---Editorial--- "Ladies and gentleman," the announcer's voice said, "Once again, it pains us to offer yet another rebuttal to the omake series 'Mamoru Must Die.' As the usual plain curtain backdrop comes into view, Kaioh Michiru and Mizuno Ami come out to address the viewers. "Good evening everyone." Ami says, "Today, Michi-chan and myself wish to protest, in the strongest possible terms, the complete and total lack of any educational or cultural value whatsoever in the series 'Mamoru Must Die." This being a fanfic of a shoujo anime whose original audience was ten and twelve year old girls, we both feel that it ill behooves the reading public to read this... this... pulp, which is totally lacking in anything even remotely capable of nourishing young minds." "Agreed." Michiru said with a nod, "And besides the lack of anything even remotely instructive to the youth of today, there is also a complete absence of cultural or artistic richness to this tripe. As an artist and as a musician, I find this lack of enlightenment to be..." From off stage, Makoto and Chibi Usa come out. "Ladies," Mako-chan begins, "I realize why you're out here, and I can sympathize, really. But you're putting our audience to sleep!" "Hey..." Chibi Usa said angrily, "This ain't chapter thirty of the Mazinger-Z fanfic I was reading. How'd I end up back in this crap?" "You see!" Ami shrieked as she pointed at the pink-haired little girl, "If little Chibi Usa there were reading quality, educational fair, she'd know 'ain't' isn't a word." "And of all the garbage to be filling your diminutive mind with. Mazinger-Z?" Michiru asked horrified, "I mean, granted, Go Nagai came out with that before he decided that all his heroines had to have jiggling breasts and look like Dolly Parton in zero gravity, but..." "Look," Makoto purred as she rubbed up next to Ami, "If you knock it off now, and let this story get under way, I'll make it worth your while." "Huh?" Ami asked, "What do you mean by that?" Mako-chan smiled as she leaned over and whispered something into Ami's ear. Michiru leaned over suspiciously to try to catch what was being said. Ami suddenly blushed beet red, "A... A... A Mizuno-fudge sundae?" she asked, her right eye twitching. In answer to her question, Mako-chan pulled out a can of whipped cream and placed a bit on her index finger. She then began to slowly lick it off, making low moaning noises as she did so. Ami began to drool a bit as a small trickle of blood showed itself coming out her nose. Michiru quickly stepped in, "Oh no you don't!" she shouted, "I'm not about to let the cause of learning and an appreciation of the arts fall victim to a floozy like you, especially when I'm better at seducing women than you'll ever be!" "What?" Mako asked incredulously as Michiru pulled Ami away from her and wrapped her own arms around the young genius. "Ami-chan" Michiru cooed as she stroked Ami's chin, "Rather than having a rather messy quickie with Mako over there (and then trying to clean fudge out of your bed linens), why not join me and Ruka for something a bit more... epicurean?" she said just before whispering into Ami's ear. The cute little genius blushed even worse than before as a goofy-looking grin appeared on her face. Suddenly her smile disappeared however, and a look of puzzlement took over. "Seventy-one?" she asked, "What's a seventy-one?" Michiru smiled seductively as she ran her fingers through Ami's hair, "It's like a sixty-nine," she explained, "except with two fingers stuck up the..." "HEY!" Chibi Usa shouted as she covered her ears, "Do you mind? All I wanted was to read a story about giant robots blowing shit up. I do not need a biology lesson on lesbian sex!" Before anyone else could respond, a paper airplane flew over to the group from off screen. Michiru caught it first and quickly read the note written on it, a look of triumph evident on her face. "Well?" Makoto asked, "What is it?" "It's a note from the author." Michiru answered. "Really?" Mako asked, "How do you know?" "Because it's written in red crayon." Michiru answered, at which point all four ladies present looked smirkingly out at the audience, "It says that he caves in, and this next omake will have educational content. Not because of our arguments, however, but out of sympathy for poor Ami who's being reduced to a catatonic state by..." Michiru looked up from the paper to poor Ami, who was shaking slightly as drool continued to run down her slacked jaw. "Ami-chan." Makoto said sorrowfully, "We're sorry, we'll make it up to you." "Absolutely." Michiru added sympathetically, "Come on, me and Mako-chan will fix everything... er... Mako-chan, be a dear and grab the whipped cream and hot fudge." As Makoto and Michiru each took one of Ami's arms and led her away, Chibi Usa stalked away angrily in the opposite direction. "Education, shmeducation." she grumbled, "I want my giant robots!" ---Omake Thirteen: Ol' MacMoru Had A Farm--- "And now," a sweet, kindly voice said over gentle background music, "It's time for Tokyo's favorite children's program, Children's Fairy Time." In a farm somewhere out in the countryside, Mamoru strolls out wearing a pair of overalls and a straw hat. "Greetings boys and girls." he says as he flashes a handsome smile, "Today on Children's Fairy Time, we're visiting Usagi's Uncle's farm. A F-A-R-M. Farm begins with the letter 'F,' as does 'fire.'" "Did somebody call?" a voice asked. From off-screen Rei came out, likewise in a pair of overalls, "Two other words that begins with 'F' are 'flaccid' and 'failure.' You'd know all about that, wouldn't you Mam..." "Ha ha ha, good one Rei-chan." Mamoru said through clenched teeth, "Besides the letter 'F,' there's also the letter 'D.' The letter 'D' is found a lot in phrases such as 'dirty diesel dyke' and 'disgusting, fish-eating...'" "Why you..." Rei was about to go further, when Usagi came out wearing a cute little farmer's daughter dress, complete with white high-heeled pumps. "Hello boys and girls." Usagi said. Turning to her boyfriend Mamoru and best friend Rei she looked down a bit, "Sorry I missed the beginning of the show, but I had to feed the horses. What were you two talking about?" "Oh, not much." Rei answered, "Moron... er, Mamoru and I were teaching the boys and girls at home all about the letters 'F' and 'D.' Right Mamoru?" Mamoru kept his fake smile on as he looked angrily at Rei, "That's right." he said, "And we were just about to discuss numbers. Numbers such as, oh I don't know, how about zero. Z-E-R-O. Let's use 'zero' in a sentence, boys and girls. 'If Rei were to count the number of times she'd been out on a date in the last three years...'" "Or if Mamoru were to count how many times he's done it with a woman other than his inflatable date..." "Oh gee, look at the time!" Usagi said nervously as she pushed herself between the two, "Today on Children's Fairy projects, me and Mamoru are going up on the roof of my uncle's barn to lay some tiles down. Won't that be fun boys and girls?" "Why don't we sit this one out and send Rei up to fix the roof." Mamoru suggested, "After all, it IS fairy projects, and Rei IS a flaming..." "You know kids," Rei said through clenched teeth as Usagi sweatdropped, "One of the great things about our show is how you can learn new things. For example, I'm now going to teach Mamoru a lesson all about pain..." "Bring it on you..." "Whoah!" Usagi cried as she desperately tried to keep the two apart, "Cut to the next scene! Cut to the next..." ------ "Hello again boys and girls." Usagi said as she smiled nervously, "Here I am up on the roof of the barn with my Mamo-chan. Oh, isn't it romantic up here?" "It would be if your uncle hadn't tricked us into fixing his roof." "What?" "Oh nothing dear. Now boys and girls, as you can see, Usagi's uncle has a barn in need of repairs. This is grown up work, so ask your parent's permission before going up on your own roof at home. Anyways, you want to be careful up on the roof, because the tiles can be slippery." "Gee Mamo-chan, I'll agree with you there. You know better than anyone how accident prone I can be, and trying to keep my balance up here with these stupid pumps on is..." "ANYWAYS, we're going to lay the first tile down now. I'm going to hold this first tile while I take this nail next to me and hold it over here. Now Usagi, pick up that hammer next to you." "You mean this one?" the blonde asked as she picked up the heavy object. Mamoru nodded approvingly, "That's it." he said with a smile, "Now then," he began as he lined up the nail, "When I nod my head, you hit it." Usagi looked at Mamoru, then out at the audience, then back to Mamoru. "Um, Mamo-chan" she said in a low voice, "Are you really sure you want me to..." "Gosh boys and girls, Usagi sure is slow, huh?" he then turned to his girlfriend and gave her an icy stare, "I said, when I nod my head, you hit it! Okay?" Usagi sighed as she nodded her head. Mamoru once again lined up the nail and, smiling to himself, nodded to the blonde. THWACK! "Ow!" Mamoru shouted as he held his head between his hands, "What in the fu..." "You told me that when you nodded your head I was supposed to..." "THE NAIL! I meant for you to hit the nail you stupid blonde bimbo! I... I..." Mamoru suddenly found himself loosing balance. Before he could stop himself, he fell off the roof to the ground below. Luckily, the fall did not kill him. Unluckily, the hay bailer passing by at that instant did. Rei ran over as Usagi was climbing down the ladder from the roof, "Look boys and girls." she said, "What do you suppose that is? Some sort of giant Rubik's Cube, or a modern art piece, or..." "Mamo-chan!" Usagi shrieked as she ran over to the gruesome bail, "Oh no, oh Mamo-chan..." Rei went over to her friend and took her in her arms, "Boys and girls," she said looking out at the audience, "Usagi and I have to have a moment alone right now. We'll be right back." she added, making a motion with her hand across her neck for the cameraman to cut the scene. ------ "Hello." Usagi said, "I suppose all you nice boys and girls are wondering why we're suddenly in my bedroom, and why I'm wearing this Little Bo Peep costume. Well, it's been a week since Mamo-chan passed away, and me and Rei had a nice long chat, followed by one incredible night I'll never forget." she said, smiling from ear to ear as she blushed at the memories. "Anyways, Rei taught me some new letters to add to my vocabulary. They are 'L' for 'lesbian,' 'S' for 'submissive'..." "And of course 'D' for 'Dominatrix.'" Rei added as she walked in the room wearing a skin-tight black leather corset ensemble and carrying an ominous looking black bag, "Us adults are going to be busy for awhile," she said as she reached into the bag to pull out a pair of handcuffs, "So now would be a good time to say goodbye." Rei turned to Usagi in time to catch the look the blonde was giving her, and smiled, "Yes." she said with a nod, "You have my permission to say goodbye to the kids." "Thank you mistress." Usagi said. She then turned back to the audience, "Goodbye boys and girls. See you next time on Children's Fairy Time, and remember to brush your teeth."
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