Heart and Soul
We are no longer children, but some things never change. We
aren't in school anymore, though Ami only finished this past spring.
Not many people finish are awarded their PhD after five years in
university, but no one who knows her can be surprised by the
accomplishment. We share our lives between meeting society's demands
and our duties as Senshi. The things we have to do to meet the demands
may change, but we've been balancing our double lives since we were in
junior high.
I still scold Usagi with some regularity, but it's not really her
fault. There are a lot of reasons for my actions, though most of them
are lies. It's true enough that I want the best for and from her. She
means a lot to us. She means a lot to me. Of course that's the
confusing part. She may be the worst student among us, but none of us
know our hearts so well. She might be the only one of us who really
understands how to love and be loved.
I've wondered, once I stopped running from the idea, if I desired
her. Desire is a funny thing. It's something that is part of us from
our very first moments to our very last. No one teaches you to desire.
You desire or you are not truly alive. It's selfish and carnal
except... except sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it isn't but I have no
idea how. It seems against definition. It's just one of those things
to accept, I suppose.
Speaking of acceptance... Yes, I love her. I desire for her in a
way that makes no sense to me. I accept that it's not her fault. I
accept that I have come to terms with this now only because of another
desire that has worked itself into my mind. Now I am able to compare the
two.
I think about this as we stare into the fire. Somehow we know
we'll be given a vision that will change our lives, if not our fate.
This is where we chose to be. Gathered around my element in this holy
shrine, I think I'm the only one that finds it inappropriate. Of course
they aren't considering the element, just the shrine. I won't say
anything. It's alright.
The vision will come. It has come.
I am Sailor Mars, called to the inner circle of the princess to
represent her soul. Sense of self and also sense of her for whom we
fight fills me, yet... I am also Hino Rei, psychic miko. This prayer
circle that we have formed around the fire, my element, threatens to
effect me most profoundly. The fire grants me extra sight and for a
vision given so powerfully no extra is needed.
My mind is trained to pick up wordless impressions from those
around me. I know these women with me so well that their voices
sometimes sound in my mind, speaking the language they created the day
they were born. I don't know their words, but I know how they speak and
can guess the nature of their comments. In such a situation when their
mind vision is so clear, I can see each with such ease. Mind, Strength,
and Heart have invaded and I am only aware that I feel myself slipping
away. My friends gather around me, worry apparent in their faces. The
sane part of my mind notes their concern, even as struggle to remember
exactly who they are. I briefly wonder why these dear people, whoever
they are, look so worried. Then I realize the answer. It is because I
am screaming, clutching my head as I lie in a ball on the floor. I hear
the sound of my own voice and recognize it. I am so relieved that I can
recognize it as mine that I stop screaming and slowly, silently start
putting the pieces back together.
It doesn't take long. I gasp a few times and I can remember and
start to understand. I calm down and find that I seem to be sad. I
shake my head and think that despite the pain, they were all beautiful
visions. It's my fault and I'm not sure whether to be grateful or
sadder still that none of them will blame me.
"Oh Rei, are you alright?" Usagi asks, and I wonder how many times
she asked the same thing before I managed to hear her.
"Ah, fine now, Usagi. I'm sorry to worry you all."
"I'm so sorry, Rei." Minako's voice is filled with sorrow and
concern. My chest is tight with my own guilt and I can't look at her.
"It's not your fault." I can't stand this. I need time. "I'm
fine now, everyone. I just need a little rest. You guys probably want
to spend some time thinking about what you saw anyway." They do want to
think about it. After all, when we unlock that simple image of who we
were meant to be we can finally be at peace with what is expected of us.
They say very little as they leave, each in thought. I watch Minako's
feet retreat the room. I squeeze my eyes shut and whisper again, "It's
not your fault."
It's mine, and I don't know what to do about it.
That was four days ago. I know in my heart we will all be
thinking about the nature of our selves and duty for a long time, maybe
forever. We've been given a great gift, one part of our identity, and
we will be that much more at peace for it. I know this even though I
haven't talked to any of the others since.
I cover my face with my pillow. I have to stop wondering where
one identity ends and where the other begins. I have to accept that I
can't come to terms with things on my own, because we are all part of a
greater will. I have to figure out and accept what this part feels. I
still haven't said it, even to myself. I wonder when I'll lose the
strength to keep fighting it. I wonder how much strength it will take
to stop fighting it.
I would wonder how long it will take for the others to decide that
I've had enough time to myself, except that I know I've already pushed
Usagi's tolerance. She and probably the others will be here before the
end of the day. I'm waiting for them. I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
My waiting is rewarded with a visit by Usagi, Minako, and Ami.
Usagi takes a role as representative and explains the missing presence.
"Makoto had some things to wrap up, but she said she was thinking of
stopping by later on." For some reason I feel like she's not exactly
telling me the truth. I'm not going to push it. I'm not even going to
let myself be intrigued until later.
"That's fine. Come in, everyone. I'll put on some tea." I excuse
myself to the kitchen while they situate themselves in my room. This
should be interesting, but there's also a very good chance that it will
be long. I'm armed with tea when I reenter the room.
Ami does us a favor by getting right into the subject. "It was
quite a vision. Not really what we expected at all." She's not used to
looking to visions for information. It must be frustrating to someone
who depends on literal sources all the time. Still, even for me, this
was not usual, albeit for different reasons.
"It was more like a feeling than anything else." Usagi is looking
at the ceiling rather than at either of us as she shares this. "I've
never felt so complete. Coming out of it, I felt a little
insignificant, but somehow I still felt like it could all be ok." We all
know how she feels. Despite the powers of being Senshi, we're still
just humans. What we will be is simultaneously intimidating and
comforting. It must be multiplied ten fold for her.
"Ah..." Minako is trying to say something. Her stutter makes me
realize how nervous and anxious she is. When she collects her thoughts,
they all come out in a rush. "It's just, I don't know how that vision
told me any of the things it did. I see myself and suddenly know I'm
responsible for representing the heart of Serenity. And... there are
things I have to do, for myself, and for other people, but I only have
part of the picture. It's not so much that I don't know how to do what
I have to, but I don't know how I can act until... I just don't know."
She's shaking. She's really terrified. I got a glimpse of her vision,
but I don't understand how something from it could shake her up like
this. I must have seen less than I thought.
"Rei, you're shaking. What's wrong?" I think I must have misheard
Ami, except as I'm about to deny it, I realize that I really am shaking.
I force my heart rate down and my hands to be still.
"It's nothing. I'm fine, really," I answer, but they look
unconvinced.
I put on a smile and start preparing for a more convincing
performance when Usagi starts coughing. Her fit lasts for most of a
minute before she gets the hacking under control. She takes another
minute just breathing and says, "I'm sorry. There is something that
needs to be done. I don't think I can help." She looks at me with
sadness in her eyes that I didn't think was possible. She's turning
into our queen and goddess before my eyes. She needs something from me.
Does she know what it is? Do I? She stands up, looking both more
elegant and weaker than she should. She says a quiet goodbye and leaves
while I wish my voice was working well enough to ask the questions I
keep asking myself.
I do manage to get my vocal chords working in time to address Ami.
"Take care of her for me, Ami." For me? Ugh, what a slip. Ami just
nods and goes to follow Usagi. I'm sure she heard it; she's just not
going to react. That probably means she knows or at least has some kind
of theory. I wish I could be shocked about that. A couple years ago
I'm sure I would have been.
Minako has stood, but she isn't leaving. "I'm sorry you had to
find something that spooked you. Is there anything I can do to help?" I
want to help her. I really want to make her feel better. I can admit
that I'm frightened though.
"Rei, how should I say this?" I have no idea how she should say
it. I'm probably a small stretch of will power away from telling her
that she shouldn't say whatever it is. "We know that you saw what we
saw, and that's what hurt you. I just wondered... well, I wondered how
much of mine you..."
Ah, a fair question, since we were talking about revelations of a
very personal nature. "I saw you as Venus, representative of Serenity's
heart. I can't say that much else made any kind of sense. You were so
happy. It made you radiant, Minako." These are very strange things to
tell one of your best friends. It's a very good thing that so many
strange things have happened to us over the years or we might not have
the tolerance for confusion that we need. I think she needs to hear it.
Something's got her so scared I have to tell her that whatever else
she's been shown, it gives the potential for so much joy. She smiles,
more slowly than usually, but the end result is as stunning as ever.
"Thank you. It'll be worth it. I know it will. We really can be
happy; I know it." I stiffen just a bit in shock as she impetuously
hugs me. She holds me long enough for me to relax and then for just a
moment she gives another smile, still stunning but somewhat mischievous.
It fades to a solemn expression before she waves, content to leave me
with my thoughts again.
My thoughts aren't something I particularly want to be left with
just now. I was getting along with them better before people came and
stirred them up. Fragile Moon Goddesses could fray my nerves well
enough on their own. Alright mind, I know you're going to make me think
it formally now. Guardians of Love and Beauty crying and throwing their
arms around me don't quite put me at peace. Desire is a funny thing,
but at least this new one that had grown in me let me admit what I did
and did not feel for Usagi. I'm not keen on the idea, but I may as well
let this new found knowledge make me admit what I do and do not feel for
Minako. I do not feel platonic. While I'm at it, I might as well stop
myself from forming pathetic delusions and admit that the guardian of
love and beauty probably had no problem identifying the doofy look on my
face after she hugged as exactly what it was. What did that last
expression of hers mean, though? It was so serious, like she'd just
heard it was going to rain on her picnic. Maybe she realized the
messier side of my regard. I guess the fun of teasing me would be
tempered if she remembers to be disgusted.
There's no use worrying about it. We've got a very long time to
work things out. I'll master myself before the end. Until then we have
to go on. The world, and more, is counting on us.
Makoto has come to check on me. Now that she is here I let myself
wonder why she didn't come with the others. Usagi had been covering
something up, and not too carefully. I am about to ask but she starts
talking before me.
"It might not have made any difference, but in light of what
happened, it seemed safer not to have us all around at once. I could
tell Minako was really upset and it wouldn't have made much sense for
Usagi not to be there. Ami's insight could turn out to be invaluable.
I decided I could wait to find out how you were. I thought you'd
understand. Still, I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't care or
something."
I smile. It was something really simple after all. They were
worried, about my health and about offending me. "It's fine. You
didn't miss anything too enlightening. Thanks for worrying about me. I
mean it."
I know she's feeling relieved when she sits on the floor, leaning
her weight on her hands and letting her legs lay straight in front of
her. I join her, sitting a little more traditionally. I know she's got
something else to say and I'm glad she's going to be comfortable saying
it.
She's got a far away look in her eyes as she starts. "It's a lot
to think about. You know, while the others were here, I actually found
myself looking over a picture of the solar system. It was one of those
charts where the planets were all in a convenient horizontal line that'd
never really work out in real life." Of course I remember the kind of
chart she's talking about. Probably a size comparison or something.
"Then I got out another picture that had an overview of them in their
actual orbits and put it next to the first one. I don't really know
why, but I guess I was looking for some random inspiration. Maybe I was
looking for an excuse for random inspiration." She smiled and her eyes
lit up. "I guess this way I have something to blame it on."
I laugh just a little while she keeps smiling before she starts
talking again. "I guess one of the first things that struck me was how
far from Earth and its moon Jupiter is. I'm supposed to be her
strength, but I'm nowhere near her. The ones she has close to her are
Venus and Mars. You to the right, Minako to the left." She pauses,
having some small trouble gearing up for what is probably the big
statement. Makoto isn't the best talker among us, but she has thought
this through and I try to give the supportive appearance of someone who
is both patient and eager for what she has to say. I'm not exactly sure
what that looks like, but if force of will alone can make it happen I've
at least got to have some approximation of it now. I think she's
comforted by my attempts, or at least she's not going to laugh at me
before she goes on. "She needs us all, but she really needs the two of
you. I don't think she can do what's expected of her if heart and soul
aren't aligned. Aligned might not be what I mean, but maybe you know
what it is I mean anyway."
"I think I've got an idea." I shake my head. "You're right, it's
a lot to think about. Thank you for doing some of it for me." I smile
and she laughs this time. I'm so grateful for their friendship. All of
them have been thoughtful. "It's going to be fine. I am, and I know
the rest of you will be too. You're all so strong." I at least half
believe what I'm saying too. Of course phrases like these mark the
death of a visit, but it's a good death and will be reborn soon enough.
Makoto makes her way back home and I know we're both in higher spirits
than we were before.
"Rei, please come quickly. I don't know what to do!" Minako is
calling from Usagi's. Apparently her weak spell hadn't been so much of
a fit as the beginning of fell fledged physical breakdown. I think I
answer, and I might have hung the phone up properly. I know exactly
where I'm going.
Down the steps, the streets, past all the familiar landmarks. I'm
ticking them off a mental checklist knowing I'm that much closer to her.
Do I run because it is Usagi that is ill or because Minako asked me?
Yes. Stop. Knock. Enter. More things off that checklist.
All of that is forgotten as I kneel beside her bed. She is so
pale. Her eyes look up at me and though they are still bright with
whatever it is that makes them shine, but they are beginning to cloud.
"Rei... I didn't expect it to happen so fast. I'm sorry for that."
What is she talking about? Alright, I guess it's obvious she knew
this was going to happen. This isn't the first time she's apologized.
'I'm sorry. There is something that needs to be done. I don't think I
can help.' Those words flash through my head. There is something that
she needs for me to do. "What is it? What can I do? What is it that I
*have* to do?" As quietly as I say it, I still sound half hysterical
even to myself.
Minako's hand is on my shoulder. She must have come up behind me.
She leans over me to grasp one of Usagi's hand with her free one. I
have just enough presence of mind to wonder if she's trying to torment
me. "Don't worry. I think I understand now." Oh good, I'm the only
one who doesn't. It's a strangely comforting and frustrating feeling.
Minako helps me off the floor. "Let's go outside for a bit.
Usagi can get some sleep while we're out." If this meant I was going to
get an explanation I was all for it. All for it except the little part
that wanted to whine like a child demanding to stay at Usagi's side the
whole time.
We walk outside and Minako turns to me. This is her cue to tell
me what it is she's got figured out. "You know how you can think you
know what's in someone's head, but then you wait a little and they do
something that makes you think you must have been wrong?"
Err. Fortunately I've managed not to share this insight. I also
manage to hold back 'I'm sure this is leading somewhere...' Instead I
say, "I guess Usagi's always doing that to us. We know the kind of
things she thinks as our airheaded friend and I know I'm almost never
quite ready when she goes all Moon Princess on us."
"Heh heh, Usagi does it too. She can be almost as infuriating as
you."
Me? I'm pretty sure I don't have a spare, mystical personality
that I pull out of the closet for special occasions. What you see is
what you get. What I say is what I mean... pretty much. "What are you
talking about?"
Minako sighs like *I'm* the one who's said something
disappointing. "She knows how you feel, you know. You're a part of her
and she of you. She wouldn't know otherwise since you'd never do
anything so close to asking. You never want to depend on someone or to
owe anyone. You're such a strong and independent person, can't you see
that keeping every desire to yourself isn't strength?"
I'm stunned. I want to be angry. I'm sure I can work myself up
to it, but I'm trying not to because I don't want to be angry at her.
"It doesn't matter how I felt about her." I only half believe I'm
saying this out loud. I might as well go on and plead temporary
insanity later. "It's not like anything would have changed if I'd said
something. She is destined to love Endymion forever. She will.
Nothing would have changed except we'd have had some really awkward
times before we were able to blow it off and pretend it hadn't
happened." Hopefully this conversation will fare so well as to be
forgotten. I feel my hands clenching and unclenching at my side. We
need to get off this train of thought and fast. "Look, don't worry
about me. I've worked out what's really going on there and it's not
really like it seemed. It's all fine, so let's just get to whatever it
is we have to be doing to help her."
"No."
"No?" No?! Why is she pushing this?
"We can't do anything for her until we clear some things up. We
won't be able to while these things are left unresolved." Her face turns
pleading. "You've got to trust me."
You want me to bare my soul? "I do trust you. What do I have to
tell you to prove it?" This is going to go badly. She's going to ask
and now I have to tell her. Gods, I hope this humiliation really does
have some purpose.
She straightens her shoulders and does all those 'determined' type
motions. Here it comes. "It's a good thing I don't have half the
pride you do." She's walked up to me, so close she's defining 'in your
face'.
I am apparently the kind of person who never lets people know what
I want. I don't depend on them. I don't owe them if I can help it.
Well, it sounds about right, about like things should be. I guess I'll
have to show her my way is best. "If you really want to know..." If
she really wants to know exactly what it is that I want...
I know I have to be fast, before one of us regains their sanity.
In a breath I have my hands grasping her waist and my lips locked to
hers. My eyes are clamped shut and will stay that way for another
second yet until I have the courage to see what type of shock is waiting
in her eyes.
I open my eyes slowly, experimentally, to look at her. I feel my
heart drop from my throat to my stomach. She's crying. I vaguely
recall wanting to shock her and maybe being angry in some world that
existed before I'd made an ass of myself and before I'd experienced a
handful of seconds that might be the best of my life so far. I never
wanted to hurt her. I'd give it back if I could. "I'm so sorry."
She's laughing at me. I'm fairly certain this is the person that
said that I was hard to understand. I think I'm going to go mad soon.
I would run somewhere, but she's grabbed hold of my wrist. I knew I
couldn't be too hard to understand. She seems to be gathering her
thoughts, I notice, while I decide whether or not to break from her
grip.
She's giving me another one of those smiles that will make her
famous the day a talent scout sees it. "People are almost always
talking about love when they say 'heart and soul'. I'm so glad, so
relieved that you've finally given me a chance to accept you.
"I've never been sure whether time was working for or against us.
When that new part of our destiny was revealed, it was so pressing and
urgent. I was so upset and I kept wishing for more time. But Rei, I
don't want more time wondering and hoping, worrying and wishing. I'd
rather have more time with you." I couldn't agree more. Minako saves
me the trouble of answering by giving me another kiss. "Come on, let's
see how she's doing."
There are fireworks going off in my head which is distracting to
say the least. Somehow I still know that Minako is leading me up to
check on Usagi. The worry I have for her is nearly lost in hopefulness
and joy, but it is still there and pressing. By the time we're up the
stairs I am nearly overwhelmed by the feeling that everything needs to
be right, that everything important should be right, at least for now.
Anxiety and everything else turns to relief as I see her standing
inside her bedroom door to greet us. She looks so happy and I know that
Minako's face and my own echo her emotion. In a moment of smiles and
tears Usagi is able to perfectly express the situation. "I am whole."
We are whole.
I have my doubts that any future missions will be resolved quite
so pleasantly. For now we have done what was needed of us. Usagi will
be fine. Heart and Soul have come together and saved ourselves as well.
END
Notes: Cheers to dooky, yuri enthusiast and superb proofreader. Cheers
to the shoujo ai community in general. It's a great place to be on your
off hours (or your on if you're lucky enough to get away with it)
Back to Sailor Moon Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction