The Same Again
AN: Ignore the title; I'm not good in inventing titles. Please read &
review
Days like these are familiar to me. We've already shared so many of
them. She knows she can always come to me, turn to me to for comfort or
advice, sure that I'll help her.
She's my best friend. I'll always be there if she needs me.
We've spent countless afternoons together in her apartment, me helping
her studying whenever she had messed up her grades. I've accompanied her
to go shopping when she needed to find new clothes for a date with her
latest crush. And I've soothed her during all the nights she came to me
crying, because the chosen guy once again had turned out to be nothing
but a stupid jerk.
Just like this very evening. I've been reading one of my mother's
medical journals when the ringing of the doorbell stirred me up.
Wondering who it could be to ring at my door on a Friday evening at half
past ten I hurried to open the door.
Outside you stood, tightly wrapped in your drenched coat, your soaked
brown hair clinging to your neck.
"Hi Ames" you said with a weary smile.
For a brief moment I must have looked shocked at your appearance. Then
noticing that you shivered lightly. I gestured you in. An instant we
stood in the hallway in silence before you started to talk. "I'm sorry
for bothering you so late, but..." you didn't meet my eyes, awkward. I
just took your wet coat from your shoulders. "You know you're always
welcome. Now hand me your clothes and take a hot shower. I don't want
you to get sick." I firmly told you. You opened your mouth again to say
something but I cut you off before you could voice anything. "Mako-chan,
you can tell me everything later. Just take a shower now, you're already
shivering! I make some tea for us meanwhile." The last part I added with
a comforting smile. This time you obeyed and set off for the bathroom.
The fact that you came here in the middle of the night, especially in
such a horrible weather, meant nothing good. It worried me more than I
was willing to show, yet the most important thing right now was to warm
you up. Always one by one. I could get the details why you were here
later. You wouldn't have come if you hadn't needed someone to talk to.
I've put your stuff in the dryer, laid a shirt and a pair of my mother's
pants in front of the bathroom door, then I went to the kitchen.
That's where I am now, in front of the stove, waiting for the water to
boil, while my mind comes up with what could have possibly ruined your
date so badly. You'd been out with him three or four times, I think and
once we all met in the Crown you introduced me to him. A tall, black
haired guy named Jun. And though I always dislike the guys one whom you
crush, I had to admit he was very handsome. Plus he seemed really nice
and fairly intelligent as well.
So what the hell had happened? I wish I knew. What has that stupid idiot
done to my angel, that you shows up here all soaked and drained. It
hurts me to see you like that. It hurts even more not knowing why you're
all upset.
By the time I've placed the mugs additional to some crackers on the
table, you return from the bathroom. Your chestnut locks are still wet
and tossled, but besides you seem in a little better condition now.
Motioning for you to sit down I hand you the mug, settling myself down
next to you.
"That'll warm you up from the inside." I say attempting to hide the
concern in my voice.
In return I get another weary smile, along with a murmured "Thank you"
We drink our tea in silence. I don't want to push, you've always told me
what was bugging you when you were ready. This time it'll be the same, I
know.
After what feels like an eternity of silence, you finally look up,
meeting my gaze.
"I'm sorry for bulging in at this time of the night." You say again.
"I've already told you I don't mind. I was still up anyway."
You still seem to feel slightly uncomfortable, so I add quietly. "You
know my mom's out working this night. I'm happy to have company,
especially you." And I mean it.
You grant me a smile, a little one only, but truly happy at my words.
"Ames, I always come to you with my load of problems. You never complain
about me, though you'd have it lot easier only sorting out your own
stuff. And after all you've done so far I only reward you by doing the
same mistakes over and over again. Don't you feel tired off all this?"
You've turned you face away before you started, but the bitterness in
your voice shocks me. Though I can't see your eyes the must look empty
now, empty and bitter, just like your voice. Honestly, I don't know an
answer to your question, Makoto.
Sure, I've been to hell and back every time you told me about your
latest crush, perfectly aware that I won't ever achieve that loving gaze
through your clouded emerald orbs.
The first time when you told me, you were in love, I couldn't place that
stinging pain in my stomach. Yet through the years I've learnt to
recognize it. All too well, it seems to me.
You tell me you've fallen for guy and the pain in my stomach occurs
again.
You tell me how great your first date went and I feel like crying.
You tell me what a good kisser he is and my heart is being ripped out of
its place again.
But I never show it to you. I smile at you, telling you how wonderful it
is for you to be in love. The tears are forced back, they're only shed
at night, in the concealing darkness of my bedroom, where no one can see
them.
'Yes, I am tired of this, tired of the pain of unrequited love, tired of
crying out my eyes over you all night, tired of pretending not to feel
more than a friend. And most of all I am fed up of acting as if I would
like your boyfriends.'
But I won't say that.
I'll simply act as I always do. Silence my mind and seal the pain away,
just as usual.
I only get up and fetch a brush. Settling down behind you I begin to
comb your hair.
Never will I be your lover, but I'll always be your best friend.
Therefore I have to act as your best friend, not as a lover.
While I gently brush your silky hair, I know your still waiting for an
answer.
"Makoto, what are we best friends for, if you don't want to tell me your
problems?" A question in return is not the best answer, your stoic eyes
locked to the wall tell me so.
I sigh. "Mako-chan, friendship is nothing to be rewarded for. You are
always there for me, whenever I need someone. I'm just the same for you
and I wouldn't have it any other way."
I feel your muscles relax, you seem a little more at ease with the
situation, though you remain silent. I'm slowly running out of patience,
it's time to make you tell, so raise my voice again.
"We can't help who we fall in love with, It just happens." 'How true
this is' Luckily you can't see my ironic grin. "If we would know from
the beginning who we are meant to be with, we wouldn't ever be deceived,
disappointed, or sad." Damn right!' "But we also won't cherish the love
we have, because only the pain we've suffered can show us the sweetness
of what we have."
"That's really wise, Ames, but every time I fall in love I think this is
finally something to last, just to be the fool after two weeks again. My
heart has been broken so many times now, I don't know if it will ever
really heal."
'I know Mako, I know. I wonder the same, since my heart broke too, every
time you had someone new.'
"One day it will. To someone out there you mean the world." I softly
tell you. "Now tell me what went wrong with Jun and draw a line. You're
worth far more than to cry over that guy."
"Hai Ami-chan." I'm finished with combing your hair and you suddenly
lean back in my arms. I pull you close, resting my head atop of yours.
Then you start.
"I've told you we would go to cinema this evening, right?" I nod,
brushing my cheek against your hair.
"Well, we have been there and at the beginning it was really nice, we
ate popcorn, he made some jokes about the film and after a while we uhm,
well we started kissing."
At this point you take a deep breath, and I once again feel stabbed.
"But he wanted more, soon he slipped his hands under my shirt. When he
started to touch my breasts, I pushed him away. I told him I don't want
to take things so rapid, but instead off stopping he forced me into
another kiss and made a way under my skirt this time. I:.. I"
You break off sobbing, it has affected you more than you want to admit.
I'm shocked, shocked and furious, I swear, if I ever get him, that Jun
will pay for what he did to you!
"Shh Mako, it's alright now." I whisper in your ear, rocking you
tenderly. For a span of time there is silence, except your small sobs.
Then you continue, this time a small wicked grin playing around your
lips. "That was enough. I ripped myself loose and sent him straight to
the ground with such a blast that he passed out."
I can't help but chuckle, that truly my Mako-chan.
"What happened then?" I ask.
"Dunno, I stormed out after that and to you right away."
"Poor Jun, I almost pity him. Do you think he's in hospital now?" I hope
my voice is not dripping with satisfaction. For the first time this
evening I get a real smile from you.
"Nah, probably not, but I'm sure he learnt his lesson."
Later, when we both lie in my bed, I watch you. Up on own elbow, so I
can better admire your beautiful face. A streetlamp throws in a pale
light through the curtains of rain. In your slumber you look peaceful
and fragile. Though you cover it up at daytime in your unguarded sleep
your fragile heart is obvious. Earlier you've asked me I've I weren't
tired of all this and I was tempted to say yes. It's so hard act as I
don't suffer pain every time you go out with a boy. Really I want you to
be happy. Therefore I try my best to be happy as well when you've found
someone new, but it's often so difficult to keep the facade up. There's
just no denying that I wish you could share that love with me instead of
them.
Looking down at my right hand that is resting between us, just as yours,
I smile. You've grabbed it and entwined our fingers before you fell
asleep.
Now I know an answer why I'm still not fed up. It's because of moments
like this.
It's to me you come running when you're all troubled, in me you confide
your sorrows.
Not those guys but me you tell all your secrets and in my arms you feel
save.
These moments when I have you for my own, they keep me going on.
Again I let my gaze linger on your angelic features. Maybe it's selfish
to wish you would fall for me as I can never give you all the things a
man could, though I certainly wouldn't ever make you cry. Never.
Maybe being your best friend is all I can achieve, but I won't ever stop
loving you, even if you'll never know. Perhaps someday you'll realize. I
shall wait until then. Right by your side, as always. I lean down and
place a soft kiss on your lips. You don't stir. I'll content myself with
what I get, my love will still be there, when all those guys have left
you. My love will last forever.
"Good night, my love." I whisper before I close my eyes.
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