Negative
She rubbed her eyes and tried to string her thoughts into a cohesive sentence, growling at the effort this took. She was good at social, achieved A’s with minimal effort and found the subject passably interesting. She had never had to sit for twenty minutes staring at such a blank, blank sheet before. Rei closed her eyes and buried them into the heels of her palms to block out the daunting void of 8.5 x 11.
Minako was at volleyball practice and would be wearing those short so-short-they’re-barely-shorts spandex shorts. Rei wondered how active her subconscious had been that she could picture in flawless detail the tight, perfect roundness of the volleyball captain’s
DURING World War Two the Emperor Hirohito opposed the attack but was overruled by his generals . . . no, wait I need a general statement first . . . She ran her hands through her hair and fought the blush on her face. The hell am I thinking?
Of their own volition, the miko’s eyes checked the clock on the corner of her desk and she did some quick calculations. It took twenty minutes to walk from school to the shrine. If practice ended as scheduled, and if Rei left right now then they would probably meet about half way. Minako would be delighted at the surprise, likely very happy, very likely willing to spend a few minutes rewarding her thoughtfulness . . .
Rei got up, grabbed a light jacket, spun around and sat back down.
I have no discipline. What am I doing? Arrrg. I’m just hormonal. I’m a teenager. I can’t help it. This is normal, right? Not being able to think about anything else is normal, right? She shook her head and pushed her homework to the side, knowing it was futile. I don’t even know what normal is anymore. I hardly know myself or the things I want.
“Not true,” she muttered to herself. “You know exactly what you want.”
She stopped still at the sound of the front door sliding open and the rustle of footsteps growing nearer. But Minako couldn’t be here just yet, it wasn’t –
“Bah! It’s been the longest day ever!”
With this exclamation, the volleyball captain burst into the room and chucked her pack into her little corner. Rei stood up, slowly recovering from the shock of Minako’s sudden appearance and the fact that she hadn’t changed out of her shortshorts! volleyball uniform. “Don’t you . . . have practice right now?”
Minako grinned at Rei’s surprise and slunk closer. “We finished our sets early,” she purred. “I’m all yours for the rest of the day.”
Rei half wanted to flee at the velvety edge to Minako’s voice and in her eyes. There was a natural sensuality to the blonde’s slightest actions that was frighteningly seductive and grew more and more transparent since they had begun . . . whatever it was they were doing. Dating? Rei wasn’t sure, but Minako had begun to treat their relationship differently and Rei, as usual, tried to flow with it as gracefully as possible in order to survive.
So when their lips met and moved in a flare of heat and the pull of something visceral, Rei closed her eyes not to relish in the contact, the pure softness of the touch, but to focus as hard as she could on keeping her head above the tides of fearful new sensations.
Sure, I guess.
Don’t look so scared! I won’t be cooking so ur safe except haha it was mostly my mother’s idea that you come over
Why would she want me to come over?
Because she’s insufferably curious
P.S. Have u never passed notes before? Ur supposed to be subtle about it
It must run in the family. Now I’m not sure if I want to come over.
P.S. No, I don’t pass notes in class. How juvenile is this?
Oh but u must come over. Being around my mum will help u appreshiate how well balanced and tame I am
P.S. It’s not juvenile, it’s FUN!
Or I will simply develop an apreshiashon for solitude.
Don’t mock my spelling!
But u set urself up 4 it.
You’re a big meanie! Now suffer my pouty glare
I’m suffering stomach cramps trying not to laugh.
Good. I hope they hurt
Okay, okay, I’ll be nice to you. Stop making that face.
Will you gimme a kiss to make it better?
Not now.
Later?
If you’re good.
I’m always good. ;)
Oh yeah! There’s a party this weekend!
No thanks.
Oh, but this one you HAVE TO COME TO!!!
And what makes you think that?
I’m the one throwing it.
So, I have no choice?
None at all.
I guess I’ll have to be there then.
WOOT!
On her way up the stairs to the front door, someone stumbled out, laughing, and was soon followed by a couple of others in similar conditions. “Woah!” he hollered upon seeing her. “Check out this chick!” he commanded his friends, pointing at Rei.
She kept walking with the aim to brush him off.
“Wait! Waitaminit! Do you wanna come? We’re just going for a little . . . you know.” He made some strange hand sign which Rei had never seen, but could guess implied something to do with narcotics.
This time, she really did keep walking – straight into the jaws of hell.
It might have once been a spacious living room, but packed to bursting with spinning, lurching, dancing teenagers, it was anyone’s guess what the room used to be. Only those closest to the entrance noticed her appearance, and they were content to simply stare for a moment before returning to whatever occupied them previously. Rei herself had to stand and stare for a while, taking in the raucous crowd of hormonal bodies, the uncomfortably loud stereo and the blurry haze of confusion the whole atmosphere seemed to induce.
It wasn’t her first party by any means. It was nigh impossible to get halfway through the last portion of one’s education without covering Drunken Antics 101 and perhaps gleaning a little Inebriated Sexual Exploits 203. Still, the sheer magnitude, and the fact that she’d been avoiding shindigs such as this one like the plague left Rei feeling a prickly mixture of anxious, shell-shocked and awkward.
Then the door behind her swung open, and before she even had the chance to look back, bodies were jostling her forward. Like a dead soul being dragged downward into a gaping chasm in the earth, Rei was rushed in among the confusion and swallowed whole, confronted with faces and bodies she had never seen and never wanted to be so close to ever again.
The swarm of smashed dancers heaved around her roughly in time with the music and Rei was forced to adapt to it in her quest for some form of exit from the pandemonium. She could feel sweat rising on her skin, some of it due to the muggy heat of pressed bodies, some of it originating straight from those other bodies. She gave up trying to worm her way through people delicately and took to using her elbows when some guy pressed himself in behind her and shouted, “Hey, I’m Tooru!” But she could only become lost in the crowd that mostly towered over her Damn guys for being so tall and wouldn’t move for her to get by Damn girls for being so catty.
The movement around her paused only once for an emergency. A couple came shoving their way through, the guy holding hair out of a girl’s pale face and a bowl out in front of the girl who was looking just a little ragged and desperate.
That break was enough. As the music caught them up again, Rei darted through the path left in the barfy couple’s wake and staggered free into a hallway littered with empties, a passed-out partier and a couple making out like their tongues had been born into the wrong mouths.
Never again! she swore to herself. After this party, that was it; she would try doubly hard to dodge these godforsaken gatherings of crazed, hedonistic drunks. She straightened her clothes out, girded her loins for battle, and moved on to tackle the kitchen – a room only slightly smaller, but much tamer in comparison to the living room. And, as an added bonus, this room contained the face she’d been praying to see.
Her eyes locked onto the blonde figure approaching at an enthusiastic pace and a measure of self control was found in the soothing fraction of stability the familiar, smiling face offered her. The dizziness, the dread, and the mind numbing disorder where all toned down to the point where Rei nearly felt like herself again.
“You made it!” Minako cheered.
Yes indeed, she had made it.
“. . . Yes. Do I know you?”
“Tomiyama Kagura – I’m Minako’s friend.”
“Mm.”
“Sooo . . . how’s the shrine?”
“Fine.”
“Um . . . and how about the studying?”
“Fine as well.”
“I bet it must be loads of fun tutoring Minako. Though . . . maybe you don’t get much tutoring done . . . ?”
“We . . . what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Right. It’s not like she’s subtle about it you know.”
“We’re not together if that’s what you’re trying to imply.”
“So you say.”
“. . .”
“Okay, I’m not trying to be a bitch but really, you need to either give in or get out. It’s killing me!”
“Killing you?”
“Yeah! If I have to listen to her rant about how much she wants you one more time it’s seppuku for me, I swear.”
“She . . . rants?”
“And pines and complains and moans. It’s pathetic, really.”
“She doesn’t rant to me.”
“Well duh, she’s trying to warm you up to the idea, not force it on you.”
“Who does she rant to? Just you?”
“And whenever she drinks.”
“At parties!?”
“Yeah, like all the time. She spent this one party at Akio’s house stumbling around, raving about how unfair it is that no one understands what she’s going through. So I ask her what she’s talking about and she goes, haha, she goes, ‘I’m talking about sex, okay!? She can’t just not want it, that’s impossible! She’s pretending, right?’ and then she throws her jacket on and staggers out the door. ”
“. . . This wasn’t on a Friday, was it?”
“Uh, yeah, yeah it was . . . wait . . . she went to your place didn’t she?”
“No.”
“She did!! Ah, and asked you out afterwards, I get it.”
“Just how much does she tell you?!”
“Far, far too much.”
“. . .”
“Eheh, she’s right, you are scary when you’re angry. Look, just give her a quick boink and we can all be on our merry way.”
“. . . You did not just say that.”
“Er . . . would you prefer to make sweet, tender, passionate –”
“Nevermind!”
Rei eyed it sceptically and did little more than sip, though Minako knew for a fact that it tasted just fine. She was on her fourth, after all. “Cheers!” she approved, downed the rest of her drink, and sat up on the counter. Rei wore a reluctant grin at this and yelped when Minako pulled her over by folding her long legs around Rei’s waist.
“You’re crafty,” Minako declared at nearly a shout to speak above the music.
“Am I? You’re the one who tricked me into coming here,” Rei protested, while looking unsure of where to put her hands. She settled for resting them at Minako’s bare knees and made a point of ignoring how delightfully short Minako’s skirt was.
“There was no trick!” Minako insisted. “But I should have known you’d show up late so that you wouldn’t have to party for long.”
Rei just shrugged, not at all ashamed. Her cheeks did flush when Minako laced their fingers together and pulled her hands higher. The blonde leaned in, but her lips went to Rei’s ear.
“Do you wanna dance, or find someplace quieter?”
“No dancing,” Rei said adamantly.
Minako was fine with this choice. It wasn’t so much dancing as a mosh-pit anyway. She had no idea she’d invited so many people. And anyway, she and Rei in a quiet place was sure to be its own kind of fun.
She was off the counter in a flash and slipping her way across the kitchen to the back door like she was on a mission. Minako trusted Rei to follow, and was not disappointed when the other girl eventually arrived. She didn’t get more than two steps outside when a grinning Minako seized her by the hand and tugged her off the illuminated back porch and around the side of the house.
“Now you’ve fallen into my trap,” Minako whispered with a dark smile and pulled them closer together.
Their rushed kisses went unseen, each lasting longer than the previous one. Outside, in the dark, Rei responded with the intensity she usually kept tethered at bay, just as Minako had hoped she would. The miko could be dizzyingly passionate when she let herself.
“Mmm, I’ve been waiting for this all night,” Minako hummed in a low voice and felt Rei shiver. “All these people kept throwing themselves at me, but I want you.” Her lips found their way back to Rei’s in another intense kiss that was borderline messy in its urgency. “I want you.”
The miko eventually had to check Minako’s wandering hands and reinforce her own inhibitions. The blonde laughed happily, kept a grip on Rei, and led them back inside.
We have a problem.
Rei frowned and tensed. She slumped. “Yes.”
What will you do?
“W-what should I do?” Her searching eyes pleaded with the empty white space.
You should decide what to do.
She clenched her fists in frustration. “How can I decide what to do if I don’t know?”
You do.
“I don’t!”
You do.
“. . . I don’t want to push her away.”
You do.
“Maybe . . .”
And yet,
Her head rested in her hands. “I want to keep her close.”
And yet,
“Not too close.”
What will you do?
“I can’t decide!”
What do you want?
“Her . . .”
And yet,
“I don’t want to – to, you know . . . fall.”
You don’t even know why that is.
“It frightens me! And no good can come of it! What more is there to know!?”
You tell me.
“I have no idea . . .”
Do you think she’ll be happy being held at a distance?
“No . . .”
So what will you do?
“I don’t want to do anything.”
But you must. The world does not sit still around you and neither does she.
Rei looked up. The featureless white room looked the same through her tears. “This is too much.”
Choose or the choice will be made for you.
“I can’t handle this . . .” She stared at her hands.
And yet,
“I have to.”
What will you do?
Rei drew her knees up to her chest and curled into herself. It was hard to breathe. She wanted to scream. It came out as a whisper. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t . . . Please don’t make me choose . . .”
Minako just grinned and nodded, muttered something about practice Monday, and leaned in for a hug goodbye before Kagura could swagger away, swaying like she was walking on an uneven surface. Rei chuckled and leaned against the dining room table.
“And here I thought she was frank when she was sober.”
The blonde found this hilarious and stepped in to stand close to the miko. “Her name is Kagura, Paul.” More uncontrollable laughter followed.
Rei vaguely understood the joke Minako was making, and chalked its lameness up to alcohol.
Minako’s laughter eventually reigned itself in and she noted, as if struck by a realisation, “I didn’t know you two had met.”
“She’s started talking to me in Bio.” Rei shrugged, but this didn’t seem to set Minako at ease.
Her face was deadly serious and her hands gripped Rei’s sides possessively. “It doesn’t matter. She’s straight, you know.”
“I’m not . . . interested.”
“Good. Now, let’s fool around,” she said, voice dropping to a level that Rei could only hear well enough to shiver at.
Their lips were not the only parts that touched. Standing so close together, it was a matter of scant centimetres to press their fronts flush with a warm, persuasive pressure. Minako smelled sweet and kissed with a grace that balanced the enthusiasm. It took Rei a second, but she did tense when the setting and intimacy of the moment returned to her.
The miko leaned away, only to be thwarted by Minako’s desperate unwillingness to be separated. Rei put a hand on Minako’s shoulder to keep her at a distance, looking around wildly at the people who really weren’t paying attention but seemed like an audience to her.
Minako reacted calmly, only turned her head to kiss the hand that held her back, looking sideways at Rei, who felt like her whole body was doing its best impression of a furnace when Minako’s tongue slipped out to lightly trace the inside of one slender finger.
And then Minako was moving away and pulling Rei with her, leading them through the groups of partiers that were now at the very pinnacle of their drunkenness. There were stairs, which Minako managed fairly well, and then a hallway and a door that closed behind them effectively shutting out the rest of the world.
“Is this what you want?” asked a voice that sounded a lot like Rei’s.
“This is what I want,” answered some aspect of Minako.
Is this how it is? she wondered as she moved toward the blonde standing at the foot of the bed. Is this what it is?
It felt strange to be the aggressor, like she was about to attack the other girl, except Minako’s come-get-me half lidded eyes cleared any illusion of unwillingness and Rei wasn’t advancing to take but to give. The space between them evaporated like the breath passing through their eager lips that quickly met, generating the sensation of swirling heat and perfect desire.
Hands and knees sank into the mattress and in the brief second that their lips separated to draw air into their lungs, Rei looked down through a screen of mussed bangs.
In Minako’s eyes, she saw nothing but fervent certainty and desperately, Rei tried to find the same within herself.
“You look tired,” Minako had pointed out in math.
This was met by a shrug. “I’m a little stressed. Grandpa’s not feeling well.”
“Why don’t I help you relax?” the blonde had asked with that grin.
And Rei had felt half inclined to give in, but had scoffed at the very notion of curing her stress with that which caused it. She was losing her mind grilling herself over just what she was doing with Minako.
I used to know what I wanted.
No I didn’t. I was simply content not knowing, letting my life make its way onward without having to feel change or attachment.
Things were better that way.
No, they were only safer.
So? Why should I have to take risks if there’s nothing to gain?
There is everything to gain.
So I’m led to believe. I’m fine the way I am.
I’m not happy.
I don’t need to be.
Everybody wants to be happy.
No, television, the media tells us we want to be happy.
Because it’s true.
What’s wrong with being unhappy? Maybe I’m comfortable in my misery, maybe this is what I want!
God, I’m so emo.
See? More pop culture – emo is just another slanderous word for people who don’t fit into society’s image of acceptability.
Huh, so I’m talking about societal acceptance? Then let’s address what’s really bothering me.
I’m not!
Not what?
I’m not gay!
It’s a very distinct possibility and I know it. And even if I’m not, what am I doing with Minako?
I . . .
I’m leading her on. She wants to and I haven’t said anything even remotely close to no.
I like her.
I’m using her. I’m just the average, sexually confused teenager experimenting on a “friend”.
I want to be friends.
I’m not even sure what it’s like to have friends.
I have friends!
Of course, but there are many kinds of friends. Mine have never even seen my home; do they even know I live with Grandpa? I’m using them too, using them so I don’t have to eat my lunch alone, so I can say my day at school was satisfying.
I do like them.
But not enough to truly want them. I want Minako.
She’s different. She . . . forces me to want her, jumps into my life without permission and pulls me into hers with just as little consent.
And do I resist?
No. I guess it’s nice to be wanted.
Except she wants me in ways I’m trying not to think about. And worse, she makes me want her like that too.
I . . . I can’t help it!
Exactly.
I can’t stop! I can’t help the way I feel!
So why fight it?
It’s not . . . right.
“I want you,” Minako breathed, leaned up to lay scalding kisses along Rei’s throat and tugged downward. “So much . . .”
Rei felt a sense of frustration, needed more, let herself press down on top of Minako and was pleased by the soft sigh and the arms that came around her tightly. Minako tasted sweet and faintly intoxicating, flavours that doubled when her tongue touched softly to the blonde’s lips and was permitted entry. From her throat emerged something between a sigh and a satisfied growl, evoking an echoing sound of agreement from Minako.
Another breathy, encouraging noise was made when Rei touched the soft skin at the blonde’s waist. Soliciting additional responses, her hands explored further, caressed ribs and spine, stroked the vulnerable dip of her stomach. Minako arched into the touch, broke from their heated kiss to urge her disjointedly to continue.
Rei sat back and pushed Minako’s thin top up, bunched it above her chest and leaned in. There was a quiet whimper and a moan when Rei’s lips found the soft peak of a breast, tasted the creamy skin, and brought her hand to caress the other. Grasping handfuls of dark hair, Minako murmured her name and was gratified when Rei continued her attentions, paid equal interest to both sides.
“Please . . .” she whispered, needs and wants expressing themselves in the single syllable. Rei rose up on an elbow and looked down at Minako’s flushed face. She was beautiful. Her eyes were bright and her lips were parted to pant and to sigh her name. “Rei . . .”
Minako’s arms tightened and Rei kissed her again, gently this time.
Her hand coasted down the blonde’s silky stomach to slip past the waist on her short skirt and slide along the inside of her hipbone. Minako shifted her legs to ease her access and shut her eyes with a moan.
Rei wasn’t sure what she was doing, only knew to find a smooth pace, and touched the places that made the blonde jerk and gasp. Minako clung to the slender, focused body above her and rocked her hips, panting inarticulate pleas and uttering faint curses. Breathless with want and desperate to see her through, Rei buried her head in the blonde’s neck and surrendered to heat and sweat and the soft, urgent voice in her ear.
With a tensing of her entire body and a hoarse cry, Minako trembled and clutched at the other girl’s back, her nails leaving deep red furrows.
“God, Rei . . . Rei . . .”
The miko shook at the sound of her name coming off Minako’s lips like that. She put her arms around the panting body that clung to her and looked down when those tense arms began to unwind.
Latent bliss cleared from blue eyes and their blazing clarity was the one thing that Rei clung to. They were the one thing she could track as her world was flipped and sent spinning away into the night by the blonde’s irresistible will to overcome and to please. For a brief, mindless moment, Rei felt sure.
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