Je savais le silence depuis longtemps J'en sais la violence, son goût de sang Rouge colères, sombres douleurs Je sais ces guerres, j'en ai pas peur Je sais me défendre, j'ai bien appris On est pas des tendres par ici Je sais les hivers, je sais le froid Mais la vie sans toi, je sais pas (Céline Dion) I knew silence for a long time I know it's violence, it's taste of blood Loud rage, silent pain I know these wars, I am not afraid of them I know how to defend myself, I learned it well People aren't very sensible here I know the winter, I know the bitter cold But life without you, I don't know. Author's note: It's my free translation from >I don't know<, because the French version is a little bit different and a little bit sadder (that's my opinion). To all those French people outside: I did my best with translation, I only had some years at school. For all those people who read my first fanfics, don't be shocked, it's complete another story. It has nothing to do with the events that happened in the past during my last short stories. And it has another style. It isn't so funny because there're no Star Lights and hardly a Sailor Team who would make it funny. Don't blame me for wrong details but I never lived with a handicapped person. Maybe it isn't so easy to find back into >normal< life again. Maybe it isn't so easy to face one's destiny. Maybe it takes much more time until you can laugh about yourself again. And maybe there's too often no hope of cure. Normally I don't excuse myself for my writing but if I am hurting just one person out there on this wonderful world: I am really sorry. Gomen. I didn't mean it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Epilogue: Life without you... It stopped raining at dawn. Soon the raising sun broke soon through the dark clouds that had covered the sky for the last days. In the bright light the last raindrops started to sparkle and it looked as if nature was covered with shinning pearls. Fresh wind played with the coloured leaves of the trees. Some danced exited in the morning dust and the rushing was almost appeasing. Surely it was going to be one of those days why this months was sometimes called golden September. Silently she stood at the open window. The wind played with the wide dark shirt she was wearing over her blue jeans. She closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing. Sunglasses hide her eyes, a dark cap her short blonde hairs. This is going to be my last race. She raised her hands and reached out for the chestnut tree that was standing in front of her window. She knew she couldn't touch the leaves after they cut the big branch that was once her lifeline. With the help of this tree she often escaped him. So many times she sat in the crown and looked at heaven above, feeling the wind rushing through the leaves around her. There she almost felt free and she wished that she could leave forever. She wanted to become the wind to be fast enough to escape forever. Today I'll be able to. Her face was motionless as she stood there for a while, the arm wide stretched to touch the tree that used to be her only friend for so many years. Her gesture looked like a goodbye wave. "Haruka? Breakfast!" She winced as she heard the loud voice downstairs. Actually she wasn't very hungry but she knew she had to eat anything because the racing could be exhausting. And she knew that he would force her to eat if she didn't. Slowly she turned around but the pain was faster. It flashed through her body and she winced again. Quietly she groaned and took a deep breathe. She knew this feelings. She was used to it. Carefully she went downstairs and entered a light and comfortable kitchen. Her muesli stood on the table while her father drank is coffee behind the newspapers. Haruka sighed silently as she sat down and forced herself to eat her breakfast. At least the milk tastes fresh. "That's what they deserved!" growled her father but Haruka didn't ask. She understood little of politics and she wasn't interested in the old men playing chefs but being at the same time still little children who are fighting for their favourite toys. "I hope you are prepared, Haruka. Because today is a very important race for your career." Said the huge man and laid down the newspaper. He ran a hand through is blonde hair and got up. "I expect from you to break the track record this time. You can do it, I know it." He came over to her and she automatically ducked. "Don't dare it to dishonour me again, Haruka!" Then he left the kitchen and the girl lowered her head and pushed her breakfast aside. "Hai." She whispered with a low voice and took the newspapers to think of anything else. Today I won't dishonour you. Today I will break the track record. And then I will leave you and this bloody life forever! Silently she read the news and the temperature for the next days. It was going to be a lovely September. That was good, because the summer had been cold and wet. Why do I care for the weather? She closed the newspaper and froze in motion as she read the headline: Famous musician and his family involved in a deadly car accident. "Goddess..." she whispered as she looked at the picture below. The silver Ferrari that used to be the realisation of a dream was not more than a small quarter of metal and sheet metal. A red fluid covered the asphalt of the street below and Haruka was sure that it was blood. No, no one could survive such a terrible accident. What happened? "The cause isn't found yet. The best piano player of Japan died at the place of accident. His wife fought long but she died at the way to the hospital. Their daughter lays in hospital. She is unconscious and the doctors don't see a chance that she will awake again. What a tragedy..." read Haruka aloud and didn't even mention that her voice was very shaky with a sudden. Her hands who hold the paper trembled and she felt trapped with all a sudden. She couldn't breathe anymore and nausea filled her belly and increased. What a tragedy! She read the article once more as if it would change. But it didn't. What a tragedy... Haruka rose from her chair and it crashed the floor as she spun around and run upstairs as if bloodhounds haunted her. She ignored the shouting of her father and entered her bathroom. She locked the door and went into her knees beside the toilette. Then she threw up her breakfast. She kneeled there for a long time and couldn't fight back a sob. She isn't dead. Maybe she'll survive it. Very slowly Haruka came back to her feet and reeled over to the washbasin to cool her hands and her sweaty face. Surely she'll survive it. She's the strongest human I've ever met. Haruka shook her head then she entered her room again. Her rucksack was already packed with her lunch, her racing suit and her English book. She'd write a test the next day and her father expected only good marks. And English wasn't her favourite lesson. Her French was even worse. Why should I learn all these silly languages when all I should do is racing the motorbike and full filling his dreams? Not my own ones... Determined she threw the book and her lunch under her bed and took an old photo album and her worn-out teddy bear in it. She looked around her room and her Walkman and a black pullover followed. Sadly she observed the rucksack. Strange, that's all what I own. That's all what would remember the world that I lived. Fifteen long years. And all I would leave are a teddy and some photos. She ignored the cupboards being filled with trophies. She didn't need them. Not really. They couldn't full fill her dream. Hai, on her Suzuki she was very fast. There she could almost feel free. There she wasn't only as fast as the wind. There she was the wild element. Actually she didn't want to win. She simply wanted to escape. To go to a place where no one would ever hurt her again. "Haruka! We have to leave now!" The girl nodded and left her room without looking back. She knew that she would never return again and she didn't regret it. She thought at the headlines of the newspaper and knew that she would break every record today just to let this race be over as quickly as possible. Please live! If not for yourself or your music, then live for me. Because I need you. Haruka was almost shocked as she felt the tears burning in her eyes. She hadn't cried the last two years and she hardly ever cried before. "Haruka! Hurry up!" "Hai!" The girl ran downstairs and joined her father to go over to the big red car he was driving. Silently she sat down and reached automatically for the belt. Her father switched on the radio and Haruka made a face as she heard the famous love song they played a lot at the last time. "You'll break the track record and make me honour, won't you?" asked her father as they left the drive and headed towards the highway. "Hai." Whispered Haruka and looked out of the window and watched the world flying by. "That's my good boy." Haruka's eyes grew wide behind her sunglasses but she didn't say a word. She just pressed her lips together and automatically crossed her arms before her chest. It was an almost protectively gesture. > That's what they deserved! < she heard again the voice of her father in her head and clenched her fists under her arms. I hate you! But she knew that she would never say it aloud. Maybe he knew about her feelings. Maybe he didn't. Probably he simply didn't care. As long as she full filled his dreams how he wanted it everything was alright for him. Haruka shivered slightly although it was very warm in the car. She knew too well what happened when she couldn't full fill his expectations. Perhaps it isn't going to be my last race. The girl leaned her head against the seat and closed her eyes. But surely it's the last time that he will ever see me! *** "Exited?" Haruka didn't even look up as the old mechanic entered the box. She already wore her racing suit and now she tried to repair her motorbike as fast as possible. Dirt and oil covered her arms as she worked with the spanner. "What are you doing? I watched it yesterday and it was okay. Did I oversee anything?" Now the voice of the old man was very concerned. He came nearer and looked over her shoulder. "The brake hose is cut?" he whispered and observed with his dark eyes the kneeling girl in front of him. "But that wasn't yesterday when I checked it. I swear." "Don't tell father." Was all Haruka replied as she finished her work and cleaned her hands on an old towel. A shocked expression appeared on the old man's face. "You're still wearing your sunglasses? How can you see anything? It's very dark in here." He reached for her but Haruka was too quick. She jumped back and took her helmet in her hands. "Is that cool?" asked the old man then he shook his head. He knew little about the young generation but he knew that it wasn't fashion that forced the girl to wear her cap and her sunglasses almost always. "Without a break you'd be able to get to the start but the first bent is too dangerous to..." The old mechanic whispered as Haruka pulled her helmet over her head. The sunglasses and the cap went into her rucksack. Then she put it on her back. It had the same colour as her racing suit and was covered with advertising. When they got to know it, it was too late to call her back. Carefully she took the heavy motorbike and slowly left the box. The old mechanic followed her and held her back. His dark eyes looked really concerned down at her. "Why did you change your opinion with all a sudden?" he asked with a shaky voice. Haruka sighed slightly but she understood him. He was there since she started racing. For his possibilities he cared for her. Sometimes he protected her from the rude opponents who didn't want to loose against a boy much younger than they. The old mechanic was kind of a father to her. Or the grandfather she never had. "There's still someone out there who needs me." She declared quietly and entered the bright sunshine on the track. There's still someone out there who wants me. *** She raced like a devil. No one could hinder her. No one could detain her. The track seemed to be too long for her and it took her too much time until she reached the start again. So she speeded up and every bent was a new adventure if the Suzuki would make it or not. At the tenth round she broke the track record. She broke it with a time her father always dreamed of. Surely it would take another long time until it would be broken again. But she didn't care about it. She just drove like crazy and lapped the last drivers. The audience yelled and the commentator talked the whole time exited. They'd never seen anything like that before in their whole life. Please, stay alive! Please, god, let her live! It was the first time that she prayed. She never really believed in god because she was convinced that there was no higher power above. Otherwise he certainly had a lot of fun to watch her life and make it worse with every bloody day! But now she prayed with all her heart. If there was such a power he should watch over her. The daughter of the piano player never did anything wrong. She was the sunshine of her parents. She's the light in my darkness. Minutes seemed to last like hours and it seemed to last eternity until she reached the goal. The second racer would arrive two minutes later and she knew that she had driven the race of her life. The audience yelled and it was her honour to drive another lap to enjoy her victory until she had to go to the box again. But this time she didn't even think about this honour. Instead of becoming slower she even speeded up. "What the hell are you doing?" she heard her father in the micro she wore in her ear. She reached for the cable and ripped it. The angry voice died away and she concentrated on the exit. It was the exit for normal people but she knew that she couldn't escape on a different way. The audience seemed to feel it and the people stepped aside. She bowed over her handlebars and ignored the pain that went through her body. The audience yelled as she left the track and drove through the mass, through the exit and on the street behind the arena. Her wheels squealed on the hot asphalt and some cars had to break as she crossed the street and turned around to take the direct way to the highway. She knew where the piano player moved with his family two years ago. And she believed to know in which hospital his daughter laid and fought with her life. Don't loose this fight! Her birthplace was several hundred miles away from the hospital but Haruka was trained well. She speeded up on the highway and she knew that she would reach the big city in about an hour or less. And she knew that her father would never be able to find her in that city. He will never force me again! The wind played with her racing suit as she speeded up until she reached her limit. She didn't hesitate and crossed it. The highway made a bent and behind it she could see the wide ocean. She had to train too much and so she was hardly be able to watch nature's beauty. The surface shimmered like silver in the bright sun. Steady waves crushed at the beach and somewhere behind the horizon sky and sea seemed to become one. Strange, I never had a place to go. But now she felt as if she was coming home. *** "It's such a pity." Declared the nurse to her colleague and thanked for the warm coffee. It was evening and there was little to do. The patients slept and the operations were over. Now they had to watch over the ill people to make sure that they'd experience the next day. This was the intensive care unit. The two nurses had seen a lot of sorrow in their lives but times by times even they were really shocked. "Hai, she's so young. Only fourteen. And so talented. The newspapers said that she learned the clarinet..." "No, it was a violin." "Right, the violin since she's four years old and strong enough to hold it. She gave her first concerts with eight and she's very known. Almost as known as her father in the music world of Japan." The first nurse sighed and drank a bit of her hot coffee. "She's just too young for this destiny." Declared the second nurse and took sugar in her coffee. "Maybe it's karma that she won't survive." "Is it so sure?" "The doctor looked at her with that look on his face this morning. You know that look that makes your heart break." "Hai." Silence evolved between them and they sighed again. "Maybe it's better that she'll die. After all what will she have from her life?" asked the first nurse very silently. "But she's so young. She has so much time left, so much to experience. So much to learn." "The doctor isn't sure if she has any brain damages. Maybe she's deaf or blind if she'll awake again. Or she'll be mental handicapped. Then she'll be a person in need of care the rest for her life. A dead spirit trapped in a still living body." "It's such a pity. She's such a beautiful girl. And so young! It's said she won a lot of prices with her music and with swimming. She must be a very good swimmer." "That's over now for sure. Even if she awakes and even if her brain is okay she'll never be able to walk again. Her legs are broken and the doctor supposes that her backbone got a bad damage." "But she could live a normal life! Even if she has to use a wheelchair, she would still be able to play her music, to fall in love, to finish school and to get married one day. Her parents were very rich and she'd inherit enough to make her life worth living. She can even drive a car when she uses the helps of special apparatuses!" "But she's unconscious and the doctor don't think that she will awake again. She's almost dead and we can't help her anymore. It's her will to survive now. Maybe she already knows that her parents are dead and she doesn't want to awake anymore. The newspapers wrote that she loved her parents very much and her parents loved her in return. She has no grandparents and no other relatives. Maybe it's better to die after a short but happy life than to live a long but very lonely one. After all there's no one who would take care for her." The nurse sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "And even if she's rich it's still very hard to find a person who wants to live the rest of his life with a handicapped person. She would learn a lot again but there are things she would need help for forever. Believe me, it's hard to find such a person. My nephew lost a leg because of an accident and it's very hard for him at school. A lot of students deride him and no girl wants to go out with him." "But she's so young!" "Hai..." Again silence evolved between them and quietly they drank their coffee. "It's such a pity." *** Haruka took a deep breathe then she averted from the two nurses. She wore her normal clothes again and the sunglasses although she could hardly see anything in the dark corridor. The motorbike stood in the parking space hidden in the shadows of huge trees. Silently the girl crept through the hospital. Her heart beat violently inside her chest and she could hardly think a clear thought. Her mind was dizzy and the whole world begun to spun around her as she heard the cruel words of the nurses again and again in her head. She mustn't die! Haruka sneaked into the room and froze in motion by the door. There in the middle of the room in a bed laid a girl under white blankets. Her sea green hair that once shimmered in the bright sun was now matt. The face was covered with bruises and the once so red cheeks were pale. Deep shadows laid under her once so shinning eyes. No smile laid on the now almost white lips. Motionless the girl laid there, just her chest moved with the regular noises of the machines that hold her body back from dying. Hoses were connected to her mouth, her neck and her arms. Two drips were connected to her left wrist. The legs were in plastercasts. She looks so fragile. Haruka swallowed hard and didn't even mention that tears were running down her cheeks. Tears she never felt during the last two years when she went through hell. When I thought I knew what hell was. Now I see what real hell is. She closed the door and came slowly over to the bed. The steady noises of the machines were driving her crazy but she calmed herself down and forced herself to sit down on the chair beside the bed. "You mustn't die." Declared the girl with a shaky voice and more tears ran down her cheeks. Carefully she touched the right hand of the pale patient who brought a little happiness in her painful life. For only some weeks. But these weeks had been the best in all those terrible fifteen years. Those weeks had been worth living this nightmare. "Can you hear me?" whispered Haruka and caressed tenderly the pale cheeks and the matt hairs. Once she had touched them, too. But two blue eyes had shone up to her and a loving smile had touched her heart two years ago. Once she had embraced the pale girl and felt her arms around herself as well. And just for once she had kissed her. It was the gentlest touch she'd ever experienced and sometimes she thought that she was born just for this moment that lasted for eternity. And that was so fast over as if it didn't happen at all. But it changed my life forever. "I know you're not gone." Haruka wasn't good at words. She never knew what to say best and so she often kept silent. When her father argued with her she knew that it was better to keep silent. Also in other situations it was too hard for to explain her feelings. But now the words were just pouring out of her mouth. "You can't be gone! Remember what we promised each other at that time! We promised to go to the same school so that we can be together without him interfering in our world. We promised to be together for the rest of our lives. You wanted to go on tour with your violin and I wanted to join you with my piano play. Even your dad said that I am very good at it. You can't forget those weeks then! You can't forget all those words we've said. You can't..." Haruka sobbed and with a sudden she wasn't ashamed of it. "You're all I've got, Michi-chan. You're the one who keeps me going on. You're the only reason for me being alive. What shall I do without you? You're the ray of hope in my dark life. You can't just go like that. There is too much to do for you. You're so talented! The people need your music! They need you being part of their society. You always wanted to go to high school. To become a real musician. To see the world. You always wanted to visit Europe and America. That's all possible. Just stay alive. Just awake again. Please!" It was the second time in her whole life that Haruka pleaded for anything. "Don't go, Michi-chan. I need you." She whispered and held the lifeless hand on her now wet cheeks. Warm tears ran down the icy fingers. "Please, come back to me! I need you so much! Please, Michi-chan!" As the pale girl didn't react Haruka lowered her head and sobbed helplessly. She heard the shaky voice somewhere in the dark. She was here for such a long time that she thought it was right so. That she belonged in the dark. It seemed to be right to stay here forever. A feeling said her that there were other people in the dark who wanted her to stay. Then there was a bright light and she headed towards it. She saw two figures standing in it. "Mom! Dad!" she screamed and wanted to run towards them. But at that moment she heard the shaky voice. She blinked and turned around. But there was only darkness. Her parents were still standing in the light, reaching her hands out for her to take her with them home. But the shaky voice told her something different. She knew this voice. There had been a time when she listened to it for hours. She liked it to listen to it. Slightly she remembered someone smiling down at her. Suddenly she felt wind playing with her sea green hairs and she heard the rushes of the wide ocean. She had been there with that person. And she loved it. She remembered the sun shinning on her skin and the soft violin music she loved so much. "Please come back to me! I need you so much! Please, Michi-chan!" she had never heard this voice so desperate. Normally it was full of fun and joy. But only in my presence. Michiru took a last long look at her parents and waved her trembling hand. Her parents waved back with a smile on their faces. Then they turned around and vanished together with the bright light. It took all her powers to open her eyes. It was dark in the room and she almost fainted as the pain flashed through her body. Her legs hurt so much she wanted to scream. But she had no powers to. She heard the steady noises of machines and she saw the hoses connected to her body. Fresh air was pushed in her mouth and blood was pushed in her veins. Her body seemed to burn and she wished herself a great aspirin. The sobbing was louder than the machines. Michiru wanted to scream as she slowly turned her head but she couldn't. The hoses in her neck and her mouth suffocated every try. She saw the girl sitting next to her bed, holding her hand against her cheek. Michiru could feel the hot tears on her cold skin and it prickled. Sunglasses laid on the white blanket and the strands of the blonde hairs that weren't hidden by the dark cap covered her eyes with shadows. "..." Michiru rolled her eyes as her voice didn't obey her. She took all her powers and managed to speak a single word: "Ruka?" The girl raised her head and Michiru would have gasped if she had been able to. The face was covered with bruises and the eyes were blue and swollen. Tears were running down the cheeks. Meeting no resistance. He's still beating her. With the rest of her powers Michiru managed to stroke over the bruises that were normally hidden by sunglasses and the shadows of the cape. "Michi-chan?" Hope returned into deep green eyes that had stared so desperate some seconds ago. So empty. So all alone. The pale girl smiled a small smile but it was the most beautiful smile Haruka had ever seen. "You're driving me crazy, Michi-chan. I've almost thought..." her voice broke again and a sob escaped her throat. The still cool hand squeezed her own one lightly as if she wanted to show her that she was alright. That she wouldn't die. That she would never go in her own world leaving her behind. Tears were burning in Michiru's eyes as well and she didn't know how she should handle the pain that filled her body, her whole life. "Better I'll call the doctor." Said Haruka and wiped away the tears from her cheeks as if she was suddenly ashamed of it. Then she took her sunglasses again. Michiru's hand tried desperately to hold her back and panic grew in her pale face. "Don't worry, Michi-chan. I'll never leave you. I promise." Dark green eyes looked for some moments deep into tired blue ones. Haruka made hardly any promise. Because she hold it with all consequences. Michiru knew that. She let her go and smiled a painful smile towards the now opened door. She heard how the girl ran along the corridors screaming for a doctor not caring about the other patients she would wake up. Maybe there's still hope. Michiru closed her eyes and prepared herself for the words of the doctor. Definite words.
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