Epilogue: Find a way to my heart He looks like Ruka. Michiru stood in front of the huge glass wall looking at her son. The baby slept deep in tight in it’s tiny bed between other babies who were born at the same day or the same week. He looks like me... Blonde hairs, deep blue eyes. They didn’t understand what Usagi had done at that cold winter’s day some months ago. When Haruka had been so desperate and cried in her lover’s arms. But now they understood. Because there was no sign of the rude man that used to be his producer. Michiru smiled loving down at the sleeping baby and winked as a nurse entered the baby’s room. She smiled and winked back at her. He’s just one day old. The birth had been yesterday but already now she couldn’t imagine her life without him anymore. Hotaru was with Usagi because Michiru had to talk to her lover alone. It would be a very serious conversation and the little girl was too young to understand it. Michiru frowned as the nurse took her son into her arms and left the baby’s room. Strange. It’s noon. I thought that’s sleeping time for them. The young violinist turned around the corner and froze in motion as she saw the old couple that entered her lover’s hospital room. The old woman smiled at her husband. “I can’t wait to see him.” She said and looked happily up at him. “I know, dear.” Michiru stopped to breathe. Her heartbeat seemed to stop and her whole body trembled. Suddenly tears burned in her eyes and all the joy she had felt during the past 24 hours died away. She can’t... The young violinist swallowed hard and seized at the wall as the world started to spin around her. Of course she can. She always talked about it. Now he’s born and she made her decision. Michiru sobbed as she recognized that Haruka did the wrong the decision. The senshi of the wide ocean turned around and ran away as if bloodhounds were haunting her. Hot tears run down her pale cheeks and she crashed into several nurses but pushed them away without looking up. She didn’t even ask me! Michiru sobbed desperate as she left the hospital. No knowing if she would ever have the power to return again. To live the life again she used to live before that day in October. To behave as if nothing happened. To love her girlfriend again – with all consequences. She ran into the near park, sat down at a bank and cried as if the world was going to end. Gomen, Ruka, but I am not strong enough to say goodbye. *** It was evening when she finally left the park. Her eyes were red and swollen and her face dirty. Empty she looked at the reception as she entered the hospital for the second time this day. She fought herself hard to walk along the white corridor that would lead her towards her love’s room. For some seconds she stopped near the huge window and deep blue eyes stared shocked at the tiny bed. It was empty. Of course it’s empty. Ruka gave him away... She sobbed again but there were no tears in her eyes. She cried the whole day and there was no wet left in her anymore. No clear thought. No hope. Some people walked by without mentioning her. She stood there in front of the door. Her hands trembled as she reached out for the door knob. But she couldn’t reach it. Couldn’t touch it. Couldn’t open the door. I know why I am here. She swallowed hard and the world blurred around her. But she fought hard against the dizziness in her head and took a deep breathe. I’ll take Hotaru and leave her. Michiru sighed deeply and shook her head. Maybe she wasn’t able to love her girlfriend anymore the way she did before the adoption. But she knew that she wouldn’t leave Haruka. She needed her too much and Hotaru needed both of her parents. But how shall I look into her eyes again? The young violinist lowered her head and wild strand of her see green hairs covered her pale face. Her clenched fists trembled and she oppressed another dry sob. It had been a rape, but he’s our son! I love him. How shall I forgot him? She remembered the prickle feeling under her hands each time she touched that arched belly and clenched her fists even more until it hurt. The door was pushed open and a nurse appeared. She carried a tray on her arms and raised surprised one eyebrow as she saw the smaller woman. Of course she knew who the young woman was. They all knew it after the great party the nurses gave at the hospital shortly after the little boy was born. “At last, here you are. She’s waiting for you the whole day.” She said and pushed Michiru into the hospital room. Then she closed the door quietly behind her and walked quickly away. The young violinist stood motionless at the room. Not able to say anything. Not able to look up. So she stared determined at her shoes and wondered why she returned. “Where have you been? Usagi was here with Hotaru half an hour ago. They asked after you and Himme-chan was really sad that you weren’t here.” She heard her lover’s voice and frowned. There was no regret in it. No sadness. Only joy and love. “You missed a nice scene, Michi-chan. First I thought that Himme-chan’s too young to understand. But as she saw her brother she jumped around the whole room and screamed out loud >Yippee<. Chbiusa couldn’t calm her down and Usagi almost cried because she had to laugh so much.” Michiru blinked confused. "You should hear Usagi's screams. Cute, nice and whatever else. Poor Mamoru! She'll be crazy when she'll be pregnant with Chibiusa one day and Chibiusa is very pleasant that she was too tiny to remember her crazy mother." Haruka giggled and it sounded strange in her ears. Why should Himme-chan so happy about her brother when we won’t keep him? At that moment she heard the munching noise. Slowly she raised her head and stared in disbelieve at the small child who laid in her lover’s arms and drank greedy. “He’s very hungry...” said Haruka but her voice became quieter and died away as she saw her girlfriends dirty face. The red eyes as if she cried a lot. “What happened, Michi-chan?” asked the young car racer concerned but couldn’t stand up from her bed. She was still too weak. The birth had been exhausting but doctor Sagurasa was sure that she could leave the hospital during the next week – together with her new born son. She looks as if she lost something really important. Ore someone... Haruka swallowed and in that moment she realized how much she hurt her Michi-chan by going to all the meeting with all those silly couples. By yelling at her when she saw for the first time the nice cradle. To tell her almost every day that she would give her son away - until Michiru begged her for stopping it. But she never stopped thinking about it. Even now she's uncertain what I'll do. Oh, Michi-chan... “I...” Michiru shook her head and asked herself how she could be so unfaithful in her Ruka. “I thought that you gave him away. There was an old couple coming to you this noon when I wanted to visit you. The nurse brought him away and I thought...” She couldn’t help but sobbed again. “Those were close friends of Usagi’s parents. They wanted to visit their daughter who gave birth to her own son the last night. And so they said hello to me, too.” Haruka frowned and showed her girlfriend to sit down next to her. Michiru did as she was told and wiped away some tears that were still in her burning eyes. Her head ache and she felt really sick. But at the same moment as happy as she hadn’t been before in her whole life. “You really thought I would give him away?” whispered Haruka and took with her free hand Michiru’s icy one. Dark green eyes looked loving up at deep blue ones. Loving and guilty. The young violinist watched her lover in silence. The short blonde hairs were messed and she looked very tired. But there was a happy sparkling in her eyes and a tomboy grin laid on the still pale face. Suddenly Michiru knew that her Haruka was recovered. From what the rude man did to her. “Hai...” she nodded and took a deep breathe. I've been so stupid! So blind! I should have known that she would love him. Even if Usagi wouldn't have put that rude men's genes away and replaced them with mine... “Gomen, Michi-chan. I know, I’ve been very stubborn during the past months.” Haruka lowered her head and watched her son drink. Her look was full of love. And pride. “But as I hold him in my arms I knew that he belongs to me. It had been so hard during the past months. During the whole pregnancy. I was so scared that I would never be able to love him. That I would hate him. Then I saw into his face and couldn’t look away. He’s so tiny. So helpless. But yet so strong. Within a few moment’s he found the way to may heart and I won’t ever let him go, Michi-chan.” Haruka gave a light kiss on the tiny head and Michiru swallowed hard. Sun shone through the window and covered the mother and her baby. It was such a touching picture that Michiru sobbed again. Tears were running down her cheeks again and she asked herself if that was her destiny of being the senshi of the wide ocean. But now there weren’t tears of sorrow or despair. Only of happiness and endless joy. She was sure that she would never forget that picture on her whole life. She's my family. She, Hotaru and our little son. “After all we’ve got that nice cradle and I can’t wait to see him in it.” Haruka raised her right hand and wiped softly the tears away. Her lover's certainly last tears. Then she stroke through messy sea green hair and over small shoulders. Over soft skin of naked arms and automatically Michiru started to shiver. "Arigato, Michi-chan. Without you I would never survived this hell. I would have never recognized that I loved him long before he was born. That our past is not automatically our destiny." Haruka saw how Michiru took her hand into her own one and entwined her fingers with her own one. Then deep blue eyes looked straight into dark green ones. I will never leave you. As long as I live. And even longer... It was a promise they gave each other in silence. They didn't need any words. They understood each other with that look that meant everything. The young violinist smiled and knew that the picture she wanted to see would finally become true: Her tomboy sitting at the big couch, breastfeeding their son. Smiling loving down at him. “Michi-chan?” The young violinist nodded and returned back into reality as she heard her lover’s soft voice. “Hai?” Haruka took a deep breathe and squeezed the smaller hand in her own one tighter. There was a serious expression in normally teasing eyes. At the last time desperate shimmering eyes... But Michiru knew that this time was over. Forever. At last! “I knew I never asked you, but do you still want to be his other mother?” Haruka laid her head on her shoulder and watched her uncertain. He smiled relieved as Michiru only nodded and wrapped her arms around her. To hold her tight. To never let her go again. “Of course.” She whispered and gave her Ruka a loving kiss. “Of course...” The kiss lasted for a long time and none of them wanted it to stop. I love you so much, Ruka. You're my life, Michi-chan. “Hi Haruka, I thought...” Minako opened the door and blushed deeply as she saw the couple. "Don't be so shy!" Rei pushed her into the room and pulled Ami with her. Makoto shrugged helpless her shoulders while a knowing smiling Setsuna followed. “Gomen, we didn’t want to disturb you, but we were in the region and thought...” started Ami and bowed but she was interrupted by Minako who put two huge bags on the bed. "We were at the region? No one believes you in this room!" snapped Rei and Ami blushed even more. "The truth is that we met Usagi on her way home and we asked her how you are doing and she said so many things about you and your son that we simply had to come to see him." The young priest stepped nearer with a curious sparkle in her dark eyes and looked down at the small boy at Haruka's left breast. Still he drank but time by time he yawned and closed his eyes as if he wasn't sure if he should drink or sleep. "My goddess. He's so tiny." Whispered Rei and touched very, very carefully the tiny head. The baby awoke and munched again. Haruka couldn't oppress a giggle. Neither did Michiru. "I've never seen such a cute child in my whole life." Admitted Makoto and looked over Rei's shoulder. "Hey, I wanna see him, too!" demanded Minako and pushed them aside. Then she froze in motion and her blue eyes shimmered with tears as she looked at the small boy. "My first nephew." She declared with a shaky voice and stroke over the tiny back. The boy turned his head and watched her with his deep blue eyes. "Say hello to your auntie Mina, little one." Whispered the senshi of love and suddenly started to cry. Ami stepped next to her, took her comforting into her arms and looked at the boy, too. "He looks like you." She said and smiled as the boy yawned and settled down into sleep. "And he looks like you, too." Ami and Michiru exchanged glances and Ami smiled even more as the senshi of the wide ocean nodded. "I've never seen Hotaru so excited. Guess she's the proudest bigger sister the world has ever seen." Said Setsuna but kept leaning against the wall. She knew she would get her chance to look at the new life closer. Suddenly Minako freed herself from Ami's comforting embrace and the tears dried immediately at her now redden cheeks. Stars sparkled in her eyes and automatically the rest of the sailor team had to grin. “Let’s show them the presents before Usagi’s ready watching the babies behind the window. And before Hotaru comes in and jumps around screaming.” Said the senshi of love and handled the first wrapped gift. Haruka smiled and looked up at them. The Sailor Team. Her best friends. My family. “Arigato.” She whispered and felt how Michiru’s embracement tightened. I love you, Ruka. She didn’t need to say it aloud. Haruka could hear those words while she unwrapped tiny shoes that fitted perfectly to her thumb. I love you, too, Michi-chan. Michiru giggled as Haruka compared it to the small child’s foot. It was still too big for the baby. Our son... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What shall I say more? The idea simply crept into my head and I wrote it down within three days. I simply couldn’t stop writing and I was like obsessed. Actually I had this idea a long time ago. But I thought that I would never write it down. Because it’s a very serious, a very sad topic. I feared that I could destroy Haruka and her wonderful character. But the idea didn’t get out of my mind. It overtook my thoughts and I simply had to write it. Hope I didn’t shook anyone. My special thank is for my boyfriend who let me write the whole night and the whole day without being mad with me. Guess you know me now, Heiko. My other special thank is for Phil Collins. I listened to his songs while writing this story. I love his tender and his sad songs. I like his voice very much. And I like it when he does a song together with Eric Clapton. His guitar always makes me shiver. And another special thank is for the readers: Arigato for reading it. April Eagle 22.09. – 24.09.2000
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