A Love that is Mine 2
You were my first love.
I realise now that you probably knew, but in your kindness never
addressed that issue with me. You were always so kind and considerate
towards me, yet you never doted upon me like you did the one that came
to claim your heart. Although at the time it saddened me, and
unfortunately made me face some rather ugly sides of myself, I feel
grateful for this small grace.
I was a ravaged soul when we first met, my country, my home and all I
had known hopelessly lost in the war. Somehow you managed to lift me up
from where I had fallen and instilled in me a sense of pride, made me
believe that my country could never truly be lost as long as I kept it
strong and alive in my own heart. I did my best to be as honourable a
daughter of my noble home as I could be, the way you were for yours even
though you did not have the reasons I did.
You are my hero, did you know that?
You were always so strong, so sure, so noble and honourable. I saw in
you everything I would ever wish to be, and I worshipped you. I followed
you like a puppy, but I must say in all earnestness that my love for you
was more than this. My love for you was genuine.
It was never my intention of pushing my feelings upon you. I was quite
content watching you from afar, or basking in the glory of your presence
during missions or training. Like yourself I always took both things
very seriously, and you trained me hard in compliance with my wish for
strength. My only selfish wish was to one day become strong enough and
capable enough to be of help to you.
The jealousy that later overtook me was something I had never dreamt of
in myself. It shames me to know the things I thought or said back then
regarding she who is the closest to your heart. She deserved better and
I should be better than this, however I was floundering and struggling
with emotions that were new to me.
There is a lesson to be learned in this ugliness, in finding and
acknowledging a less pleasant side of myself. In knowing this part of me
I am better equipped never to let it rule me, though I fear I am still
never going to be considered congenial by those around me; you were ever
the only one that thought that of me.
You and now one other, though this has come as a surprise to me.
You were my first love, and as these things often go, it was a one-sided
and unfulfilled love. It shall ever remain a fond memory for me, but I
learned to let it go. The one that stands by your side now is not me,
and that is as it should be. I respect and even like the one you chose,
in my own strange way and although she had to earn that respect first,
and I will always be the one that wishes for your happiness.
I am not alone anymore. Of those that were my comrades in arms, she was
one of those I least would have expected to find myself close to, yet
here we are. I marvel at the fact that my eyes were so filled to the
brim with the vision of you that I could not see her before. She was
right before me yet I passed her by so many times, unseen.
She is so beautiful. Such a kind, gentle soul, with nothing but
sweetness and light in her heart, I am constantly filled with wonder,
watching her. She is polite and well-mannered, and most baffling of all,
completely and utterly genuine in the truest sense. For every passing
day I spend in her company I can feel her reaching in to claim a little
bit more of me.
Why she chose to stay with me, taking on the momentous task of slowly
rebuilding my homeland pebble by pebble, I do not know. She has no
reason to, she has a home and a large and loving family that eagerly
awaits her homecoming, yet she remains with me.
I have gotten to know her in ways I never could have before, and I can
say truly what a wonder she is. It moves me and humbles me at the same
time when she accidentally falls asleep on my shoulder, worn out by our
work and so trusting in me that she can relax wherever we are as long as
I am with her. I spend hours watching her sleep, the beauty and nuance
of every shape, every flutter keeping me transfixed.
I loved you because you were my hero, you were everything I wished I
could also be. More and more I am starting to realise that she is the
reason I now would wish to be a person like you, the thing which I would
protect. The person I cherish and adore, yes... the one I love.
Perhaps it is too soon to speak of love on my part, but I do not think
so. My day would be empty, meaningless, without the sweet sound of her
lilting voice or the warmth of her shy smile. Lately on the occasions
when her innate clumsiness visits I find myself wanting to kiss away the
scrape, the bruise or the frown in its wake. I find myself wanting to
draw my fingers through her hair, or to kneel before her in a field of
flowers, reciting poetry and all manner of other courtly things.
Soon I believe there will be no other recourse, and I will have to make
these burgeoning feelings clear to her. Even if she then rejects me she
deserves to know what is in my heart, and if I am to be a person worthy
of someone like her I must be both brave enough and honest enough to
face this. And if she does not reject me outright but gives me a chance,
then I shall court her, woo her, charm her, this strange wonderful girl
whom does not shy away from my company or my touch.
Even though I could never catch up to you, never become truly like you,
if she accepts me I will become as the prince in a fairtale, living for
my princess fair, protecting and caring for her.
Even if I have to face her many overprotective brothers to be with her,
I shall be strong and charge that and any other hurdle life would throw
our way.
And I will never, ever let her down.
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