(Usagi, Twin’s Bedroom)
It was late at night when Usagi finally returned to her room. She stopped in front of the door and looked at the crack beneath it to see that no lights were on. Was Hotaru already inside? A little nervous, she turned the door-knob and slipped inside.
The first thing her gaze fell to was the bed on the far side of the room. It was empty. Her gaze wandered then towards the terrace, and there she found her sister.
Hotaru... Not again...
Hotaru was standing on the balcony, staring out at who knew what. How long had she been standing there this time?
“Hotaru.” Usagi called out to her. It took a second for the woman to realize that she was being addressed.
“Good evening, Usagi. I see that you’ve finally returned.” There was a strange tone in Hotaru’s voice as she said this. Also, it may have been the lighting but her sibling didn’t look very well. There were dark shadows starting to form under her eyes and she was very pale-- far more than usual. It looked as if she hadn’t slept for days.
She looks so pale...
“You’re going to take Luna’s re-test tomorrow morning, aren’t you? I would recommend getting some sleep if I were you. She likes to administer her tests early.”
“But what about you...?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m not really that tired at the moment, so you go on ahead.”
Usagi had almost obeyed her request until she remembered her earlier talk in the library with Rei.
“If you don’t talk to her, then none of you will be able to move forward.”
That’s right. There’s clearly something bothering her, and... As her sister, I should let her know that I’m there for her.
“Hey, Hotaru...?” She walked onto the balcony and saw her turn her head, looking startled.
“Usagi?”
Usagi reached forward and clasped her hands in hers. She noted how Hotaru went tense.
“Can I... talk to you about something? There’s been something on my mind lately, and... I was really hoping we could talk about it.”
“Well...I don’t mind, but what about your test?”
“I’ll be quick. I promise.”
Hotaru finally nodded back. “...All right. So, what did you want to talk about?”
“Well, how can I put it? It’s not so much about what’s on my mind...as it is yours.”
“What?”
“These last few days...maybe it’s just me, but it feels like you’ve been trying to distance yourself from me. And it’s really starting to worry me. I’m worried about you. So, if something’s been bothering you, you would talk about it with me, right...?” She watched Hotaru glance away. “I’m right...aren’t I? There is something bothering you...”
A pained look crossed Hotaru’s face.
“...It’s just... I don’t understand.”
Usagi felt Hotaru pull away from her, but she didn’t dare move. Hotaru suddenly looked very fragile and delicate, it was if she was about to break down into tears any second. In truth, it scared Usagi because Hotaru had always been the stronger of the two.
“What don’t you understand?” Usagi managed to whisper.
“...Is this... really real?” In the shadows of a moonless night, she felt a piece of herself drawn closer to the darkness she secretly harboured within herself. She had stood there at this one spot for many nights, wondering and worrying herself endlessly if she was living an illusion. “All of these years, I was neither dead nor alive. My consciousness persisted, but I didn’t have a physical body. It was...difficult. Even though I didn’t have a body, I still dreamed. Do you know what I saw...? All of the people that I killed that day, the people, that I was born to protect...I kept hearing their screams and cries for help, over and over again. And even now, I still hear them...”
Usagi felt a shiver run down her spine as those dark-eyes fell on her.
“You can’t hear their voices, can you?” She gestured towards the glowing city. Hotaru was trembling. “They’re still there...Some of them are still crying for help, but many more of them are angry.”
“Hotaru...”
Hotaru gulped. “Every night their voices seem to become louder. I’m...so scared! I know I don’t have the right to be happy, but...” She remembered spending time with the others over the past few days.
The beating heart that she felt within her chest attempted ease the nervousness that she felt, but even in dreams this warmth, she knew, could be disguised.
“It’s…Too perfect.” Hotaru whispered. She once again had the blonde’s undivided attention. “Don’t you understand? You know what I did... You know! But you just sit there and act like nothing has happened! ‘Glad to be home?’, ‘If you’re tired, you can go back to your room and rest’... Are you trying to make fun of me?!” She bit back a bitter chuckle; her body was torn between crying and laughing. “Why would my sister... the only family that I have left, hug me and want me back after everything I’ve done? Forgiveness isn’t that easy. It just isn’t. Setsuna wouldn’t have come looking for me either, if that didn’t happ--… heh…”
Hotaru hugged herself tightly, and felt her sanity threatening to slip away. “If you want revenge, then just get it over with.”
Stop playing with me. Chain me up, lock me away, or kill me again if need be. But not this… anything but this…
“...I’m a monster.”
Slap!
“Ah…” What? Hotaru gingerly touched the reddening mark on her face.
“Stop it. Stop this right now!” Usagi pleaded. Before Hotaru could protest, she was stunned into silence at what she saw. Her sister was standing there with her head down, body trembling and her fists shaking at her sides. She was furious; Hotaru had never witnessed Usagi like this before.
“Usagi…?” She dared to utter her name. It went largely unnoticed by her twin.
“What makes you think that I’m not hurt? What makes you think that none of us are hurting too?! Yes, I know what you did. I saw it all-- I was there! And this entire time, I’ve been asleep!” Her voice dipped to a low whisper. “…But what about you Hotaru? You’ve been awake this entire time, forced to linger with this guilt and pain. Isn’t that enough? Haven’t you...already suffered enough?”
“Usagi, I--” She was cut off by a sudden embrace.
“Maybe I did resent you a little at first when I woke up…” The whispery words touched Hotaru’s ear. This is the scorn that she had been waiting for all of these years and she now braced herself for it. Usagi felt Hotaru’s body stiffen.
“You disappeared, and took my world away… only to suddenly reappear to take our world away. You turned the sky dark, and painted the streets red. You ‘silenced’ those who cried for help, those that we swore to someday protect. And you even killed the one who gave birth to us.”
…Mother…
“But… It isn’t your fault.”
Hotaru stared incredulously at her twin while the blonde woman pulled back slightly from the embrace. There were no tears in her blue eyes, only raw emotion—all which were absent of resentment or hatred; they were anything but what Hotaru had expected.
“But I--”
Usagi touched a finger to her lips and shook her head.
“It’s not your fault.” She repeated slowly. “This isn’t a dream Hotaru. I’m right here... I know we can’t bring the dead back to life, but… I’ve come to realize... that rather than having you disappear again, I would rather have my sister back. So... please don’t go away, please don’t ever leave me alone again.”
Hotaru let out a breath that she never knew she had been holding. It felt like a great burden was lifted from upon her shoulders-- her heart had never been lighter since the ill-fated night all of those centuries ago. While a part of her wanted to push Usagi away and accuse it all of being a trick of her mind, another piece of her spoke out; her sister hadn’t merely brushed away the past as if it were nothing. Hotaru’s actions had been acknowledged, tried, and, for now, forgiven.
I want to believe in this more than anything…
“Shall we?” Usagi reached her hand out to her sister. “It’s a little cold outside, don’t you agree? Why don’t we go back inside?”
Hotaru hesitated only for a second, but then she shyly took her hand and they both went inside together. That night, the two of them shared a bed in peaceful slumber. In her sister’s comforting embrace, the voices outside suddenly didn’t seem so loud.
Outside of the glowing city, Setsuna continued to watch it with a contemplative look.
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