Notes: Ok the truth comes out. I don't have any spell checker on my pc. I don't have a beta. I do the best I can to find my mistakes but please forgive me for the ones that I miss. Thank you. Kaarin you owe me a story now. /grin/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Shizuma accompanies me back to my room to grab the last of my stuff before we leave Astrea Hill for the final time. She tells me she is surprised I've managed to make it through the rest of my school days without having a new roommate forced on me. Thank God for small kindnesses from the sisters. After Shizuma I probably couldn't have handled anything else on my plate. "So just what is it you want me to do for you?" She asks as she sits on her old bed. I wish I could freeze this moment in time. This one moment where everything seems normal. As if she has never left, and Karoi had never died, and my world had not fallen apart. "You like her, don't you?" "Yes. But I'm about to be married and she will never let anything happen so long as there can be no happy ending," I say. "I had never taken Youko for a coward." I laugh, thinking that is the farthest thing from the truth. "I don't think a coward would be willing to take on the Ogasawara family to get Sachiko out of her engagement. From what I hear they are even tougher than my own family." "Well that's certainly interesting news. Did she tell you how she plans on doing that?" I move to sit on her bed next to her and she takes me in her arms. In the past it had always been the other way around. How did Shizuma come to be the one so in control of everything? I lay there with my head on her arm and stare at the ceiling. "No. She said she had to talk to Sachiko about it first." "Well if she can get Sachiko out of hers maybe she could do the same for you and Michiaki?" "It wouldn't work. She said it has something to do with how Sachiko's family does business. And I couldn't ask that of her. It's not that I want more really, it's just that I don't want less. I just want to know her, I suppose." "We could always get her drunk again," Shizuma giggles as I push her off the bed for the thought. "Let's get out of here. It's my turn to go home and graduate." "Okay okay, lets go," I say as I toss one of my bags at her to carry. We stop by Kaori's room on the way out, knowing it is the last time we will ever see it. We both bid a tearful goodbye to it. Goodbye to the past, goodbye to our childhood. I can tell by how well Shizuma handles it that she is completely in love with Sachiko, even though she still has an irreplaceable piece of her heart that is for Kaori alone. If only I were as brave, or perhaps as foolish, as her so that I could find a way to fight for what I want. I would never do that though. I will always be the one who watches from the sidelines, quietly making sure that everyone else has found their happiness while I wish for someone to help me find my own. If anyone is really the coward it is me who so willingly accepts the rules that the world has laid out for me. We leave shortly after, all packing back into the two vehicles. This time, thank God, I get to ride with Rei in her van. The privacy of Sei's back seat may be nice but the fear her driving puts into you is hardly worth the price. Especially not if you no longer have anyone to share the privacy with. Shizuma offered to ride in the van with me so that I wouldn't have to feel awkward around all the people I hardly know but I declined her offer by explaining that I want to get to know everyone better. Everyone was pleased with the idea, even Youko who despite her best efforts failed to hide the look of pleasure on her face. One point for Miyuki. Maybe I can find a way to break through to her. Maybe I can learn to be just a little bit more like Shizuma. After all it is her that is happy while it is me who isn't. ---- The ride home from Astrea was dull at best. Since we stopped to see the sights on the way down we saved time but still we didn't return until quite late in the night. Of course we all end up at Sachiko's to stay the night, no one wanting to bother with going home so late. I'm sure eventually they will let me go home to see my family, not that I'm in much of a rush. I know it will only be spending all my time explaining to them why I haven't chosen a fiancee yet and listening to their concerns on the matter. Miyuki has behaved herself exceptionally well somewhat to my dismay. I'm relieved that she has taken me at my word and not pressed to keep building an intimate relationship with one another. Given it's only been a day but even a day of being so close to her and not being able to reach out to her is difficult. Now to make matters worse we are back in the same room that we were in on New Year's and the memories are as vivid as ever. I watch her from the other side of the room as she talks to Yumi, Noriko and Yoshino about what it was like to be a student of Miator. If I could only hear her voice forever I could be happy. Sei and Eriko are sitting with me talking about what they have been up to since we have all gone our seperate ways and though I try my best to listen I can't bring myself to care much at the moment. I know Sei understands as she keeps Eriko engaged in my place. Shizuma, Rei and Sachiko are all talking together and gushing over their own graduation in two days. Growing bored of my longing I retire to my overnight sleeping quarters and look at the other bed that has been made up on the floor next to my own. I don't know how, but I have a feeling that it will be Miyuki that ends up sleeping next to me tonight. In a moment of weakness I slide it closer to my own before changing and laying down. The sleep won't come even though I desperately want it to. I grow frustrated as I think of my plans to help Sachiko out of her engagement. Why is it that I can save her happiness but not my own? Because my family is not the Ogasawaras, I remind myself. My parents don't do dirty business like these men. My parents would not pay for my education and what would I do then? I've already decided to take summer courses and extra credits each semester so that I can finish my degree as soon as possible but will it be enough? Will I be able to hold off engagement long enough? Will I be able to stay sane long enough? Can I keep watching all my friends find their happiness while mine keeps evading me? I hear the door slide open and lay still, pretending to sleep. Even if it is or isn't Miyuki I can't handle talking right now. Right now I just want to be left alone. I feel someone moving next to me as they slide into the bed next to mine. Is it her? Could I really keep lying still and keep pretending not to care if it is? I feel a familiar touch on my face and sigh inwardly. I want to lean into it or to pull her closer somehow but I lay frozen in my place. "Goodnight Youko," Miyuki says softly before settling into her own bed. I keep my breathing as steady as possible and try my best not to move. For the first time in many, many years, tears fall from my eyes as I lay there helpless. Is it too late for someone to save me from myself? ---- When morning comes I find that Youko has already left. Not just the room, but Sachiko's house all together. The staff of the house provides us with one of the largest breakfasts I have ever had the pleasure of eating. After eating everyone started to leave to their respective homes and before leaving I had the pleasure of meeting Sachiko's mother. It was amazing at how easily Sachiko shifted moods and behaviors when around a family member. I'm honestly sure I had never seen anything like it, or a more proper lady, in my life. The woman was nice enough, but Shizuma had told me enough of Sachiko's home life to know that whatever lay between them it wasn't an abundance of any particular affection. Sachiko had her driver take us back to Shizuma's apartment, though she stayed at home to spend the day with her family to prepare for her own graduation. Though no one showed it I have a feeling they were unhappy with her sudden three nights of ignoring her duties. I suppose Youko was right. Not even my family was so cold with one another as the Ogasawara's seemed to be. I wonder how they even manage to apply the word family to their relationship. It seems they are more like strangers to me. Once back at Shizuma's I am more than happy to spend the day doing nothing. Shizuma was fond enough of the idea herself and set about to make us tea. That was the last time we moved for anything, save for using the restroom. From the moment we walked in we were nothing but two best friends who had an awful lot to catch up on. I sleep peacefully that night, exhausted beyond belief by my lack of sleep the last two nights. I don't think of Youko or Michiaki or anything else. I've made a promise to myself. For the next few weeks that I am here I am going to model myself after Shizuma. I am going to go after what I want. I am going to be happy even if it kills me. I've decided that even without Youko there are plenty of things that I have yet to experience. Maybe I will never know what it means to be able to fall in love. If that's how it will be then I am going to make sure there is nothing else that I am left without experiencing in my life. I give it my all as I help Shizuma prep for her graduation. The ceremony goes off without a hitch for all three of them, and I don't feel like an outsider among the girls of Lillian anymore. I actually feel more at ease and more accepted than I ever have at any point in my life. "Are you ladies ready for some fun?" Sei asks as we all huddle together outside of the school near the statue of Maria. "I've got to get home," Sachiko says sadly. Her family hadn't even bothered to come to the ceremony. I suppose it wasn't very surprising. "Tonight my engagment is being announced to Suguru." Shizuma looks beautifully defiant as she holds onto Sachiko's hand. We both look to Youko, hoping that she was serious about what she said. I know she feels the same as me. That she would rather her own self suffer than her best friend. "Actually, we need to go have a little talk," Youko says much to our relief as she walks away with Sachiko. ---- "You know you're still my little sister, right?" I ask Sachiko as we walk towards the Rose Mansion. She nods as she looks back at Shizuma, as if it is killing her to be away even for a few minutes. "You love her, yes?" "Of course I do," she responds. I stop walking and take her hands in my own. "If I told you that I had an almost guaranteed way of getting out of your engagement, would you take it?" I look straight into her eyes, needing to see the answer more than hear it. "You know I would." "Even if it meant you were never to see your family again? Do you love her that much?" "Yes." "And if I fail, you may lose all of your wealth. Is poverty something you are willing to risk for her?" "Yes, Youko. You know that I would. I've had all the money I could want since I was born but never have I been happy until her." "Then you need to have complete trust in me." Her eyes are bold as they look into my own. She doesn't blink as she answers. She doesn't hold anything back and for the first time I find that I envy her. I think maybe I stand to learn a thing or two from my little sister. We rejoin the group and everyone is estatic to know that Sachiko will be going out with us tonight. Rei had it easy, her family already expecting that she would be spending the night celebrating with us. Shizuma of course had it the easiest, with no family at all to tell her what to do. Sachiko has told me that while they aren't incredibly close, they still do their best for Shizuma and she seems content enough with the arrangement. Shimako, having been told of our plans before hand, politely excused themselves. While they wanted to come they had duties at Shimako's temple that could not be ignored lest Shimako find herself in a good bit of trouble she couldn't get out of. Noriko having gotten a part time job at the temple so that she could spend more time with Shimako also had to excuse herself. Party poopers. Even I could hardly hide my excitement as I thought about where we were going. How I let Sei and Eriko talk me into thinking this was a good idea, I'm not sure. But it feels damn good none the less. Especially when I think of the fact that I was going to face Sachiko's father himself in a battle of wills. I was ready to unwind. "So where are we going?" Yumi asked as she clung to Sei's arm. "It's a surprise, monster," Sei teased her. It was Sei's nickname for her from when they had first met. "I told you to stop calling me that already," Yumi said defiantly. She no longer squeaked when she spoke. She stood straight and held her ground. A beautiful lady with a bright future ahead of her if Sei had anything to do with it. Thankfully we manage to all pile into Rei's van, leaving the beetle behind since Shimako and Noriko aren't joining us. We drive for about an hour into the heart of the city and I can feel the energy rising in myself already. "Now will you tell us where we are going?" Rei asks, frustrating at driving without knowing a destination. "Nope. Just park somewhere. We can walk the rest of the way," Eriko says. Rei does as she is directed without further complaint. Sei, as usual, leads the group around a few blocks of the city. Finally we arrive at a building that looks as if it would have been desserted if it hadn't been for the neon sign saying Apex that was illuminated against the wall of it. "Here we are," Sei announces as everyone turns to stare at her except for Eriko and myself. "What is this?" Rei asks as she stares at the building. "It's where we are spending the next few hours. Eating and dancing and having fun. You do remember what that is don't you?" "I refuse," Sachiko says as her years of training as a lady kick in. "It's a lot nicer on the inside, I promise," Eriko says. Everyone turns to me next to see what the final vote will be. I feel as if I am Rosa Chinensis all over again. I think of the effort Sei and Eriko went through to make sure we got everyone out here that could come. I think of Yumi and Yoshino's pleading looks as their eyes silently beg me to agree so that they can dance with their partners. I think of watching Miyuki's body move as she dances. "Oh we're going in alright," I say and everyone cheers except for Sachiko, who says nothing more but doesn't stop from an ugly glare in my direction. ---- Dancing? Is this for real? When we walk inside everyone's jaw drops and Sei and Eriko celebrate with a high five for getting the reaction they wanted from us. Not only is there dancing here, there are women dancing with women, men dancing with men, women and men dancing. There were people whose sex was unidentifiable. "What is this place?" Sachiko asks half in awe, half in fear. "This is where normal people go who don't have families running their lives. People who aren't afraid to enjoy themselves and give in to their desires... And crazy straight people like Eriko who just can't seem to escape her lesbian friends," Sei snickers. "Is that really called dancing?" Rei asks as she blushes. "Yes. Now let us find a table," Youko says as she leads us. We find a large round booth that sits us perfectly. Sei passes around bands to put around our wrist explaining that with these we can order anything to eat or drink from the bar that we'd like without having to worrry about money. Apparently the manager here is someone she met last semester who helped us out when Sei explained how important this was to her. "Wanna learn how to dance, monster?" "If you stop calling me that I'd be glad to accompany you," Yumi says with a smirk. Sei feigns hurt as she grabs Yumi's hand and pulls her away from the rest of us. Yoshino starts making eyes at Rei who, much like Sachiko, absoloutely refuses to leave the table. Finally Shizuma and Yoshino give up and decide that they are going to show them, and leave to dance with each other. It's actually more amusing than we could have anticipated, even Rei and Sachiko relaxing as they laughed at the sight of Shizuma and Yoshino trying to awkwardly dance together. "Really you two, go save them," Youko encourages through laughter. They finally do, feeling more comfortable about it now after watching Shizuma and Yoshino fumble around with each other. Eriko announces that she is going to go find herself a straight man before she starts to think that she too is gay. Which leaves me and Youko. "I suppose someone has to keep the table for us," she says absently without looking at me. I stand up and she looks at me in shock. "I'm sorry it has to be you then," I say. "Excuse me?" she asks. It's not asked in a harsh way, just in surprise. "You know I want you to dance with me, but I'm not going to sit here all night hoping you'll ask and pretending that I'm uninterested. If you won't dance with me I'll find someone who will." My boldness scares me, but I remind myself of my vow to learn to enjoy myself. It feels good to say what I feel finally. Our eyes lock for a minute and as I turn to leave I feel her hand tighten around my wrist. ---- I've had all the money I could want since I was born but never have I been happy until her. "If you wanted to dance, you should've just asked."
Back to Liar Index - Back to Strawberry Panic Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction