Past is Past
He leaned up against the balcony railing and sighed. It was barely dark
but the moon was shining brighter than anything else around him. It was
not a sight he wanted to see. He looked sadly at the sky and kept his
gaze even when the sliding glass door bustled open. He heard her quite
clearly step towards him, but she hesitated. He couldn't turn around.
He knew she would be looking on, a worried expression on her face,
heart breaking for fear she did something wrong. And maybe it was all
her fault, but the heart...He could not deny what knew in his heart.
She inched closer, delicate steps that could become clumsy, but never
to him. It was going to be hard, but roads like destiny were never
easy.
"Mamo", she barely whispered.
The concern in her tone immediately made him need to shut his eyes. He
still faced away from her, looking at the moon, praying for strength.
He could hear her ragged breath. It was the sound of someone lost and
confused. And not being able to keep up the silence, he gave away the
ghost and spoke.
"Moon's bright tonight." His voice was a husky breath.
"Mamo-"
"It looks as though you could reach out and touch it. Embrace the light
it gives off and hold it forever, but...” He paused focusing
desperately on the sky. "You can't of course. It's too far away. Even
with all the light it gives and the distracting twinkle of lights from
down here on earth..." He quickly glanced over his shoulder, she looked
so lonely. "Still the morning star...Venus...shines just as brightly
and it is always by the Moon's side...nearly close enough to touch
it." He turned and faced her.
"Mamoru why..." She trailed off when his eyes met her, so distant and
dark.
He turned away again, bracing himself against the railing. It was too
hard to look at her. She was still everything he loved, light and
caring, innocence and strength. He swallowed his pride and spoke, "You
love her."
"No." It was desperate.
"You always have."
"No." Again more forceful, brimming with unwept tears. "No, I love
you."
A ghost of a chuckle left him and his shoulders dropped a bit. "But you
love her more Usa." There was a confirming silence that hit the air
around him. He tried not to smile thinking on how useless the dialogue
was. "We've had this conversation before Usagi...Do you remember? Long
ago...on that distant kingdom... A prince and a princess met and talked
and there were so many tears...but the princess finally chose-"
"Yes", she nearly shouted, tears now streaming down her perfect face.
"Yes she chose her prince. I chose you. I always chose you. You are my
love my only-"
"Not your only", he broke in softly, trying to control his anger at the
lie. "Never your only. We have a connection...deep and lasting, greater
than the whole of the ocean...but she..." He looked up at the morning
star. "She is there too. And the connection between you two...I feel
it. And it's greater than the span of the universe."
She rushed over to him, pleading for him to look at her. Pounding her
petite fists into his back. Crying that it wasn't true, and never was,
and he turned around to watch the desperate fibs fall to the ground.
"You know I'll always choose you", she finally sobbed, her arms
clinging to him.
He placed his hands on her small shoulders and pushed away just a
bit,ever so gently. "You choose me for the wrong reasons. You choose me
out of care for the future, out of safety and pride. You choose me
because it is unselfish, but I will not let you deny your true
feelings. I will not watch you whither away under a heart that you
broke yourself. Usa?"
She looked up at him. Her bright blue eyes awash in tears.
"I will not be selfish and let you cast your love away."
"But I love you...I do...I swear it I...I can be happy with just you."
She sniffed back tears, and buried her head in his chest.
He began to stroke her silky blonde hair and sighed. "Usagi? Love...I
can not bare another night of you fighting yourself. You whisper her
name in your sleep. Cry out her name when..." He didn't want to say it.
That would just be cruel, and he didn't want that.
"I can choose...I can make up my mind and just-"
"You can not choose Usagi." His tone was firm. "I will not let you
choose. I..." It was all so wrong. It all sounded so bitter and he
wasn't. He understood. He knew what it was to be torn between
lovers...and he...He wanted to save her from the heartache. He wished
he could be less aggressive about everything, but he could not. No, he
would not let her be lonely anymore. He would not watch her fade under
a shadow of want and guilt. "I'm leaving...I plan to stay on in America
after graduation." He felt her shrink away. "I'm not coming back."
Don't run away
Don't go
I still need you close
I still need your touch please
Don't run away
Don't go
My heart still beats in tune with yours
My dreams still breathe you in
Please...
Don't go
It was her last resort. The last place on the earth she wanted to run
to for comfort, but no one else was around. Everyone was out enjoying
the evening and she wanted to think it was fate being cruel. But she
couldn’t be alone any longer. She could not wallow in her tears at
home. She needed someone to cry to because he would not listen
properly. He kept being gentle and reminding, forcing her to accept the
truth. Making her see that her heart did not truly belong to his. It
was terrifying how calm he was. Frightening the way he could speak
without anger or resentment. So she ran away in search of ears that
would hear and understand her cries, but they were all gone. And this
was her last hope. She rapped on the door softly. Surprised it made
enough noise to even garner a response. A light a cheer filled voice
called out and she replied but she wasn’t sure her voice made any
intelligible sound. The door swung open and a perky goddess stood
before her, full of welcome, not knowing…not guessing and certainly not
seeing.
“So it’s cool to see you. I was just about to win the racing
championships. One more lap and I will be the Nascar…” She trailed off
taking in her friend’s all too quiet and still manner. “Usagi? Usagi is
everything all right.”
The girl did not move. She merely stood feet firmly planted as if
motion would kill her, and speaking cause the world to spin off its
axis.
“Usagi? Did…Is...” She couldn’t find an appropriate question. She
stepped closer to her friend, chiding herself for being such a dumb
blonde. “What happened Usa?” A comforting arm lightly fell upon her
friend’s shoulder and it was enough to make the distraught princess
give way and fall into the goddess’s arms. A light embrace trying to
understand what was going on. “Usagi…Did you and Mamoru have a fight or
something?”
The sound of his name only induced a flood of incoherent sobs and tears
the likes of which Minako Aino had never seen in all her years as a
senshi. She pulled her princess closer, trying to make out the nonsense
that was spilling from her friend’s lips. It was obviously some kind of
fight, but it felt like something more. Pieces of thoughts slowly
coming together to bring the picture in clear. Mamoru was a
constant...as was love and leaving and something about breaking her own
heart. It was still so confused. She bit at her bottom lip and then
glancing down the hallway and caught sight of her cat. He had a worried
expression on his face and looked as though he was going to say
something. She waved him off.
“Not now Artemis”, Minako stated firmly as she vainly tried to usher
her broken friend up the stairs.
She wasn’t sure how she managed it. Walking up the stairs, getting
Usagi onto her bed, watching all those tears, hearing that sad
desperate voice pleading for forgiveness, and still she managed to keep
her own tears at bay. She had to be strong. Strong for her princess and
future queen, because she was chosen…yes she was chosen a million
lifetimes ago to protect this girl. She sat on the bed, gently stroking
the girl’s soft blonde hair (It was nearly the same color as her own,
maybe a little lighter.) She glanced over at the clock. It was getting
late.
“Hey”, she nudged the girl who was clinging to her. “Usa? Why don’t you
try and get some sleep? I’ll just go down-“
Her grip tightened as she managed her first coherent sentence in hours.
“No…Stay with me.” her voice was a strained echo.
“Alright…I’ll stay.”
The girl’s settled under the covers. The princess holding the goddess
as if her life, her soul depended on it.
“What did he do to you”, she whispered not needing an answer just yet.
Not even expecting one.
Usagi pulled closer. Her aching voice barely able to reply, “He’s
leaving…He…he isn’t coming back.”
All the night through
I’ll hold onto you
I need you
I need you
Won’t you take the dark away?
Won’t you banish the shame?
I need you
I need you
All the night through
Take the dark away
Take it away
Please
I need you
I need you
Sleep was near impossible. Her azure eyes kept popping open as the girl
in her arms muttered in her sleep, disturbed by restless dreams. She
tried to keep her focus. The past was barely a secret any longer.
Still, deeper memories intruded upon her as she lay so close to the
princess, breaking her down. The pounding in her heart was a call to a
love that she had never recovered from, a want that was wrong because
it spoke against the future. And the future it was set, it had to be.
As hard as it was to remain supportive and neutral she couldn’t help
but feel something was about to change. It was insanity though. No,
Mamoru was just being difficult again. He was just breaking Usagi’s
heart so that he could feel in control of his destiny. He had done it
before and now he was using the same excuse. That had to be it. She
tried her best to comfort the lonely princess, as another dream seemed
to take hold.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…forgive me…please”, the heartbroken girl was
getting more restless.
Minako tried not to listen but she heard.
“I’m sorry” It was a whisper. “I love you…always…forgive me.”
It was torture trying to endure, but she couldn’t seem to find the will
to wake her princess up and save her from the vision
“Forgive me…Mina.”
Mina? No she couldn’t have heard that right. It couldn’t be so. It just
couldn’t.
“I love you…I love you”, the princess pleaded. “I’m so…sorry.”
Why was she apologizing? Why was she so sorry? It didn’t make any
sense. It had to have been just her imagination. She shifted a bit,
trying to see if the girl was awake. But no, she was sound asleep.
“I love you…my Mina. Please…please.”
Her eyes shut tightly. She couldn’t stand it. And even though she knew
she couldn’t be heard she whispered back, holding her friend tightly.
“S’okay Usa…S’okay…I…I love you too. Don’t be sorry.”
And where are we fading to
Are we but softness and light
Are we but flashes in the air
Where are we going to
Will you remember this
Will you forget
If I lose you tomorrow
Will you beg for today
And are we
Images and nothing
Shadows and dust
Tell me
Where are we fading to
Where are we going
He was sure the neighbors below and above him could hear the pounding
as he sprang to the door. And he was prepared for anything upon opening
it. An army of senshi ready to beat him to a pulp, a still lost and
pleading princess, but somehow he hadn’t factored in the vengeful
goddess that was waiting for him. Her azure eyes were nearly gray with
anger, and he had never seen Venus in such a state. Rei yes, even
Makoto he could envision bursting with anger but it looked strange on
this girl’s face.
“What do you think you’re doing to her Mamoru Chiba”, she asked pushing
him aside to enter the apartment. Formalities were not something she
was going to worry about. Not now, not while her princess was still in
such pain.
He accepted her harshness, closing the door behind him softly. He
watched her expression shift from enraged to shocked as her eyes moved
over the mass of boxes scattered in the living room. He moved closer to
her offered her a place to sit. Apologized for the mess. It was eerie
the way he was handling things. It was so mature, so easy…too easy.
“You…What are you doing”, she asked again confusion solid in her still
angry tone.
“I’m leaving.”
She looked at him harshly. “Why?”
“Because she loves you.”
She nearly fainted dead away. How could he speak so calmly about it?
How could he not be furious? She sat in the only chair that was not
covered in boxes and packing material.
“And you love her”, he moved across from her. “Don’t you?”
It wasn’t right. This felt so wrong. She knew; they all knew how the
future was to be. Usagi and Mamoru would marry. They would be the king
and queen of Crystal Tokyo, and she and the rest of the senshi…They
would be the royal guard. Bringing peace to the earth for all time. No,
he couldn’t leave. He couldn’t destroy what was to be. It was set. The
future was stone.
“No”, she whispered. “This can’t be so.”
He sighed, and the goddess never recalled him to look so sad and tired.
It was obvious he still loved her. Criminal was the only thought that
sprang to mind as she watched him fight his heart. The tall young man
leaned against the wall and let a slight grin, accompanied by a soft
laugh escape him.
“You all amaze me”, he breezed. “You all fight so hard to ensure peace
and love remain in this world. Battle to keep it sacred and important.
Love and justice? Isn’t that what she always says?”
“What-“
“And yet…even with your past lives clear in your minds. Even with all
that echoing and guiding your souls…you still ignore it.” He shrugged.
“Or maybe I’m the only one who really remembers anything about that
time save Setsuna…and Luna.” He watched her, all that want pressing
into her...so like his princess. He was amazed he had never seen it
before. “What is it in you girls…You’re all so caring and perfect for
the duties you perform. You make such pains to ensure the future…but
you deny yourselves the very thing that is to make the future bright.”
“But…” She knew he was right, still there was that lost look in his
eyes. “But what about you?”
“I don’t know.”
He walked into his kitchenette. He offered the young woman a drink and
she shook her head but he brought her a cold soda any way. She took it
with a sigh.
“And what of Chibiusa? And everything we know of the future? How do you
explain it?”
“I don’t.” His sudden answer cut deep. “Pluto pulled me aside once and
told me that in Time and life…nothing was certain. Things changed and
shifted always. Moved like an ocean. The only thing that is set in
stone is change. I do not need to know what my exact future will be.
Obviously everything still works out.”
“But how can you know that?”
“I don’t. Not for sure, but I know Chibiusa is still around…so there is
still a happy ending somewhere… for all of us.” He took a sip from the
soda can he was holding. “You do love her don’t you?”
Her gaze was set on the ground. “Always.” It was barely audible. “And
she…Why is she so sorry?”
He was finally caught off guard and then it hit him. “She talks in her
sleep”, he stated. “Has for years. It used to be nightmares from the
past. Demons she watched her mother slay, all of the moon kingdom
falling to rubble.” He considered where he was taking things. “I
guess…you could call her recent dreams nightmares.”
“Oh gods... that’s how you found out?”
He looked at her sadly. “That’s how I was certain. Her heart Minako…her
heart is so heavy with guilt. She loves you…but she’s refused it for so
long. Probably longer than any of us will ever know.” He looked deeply
at the girl. “I love her Mina…I really do. But it’s wrong to fight to
keep her if I know…as I’ve always known…You come first.”
“You know this would be easier on me if you weren’t such a nice guy.”
He smiled; a bit embarrassed by the remark. “I can’t help it. It’s been
burned into my soul. But don’t you have somewhere you need to be Mina?”
I’m gonna run
Run and not look back
Go to the world I know is right
Go to the love I believe in
And damn the past
For holding back my heart
Damn fortune for making me a fool
I’m gonna run
And I won’t hide
I won’t be denied
The princess was still were she had left her. She wondered if the girl
had managed to do anything but cry and sleep. She assumed the future
ruler of the world had not. Minako padded over to the blinds and opened
them slightly, letting the tiniest of light shrink into the room. She
sat gently on the bed and shook her friend gently.
“Hey”, she whispered. “Hey sleepy head…you have to get up sometime.”
The weary princess opened her eyes slowly and then turned her head back
into the pillow.
The goddess huffed in irritation. “Usagi you have to wake up. C’mon
talk to me…I know he said something to you…tell me…Y’know in words I
can comprehend. You’ll feel better if you tell me…and I’ll feel better
‘cos I’ll know what you’re talking about. Kill two birds with one pie.”
The blonde on the bed looked up and in a groggy voice said, “It’s two
birds with one stone. You never get those right.”
The girl was trying to be her perky self. She had to let her friend
tell her everything on her own terms. “Well no…I guess I never do.
So…you awake?”
Usagi rolled over clutching the blankets to her. “I’m sorry to be such
an inconvenience to you Mina. It was…it...You were right it was just a
little tiff.”
“You said he was leaving”, she sighed.
“He is”, she tried to keep from crying again. “But you all knew
that…he…he wants to study abroad some more and-“
“Usa?” She couldn’t take it. Couldn’t stand to see her princess this
way…trying so hard to hide the truth. “Usa you need to stop this and
tell me what’s really bothering you. I’ve never seen you so…so
miserable.”
The tears were inevitable. Her head immediately buried in the comfort
of the pillows. And the goddess knew she blew it. She rolled her eyes,
placing a caring hand on her friend’s shoulder.
“Did you…Did you know that you talk in your sleep”, she began softly.
“It’s rather annoying.” She felt her friend tense at the comment. “But
I guess it’s ok…in dreams we say the things we always meant to but,
Usa?”
The princess shifted just a bit, shaking, perhaps from fear.
“Why are you so sorry?”
“What”, her voiced cracked a bit.
“You were pretty restless last night. You kept apologizing.” She
admired her ability to play dumb in such a serious moment. Admired her
strength at not shouting to the sky that everything was going to be
fine. Everything was how it should be. “I figured…well I figured you
talking to him but then…”
“Mina…”
“Yes?”
“I…” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell her. She could wait. She
could wait; after all she had waited for so many years, lifetimes. And
raising her head she caught sight of the concern in the goddess’s eyes.
Those bright blue eyes that could hold the light of the world nearly
outshine the sun. She just couldn’t hide. “It wasn’t him.”
“What?” Soft and cool as a breeze it graced her ears.
“The dream…I…wasn’t apologizing to him.” She swallowed her fear. “I
was…I was apol-“
“To me?”
Her face washed whiter than a ghost. “I-“
“Why are you so sorry Usa? What did you do to me?”
“The past…I…so long ago…I-“
“Past is past…And we all made mistakes”, Minako interrupted with a
sigh. She wanted to cry. “You know I talked to him today.”
She still looked pale.
“He’s an idiot y’know…letting you go when he still loves you so much.
“She paused, that last statement didn’t come out right. “But…he’s…He’s
very understanding…and cares and…He wants you to be happy. I don’t
think he could live with himself if you weren’t totally happy. “ She
glanced away a breath from shedding a tear. “Of course if you were
happy he’s a blind fool and I’ll beat him to a pulp for making you-“
She hadn’t realized the girl had moved, but a finger pressed against
her lips keeping her from speaking. Eyes the color of sapphires looking
deep into her.
“You need to stop talking you silly blonde.” She smiled through her
newly forming tears. “You need to be quiet and listen to me…because I’m
not sure how much longer I can keep up this emotional roller coaster
I’ve set myself on.” She settled back against the headboard, drawing
her knees towards her chest, hugging them tightly. “I don’t understand
any of this. Everything seemed so set, so sure. There is no safety in
any of this. And guess…I guess that’s why I always kept it secret. I
wanted to be safe…but…nothing is. I’m sorry Mina.”
“Why…why do you keep doing that…I told you-“
“Past is past…I know. I'm sorry for right now.” She rocked forward onto
her knees, sitting up, a hand on Minako’s shoulder. She looked deep,
deeper than even a few seconds ago. “I…I love you Mina.”
It was a simple kiss at best, but one worth holding onto, one worth
treasuring and deepening. And the goddess and the princess couldn’t
find the will to move from it, not for the longest time.
Past is past all right
What was it I wanted to fight
What memories held to this place
Taking my soul
Making me chase
Past is past all right
Why put up such a glorious fight
Fight your heart
Fight your soul
Fight the things that keep you whole
My apologies fall to the ground
They shatter and don’t make a sound
And I never should have surrendered before
I should have told you settled the score
Past is past all right
And now there is no need to fight
No need wonder
No need to worry
No need fear
Because I promise from this day
It’s you I’ll keep near
“Usa?” She nudged the girl lying next to her softly.
“Hmm.” She was still trying to sleep.
“Do you think things went well today?”
The princess rolled over and whispered, “Go to sleep. Things went
fine.” She settled in closer to her love.
“But no one really seemed surprised and everyone seemed ok with it
and…well…I mean…I don’t know what I mean.”
“Mina?”
“Hmm?”
She kissed a small spot on the goddess’s neck. “Go to sleep. Everything
will be fine…as long as the morning star stays close to the moon.”
Minako shut her eyes as the girl in her arms kissed her neck again,
holding her tight. And just before she fell into the waves of sleep she
heard faintly.
“My love…My Mina…Always my love.”
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