Chapter 8: Healing
(Usagi)
"Oh, it is so pretty, Mina-chan, arigato gozaimasu!" I flung myself
at my friend before she could even prepare for the impact and gave
her a bear huge and at an afterthought a quick kiss... on the cheek
of course. Girlfriend present after all. Wouldn't be good otherwise.
Even then I have the impression that Hotaru-chan wouldn't mind.
Especially seeing as said woman was giggling insanely at Minako's
stupefied expression.
I had gotten used to it by now. Ever since we arrived here
late afternoon, she had been like that. Minako had warned me of this
but I hadn't quite believed her. She was so... carefree. It was
scary. But a pleasant kind of scary and it became refreshing after
awhile. This new mood was so much like the Hotaru of the old days and
strangely that made me feel more at ease instead of nostalgic.
I sat the little statue on the table and stared at it for
awhile. I was getting a little bit nostalgic now but that was okay.
Mako-chan would have loved it. The features were really detailed and
you could see that the artist worked on it with a passion. Completely
made of ice with a thin layer of... something - to prevent it from
melting I suppose - the figures of Miisha and Janerin, the former
gold medal winners at ice skating were beautifully carved and
sparkled in the candlelight of the room.
"I really don't know what to say. That must have been
expensive." And we had agreed not to go to great lengths for gifts.
Heh, as if that ever works. Granted, we were not rich but money
wasn't really an issue at the moment. Hotaru might be the only one
who could be described as the former. Not that she was bragging with
it of course.
I hadn't been very reserved with my gifts either. Hotaru's
delight had warmed my heart. After our encounter a few days ago, I
had gotten that picture copied in pocket format and put into a pink
heart locket with a silver chain. It was now hanging around the raven-
haired girl's neck. Minako's gift was a little harder to obtain.
First I did not quite know what to get her but Hotaru had helped
there and provided me with the necessary idea. The next problem was
that the price even for our financial situation hadn't been easy.
Hotaru had lent me a little bit since she didn't have anything
commercial for Minako. They had obviously agreed that the best
present for them this year was their love. How sweet.
Anyway, we had finally obtained the item in question and now
Minako was the proud owner of a very rare and unique panpipe. Hotaru
had mentioned that before the incident, when the other blonde still
had her career plans set on being a teenie star, she had taken some
instrumental courses and sometimes practiced on a similar flute when
she had been over at the Outers' estate...s. None of us ever heard
her play except Hotaru and I could tell it must have been lovely. She
hadn't touched it until now though. Treated it with almost royal
respect.
"Well, let's hope it doesn't turn into a Youma or is a part
of a million years old comet," Hotaru commented which brought a laugh
from all of us at the memory. Hotaru hadn't been present when the
Snow Queen was invading Earth but we had told her everything later
on. She stood up now and tugged on Minako's hand. "Well, minna. Time
for my gift. It's actually for you, Usagi-chan, but it might as well
count for everyone here."
Minako had stood up by now and had rushed upstairs for a
moment. I admit I was already curious when Hotaru proceeded to lead
me through the hallways. We stopped in front of another door and I
could feel my senses tingling. Something... incredible pure was in
that room. Something old... ancient. A moment later Minako came back
with three traditional one-colored robes in hand. One in orange, one
in purple and one in blue. It didn't take a genius which one was for
whom. After wordlessly donning the clear silk material, Hotaru opened
the door and we entered the room.
I stood in the doorway for some minutes probably taking in
the sight. The pentagram-organized candles were bathing the room in
their light. The smell of the herbs was adding to the mysterious
atmosphere the twilight glow was creating. I could feel the power
from the circle. Still dormant but waiting, pulsing in expectation of
being released soon. And I had the feeling it would really be soon.
"That's... That's beautiful," I breathed. "Demo... what is it
for?" Hotaru smiled gently and took one of my hands in hers, the
other already joined with Minako's. "You'll see." Carefully Hotaru
led us through the room. I was extra cautious not to step on or brush
against any of the candles and herbs. The center of the pentagram was
bare of any herbs and we had just enough room to stand side by side.
Hotaru knelt down and we followed her lead. Minako obviously
knew what was going on but I knew none of them would tell me. It was
supposed to be a surprise after all and I trusted my friends.
Unconditionally.
"Touch this and transfer a portion of your power on it.
Everyone a third." Hotaru had produced a gold coin that looked
extremely old out of nowhere. I was a little confused at the request
but did as I was told. Soon the coin was shimmering in a light layer
of orange-gold, purple and silver. The other girl was folding her
hands, coin between them, as if praying... Correction, scratch
the "as if". She WAS praying.
"Repeat after me.
Departed souls, departed friends,
heroes fallen and sisters lost.
We step before you as one, to see those we seek!"
Again something was tugging on my senses and soon - even
though I still had no idea what was going on - I felt Serenity take
over and after the first few lines we were praying truly as one.
Hotaru held the coin in front of her. She was kneeling right in the
center and the candle before her was probably the closest to it.
Slowly the dark-haired girl let go of the coin and it fell... only to
stop and hover over the flickering flame of the candle.
"Ferryman Charon, thee we ask, grant us passage!
Take this coin as an offer and let us cross the river Styx,
to where the passed shall go and no living ever journey."
The pentagram was flowing with energy now and I could hear
the distant sound of a river. A bell was softly chiming.
"Forgive us the ingression of your realm, oh great Pluto and
Persephone.
Calm the beast known as Cerebus and let us safely past,
our motives only sincere they are, can't you see?"
My vision was beginning to blur as I felt my spirit detaching
from its physical chains. Were the candles actually glowing in a line
of pure white light now?
"We beseech thee, Minos, Aeacus and Rhadamanthus,
hear our honest plea!
They have been wronged and so have we,
our souls bleed from the greatness of the crime.
Bring them forth so that we may find peace!"
My vision was beginning to overflow with a blinding white
light and I began to feel incredible light-weighted. However, there
still was some resistance. Something holding me... us back from...
whatever we were doing.
"By the five elements of life we solicit!
Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, Spirit!
By the five elements of death we demand!
Hate, Oblivion, Misery, Sorrow, Fires of Punishment!
Bring forth the ones being wronged! Bring forth our sisters!"
The energy level sprang up again and through my near-blinded
vision I could see the flames of the candles shooting up a few inches.
"Oh Lady of All and Lord of Nothing,
glowing softly in silver, shining brightly in gold;
by this cycle we beseech thy fragments!
Part the veils and open the gate to Elysium Fields,
to the place where heroes go!"
Almost there. I could almost touch the spiritual plane. I
doubt I was still connected to my physical body, yet not quite there,
where I... we wanted to go. The words should give me some ideas but I
didn't really hear them. They were spoken instinctual and I was
wrapped up in the incredible experience. I suppose I was in a trance
or something. The volume of our chant had increased and was now a
near crescendo as we neared the final verse.
"That is all we ask, that is all we wish,
one last time let our hearts be as one!"
On instinct I reached out with both hands they touched with
Hotaru and Minako's. The energy was flaring. "NOW!" Hotaru shouted
and with another flash of blinding white we were yanked away tumbling
into... darkness. A thickly deep void of absolutely... nothing. The
best I could come up with was a large sea that stretched out into
infinity. The experience was only for a brief moment and still seemed
to last for all eternity.
Finally I could feel and see again. The first thing I felt
were the supporting hands of my friends and then there was a light in
the far distance, approaching quickly. A dull crimson light that was
pulsating brightly once in a while. I actually felt a slippery
substance around my body. Water? Yes, a stream of some sort. It felt
familiar.
*We are on Lethe, the Waters of Forgetting,* I heard Hotaru's
voice in my head. Lethe? But then why...? *I suppose it's her way to
make amends. Hotaru had some doubts we wouldn't lose something on the
way.* That was Minako. The explanation made senses somewhat. Our last
encounter had not been pleasant and it was only due to her sister
that we survived the encounter with our memories still intact. I
still didn't understand what we were doing here. Although I had a
pretty good idea now where exactly we were.
"WHO DARES PASS THE REALMS OF THE DEAD AND ENTER THE ISLE OF
HEROES!" Ack, that was loud. I could... feel... Hotaru about to
answer the booming voice of the unseen speaker but that became
unnecessary a second later. "Let them pass." There was something
about that voice that I could pick up out of a crowd EVERYWHERE. To
often she had used it to surprise us from out of nowhere. My heart
was pounding. That couldn't be but yet the voice was unmistakable.
"BUT MILADY, WHAT ABOUT...?" The booming voice interrupted my
thoughts. Then she spoke again and that time I could SWEAR that it
was her. "Please, lower your voice level. What should our guests
think? Let them pass." The tone was still quiet but had the distinct
sharpness of an order. The next thing I knew I was somewhere else.
The sudden appearance of colors, shapes and well...
everything was too much for my senses to comprehend. I pressed my
eyes tightly shut at the sensation. "Gomen about this. Better that
way?" My eyes snapped open again against all warnings. The colors
were much darker now, shady. The shapes of hills and long fields of
grass and flowers looked as if overshadowed by a layer of black and
gray and they were not quite... tangible. Altering size and even
shape in a matter of seconds.
But before I could get dizzy by it, my focus had already
shifted at the figure in front of me. The long, dark hair, the deep
violet eyes, with a sparkle of mischief still there, everything was
as I remembered. Even the long red robe suited her just fine. The red
sigil of Mars was shining like a ruby on her forehead. "Rei," I
croaked out, my voice hoarse and the ability to speak suppressed by
the emotions smashing down on my heart.
"Who did you expect, Odango Atama? Santa Claus?" That impish
smile, that tiny, almost aristocratic huff, the sparkle of mischief
in her eyes at our usual banter... I wanted to lurch forward, wrap
her in my arms, I in her arms... That wasn't important. I wanted to
hug her and never let go, never EVER again. I wanted to, do you hear
me? I WANTED TO! Didn't work though. Pah, movies and novels are still
fiction after all.
"Gomen. Still bound to the rules here even though we... err,
Pluto let you trespass." I could still move, had my hand
outstretched, mere inches from touching her. Yet I could not. "You
are..." I shook with a sudden fit of giggles but managed to tone it
down to somehow sound seriously hurt. "You are... SO MEAN!" And then
I let go and exploded in laughter. We both were actually. It was
extraordinarily relieving, the laughter was washing away all that
pain and the... the... tight, tight ball of dark emotions sitting
just underneath the surface. I felt light and happy and... good. Just
good. Just so... good.
"Kami, Usagi-chan..." Rei managed after a while of intriguing
laughter. Another chuckle followed unbidden. "That was the best laugh
I had in... what was it for you? Six years, I think. Time is rather
irrelevant here, you know?" I felt my mood dimming again at the
reminder of where we were. Where SHE... THEY were. "Rei-chan..." I
felt my tongue tightening again and that dark feelings... Control,
Usagi! That was hard though. Just being a spirit... soul?... and
everything. Rei bend forward a little and held up her finger, almost
touching my nose. A little smile was on her face. It was neither
strained nor sad. Just a smile. "Don't," she said.
Of course I didn't listen. "Demo... I failed you..." Rei
shook her head and I could actually feel a tingly feeling as
Rei "poked" me on the nose with her finger. Of course she didn't
really touch me but she would have if she could. "Iie, Usagi-chan. WE
failed YOU. WE should have protected YOU. And we did but yet we
failed. Because we couldn't protect the most important thing. Your
happiness and your innocence. Do you blame us for that?" I shook my
head vehemently at the ridiculousness of the question. "Of course you
don't and we don't blame you... Of course we wouldn't have a reason
to do so." I opened my mouth to protest again, I really wanted to.
But then, the only thing that came out was said in a very small
voice, reluctantly excepting her reasoning. "Okay..."
And I felt good again. Even more now. I felt... FORGIVEN! It
did not matter if I felt like I failed them or not. They did not
care. They still loved me. And without really saying so had forgiven
me. "Arigato," I whispered unable to say more. Rei stepped back and
relaxed her posture. "Well then, I'm going to join the others and see
how they are doing. Time to leave you two alone after all.
I looked at her confused, a part of me crying out for her
that she couldn't go, not so soon. But another, bigger part just felt
content that everything had been said and done already. "What do
you...?" Rei smiled serenely... Hey, that's my line! "You see.
Sayonara... Odango Atama." And with that she was gone. I stared at
the place where the miko had been standing for a few more seconds
before finally whispering my own goodbye. "Until we meet again."
The... place was silent for a long time. I could hear
whispered sounds all around me and all of them felt good. Strong and
good. Then another familiar voice. First only a feeling, a sensation
I hadn't felt for years, seemed more like a lifetime. Then that
strong, masculine voice that always provided me with new hope and
strength. "Usako."
I felt tears welling up once again as I turned slowly towards
the voice. There! THERE! Wrapped into a glistering aura of gold, clad
in full armor, sword fastened on the belt. There HE was! My world. My
center. My confidence. My strength. My love. My... "Mamo-chan..."
(Minako)
The real word came rushing back a bit too quickly as I realized to my
dismay. My body shook with spasms for a moment when my spirit was
yanked back to the mortal realm. A low groan was not to be prevented
and I could hear Hotaru besides me suppress a slight gasp. The
surroundings were only slowly coming back into focus and I felt more
drained than after a good, long fight with several Youma. I didn't
count but I guess I needed several minutes to adjust to the real
world again.
Finally managing to do more than blinking and trying to clear
the cobwebs in my awareness, I was about to stretch. I turned around
slowly and froze for a short moment. Usagi was only a blur as she
suddenly moved from her position on the other side of my girlfriend
to gather her in a fierce huge, head rested on one shoulder and
silently weeping. Not tears of pain or grief, I could tell. But tears
of joy... relief might be the best word to use here. I could
literally feel that the tension dominating our lives for so long in
so many ways evaporate. My heart surely felt a few pounds lighter
than before.
"Arigato, Hotaru-chan. I cannot say how much that means to
me..." Usagi had lifted her head slightly and was now staring in
Hotaru's eyes. The raven-haired girl was just sitting there, somewhat
perplexed by the intensity of the other blonde. I could have told her
to expect this. The movements, the body language everything was much
more relaxed now. Gone was the tension and the heart-wrenching guilt
written all over her face.
"Arigato gozaimasu," I heard Usagi's whisper again, just a
moment before she slightly leaned forward and gave Hotaru a peck on
the lips. I mean it was nothing to worry about actually. In any other
situation you would have dismissed it as just a friendly kiss, an
expression of genuine gratitude and liking. Yet by any means I should
feel jealous. All three of us knew that there was something going on
and our history with each other was a bit more than platonic. I
should feel jealous, just a tiny bit, even if there was actually
nothing to worry about. But I didn't.
Instead I just resumed the task of getting some feelings in
my tired muscles. It was just a second anyway, barely, and I simply
watched with a tiny smile there. It had been Usagi doing it, not one
of us.
Hotaru blushed slightly and Usagi looked over her shoulder at
me with a question in her eyes that didn't take a genius to figure
out. I simply smiled and nodded. The broad smile threatening to split
her face was more than enough of a reward to me. Whatever had been
said to her privately by Rei and Mamoru made her better. Made her
feel much better.
I bent forward, propped up on my knees and gave her a light
kiss on the forehead. "Are you feeling better now?" She nodded
quietly and rested her head on my chest. I caught Hotaru's eyes and
winked at her, mouthing a "good job". My girlfriend just looked
content and wrapped her arms around our Princess and foremost our
friend... sister as the chant had said. Yes, sisters. That we were.
More than that actually.
We sat like this for awhile, wrapped up in each others' arms.
The gentle flickering of the candles sending shadows over our faces.
"That was the best present ever," Usagi finally spoke,
looking up first at me and then at Hotaru. Her eyes held a look of
adoration and gratitude that for some reason made my heart flutter.
We definitely would have to do something about this soon. Hotaru
cupped Usagi's cheek gently. "It was my pleasure, Usagi-chan. And I
think we all needed this." She sought out my eyes
again. "Definitely," I replied, expressing my own gratitude by
leaning over and drawing her in for a short but heated kiss.
When we separated, Usagi had already untangled herself from
in between us and had stood up. Giving us a warm smile, she
declared. "Well, I don't know how you are feeling but this thing made
me hungry." I looked at Hotaru and we both broke out into laughter.
Yep, beyond any doubt. Usagi. A bit more of the Usagi at least that
we had cherished and loved so much before our lives came crashing
down in a downward spiral. Pushing myself up, I helped Hotaru do
likewise. "That," I said, "can be dealt with."
An hour later or so, the sun had long since set, and some
snow was falling outside. After the ceremony, we had quickly gone to
still our hunger. The meal had been nothing special. None of us was
really taking Christmas as it was actually supposed to be. What
counted more for us was the hidden meaning and the get-together of
family. Our family, even if only us three remained...
I expected to feel a slight pang at this, however, now there
was just a tiny bit of nostalgia. Hotaru had been totally right with
her assumption that we all had needed this as had Usagi been at the
mall. I had never allowed myself to feel the loss of my friends and
teammates, had not allowed myself to think about my own failure. They
had been my responsible too and quite frankly it should be me to feel
guilty for their deaths. I had been the leader but had only taken
this mantle again shortly after Galaxia when the Outers had begun to
regularly join us. By then it was much to late and the structure
already established. The Princess should not have all this
responsibility upon her shoulders. The burden was already far too
heavy, leadership could have been something that I SHOULD have taken
from her. If only I had remembered my position earlier.
After that dreadful day I had indulged myself in the task of
keeping us together, redirecting this responsibility and strengthen
it to the point there it became almost painful. I had taken a job
that was more than questionable in order to be there for Usagi and
Hotaru as best as possible. I could have done a lot more. My name was
already on the list of several agents. But... Most of it required
sacrificing a lot of time and most likely moving around. I could not
afford that. Not if I wanted to be there.
Yes, we had all profited from being able to say our goodbye.
I knew now that they were alright. All were happy where they were
now. I could not quite describe what I felt at seeing them again but
if not for that dumb rules it surely would have ended in a sappy
hugging feast. They had all been there, even Rei joined us later and
Setsuna had hung back a little. Ami and Makoto were obviously an item
now. The funny thing was all of them had not lost any of their
memories. And then I say any, I mean ANY. It seemed that our efforts
were not totally in vain after all.
Something that Haruka had said had struck me the most. I
should stop thinking so much like a Senshi and a leader. There were
only three of us left and no real team to lead. Usagi and Hotaru were
my equals. It didn't require me to take all the responsibility. I
should think more about acting like myself, like Aino Minako and not
Sailorvenus. There was not that much use anymore for Venus. And had a
hidden part of us not always wanted to lead a normal life?
Of course the price was much too high for that but what good
would it do mourn about something that couldn't be changed forever?
Nothing at all. It was that typical bluntness that had made Haruka
always so incredible charming but the honesty behind her words were
quite evident. Maybe I really had pushed a little bit too much,
trying to come about as the big sister of mother figure that I simply
could not be instead of being the friend Usagi and especially Hotaru
needed. A friend would have given them more space and not always
tried to tell them what was best. Okay, i had not been that bad but
often I was not very close to the term of supportive as well. And
that lead me into trouble more than once, hence the party a few days
ago.
A very particular meeting was even more present in my mind. I
had taken a brief detour before joining Hotaru and the others. Not
that I had planned on it but he had been the person that was foremost
in my mind the moment Hotaru had told me what she planned to do. I
missed my old friend and partner terribly and hadn't even noticed
it...
After realizing that a few hours before that I had chided
myself for that forgetfulness. That preoccupied with taking up
responsibilities I had totally ignored that short stab of pain every
morning when I woke up alone. Not because I wanted someone there,
that I could have had if I wanted to. No, I simply missed him there,
curled atop of my blanket, snoring slightly...
Artemis had always been there as long as I could remember.
From the first moment of awaking to my destiny and even further
before that. In the Silver Millennium we had been partners too. And I
had just forgotten... No, ignored the pain of his loss. As much as I
valued my "sisters", he was as close to me as a brother as possible.
We had shared so much. Maybe it had been my bit of shutting out what
had happened. I didn't want to accept it.
I still remembered the day though. It had almost cost me my
life when I saw him being ripped apart. My focus had slipped for a
moment and had it not been for Saturn and his piercing stare, that
last intense gaze that reminded me that I still had a duty to perform
and that this duty would come before anything else, that made me go
on. Maybe it had even been this quick exchange that had made me
redouble my efforts after the battle. Subordinating everything to
the "mission". I had lived in an illusion and never really realized
that.
When I mentioned that Artemis had just laughed in his usual
manner, a little arrogant and macho that was more trying to appear
cool than actually being. "You are exaggerating," he had said. I had
done a fine job of holding the rest of us together but maybe it was
now time to start thinking about myself again a little more. I had
protested of course... Funny thing, actually. Usually in the past
this discussion would have gone the other way round. It was only
after Haruka had reinforced his statement later that I began to
believe it. Maybe it was really time to loosen up a little.
I picked up the plate of cookies and smiled to myself. Dinner
had been silent, a peaceful and relishing kind of silence. All of us
had still been thinking about the encounters I think but there was
nothing of the sad mood present that even in the last days was always
present somewhere in the back. Now it was time for some sweats and a
nice evening. We had some movies here - an exquisite and rather up-to-
date collection if I dared say so. And I dared...
Usagi had already expressed her delight about the collection
and as I saw it we would probably be stuck with romantic movies the
whole evening... Not that I minded though. Some of the English stuff
was actually quite good and even Usagi's grasp on the language was
good enough by now that it disposed of any problems there.
Anyway, I was just back on my way to the living room area and
as luck would have had it, that was the moment IT was happening. I
have to say that the luck factor was a lot like describing myself
since I was responsible for initiating a lot of the following
encounter. Still I could safely say that I was not totally
responsible... Not that I would have minded seeing as the outcome was
one that could not be begrudged.
Hotaru had apparently been to the bathroom or something and
Usagi was just coming down the hallway looking for us. She had been
becoming hungry again, the other blonde had later explained with a
smile, and wanted to look what was taking me so long with the
cookies. Be it as it was, the two met in the foyer at the front door,
more by accident than anything of course. Or as I mentioned earlier,
as luck would have it.
Usagi wasn't really looking when she rounded the corner and
had nearly run Hotaru over had my girlfriend not quickly caught and
steadied her. They almost fell over but managed to stay upright
which - apparently - brought them rather close together. I was coming
from another hallway - after all this mansion was HUGE - and stopped
at seeing their faces inches apart, both unmoving and not showing any
intention of moving anytime soon. I sat down the tray and quietly
leaned against the wall of the entrance to the foyer, watching.
You can deny the existence of "magical moments" all you want
but I already had my fair share of those lately and this was
definitely one of them. Once again I asked myself why I didn't feel
jealous, why I wasn't interrupting this moment that could be
dangerous to my relationship with Hotaru. The answer I came up with
was simple, so surprisingly simple I would have gasped if I wasn't
refraining from making any kind of sound. It was not endangering my
relationship.
For whatever reason ever, Usagi had become more to me than a
best friend, a princess and so many more things I cherished her for.
Those nightly encounters were labeled "favors" but as much as this
was true, hadn't there been some kind of illusion in this term as
well?
Yes, I had loved Hotaru then - still did and ever would - but
Usagi hadn't been a replacement and for some reason I was sure I
wasn't just a replacement for Mamoru either. There was a genuine
affection between all of us Senshi and especially us Senshi towards
our Princess and friend. An affection that easily could turn into
love. Maybe I just had not let myself realize that. Maybe I was as
much denying myself the pleasure of happiness as Usagi had been. And
Usagi... Her heart was big enough to swallow the whole world if she
wanted to. Surely there was enough space beside Mamoru. And I would
never want to take away that memory anyway. That was why I didn't
feel threatened by this, I... WANTED it to happen. Wow.
It was a love born out of desperation, we all had kind of
latched onto the only thing still present. Our hearts had joined that
moment after watching our friends being slaughtered. It was a dark
kind of joining but a genuine one nevertheless. Something had been
formed between us and had eventually drawn us back together. This,
the scene in front of me, it had to happen. I knew that with an
absolute clarity. This was meant to happen, our new and most likely
last chance at happiness. This way none of us would be left out.
Sadly the other two weren't quite complying. The moment
apparently broken by some comment from Usagi, they were about to pull
away. I reacted on instinct alone. My gaze swept upwards and surely
there it was. The very thing that had become kind of a symbol for
dramatic moments in the last days. I had put it there, right over the
entrance on a whim before setting up the ritual. Until now, I had not
really known why. After the party fiasco I had sworn myself to never
have one of those put up, not if I could help it at least.
Just as the two women were about to let go of each other, I
cleared my throat, making both of them freeze and slowly look around.
At least they didn't jump. I pointed upwards with a mischievous smile
and with a wink called out: "Mistletoe!"
<From the Diaries of Tomoe Hotaru>
Maybe, just maybe it hadn't been so bad after all that I had gone to
THAT party.
Safely I could say that this Christmas was the best of my
life so far. And that from someone who had said that Christmas in
Japan was a hoax that ignored the actual meaning. Okay, I admit, the
example of a party thrown by a bunch of... I will not go there since
my girlfriend was one of them not so long ago and as I said, maybe it
wasn't so bad after all. The outcome I mean, not the party. The party
was bad and... err, am I rambling? Kami, you cannot blame me for
feeling a little lightheaded after the purification ceremony and the
ritual later on. Not to forget THAT moment.
"And there you thought I would have learned by now how to be
not that clumsy." That comment from Usagi had effectually broken the
spell that we had found ourselves in. It was really pure coincidence
that we had met there but the emotions that had suddenly taken
supreme control were as clear as the blue sky. We had this moments
once in awhile but never that intense, not that clear. And for a
brief instant I had actually considered just letting go. I was about
to lean forward and just do what my heart told me to do, not even
wasting a thought about the possible consequences. Minako wouldn't
hold me against it, she understood perfectly well, right?
Perhaps it was better that Usagi spoke up when she did. Or so
I had thought at that moment. Though a part of me was disappointed at
the wasted opportunity I still wasn't too sure about all of this. And
that evening had went so well until then, how could I have
jeopardized that.
So I was about to let go with a chuckle. "Yeah, someone could
think you are fourteen again." Usagi simply smiled, still none of us
had let go. "Chibiusa had almost nine hundred years to grow up." I
would have laughed at that if it hadn't seemed so inappropriate for
the moment, so I settled for a broad smile. The comment did the trick
though and I was about to really pull back... Of course that was when
Minako decided to play Cupid or... whatever.
Déjà vu moments are something rare. I think everyone knows
that. But that one. Phew, understatement much? I had frozen at the
mentioning of what could very well be described as our personal Yin
Yang. Good and bad had come out of this damnable thing and I could
just not make my mind up if I loved or totally despised of it. At
that moment when I slowly looked up in unison with Usagi, I tended
more to the latter. My grip had tightened around the other girl's
waist. Sure enough there was a mistletoe hanging right over our heads
and I had not put it there.
It took a few seconds but our eyes finally met again and my
breath surely must have been caught in my throat. I am not a very
emotional person, not very poetic either. But I think this was when
realization finally hit me. I needed to do this, it was driving me
crazy the more I thought about and avoided it... whatever it was.
Somehow this was meant to happen.
Yet I was still scared, a part of me screamed at me that I
would ultimately shatter everything I had accomplished over the space
of the last days. I would lose Usagi's friendship and the girl would
surely lose even more, trust would be broken. I would lose Minako,
she would never forgive me for this betrayal, right in front of her
eyes. The fact that she just now had initiated this herself didn't
matter at all. And Usagi was scared too, I could read it clearly in
her eyes, the tension had returned unbidden and both of us were torn
between the need to follow our impulses and the fear of the
consequences.
Once again it had been Minako who had moved over to us
without any of us noticing. I was so caught up in the moment that I
nearly shrieked as I felt one arm slip around my shoulders and seeing
another around Usagi's. It was just a gentle nudge but enough for
both us to lean closer a little. Enough for the little distance
remaining to be overcome and our lips caress. Just a caress. For an
endless moment nothing more than that. Then instincts took over and I
pulled my Princess and friend closer. Whatever wall had been
preventing me from following my instincts was torn down by Minako's
open encouragement to go ahead.
Those tiny gestures of trust and immediate understanding what
the other wanted and felt, that is what I cherished the most. I did
not feel any jealousy or such a thing from my girlfriend. Far from
that. Suddenly there was a feeling of peace sinking down like a
gentle blanket. I deepened the kiss and Usagi responded in surrender,
a low moan rising from her throat.
Still, it was not really complete. Something was missing, a
tiny but important bit... We finally parted, air becoming a serious
issue. Recovery was not granted though. I had wanted to say
something, anything but found myself unable to do, as Minako leaned
over and captured a surprised Usagi's lips with her own. The exchange
was a lot briefer but no less genuine and I simply watched.
What was happening here was fleeing repeatedly from my grasp.
This could not be described as anything simply romantic or magical or
whatever you wanted to use. I could feel the missing pieces come
together and instead of jealousy I relished in the sight of the now
open display of love between my... girlfriends. It was so... I don't
know, fulfilling seeing them like this. It made me feel good and that
was the part I couldn't grasp. How could I feel good at my current
girlfriend kissing my one-time and probably once again lover... This
was just too bizarre to figure out and so I simply did not.
Usagi opened her mouth to speak but Minako had put a finger
on her lips, gently teasing. "Shh, don't ruin it." Minako leaned over
to softly kiss me too and this time I did not hesitate to follow the
impulse. Bathing in the reassuring display of love from the blonde I
pulled my other friend in with one arm still around her waist. Usagi
gave a surprise yelp and the following procedure was a little hard to
do. We managed though. Instinctively we knew how to position
ourselves for this somewhat awkward three-way kiss but it worked.
It all fell away.
All the doubt, the fear, the pain, the grief of the last
years fell away, replaced by an incredible feeling of belonging that
I never wanted to let go of again. I swore to myself that moment that
I never wanted to let it go again. This was where I belonged, where I
was meant to be. Maybe once, before all this, it had been different.
Perhaps then it had just been Minako that I needed, wanted. Not
anymore. I needed them both, like fire and water. I could not go on
without either.
The emotions invoked were so strong it would have knocked me
off my feet, all of us actually, if we hadn't been so entangled. Arms
tightly around each other, lips still touching in a funny angle that
I was sure was something to snap a picture of, I allowed myself to
softly sigh into the contact and felt it echoed immediately. I was
sure there was some sort of energy around us from the intensity of it
all and could anyone have seen us... Nobody could see us. And that
was a good thing because that moment was for us and us alone.
As we finally parted I almost whimpered at the loss of
contact, the warmth a little less, a little coldness creeping into my
body again... But the solution was only a few inches away. Just a
short distance and it would be complete again, the warmth would be
there again, enveloping us...
Apparently I hadn't been the only one thinking along such
lines and whatever had taken control of us was responding. This time
the kiss was a lot less awkward, felt just... right. I had closed my
eyes and enjoyed the caress of lips. Carefully I snaked my tongue out
between my teeth and found two others already waiting. The contact
sent an electric shock akin to a few thousand volt through all of us.
The wave sweeping from one end of the triangle connection to another,
only stopping when it became too much and we had to pull away again.
This time I felt a lot more content, just having the other
two women so close. It was enough this time. Our foreheads fell
forward to rest on each others' shoulders. Mine on Minako's, Usagi's
on mine and Minako's on Usagi's. We stood there like that for a long
time, neither noticing nor caring that it was getting kind of cold
out here. We had each other and that was all the warmth we needed.
"Wow," Usagi had finally muttered. I expected some kind of
question, reassuring that it was okay, that none of us regretted
giving in right there. I could not blame her that it didn't come.
Nobody could have doubted the sincerity of our connection after that
intensity. If I concentrated hard enough I could feel the echoes of
Usagi and Minako's thoughts...
"Yeah," I managed to croak out. "Wow." Then I lifted my head
slight from Minako's shoulder and looked at her suspiciously. "That
was your idea, wasn't it? Hanging that thing up there?" The blonde
smiled sweetly. "Whatever do you mean? I have no idea where it came
from." Playfully I poked her in the side and Usagi did the same, the
other blonde - hell, that going to be confusing, those two could pass
as twins at times - giggled. "Maybe we should move someday or we are
stuck here for the whole evening."
"Hm," I purred, briefly looking up at the lone mistletoe
above us. "I don't think I can." Minako nodded. "Me neither." And
with that we leaned in for another exchange of short kisses. I
trailed a finger along Minako's cheek. "You realize that you got us
into this, right? And if we can't move here we can't get to sleep at
all." Usagi looked confused at Minako's yelp of "eep" and the blush
that quickly turned scarlet. "Private joke," I said to her and sent
her an image of Minako's departure a few hours ago.
She broke out into hysterical laughter which finally managed
to break the spell enough for us to move. "You guys are
unbelievable!" she declared but still slipped an arm around both of
us and dragged us back into the living room.
People say that triads as they are often called never work
out in the end. That is pure feeble-minded thinking. The trust and
openness between us is testament enough and even though we are just
standing at the threshold to this new relationship I can already say
that a lack of trust will not become an issue. Oh I can safely agree
that reaching this point is hard work. If you have mastered the
barrier once though, the reward is incredible. Even as I am writing
this down I can still hardly believe that those two incredible women,
a princess and the Senshi's leader no less, want to be with me, share
their love with me. Me of all people. But I will not doubt it any
longer. I am content with where we are right now and that is the only
important thing.
So, sure a triad is a tough thing to accomplish and if you
rush into it I can imagine how quickly it could fall apart because of
missing trust and jealousy. However, we don't have this. Of course,
the next days will show how the mechanics will work, this is new
ground for all of us after all. On the other side I can not think of
a time where I ever have felt that completed and if I feel like this,
I am sure they do as well.
It is nearing midnight... No, wait it is already past that,
ugh... I'm lying here on the big couch, Minako on the other side and
Usagi curled up between us and I think that life is now really
looking up again. The last hours resolved so many things. I am no
fool. I know how much the events of the last days, even the painful
ones contributed to this outcome. Now though, after such a long time
we have finally found our peace again. The memory of our friends
would forever stay with us but we have finally managed to regain
control of our lives again and put the past behind us. Together we
can look forward again without the sorrow always clouding and
determining our actions. Having the two women so close makes me smile
every time I look up and study one or both of them.
And with that I'm better closing this entry. We really should
get to bed. Only sleeping though. We all are feeling rather drained
after the ceremony and the emotional turmoil. I would love to explore
this new possibilities but seeing as the other two are already dozing
peacefully and none of us has paid that much attention to the latest
movie, sleep was probably the best thing now. We had time anyway, the
whole next week if we wanted to. None of us had any better to do.
I am in love now, with two incredible women and I can barely
grasp it. But it's a good thing. The best thing that ever happened to
me. Maybe, maybe the concept isn't so hollow after all and maybe the
world will look a little brighter tomorrow. One thing is for sure,
the three of us would stay together. That is there we belong now.
Every obstacle will be mastered together. Hopefully this time that
happiness will last.
Hotaru
<End Entry>
I put away the diary and untangled myself from the other two
women, but not before placing a soft kiss on both their foreheads.
Usagi mumbled a little in her sleep at the loss of warmth from one
side and snuggled a little closer to Minako. Her new look was still
needing some getting used to. But she looked cute with that braid.
They were sleeping peacefully now. Even Usagi, I could tell.
Perhaps tonight the nightmares would finally not haunt me anymore as
well. I had found my happiness, more than I had ever thought to
receive or deserve. Six years ago I had felt so cheap and violated.
And lonely, I had felt impossible lonely. I think I understood now
why. I had taken the wrong way, choosing to stay away from my friends
than I should have gone to them with my problems and my pain. We all
had in a way. Even though Usagi and Minako had taken comfort in each
other, in a way they had been shied away from each other as well.
There it mattered they had closed off their hearts.
All that did not matter right now, it did not matter
anymore. "You shape your own futures now", Pluto had said to me
during our visit in the Elysium Fields. "The Princess asked me once
if the future was set in stone. It is not. It never has been. There's
nothing right or wrong with this future. It is what you make out of
your lives, your present that has always determined the flow of time
and the future that will come." Perhaps that had been a part of our
problem. We had lived in the past a little too much. Maybe we had
lost sight of the present and that is why the future we had worked so
hard for did not come. Maybe that had been the price.
Whether that was true or not, we - Usagi, Minako and I - had
left our past behind today. It would not be gone from our memories
and the memories would always be treasured, old feelings and hardship
could and would come back to haunt us. As long as we had each other,
however, I was sure that we would make it through anything life
throws at us. After having endured so much, how could we not?
I had watched the snow outside falling while my thoughts
wandered. It hadn't stopped since Minako came back with Usagi and
that was a long time ago. The blanket of white was already thickening
and tomorrow the sight would surely been delightful. Yes, it would be
a great holiday, I decided.
I was about to turn back towards the sleeping women when I
looked down and realized that there was another lone mistletoe lying
on the windowsill. For a moment I stared at the thing, then smiled
and returned to the couch. Next to it stood our little Christmas Tree
that was not oversized, tiny actually compared to the size of the
mansion but lovely nonetheless. Fastening the mistletoe around a
branch that hang over the two blondes, I slipped back next to Usagi
and snuggled up to them. I think I loved them after all, those
mistletoes.
******************************
When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
I can make it through the rain
And I live once again
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain
(Yes you can)
You will make it through the rain
("Through The Rain", Mariah Carey)
******************************
THE END
Started: Tuesday, November 26, 2002 10:51:00
Finished Raw Version: Sunday, December 22, 2002 18:43:42
Finished Alpha Version: Monday, December 23, 2002 14:47:49
(give or take a few seconds/minutes)
Final Notes
Phew, I. Am. Finished. *pant* Wow...
Honestly now, THAT was the quickest "longer" fic I have ever
written, nearly seventy-five pages (Arial, 12 pt) in under a month!
Wow. And now I'm finally finished and it feels good to be so. Really.
I have so many fics I like to have finished but can't because I have
so many... Does that even make sense? Anyway, I finished it and I'm
glad about it.
What started out as my simple, usual Christmas story I had
been doing the last two years now (until now only in my native
language, being German), I became quickly enthralled with the darker
nature because I hadn't done anything quite like that before. Some
came close but never like this. It fascinated me and the plot managed
to somehow evolve on its own, evolve in a monster that I had a hard
time controlling but that Maia seemed to have LOVED for all it was
worth. Maia is my muse by the way...
So I couldn't stop and before I realized it pages after pages
were written and it became longer and longer with the end always
drawn out a little more. Just around the corner but never quite in
reachable distance.
I'm sure you don't even want to hear that.
The general darkness of the fic was intended. However, the
intensity and the sometimes morbid-fascinating way of expressing it
was a sole origin of the swirling set of ideas that Maia popped into
my head. *glares at muse* I did not mean to offend anyone and I think
that I can safely say with the rating and the numerous warnings in
the header, nobody can accuse me of leading you on, giving you the
false pretense that this was only mildly dark. So no flames about
this please, ok? *smiles sweetly*
The ritual is my own creation, based on information about the
Greek Mythology of Hades. That was provided by the Encyplopedia.
(http://www.slider.com/enc/index.htm)
Miisha and Janerin were the ice-skating couple that had shown
in up in Season One of BSSM.
Since I'm sure after such a long read you don't want to
listen to all my insane rambling, I'm trying to cut this as short as
possible and simple give credit. Because like they say: Honor to whom
honor is due. And I realized while writing this story that there were
quite a few authors whose work had a striking influence on this one.
Foremost there is Mad-Hamlet (Buffy/Willow author) and his
magnificent series of Prisms, Forge, Feather Roads and Sundowning.
His POV style is splendid in a way I could only dream of ever
achieving. But his series in which he deals with the delicate topic
of Willow being raped had a tremendous influence on the turn of
events. It was to no small factor that I had reread his work while
writing this, that this fic turned out as it has.
Look up http://nearheralways.com/willow_buffy for his work.
The mechanics of working out a Triad go back on a longer list
of Buffy/Willow/Tara fics. Among those especially the works of Frau
Hunter Ash who did a wonderful job with her Red Moon series. I had
not thought the concept of a three-way relationship could be handled
so seriously and believable before I read her work. My approach might
be vastly different but she still had her influence here and there.
Look up http://www.hunterash.com.
Then I have to give thanks to TheBear (yet another great
author from the list), who kindly let me borrow a really tiny quote
and idea from her work issued in "Triune" (part of a longer
Buffy/Willow/Tara series).
Look up http://www.papa-bear.com.
There might be some subconscious influences from Tim Nolan's
work which I also read while writing this. For it being so old, I can
say that I loved the style how he worked with the SM Universe in his
series "Awakenings", "Obligations" and the "End of the Beginning".
Every true fan should take a look at it.
Look up http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Ginza/7876/.
And last but not least I like to thank the people from my
Minaru-list who have endured chapter postings over the last month.
And foremost of course my current beta Ayrki (though we are both much
too busy to do any serious betaing at the moment). You're kind words
and praise to my work were really helping in getting this finished. I
would have not blamed if you would have "run away screaming" :) but
you endured it all and always gave me helpful feedback. If we ever
manage to do this co-work thing, this surely will get interesting.
You can find her own work on ff.net.
It's over one o'clock in the morning now and even though I
have the entire next week and a half free from work, I try to have at
least a somewhat normal bedtime (other than someone I know). I hope
you all enjoyed this fic despite the harshness of the plot at several
points. If you do, please drop me a line at least (addy is in the
header). We authors depend on feedback after all. You can deny it all
you want but just liking your work and knowing that you did a good
job, doing it for personal joy (which is essential too, don't get me
wrong), is - forgive me the bluntness - utter bullshit. We need
feedback. Be it only a short line that you liked/disliked it or
something more constructive. It only takes a few minutes to do, or a
bit more if you have the time but be assured that your feedback is
appreciated and will in the most cases be answered too as well (and
quickly).
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year out
there. I hope you enjoy the holiday season whether it's freezing cold
and you have to tiptoe on iced streets (like us the last days) or it
is forty degrees hot (like in Australia where Ayrki is dwelling). Or
maybe it's just plain normal weather. My best wishes for you and now
I'm FINALLY putting an end to this or I will still be sitting here in
the morning.
Ja ne, yours
Matthias
Mistletoes(c)2002 by Matthias Engel
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