Longing
It's raining.
I smile a little as I gaze out my bedroom window, watching the
drops of water beating against the window. I like when nature is in
tune with my emotions...
The sky is dark, just like my thoughts. The almost-black clouds
are blocking any light and warmth, just like the sadness in my heart.
The rain is like the tears that have been falling from my eyes for the
last hour or so. And neither of them are going to stop anytime soon.
I feel so alone right now...like everyone out there has
someone...someone to love them...and I'm the odd one out in this world.
Always will be.
I certainly am the odd one out in this house. Haruka and
Michiru are very much in love, and Hotaru has Small Lady. The other
senshi? Makoto and Ami have each other, Usagi has Mamoru...and Rei...
well, maybe I'm not the only single senshi left. But even so...I just
feel so left out, surrounded by all these happy couples. Not that I'm
bitter. I'm happy for them. They deserve to be happy with each other.
It's just that...they're all so in love, and I'm just...alone.
Completely alone
Always have been, and always will be.
I'm used to feeling this way...I have been for years. But it
doesn't hurt any less.
And what hurts even more is that the only one I want is someone
I can never have. Someone who could never feel the same for me as I
feel for her.
And why would she?
Why would someone like her have any sort of feelings for
someone like me? Someone like Yaten or Rei would be much better for
her. We're completely different. She's so light, so upbeat and
optimistic, and I'm so solemn, so dark...others have said I was
emotionless because I'm so calm. I never lose my cool when I'm around
others...even in battle. They don't know what I'm like when they're not
around...they don't know what I'm really like, just how much pain I'm
in...how lonely I am...
And she doesn't even know that I love her...that she means
everything to me. Just seeing her smile at me brightens my day. She's
just so wonderful, wonderful in a way only she can be. I have told her
that anyone would be lucky to have her, when she's lonely because she
hasn't found the right person. But only saying it as a friend would,
and nothing more. She doesn't know that I not only mean it, I know it.
Anyone would be extremely lucky to be with her.
And she never will know.
There's no way I can ever let her know this. It wouldn't
matter...she could never feel the same way about me. Not to mention it
would ruin our friendship...and I'm lucky enough to be her friend
considering we have so little in common. And if I did tell her, what if
she hated me for it and never spoke to me again?
That's what scares me the most. The possibilty of rejection. I
can't stand the thought of losing her...just thinking about that makes
my heart ache more than I can say.
I'm so tired of being so afraid. I want to tell her how much I
love her, that even when I'm so depressed it almost hurts physically,
just her beautiful smile alleviates my pain...that she's my one reason
to live.
But I can't.
I just can't.
So I just continue to stand in the shadows, hoping she'll
notice me. Adoring her from afar. And crying myself to sleep at night
over my unrequited love.
I look outside at the rain again. It's coming down heavier, and
I sense a storm coming. At least nature isn't being as cruel to me as
life is...
Sighing, I lie down on the bed, clutching my pillow as more
tears stream down my cheeks. I glance at the clock on my nightstand,
barely able to see the time as my eyes are blurred.
12:30am...it feels so much later. I yawn...maybe some sleep
would help get my mind off of my pain...no, it wouldn't do any good as
I'll only dream about her.
I can't sleep anyway...but my eyelids are beginning to feel
heavy.
All I can think about is her. My blonde angel of love and
beauty. My ray of light.
I whisper these words before sleep overtakes me:
"Aishiteru, Minako."
Back to Sailor Moon Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction