank you for
that, Chris. I enjoyed that..."
I look up at her, tired...but concerned as I ask, "Queen...you brought me there
twice...you’ve only had one yourself, though?"
She smiles and shrugs as best as she’s able with my weight upon her. "Maybe
so. But I’m satisfied right now nonetheless...and if need be, we have the rest
of the night to take care of any needs that arise."
I accept the answer, too tired to do anything else. As I lay there, I
realize that this solved nothing...but all the same, it has helped us both to
deal with our loneliness, and it has helped us to feel a little better about
our place in life. Perhaps there will be other times we can share...perhaps
not. Either way, I won’t regret this decision, and neither will she.
Back to Suikoden Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction