The Mamoru Must Die Reunion Spectacular
-Prologue-
"Muwah ha, ha, ha!" a sinister voice laughed from deep within the dark
recesses of a hidden lab. From out of the shadows Professor Tomoe
emerged, his hair disheveled and a maniacal gleam in his eyes. The lab
coated professor continued to laugh like a loon as he reached for his
phone.
"Hello," a shrill voice on the other end answered.
"Come into the lab at once," he ordered, brusquely hanging up the phone
as he strode towards a smoldering cauldron. A few seconds later, the
door to his basement was flung open by a hideous looking woman in an
outlandish costume.
"Well, here I am!" she announced cheerfully.
Professor Tomoe frowned. "You know," he sighed, "I was once one of the
most frightening Sailor Moon villains of all. I had it all; an evil
organization known as the Death Busters, a daemon named Germatoid in
possession of me, a daughter who was powerful enough to blow up the
earth and who was going to become the Messiah of Silence by bringing
Pharaoh 90 into our reality, and a small army of gorgeous witches known
as the Witches Five who all had bodies that looked like Dolly Parton in
zero gravity."
"Now look at me," he lamented, "I'm hiding out in my basement again, and
the only help I'm able to get this time around is Witchy Poo from H.R.
Puff-n-Stuff."
"You take what you can get dearie," Witchy Poo snapped back, "Now
remember our deal; I'll help you in this asinine... er... insane plan
for world conquest, if you help me get that kid and his magic talking
flute..."
"Yes, yes, of course," Professor Tomoe said dismissively as he took out
a bag and walked over to the still smoldering cauldron, "Let's see..."
he chuckled as he pulled several DVDs out of the bag, "This is the time
of year when young people all around the world gather at beach houses
for partying and binge-drinking."
"Really?" Witchy Poo asked, "Where did a professor like you learn
something like that?"
"From watching Girls Gone Wild of course," he answered. "Now then, for
my nefarious plan I'll need Beach Blanket Bingo and Back to the Beach
featuring Frankie and Annette," he explained as he dropped the two surf
movies into the cauldron, "Clam Bake starring Elvis Presley, Catalina
Caper, a bunch of bootleg footage of the Sailor Moon live musicals that
toured Japan, and Knight Sabers: Vacation in Bali for flavoring," he
added as he dropped in the other DVDs.
The cauldron quickly began to boil and bubble.
"Now then," Professor Tomoe asked, "What have you found foul, wretched,
evil and disgusting enough for me to add as a corrupting agent to this
monstrous brew?"
"Just this," Witchy Poo answered as she pulled out a computer disc, "I
copied it off the internet. It's thirty-five chapters of the most
god-awful fanfiction ever written, all about two year old
gangsta-bitches, the Classical Greek poet Sappho doing a bad imitation
of the Fonze from Happy Days, and featuring more lesbians than a Lilith
Fair concert! And to top the whole stupid mess off, some jackass keeps
getting killed in each chapter so that his girlfriend and another girl
can get together." With that, she tossed the computer disc into the
cauldron.
Suddenly, the liquid inside the cauldron began to glow bright green.
"Professor Tomoe," Witchy Poo asked, "Wha... What's happening?"
The professor looked worried, "I... I'm not sure, I..."
-KA-BOOOOOOOM!-
Both Professor Tomoe and Witchy Poo were knocked back against the far
wall of the basement. The professor opened his eyes first and smiled
with glee.
"Muwah ha, ha, ha!" he cried out triumphantly, "It's alive! It's alive!
It's...
------
-The Mamoru Must Die Spring Break Musical Reunion Spectacular in 3-D!-
------
Author's Notes: That's right folks! By popular demand, the cast and crew
of Mamoru Must Die! reunite one last time, and this time it's in a 3-D
musical!
Most of you out there are already familiar with the setup, but for those
who aren't here's the rundown: there's a lot of fans out there of the
Rei/Usagi pairing (just look at all the depressing, angsty stories
written about these two). The problem is that, no matter how good you
may think Usagi and Rei could be, Mamoru's always hanging around to ruin
Rei's chances. Thus, Mamoru Must Die!
So put your 3-D glasses on, sit back, and enjoy the following insult to
good taste.
------
As the sun slowly rises in the east, our story begins at a large beach
house resort overlooking the Pacific Ocean. All is calm and quiet as the
waves gently break against the shore and seagulls and pelicans fly
overhead in the clear morning sky.
Suddenly, the calm is disturbed by the sounds of cars, jeeps and
dune-buggies racing up to the beachside resort. Young men in swim trunks
and girls in bikinis run out, grabbing their surfboards as they rush the
house. As sixties beach music begins to play in the background, they all
turn towards the audience and begin to sing and dance...
--
Beach blanket fiasco,
Beach blanket fiasco,
Beach blanket fiasco,
That's the name of the song.
The four Outers own a beach house now,
For surfer dudes and girls,
Now at Spring Break, our story begins now,
Filled with fun and thrills.
But it looks like trouble is brewing,
Evil's in the air,
That rich jerk Mamoru is threatening on foreclosing,
To steal the resort (and that ain't fair).
He wants to get his hands on the beach house now,
That greedy creep makes us sick,
And his girlfriend Usagi isn't treated right now,
But that'll change by the end of the fic.
Beach blanket fiasco,
Beach blanket fiasco,
Beach blanket fiasco,
That's the end of our song.
--
As the song ends and the young boys and girls run off to surf, the door
to the beach house opens to reveal Haruka and Michiru. The blonde is
wearing shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops, whereas Michiru is wearing a
much more revealing aqua-green bikini. They are soon joined by their
friend Setsuna in a lovely green sun dress and their adopted daughter
Hotaru who's wearing all black.
"Well," Haruka said with a self-satisfied smile on her face, "It looks
like business is booming for us once again."
"Let's hope so," Michiru answered, "You know we need the money to keep
our beach resort going."
"We all know that," Setsuna quipped, "All the surfers just sang a song
about it, remember? By the way..." she said as she turned slowly towards
Hotaru, "What's with the all-black getup?"
"I'm in mourning," the youngster answered.
"Mourning?" Haruka asked, "For what?"
"For my love life," Hotaru griped, "Here it is; spring break, and I
don't have anybody."
"(sigh) I know what you mean," Setsuna admitted, "I don't have anyone
either."
"Well it's your own faults," Michiru said, "You're both inside the beach
house all the time, either dusting off your lamp collection or
complaining about how annoying it is to be a school nurse dealing with
kids trying to fake being sick in order to get out of classes."
"Michiru's right," Haruka added, "Look firefly, you and your
Setsuna-mama have to get out more, meet new people and at least attempt
to mingle. I mean, it's not like love is just going to drive up and..."
she was cut off as a van skidded off the road and began driving
erratically on the sandy beach, heading directly towards the four women
and the front of their beach resort. The vehicle did a quick
three-hundred and sixty degree turn before coming to a stop mere feet
from where Hotaru and Setsuna were standing.
As the doors of the van flung open, angry shouting burst forth.
"Minako, you idiot! You almost got us into a car wreck!"
"I'm sorry Rei, but I can barely see the road with these 3-D glasses
on."
"The 3-D glasses are for the viewers at home," Ami said, "Take them off
if you're going to drive."
"Chibi-Usa?" Makoto asked, "Are you okay?"
"N... Not really," the youngster admitted, "I was already feeling a bit
car sick, but after that quick spin at the end..."
"You there!" Setsuna growled as she stormed over to the van, "My family
and I could've been killed just now! What kind of a reckless moron would
drive like that? I..."
"I'm sorry," Minako said as she took off the flimsy 3-D glasses and
walked over to her, "It's all my fault, you see..." Minako forgot what
she was saying, and violin and harp music began to play in the
background as she and Setsuna caught sight of one another. As both began
to blush feverishly, the others began to exit the van.
"Are you okay?" Hotaru asked as a youngster with pink hair stepped out
of the van clutching her chest.
"Urgh, not really. I feel kind of sick to my stomach and..." her voice
drifted off and the harp and violin music began to play once again as
Chibi Usa and Hotaru locked eyes.
As the youngsters stared admiringly at one another, Michiru turned to
Haruka with a smirk, "What was that you said about not waiting for love
to drive up?"
Before the sandy-blonde could answer, Ami walked over to the pair.
"Hello," she began, "I'm Ami Mizuno-Kino. My wife Makoto Mizuno-Kino and
I rented rooms for us and our friends."
"It's our honeymoon," Makoto said as she came up and put her arm around
Ami. As the smaller girl blushed cutely Haruka smiled.
"Of course," the blonde answered, adding, "Your rooms are all ready for
you."
Meanwhile, Rei was busy unstrapping her surfboard from the roof of the
van. She turned around to see Setsuna and Minako smiling at one another
as elsewhere Chibi Usa and Hotaru introduced themselves to one another,
and sighed.
"What's wrong Rei?" a voice asked.
Rei looked down to see Minako's cat Artemis staring up at her, the cat
having leapt out one of the van's open windows, and frowned.
"We're not even here a full minute and everyone already found somebody,"
she explained, "I don't think I'm ever going to find somebody for me."
"Now don't get discouraged," Artemis answered, "You only just got here
and..." the cat was cut off as a blaring-loud car horn was rudely blown.
As ominous music began playing in the background, Rei and the others
turned to see a long silver limousine drive up to the beach house, a
large gold hood ornament in the shape of a yen sign prominently
displayed on the front of the vehicle. Haruka strode in front of the
others, anger plainly displayed on her face as she placed herself
between the limo and the group.
The limo driver, a young man with hair long enough that the bangs hung
in front of his eyes and in need of a good shave, ran out and opened the
rear door. The rich multi-millionaire Mamoru Chiba exited the limo
wearing a commodore hat.
"Yuuichirou," he said as he addressed his driver, "Take the turns slower
next time. You almost made me spill my drink." Turning back to the door
he'd just exited, he said snidely, "Usagi, come on. We're here now."
A beautiful blonde looked out of the limo, her hair pulled up into
odangos and in her arms she held a black cat with a half-moon symbol on
its head. She took one step out of the limo, and immediately tripped
over a piece of driftwood, falling flat on her face.
Mamoru rolled his eyes, turned away from his girlfriend dismissively and
motioned for his driver to follow him. As they approached Haruka, Rei,
observing what had just happened, dropped her surfboard and ran over to
help the blonde.
"Are you alright?" she asked as she offered the young lady a hand.
"Yes," Usagi said as she took the hand offered her, "I'm just clumsy I
guess, I..." as she looked up and their eyes met, once again harp and
violin music began to play in the background as both young women felt
their hearts nearly beat out of their chests.
Meanwhile, Mamoru and his limo-driving lackey swaggered over to a very
angry Haruka.
"Mamoru," Haruka growled out in a dangerously low tone, "This is private
property, get out."
"Haruka," Mamoru sneered, "Is that any way to talk to the future owner
of this resort?"
"Not yet you're not!" Michiru shouted as she came to Haruka's side, "We
have until noon tomorrow to raise the money to pay the mortgage. Until
then this is still our resort."
Minako looked from Setsuna to the argument taking place and back,
"What's going on?" she asked, "Who's the jerk over there?"
"That's Mamoru Chiba, Esquire. He's the richest man in all Tokyo."
"He's after our resort," Hotaru added sadly, "He wants to kick me and my
parents out."
"Don't worry," Chibi Usa said as she took Hotaru's hand in her own,
"We'll help to save your parents' resort somehow."
As the drama in front of the resort continued to unfold, Rei and Usagi
continued to stare into each other's eyes.
"H... Hello," Rei finally managed to say, "I'm Rei Hino, the Japanese
surfing champion."
"My name's Usagi," the blonde answered, her face blushing under Rei's
gaze, "Usagi Tsukino. And this is my cat, Luna."
"Usagi," Rei whispered, "It's a beautiful name."
The blonde smiled at the compliment, but her heart was in turmoil; what
was this feeling welling up within her as she stood before this
raven-haired stranger? She was with Mamoru now, she was already spoken
for. Besides, Rei was a girl. How could she be having these kinds of
feelings for someone of her own sex?
As Usagi tried to figure out her feelings, back in front of the resort
things were getting heated.
"We may have just arrived here," Makoto spoke up, "But we're not going
to just stand by and watch a bully like you take away this beach house
from these nice people."
"My wife's right," Ami added, "We'll help them raise the money somehow."
"You?" Mamoru laughed, "Oh please. Like I'm really afraid of the four of
you, your talking cat and that pink-haired brat of yours."
"Hey!" Artemis and Chibi Usa yelled out angrily. Before anyone else
could say anything, a teary-eyed Hotaru stepped forward to address
Mamoru.
"But why?" she asked as she came up by her Haruka-papa's side, "Why do
you want to drive us out of business? Why?"
"Why?" Mamoru asked snidely, "I'll tell you why; musicals. I HATE
musicals! They make no sense; every five to ten minutes some character
or other breaks out singing and dancing for one ridiculous reason or
another. And beach movie musicals are the worst, lowest-brow form of
musical there is! So after I succeed in getting your folks beach resort,
I'm going to tear it down and replace it with a sporting arena for
monster truck rallies."
"WHAT?!?" everybody gasped in unison.
"That's right, I plan on turning the beach-side into a giant mud-pit."
he gloated, adding, "Lets see them try to make a friggin' musical about
that."
"Hmm..." Minako muttered to herself, "Let's see..."
--
Oh, I'm drivin' round in my huge-ass monster truck now,
Plowin' through mud and ridin' over junk cars now,
And heaven help the poor soul who gets in my way now,
‘Cause I'll have fun, fun, fun,
‘Till my daddy takes my Bigfoot away...
--
"M... Minako-chan," Artemis groaned as everybody present sweatdropped,
"It was a figure of speech; he didn't actually mean for somebody to try
to make a musical about monster trucks."
"Really?" Minako asked, "Oops, he, he. Sorry. I'm just a born idol
singer I guess."
"Enough of this!" Mamoru roared, "You have until noon tomorrow to come
up with the money, or I foreclose on you! Come on Yuuichirou," he
ordered as he turned his back on the group.
As Mamoru headed back towards the limo, Rei and Usagi were still holding
hands.
"Usagi," Rei said, "I know this is forward, but I'd like to see you
again sometime. Where do you live?"
"I live at Chiba Manor up on the hill, and... Chiba! I almost forgot,
I'm engaged to Mamoru Chiba, Esquire."
"Only you could forget something like that," Luna quipped, the cat
currently being held in Usagi's free arm, "Speaking of which, here he
comes now."
"You!" Mamoru exclaimed, "Who are you, and why are you holding my
fiancée's hand?"
"I fell," Usagi spoke up, "And Rei here..."
"Usagi's mine," Mamoru said angrily as he pulled her away from Rei,
"Hands off!" as she pulled the blonde away, Usagi looked back to
exchange a sad glance with Rei. Just then, the limo driver walked over.
"Hi there," he said as he flashed a goofy smile, "My name's Yuuichirou.
You're a pretty young girl. I'm not very good at this sort of thing,
but..."
"No, you're not," Rei answered, cutting him off as she turned away and
walked back over to her friends. The now crest-fallen limo driver turned
around, got in the limo, and drove Usagi and Mamoru away.
As Rei came up to her friends, she saw them in a conference with the
owners of the beach resort.
"I've got an idea," Ami said, "You guys can throw a concert and raise
money that way."
"My wife's right," Makoto put in, "You already have an entire beach full
of binge-drinking horny spring breakers, all you need is some talent and
you'll be raking in the dough, I..."
"A concert!" Minako exclaimed excitedly, "Yes, at last my time has
come!"
--
C'est la vie, as long as I am me,
C'est la vie, I want to keep on being in love with you,
C'est la vie, that's the reason I am me...
--
"Minako-chan," Rei grumbled, "Will you stop trying to hog the spotlight
in this musical."
"Besides," Artemis added, "That song from the Live-Action Sailor Moon
show is BEYOND annoying!" Turning to the camera, he addressed the
audience as he rolled his eyes, "You see, she's 'Sailor V,' and she
sings a song called 'C'est la vie.' Get it? Isn't that just too witty?"
he asked sarcastically.
"Fourth wall!" Ami yelled angrily at the cat.
"Look," Haruka interrupted, "Rather than stand here and squabble, let's
go inside the beach house and figure out how we can put on a concert."
As everyone began to head into the resort house, Rei looked once again
back over to where the limo had driven away. "Chiba Manor up on the
hill, eh?" she whispered to herself just before turning around to follow
the others into the house.
------
-That Night-
Mamoru was throwing a large party at his mansion for all his rich and
well-to-do friends. Usagi, feeling terribly out of place among the
blue-bloods, left the party early and snuck outside into the garden
behind the large and opulent manor. As she bent down to smell a rose,
she heard a twig snap behind her. Fearfully, she turned toward the
noise.
"Who's there?" she cried out, her heart beating rapidly as she strained
her eyes by the moonlight to make out who the visitor could possibly be.
"Come out so I can see you."
Slowly, a figure came forward out of the bushes, "Please don't be
afraid," a feminine voice said, "But I just had to see you again." A
second later, a familiar-looking dark-haired beauty stepped out into the
moonlight.
"I remember you," Usagi said as she looked closer, "You were there at
that beach resort Mamo-chan wants to close down, weren't you?"
Rei swallowed nervously as she nodded her head, "Yes, I was there this
morning. And I remember you too, which is why I'm here now. Usagi, when
I saw you this morning, I... I felt something; something warm and tingly
and wonderful all at once. Did... Did you feel anything?"
"Yes. No. I don't know!" the blonde blurted out as she took a few steps
back, "We shouldn't be talking of such things," she said sadly, "I'm
engaged to Mamoru, and besides I should be back there at his party
and..."
"Wait," Rei pleaded as she took Usagi's hands and held them firmly in
her own. "Before you leave, there's something I have to say," she said,
their eyes meeting as music began to play and Rei began to sing...
--
Ever since I first saw you,
Though you're clumsy and without a clue,
When I saw your blue eyes I knew,
That I was in love with you.
Kami-sama knows what I'd be without you.
And yes I know I'm a girl,
But if you give this lesbian thing a whirl,
I'll make you so happy, I will,
Your fondest wish I'll fulfill.
Kami-sama knows what I'd be without you.
Kami-sama knows what I'd be without you.
I snuck here to see you tonight,
Because Mamoru doesn't treat you right,
I'd fight for you with all my might,
To hold you close just for one night.
Kami-sama knows what I'd be without you.
Kami-sama knows what I'd be without you.
Kami-sama knows...
--
"Stop right there!" Mamoru growled as he stormed over to the two young
women, "I thought I heard something out here, and sure enough I come out
here and find you here singing to Usagi. I hate singing! And if there's
anything I hate worse than singing, it's someone singing love-songs to
my fiancée behind my back. Now get out," he said threateningly, "Or I'll
sick my dogs on you."
Rei looked from Mamoru back to Usagi, the blonde sadly looking down at
the ground as she avoided eye contact.
"You... You'd best do as he says," she said sorrowfully, adding "I'm
sorry."
Rei's face fell as she turned and left, leaving Usagi and Mamoru behind
as she headed back to her friends at the beach house.
"Humph," Mamoru snorted, "Good riddance." With that he turned away and
headed back towards the mansion, leaving his fiancée alone.
Usagi looked sadly back towards where she and Rei had been standing. As
soaring, romantic music began to play in the background, she put her
hands over her heart, closed her eyes, and opened her mouth to sing...
"Oh no you don't!" Mamoru shouted angrily as he suddenly ran back on
screen, "Not like that; no fiancée of mine is going to be singing behind
my back! Now come on," he ordered, grabbing her by the wrist and
dragging her back into the ball room where the party was taking place.
------
-The Next Morning-
"Michiru-mama," Hotaru asked, "Do you really think this charity concert
will raise enough money to save our resort?"
"We can only hope Taru-chan," the aqua-haired artist answered. As Makoto
opened the concession stand and the surfers began to line up at the
ticket booth Chibi Usa and Artemis were running, Haruka appeared on a
hastily constructed stage and smiled out at the slowly-growing crowd.
"Welcome to our outdoor charity rock concert to save our beach house,"
she said cheerfully, "We need twenty-thousand yen to save our resort, so
before we bring the band out let's go over to Ami who's manning the
teleprompter and see where we are right now."
Ami pressed a button and a large digital display popped up. Haruka took
one look at the display, and her jaw dropped.
"Negative forty thousand yen?!?" she stuttered out, "How the hell can we
be starting out in the negative?"
"Well," Ami explained, "Between buying the materials for the stage,
hiring the musicians, and rental of the teleprompter..."
"Grrr..." Haruka growled out as a vein popped out on her forehead and
her right eye twitched, "Fine, no problem. Anyways folks, I hope you're
ready to rock out old-school, because our first act is none other than
that classic rock group and recent Rock-And-Roll Hall of Fame inductees
Josie and the Pussycats, so let's put our hands together and..."
"Psst..."
Haruka turned to her right and saw Setsuna coming out from the backstage
area. The shapely woman quickly came over and whispered something in the
blonde's ear.
"Huh?" Haruka asked in disbelief, "What do you mean they couldn't make
it?" As Setsuna whispered once again in her ear the tomboy's face fell,
"The drummer and tambourine player are in rehab? Urgh... Fine! Then
we'll bring out the other band we got lined up, Gem and the Holo..." she
was cut off as once again Setsuna whispered something, "The Holograms
broke up over creative differences? Who do we have?"
Before Setsuna could answer, loud, bass-heavy rap music began to play
from behind the large curtain they were standing in front of.
"Oh no," Haruka groaned as Seiya, Taiki and Yaten, the former teen heart
throbs once known as the Star Lights and who were now the gangster rap
group known as the Gang-Stars took the stage. As the music grew steadily
louder Seiya, now known by his rap name of Seriously Deranged S and
dressed in hip-hop jeans two sizes to large, took the mike...
--
Straight outta Kinmoku,
Crazy mo-fo named Seiya,
From this gang called the Gang-Stars!
They call me Seriously Deranged S,
So mess with me and I'll pump a cap in your ass!
Gonna smack the ho's we don't like,
Bitch Slapper T, take da mike!
--
With that, Taiki took the mike, flashed a gang sign, and started to rap
as well...
--
Straight outta Kinmoku,
Bitch Slapper T gots his gat,
Drinkin' his Pimp Juice and lookin' phat!
You know you surfer punks don't wanna mess with me,
‘Cause I'm da Bitch Slapper, and I'll knock out your teeth!
Now before I go grab my chronic and get high,
Here comin' at ya all is Violent Homicidal Y!
--
As Totally Deranged S yelled out "What?" "Yeah!" and "Okay!" for no good
reason whatsoever, Yaten took center stage
--
Straight outta Kinmoku,
It's your worst nightmare, Violent Homicidal Y
Rappin' misogynistic lyrics about eatin' pie!
I got my sawed-off, got my freak on,
So all you all best turn and run...
--
The Gang-Stars continued on with the violent lyrics for another three
minutes until the music finally ended. They were expecting to be greeted
by crowds cheering for them.
Instead, they heard a chorus of crickets chirping.
------
-A Short Time Later-
"This is a disaster," Haruka lamented. "Ami, how did we do?"
"Well... After ticket sales and sales at the concession stand my wife
was running, minus the money from the concert goers asking for their
money back..."
"Yes?" the sandy blonde asked hopefully.
"You broke even."
"Damn it!" the sandy-blonde yelled. As Michiru went to console Haruka,
Minako, Rei and Chibi Usa were trying to support Setsuna and Hotaru.
"It's all over now," Hotaru wept, "My parents and I are going to lose
our beach house."
"Don't cry," Chibi Usa said in a soothing tone as she hugged the
dark-haired girl, "We'll come up with something."
"No, thank you, but my adopted daughter's right," Setsuna said sadly,
"It's too late to save our resort now."
"Oh, cheer up Sets-chan," Minako said, "After all..."
--
The sun will come up, tomorrow.
Bet you bottom dollar that tomorrow,
There'll be...
--
"Minako!" Rei interrupted, "What did I tell you about trying to use this
musical to steal the spotlight?"
Before the blonde could respond, a familiar-looking silver stretch-limo
drove up to the beach house. The limo driver, Yuuichirou, waved to Rei,
only to shrink back at the icy glare she gave him. He quickly turned
away and went to the back of the limo, opening the door for Usagi and
Mamoru.
Mamoru smugly began to walk forward, but his smugness quickly faded as
his fiancée, carrying Luna, rushed past him and ran up to Rei.
"Rei-chan," Usagi said affectionately as she came up to the raven-haired
surfing champion, "I... I've been thinking about last night."
"And?" Rei asked hopefully.
"And," Usagi began as soaring, romantic music began to play in the
background, "I felt... Something..." she said as she closed her eyes and
was about to sing...
"No, not like that!" Mamoru yelled as he rushed into the scene, causing
the music to come to an abrupt end, "There'll be no singing while I'm
around, damn it!" turning to face Haruka and her family, he triumphantly
held up several sheets of paper, "Here's the legal contracts, as well as
the foreclosure papers. The beach house is now mine!" he cried out
triumphantly.
"You can't do this," Makoto said as she came over to join the others,
"You can't throw these nice people out and turn this beachside into an
arena for monster truck rallies!"
"I can, and I will," Mamoru answered as he reached into his pocket for
his cellular phone and quickly dialed a number, "Bring it in," he
ordered.
The ground started to tumble and shake as several large construction
trucks rolled in, including a huge one containing tons upon tons of mud
for the arena. Strangely though, all along the truck were biohazard and
radiation warning signs, as well as skull and crossbones and warnings to
stay at least twenty feet away from the rig.
Stranger still were the driver and his companion, both of whom were
wearing radiation suits.
------
"Wait, I don't get any of this!" Witchy Poo exclaimed, "I thought we
were out to take over the world, and instead we disappear for thirteen
pages, only to reappear now carting around mud for a monster truck
arena? What gives?"
"Patience my little henchman," Professor Tomoe said with glee, "For you
see, I've been using that rube Mamoru and his greed to help me with my
evil plans all along! And this isn't just any mud; it's evil, possessed
mud."
"What?"
"Yes," the professor explained, "It's full of dark energy. And after
months of studying and research, I've figured out that several earth
power lines, better known as ley lines, converge at the exact spot where
the beach house is now located. Therefore, once this evil mud is dumped
there, it will create a wormhole in time and space, opening an
interdimensional portal and allowing Pharaoh 91, Pharaoh 90's big
brother, to cross over into our universe. Muwah ha, ha, ha!"
"Pharaoh 90's big brother?" Wichy Poo asked disdainfully, "That was kind
of a dumb joke."
"What do you want from me?" Professor Tomoe asked defensively, "I didn't
write the script."
------
"You creep!" Chibi Usa yelled at Mamoru, "How can you be so cruel?"
"Meh, it comes naturally," Mamoru answered with a shrug. Behind him,
Professor Tomoe and Witchy Poo walked over, carrying a pale of the evil,
possessed mud.
"I don't care what kind of papers you have for my parents," Hotaru said,
"We... Dad?" she asked, tilting her head a bit as she recognized the
professor, "What are you doing here in this musical?"
"Well, you know," he answered with a smile as he put his hand behind his
head, "I figured that as long as I was about to take over the world and
plunge the earth into dark slavery under Pharaoh 91, I'd stop by first
to check up and see how you've been doing with your new family."
"Oh. Well I'm okay I guess, I... WHAT?" Hotaru exclaimed.
"Witchy Poo," Professor Tomoe ordered, "Now!"
Before anyone had any time to react, Witchy Poo took the pale of
possessed mud and splashed its contents out at the group. Everyone
managed to get out of the way of the evil goop but Hotaru, Chibi Usa and
Mamoru. All three began to glow a dark purple. Suddenly, Mamoru was
wearing a tuxedo, cape and top hat, Hotaru had grown older and was
sporting an upside-down black star on her forehead, and Chibi Usa had
likewise grown older. The two girls looked at one another.
"I am Mistress Nine," the thing that was once Hotaru said menacingly.
"I am Dark Lady," the thing that was Chibi Usa answered back.
Suddenly, violin and harp music played in the background as the two now
evil girls began to smile warmly at one another.
"Muwah ha, ha, ha!" Professor Tomoe laughed, "And now, with these three
possessed lackeys at my side, I will dump the evil mud and release
Pharaoh 91, muwah ha, ha..."
"Not so fast!"
Everyone turned to see Rei staring down the Professor, a look of grim
determination on her face.
"You haven't won yet," she declared, "Before you can dump that evil mud
you have to get through me!"
"You?" Witchy Poo laughed, "And how are you going to stop us?"
"Simple," Rei answered, "I challenge you and your fellow no-goodnicks to
a surfing contest, winner takes all!"
"Hmmm..." Professor Tomoe said thoughtfully, "Very well, I'll accept
your challenge. If you win, the beach house stays, everyone gets
de-possessed, and the world is saved. If we win, you and all mankind
will become our slaves. But it is not me you shall face, but my
champion; Dark Tuxedo Kamen!"
As if on cue, the evil tuxedo-clad lackey came forward, "For my master,
and for Pharaoh 91," he declared, "I will defeat you, and win this
surfing competition."
"Humph, I'm not scared of you, Dark Tuxedo Dork," Rei said dismissively,
"Because you see..." beach music began to play in the background as the
dark-haired beauty began to sing and dance.
--
I'm gonna kick your ass,
Turn you into a bloody mass,
If you think that you'll win,
You can sit on your thumb and spin,
‘Cause I'm gon-na kick your ass!
--
Suddenly Ami, Minako and Makoto joined in, singing and dancing behind
Rei.
--
That's right, she'll kick your ass,
She's the lawnmower and you're the grass,
She's gon-na bitch-slap you,
Leave you a drooling pile of goo,
‘Cause she's gon-na kick your ass!
--
"Usagi," Luna said as the blonde held the cat tightly in her arms,
"Usagi, the fate of all mankind is about to be decided by a surfing
contest! What do you make of all this?"
"I don't know about all humanity," Usagi admitted, "But I do know now
what's truly in my heart. For you see..." she said as she joined in on
the song.
--
I hope she kicks his ass,
And asks me to be her lass,
It's up to her now to save the day,
And if she does, for her I will turn gay,
But only if she kicks his...
--
"Enough with all the singing already!" Dark Tuxedo Kamen shouted angrily
as he clutched the sides of his head, "God, why on earth did I have to
get stuck in a friggin' beach musical?"
A short time later Rei, wearing an attractive two-piece red bikini, and
Dark Tuxedo Kamen, wearing a top hat, cape, mask and black swim trunks,
both stood on the shore holding their surfboards. As Rei looked over to
her left she saw her friends holding up a large banner saying "Go Rei!"
"On your mark," Professor Tomoe called out, "Get set, go!"
Both Rei and Dark Tuxedo Kamen ran into the water and began frantically
paddling out into deeper water. Suddenly, a large wave came, both
competitors catching it as they stood up on their boards.
Just then, Dark Tuxedo Kamen pulled a rose out of nowhere and flung it
at Rei, almost causing the Japanese surfing champion to lose her
balance.
"Hey," Michiru said angrily, "That's cheating."
"Muwah ha, ha, ha!" Professor Tomoe laughed, "Of course it's cheating;
we're the bad guys, remember?"
Rei found herself in the precarious position of both having to balance
on the board and dodge the roses being flung at her by her adversary.
Just as Dark Tuxedo Kamen was about to fling yet another of the scented
missiles at her, a nearby wave splashed something onto his face.
Unfortunately for Dark Tuxedo Kamen, it was a jelly fish.
"AAAAARGH!" he cried out, "Get it off, it burns!" Blinded by the
poisonous creature, he was no longer able to see Rei, the shore, or the
dingy he was about to collide with face first.
-BAM!-
The now unconscious villain flipped over the dingy into the path of a
passing motor boat, his limp body cut to ribbons by the boat's propeller
as Rei reached the shore and won the surfing contest.
"Nuts," Professor Tomoe grumbled as the evil possessed mud in his truck
disappeared and the daemon possessing him left.
Elsewhere...
"So after Pharaoh 91 enters our universe and takes over, you want to go
out for dinner and a movie maybe?" Mistress 9 asked.
"Sure," Dark Lady answered, "And then we can go out under the stars and
have a nice romantic walk among the bodies of our fallen foes, and..."
-POOF!-
"Who, what... What happened?" Chibi Usa asked.
"I'm not sure," Hotaru answered, "But from all the cheering the adults
are doing it sounds like we won."
-Later-
The makeshift stage out by the seashore was once again surrounded by
young men and women on Spring break as Haruka came once more out onto
the stage.
"Thank you all for coming again," Haruka said over the microphone,
"We're here this evening to celebrate both the saving of our world and
the beach house by Rei, and the fact that she now has a new girlfriend.
Let's give them both a big round of applause."
All the surfer guys and gals turned towards Rei, who was standing by the
side of the stage with Usagi in her arms, and cheered wildly for both of
them.
"And now," Haruka announced, "My roommate and friend Setsuna has been
working overtime and we've got a special treat for all of you out there;
your favorite surf music band and mine, Sappho and the Goddesses!"
Everyone in the crowd roared their approval, especially the girls, as
Sappho came out on stage wearing a leather jacket over her toga. With
her were her backup singers consisting of Belldandy, Skuld, and of
course her main squeeze Urd.
"Humph," Minako grumbled, "I don't see why I couldn't sing the last
song."
"Rei's right," Makoto quipped, "Stop trying to steal the spotlight."
"Heyyyy," Sappho called out over the mike, "How are all you chicks doing
out there?"
Several teenage girls swooned as numerous panties were thrown up on
stage to the native from the Isle of Lesbos, "Heyyyy," she said, giving
everyone in the crowd a thumbs up, "This song is dedicated to a very
special young lady. Hit it!" she called out to her band.
"Wait a second," Ami said as the guitarist up on stage began using a
wah-wah pedal and the bass line got heavier, "That doesn't sound like
surf music," she said as Sappho took the mike out of the stand and Rei
and Usagi kissed lovingly, "That sounds more like... the theme to
Shaft?!?"
--
"Who's the black-haired miko," Sappho asked,
"That's a sex machine to Usagi Tsukino?"
"(Rei!)" the goddesses all sang out.
You're damn right!
Who is the girl
That would risk her life for her sister girls?
(Rei!)
Can ya dig it?
Who's the chick that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
(Rei!)
Right on.
You see that Rei is a bad mother---
(Shut your mouth!)
I'm just talking about Rei.
(Then we can dig it)
She's a complicated girl
But no one understands her like Usagi.
(Hino Rei.)
--
And so, Rei won Usagi, Setsuna and Minako and Hotaru and Chibi Usa both
became couples as well, Ami and Makoto enjoyed a wonderful honeymoon
with their friends, Haruka and Michiru saved their beach house resort,
Professor Tomoe gave up trying to take over the world and is now using
his scientific genius to perfect his hand-held lightning rod, and Witchy
Poo has gone back to her island hideaway to once again plot how to steal
the magic talking flute. And everyone lived happily ever after.
Except for Mamoru, who ended up as shark bait.
-The End-
------
End Notes: Thanks goes out to my good friend Adam for suggesting "Beach
Blanket Fiasco" as the name of one of the songs. And yes, the idea of
Mamoru interrupting Usagi every time she tried to sing was inspired by
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (so sue me, it's my favorite film
outside of Casablanca).
Hmmm... Casablanca... Let's see; if I had Rei in the Humphry Bogart part
and Usagi in the Ingrid Bergman one...
Nah.
Anyways, for those playing at home, the songs parodied were "Beach
Blanket Bingo" from the movie of the same name starring Frankie Avalon
and Annette Funicello, "Fun, Fun, Fun," and "God Only Knows" by the
Beach Boys, "Straight Outta Compton" by NWA, the theme song to an
abysmal 60's film called "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," and the
theme to Shaft by Isaac Hayes.
This story is for Helena. If Ripples was my lamentation over lost love,
then this story is a celebration of our friendship and the joy of still
having you in my life.
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