Chapter Three - The Compromise "Illusion never changed Into something real I'm wide awake And I can see The perfect sky is torn You're a little late I'm already torn." -Natalie Imbruglia, "Torn" Around this point I wasn't sure if I was awake or still dreaming. I'd just been so used to the way things were, the idea that they weren't that way anymore just seemed to unreal to believe. But then I started thinking...maybe I wasn't dreaming now. Maybe I'd been dreaming before. Maybe everything, my whole life, had been a dream, and now I was seeing things awake for the first time. ----- It was a compromise. Michiru's father was an old-fashioned man from an old-fashioned home. Her mother was a modern woman, already living in the future. They had naturally disagreed on the funeral proceedings. After a while, they finally reached a compromise between Shinto and Western practice. It had been two weeks since Michiru's death, and it had taken that long just to get her family to stop sobbing uncontrollably every time the Senshi talked to them. Setsuna had been stuck with the unenviable job of delivering the bad news, since Haruka had vanished. None of them had seen her once in the past two weeks. They had told the Kaioh family the truth...or as much of it as they could safely tell. Michiru's heart crystal had been stolen during a fight between the Sailor Senshi and Witches 5, they said. She was dead before there was anything they could have done. Of the rest of the Senshi, Michiru's parents knew only Haruka and Setsuna. They knew the three of them lived together, and that she and Haruka had been lovers (the idea, somewhat strangely, had been less appealing to Michiru's mother than her father). But that they were Sailor Senshi, or that they had been in a power struggle with the Inner Senshi...that, they had not known. And no one was keen on telling them, either. There were two other sisters in the Kaioh family, one older than Michiru and one younger. The older sister had the same sea-green hair color, while the younger, like her parents, had dark brown or black hair. All of them were meeting the Inners for the first time, here, at Michiru's funeral. The funeral was being held at Hikawa Shrine. The services were offered free of charge, since the deceased was an acquaintance of the temple maiden. ----- "And now, in accordance with the family's wishes, we will commence the eulogy," said Rei, standing at the head of the shrine, facing the crowd. She pushed the stop button on her stereo, which had been playing a recording of one of Michiru's concerts (provided by Setsuna). Rei, Grandpa and Yuuichiro were dressed in their traditional Shinto robes. They were the only ones not wearing black. Michiru's father walked to where Rei stood. He cleared his throat and tried to speak, but only made a high-pitched squawk. He rubbed his eyes and tried again. This time they could hear him. "I would like to speak on behalf of my family," he murmured. He coughed again and spoke louder. "My wife and I come from very different homes, with very different upbringing. We have our own particular strengths, and our own particular weaknesses. Before our children were born, it was both of our wishes that they would inherit the best of both of us, and none of the worst. For sixteen years, I have been proud to say that Michiru granted our wish more than we ever could have hoped." He gestured to the walls of the shrine, which had been adorned with many of Michiru's paintings, and to a box his youngest daughter held, which contained Michiru's violin. "We were overjoyed that she had taken to my hobby of painting, and shared her mother's affinity for music. And like both of us, she loved the sea. We were proud she was able to attend an exclusive school like Mugen Gakuen. And while I'm happy to say that we never took these things for granted, we never imagined that someday they would be all we had left of her. "There is an old saying I once heard: 'The greatest tragedy is when a parent outlives his child.' And while I never doubted the truth to this saying, I never imagined I would someday be living it. "I know that a lot of people who lose a child dwell on what that child could have been, could have done with their life. In my heart, I have no doubt that Michiru could someday have been the best in the world at anything and everything she really loved, I just can't dwell on that. I loved her too much-and I still do-to dismiss the things she *did* do in her short time here. In just sixteen years, Michiru lived longer, lived greater, and lived happier than some who live to be a hundred. Not just in her art, her music, her schoolwork, or any of what we have left of her, but in all that she takes with her to the next life. In all that she was, there are no words to express the pride and the love that all of us had for her. And we will all carry that love and pride with us until the day we join her in what lies beyond." Michiru's father had been fighting back tears during the entire speech, trying to say what he had to say before he started crying and couldn't stop. But now that he had said it, he couldn't hold back any more. "I love you, Michi!" he choked out between sobs. "I'll always love you!" It was several minutes before he calmed down enough for Rei to lead him back to his seat, where he embraced his wife and his daughters as hard as he could. After what seemed like an appropriate period of silence, Setsuna stood and made her way to the front. Setsuna looked down at her feet as she spoke. Her already deep voice was even lower than usual. "I like to think of myself as someone who has seen it all and can't be surprised," she said. "But every now and then, someone or something will come along and make me feel like I don't know anything at all. Kaioh Michiru was one of them. "I was amazed to see someone who could put everything else before herself the way Michiru could. To me it always seemed like she could lose herself in anything, if she cared about it enough...and she cared about a lot of things. A lot of *people*," she added with a disturbing inflection. "That always made me wonder if she knew how exceptional a person she really was. Sometimes it seemed as if she was trying to get away from herself, how she could put everything else first, even when that was dangerous." Setsuna looked over her shoulder at the giant mural Michiru had painted, depicting the end of the world. Haruka had seen it at an art exhibition one of the first times they had ever seen each other. "And sometimes I wondered if she was ever really happy with herself. I am not a psychologist. I am not a counselor. I'm not even a romantic person. But I do know about time. Some say it heals all wounds. But I know enough to know that this simply isn't true. Some wounds are too deep even for time to heal, and the loss of Kaioh Michiru is one of them." She looked at Rei, and around the shrine. "I'm not a religious person, either, but it is my prayer that if my impressions were correct, that in death Michiru shall find the love for herself that everyone around her had in life. Thank you." Setsuna began walking, but did not return to her seat. She passed down the aisle and continued on through the door. No one stopped her. As she left, she could hear Usagi begin to speak on Michiru's behalf. In typical Usagi fashion, she was bawling. "I can't say I knew Michiru as well as you guys," Usagi choked, "but I still feel like..." The moon princess' words grew too distant for Setsuna to hear. As she stepped outside, she could see a single, tall figure standing under a sakura tree off in the distance. A motorcycle was parked against the tree. ----- Haruka sighed with the wind as it blew through her hair and ruffled her shirt. She wanted to be in there. Not in there with them, just in there. She owed too much to Michiru's memory not to be. But no. This was a gathering at which she just could not attend, an Eden from which she had been cast out. She couldn't show her face around the others. And she couldn't face Michiru's family, either, to tell them how she had been too weak to save their daughter and sister. Michiru's father had practically threatened her if she ever hurt his daughter, and she had been powerless to keep her from dying. And Michiru's mother hadn't been at all in favor of the idea of her daughter being in love with another woman. That had taken her a long time to get used to. Still, she wondered why they even bothered. How they found it in their hearts to honor their self-declared enemy in their own house of worship was beyond Haruka. But maybe it was fitting, in a way. In those last moments when the two of them had been hanging somewhere between life and death, Michiru had seemed to have made peace with her history. So...shouldn't *she* do the same? A part of Haruka's mind wondered. Her enemies and friends-turned-enemies were all able to let Michiru go; they were in the shrine doing that right now. She was the only one living in the past, unwilling to let go of a broken dream and open her eyes. Wouldn't Michiru have wanted her not to dwell on this? Wouldn't Michiru have wanted her to be happy? She plucked a sakura blossom from the tree she stood beneath. She stared blankly at it for a few seconds, then crushed it in her hand. The rest of the blossoms had ignored her, or they had grieved in the amount of time it took her to turn her head. Tenoh Haruka giveth, and Tenoh Haruka taketh away. No sweat off their backs. But this wasn't a flower she was talking about. It was the woman she loved. And there was more at stake here than some damn tree. "Who gives a fuck what you think anyway?!" she cursed at the tree, lashing out and throwing the shredded flower at it. Seething, fists clenched, eyes scrunched up in rage, she pushed the thoughts of forgiveness out of her head. Yes, Michiru would have wanted her to be happy, but what would make her happy was vengeance. What would make her happy was teaching everyone who deserved it exactly what she was going through right now. Only then could she put it all behind her. Sailor Uranus, Neptune, and Michiru. Only then could she wake up. Off in the distance, someone walked out of the shrine. She could tell by the waist-length, swamp water-colored hair that it was Setsuna. The two of them stood like that, motionless, watching each other, for a long time. After a while, Setsuna turned and walked back into the shrine. ----- The rest of the funeral proceeded in Shinto tradition. The gifts of the koden were given to Michiru's family, and the givers wrote their names in a book so they could later receive the kodengaeshi. The procession moved, one by one, into the room where Michiru lay in her coffin. The great wooden box was inlaid with brass and upholstered with serene white cushion. The pale body of the Senshi of the Sea slept there, unmoving. The mourners placed a sakaki branch on the altar where the coffin lay. Each said his or her own prayer, and moved on. Usagi was the last to pray. But when she was done, she remained there, in front of the coffin. For the moment, she had stopped crying. She was still there when Rei walked in to clean things up for the funeral pyre. "Usagi...how long have you been standing there?" Rei asked. "Huh? What?" Usagi stuttered. "Oh, it's you, Rei-chan...I don't know. It's just, well, I don't know." Rei sighed. At times like this she grew impatient and would usually snap at Usagi, but she would not disrespect Michiru's memory by allowing anger into her place of rest. "What don't you know?" she said eventually. "Look at her face," Usagi said. "It's almost like she's happy." "I don't think she's anything right now." "She might be! Maybe she can hear us? Hey, can you hear *her*?" An ugly grimace spread across Rei's face. She knew Usagi was asking if her empathic talents were picking up anything. They were: a world-class dumb question. "*No*, Usagi. Now move it, I have to clean this up before we light the funeral pyre. And you're about to miss the kuyo." That got Usagi's attention. She ran off to the next room while Rei straightened things up. After a minute or two, Rei looked around to make sure no one was watching, and stood in front of the coffin again. She peered over the edge at Michiru's lifeless face, and concentrated as hard as she could. But...no. There was nothing there. No thoughts, no feelings, nothing. Not even a memory. Michiru was really gone. And Rei could only stand there and wonder why. The Outers had always said the holders of the pure heart crystals had to be sacrificed, but Haruka had lived. Why hadn't Michiru? It didn't make any sense. "Poor Michiru-san," she said, going back to her sweeping. Then, as an afterthought, she added, "Poor Haruka-san." ----- The otsuya, or the wake, saw Michiru's teary-eyed family standing next to the eternally stone-faced Setsuna. The two most able-bodied males in attendance happened to be Mamoru and Yuuichiro, and they were in the process of closing the coffin's lid and lifting it onto the funeral pyre. "Where..." Michiru's father began, and had to try again. Setsuna then realized he was talking to her. "Where is that girlfriend of my daughter's? Haruda? Hikari?" "Haruka," Setsuna filled in. "That's it. Where is she? I haven't seen her here anywhere the whole time." Setsuna sighed, thinking about how to answer this. Grandpa Hino began reading off some final words of prayer. "Haruka...well, she didn't take Michiru's death very well," Setsuna explained. "She's disappeared. We haven't seen her since it happened." Michiru's father contorted his face as if this was something he'd been afraid of for a long time. "And where...where was she when Michiru... when it happened?" "She was with her. She tried to fight off the enemy, but they defeated her and stole her heart crystal as well. The Sailor Senshi barely arrived in time to save her. Michiru...was already gone by then." Michiru's father nodded. He had the look of a man whose next door neighbor had won the lottery. Grandpa finished speaking, and closed the giant, old book he had been reading from. He looked at Rei, who passed him a torch. Holding the torch in front of him, he walked to where the coffin lay on a bed of coals. The torch was lowered, and the coals were ignited. As the coffin began to burn, Grandpa began praying again. Rei and Yuuichiro joined him. The flickering light of the flame bathed the mourners, a last reminder that Michiru was really gone. The smoke rose in a column and escaped through a hole in the roof. Rei watched the pyre burn with detached interest. It was so much like her sacred flame, and so different. One was life, and the other was death. In this one element, her element, was this balance of mortality. But that was the essence of Shinto. <It's hot.> The priestess' head jerked around. She thought she had heard someone say, "It's hot," but the voice had seemed to come from everywhere at once. She looked around, and saw that no one else was doing the same. They hadn't heard it. Rei shook her head and put the voice out of her mind. The fire was really growing now, beginning to envelop the ends of the coffin. But then the voice returned. <It's really hot. I don't like it.> This time there was no doubt the voice was real. But she was obviously hearing it only in her mind, or everyone else would have been able to hear it. Wait a minute... <It's hot! It's hot! Get it away from me! Get it off me!> The voice was panicking now. The fire had almost completely swallowed the coffin. Was this what Usagi had been asking about? Could there still be some part of Michiru that was still alive? No, the voice didn't sound anything like hers. It was too high, too immature-sounding to be Michiru. But what other explanation was there? Another person inside the coffin? <It's on me! Get it away! It hurts! It HUUUURRRRRTS!!!> Rei almost expected someone to start banging on the coffin from the inside, but the only sound was the cracking of the burning wood. It was all burning now. And as the voice screamed, Rei felt herself consumed by its pain. From out of nowhere, she felt like she was on fire too. "Aaaahhh!" she cried, and fell over on her side. Everyone turned their eyes to the priestess writhing in pain. <It hurts! It hurts! HELP ME!!!> "It hurts! It hurts! HELP ME!!!" Rei was unaware she had mimicked the voice, or that Yuuichiro had bent over her and was trying to shake some sense into her. "Rei! Wake up, Rei! What's wrong?!" Yuuichiro cried. A soft creak was heard, and the coffin collapsed upon itself. The voice in Rei's head uttered a last, dying scream, and she did the same. Every single person gathered in the room was now standing over her, pelting her and each other with questions. "What's wrong with her?!" "Is she OK?!" "The hell's going on?!" As Rei's scream died out, the pain vanished as suddenly as it had come. She found herself in Yuuichiro's arms, and Yuuichiro with panic in his face. "Rei! What happened?" asked Yuuichiro. Usagi wormed her way through the crowd and kneeled down to where they were sitting. "Tell us what happened, Rei-chan!" Rei took a deep breath. "I...I don't know...I heard this voice scream about something being hot, and something hurting, and then I felt this horrible, burning sensation. I don't know what it was." "Do you need a doctor?" asked Ami. "No, I'm fine," Rei said. "There's no damage on me..." In their fixation on Rei, everyone failed to notice that the coffin was almost completely gone now, and the column of smoke was starting to die out. From somewhere outside, the sound of a motorcycle's engine and squealing tires was heard. ----- Whatever the past was, my eyes were open now, and if I had anything to stay about it, they were staying open. End chapter three. ----- Author's notes: I looked up the rituals for a Shinto funeral, and have tried to write them into the story as well as I could. The koden is a gift of money that the mourners give the family of the deceased, and the kodengaeshi is a gift of money that the family gives back to them a few weeks later, usually half as much as they originally received. Sakaki is a type of evergreen camellia. Kuyo is a meal that (in modern times) consists of tea and cakes. It is a solemn affair. As for Michiru's family...I never read the manga and the anime doesn't tell us jack about them. So, my version of them is based on what I considered the best fanfic about them. That would be Lex Tenou's "Kaiou and Tenou Meet Haruka and Michiru." Of course, I did my own thing with them. If you haven't read that, you should. But be warned, it's kind of explicit. http://www.geocities.com/haruka_spork/hm/kaioutenou.html
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