Knowledge of Desire Ami awoke in the middle of the night, suddenly taking in a shuddering breath as fear once again gripped her heart for seemingly no reason. At least this time she didn't scream. She wasn't even aware of what the dream was. It was as if she had just suddenly felt a feeling of intense fear slam into her without warning, hard enough to wake her up, and then it was gone just as quickly. She sat up in bed breathing in and then out, trying to calm her racing heart and the surge of adrenalin she could still feel flowing through her. She lay back down again, staring up at the ceiling. Why couldn't she have pleasant dreams, like ones of her new girlfriend? Ami wasn't ready to give in to some of her urges and desires just yet, but she wished she could be honest with herself, at least in her dreams. She had had dreams about Makoto in the past, but none over the last week or so, since her nights were plagued by nightmares. Ami had felt they would have been rushing things by even sleeping in the same bed together on the first date, so they had changed their plan. The moment Ami had said she wanted to part ways once she got home, Ami had seen quite a bit of regret in her tall companion's eyes. However, since Makoto could see Ami's point, she relented without argument. They had kissed again in front of Ami's apartment door before bidding each other goodnight. As she thought of Makoto, it made her stop thinking about whatever had woken her up. It also made her feel just a little stressed. Part of her was still angry at the woman for not telling her about how she felt sooner, but the more she thought about it, the quicker even those remaining feelings faded. It was safe to say Ami had forgiven the Senshi of Thunder. Most of her misgivings and frustration seamed to have just melted away as the brunette had kissed her for the first time earlier that night. That, however, wasn't what she was stressing about anymore. She reached for the clock on the nightstand and turned it so she could see the time. Midnight. The date had gone wonderfully, but somehow, now that she was back home alone in bed, it suddenly didn't seem enough. "I can't even call her now," she said quietly. The struggle going on within her was maddening. The logical, rational part of her mind was telling her to wait before going any farther. They had really just started dating only a few hours ago, hadn't they? It would be foolish, childish even, to rush into a relationship with anyone this quickly, wouldn't it? Even if it was Makoto, someone she had known for half her life, right? Someone she wanted? 'Shouldn't she have to earn more from you?' Ami thought. The other part of her mind, the part that helped her to write poetry or music, kept telling her to just give in already! 'How much could it hurt just to say, 'I love you' to her at the least? Was there any harm in just spending the night with the woman, maybe even sleep in the same bed? Thats not too much to ask is it? Nothing too major, just say a simple phrase, and cuddle close to her warm body instead of sleeping in the same cold bed. You kissed her, didn't you? That had to mean something to you. Hasn't she earned that much at least?' Then the rational part of her mind would fire back. 'You fool! A kiss is just a kiss! How do you know you're in love anyway? You never have been truly in love before. You have no frame of reference for it. You can't quantify, explain, or categorize it, can you? So how do you know you're in love? You can't tell her that without being able to do those things! It would be lying to her!' As the kaleidoscope of thoughts in her mind and heart continued, she put her hands on her head for a moment and said out loud, "I don't have to decide anything tonight, do I?" She quietly got out of bed, walked to the window, and pulled up the blinds to gaze at the night sky, alone with her thoughts. ---------- Meanwhile, on the other side of the prefecture, a familiar brunette was standing out on her balcony admiring the same night sky. Makoto had spent most of the evening since she had gotten home trying to sleep, and had finally given up hope of reaching that goal. Taking another sip of hot chocolate, she glanced at the lilies her new girlfriend had given her. Next to them was a cordless phone handset she had brought out with her. She knew Ami wouldn't call at this time of night, even if she was awake and wanted to. The sweet little bookworm was too polite for that. But she could dream, couldn't she? As she waited futilely for the phone to ring, Makoto sighed. She didn't know it, but the thoughts she was having at that moment were similar to her new girlfriend's. Not quite, though. Makoto wasn't so worried about how she felt. She was more worried that Ami might actually be right. That Kino Makoto may not know what love truly was. Makoto also had to deal with the added thought that since she was going to be working again in the morning, she was going to pay dearly for staying up this late. "Maybe Ami is right. Maybe I do rush things." Smiling to herself, she added, "She did kiss me back, though. Even still, I know she feels more for me than she is admitting to." Moving her cup in a circular motion and watching the hot chocolate swirl around in it, she said, "I still know I love you, though. I can wait for you to say the same. You don't have to say it, though." Smiling even more as if she knew a secret she wasn't supposed to, she said, "Your eyes give it away." She looked at the phone one more time before downing the rest of her drink, feeling the hot liquid burn its way down her throat as she did so. "Well, Ami, I love you." Picking up the lilies and the phone, she said, almost as if Ami could hear her, "And I know you love me too. For now, that will have to do." Finally feeling sleep beckoning her, she made her way back into her apartment. ---------- Ami and Makoto really hadn't had much of a relationship since work had kept them from meeting more often than both of them would have liked. In some ways, it might as well have been a long distance relationship for the first week. Makoto had been putting in more hours at her restaurant planning for a remodel, and Ami had been kept busy planning the rest of the school year. They did talk online, but it wasn't the same as being together. This week, however, they had both had more time with each other, but still not as much as they would have liked. They had gotten together for lunch Tuesday and again on Thursday. Both encounters had seemed rushed, since with travel time to and from the school, Ami only had about thirty minutes. Come hell or high water, Makoto had decided tonight would be different from their other outings. Tonight would be special. She had lit a few candles on shelves in her living room, adding a nice romantic glow. She had prepared a romantic candlelit dinner for two, and had rearranged the entire living room by moving the couch and coffee table into the kitchen to make more room. The stereo had soft piano music playing, and since the weather was nice tonight, Makoto had opened the glass door leading to the balcony to let in the fresh night air. Makoto felt the breeze that was fluttering the curtains gently, and the soft glow of moonlight from the skylight was a nice touch too. She was dressed fairly casually, wearing a new green short-sleeved shirt and blue jeans. The only thing missing was Ami. Where was she? Then again, the answer to that question should have been obvious. Makoto smiled to herself as she made a few last minute changes to the position of some of the candles. Almost certainly, Minako had stopped Ami to give her a few last-minute pieces of 'romantic advice'. When Makoto had told Minako what she was planning for tonight, the hyper blonde had gone on and on about suggestions for it. Everything from what music to play to what food to serve. Makoto knew her friend was trying to be helpful, but she was going to do this her way. Though, Makoto would never admit it even to herself, the candle idea had come from Minako. As she waited for Ami to appear, she looked at a picture she had moved out to the living room. It was a picture taken during their senior year of high school, just after Ami had started wearing her glasses for more than just reading. The two of them were just talking quietly while enjoying lunch that Makoto had made for them at school. Makoto had never noticed until a few days ago how close the two of them looked in that picture. Ami was sitting on a bench, while Makoto had picked up a pair of chopsticks and was leaning over her from behind. She had picked up a piece of chicken she had made from a then-new recipe that she wanted Ami's opinion on. Ami had opened her mouth like a baby bird when Makoto had offered her the tasty little hunk of meat, and Usagi had just happened to have a camera with her at that exact moment. Even though they didn't look much different physically from then, Makoto couldn't help but remember just how young they had been. That was a little over twelve years ago now. It wasn't the thought of being old that bothered her, but just how much time the two of them had wasted by not being honest with each other. In Makoto's mind, tonight wasn't just about another romantic evening. It was about making up for lost time. She was brought out of her thoughts by a soft knock on the entrance door. "Ami!" Makoto said excitedly. She ran across the room to the door as a huge smile formed on her face, emerald green eyes opened wide, sparkling with happiness. She threw open the door, thrilled to once again see . . . "May I come in? I'll only take a moment of your time," Setsuna said, bowing politely as she stood in the doorway, ignoring Makoto's expression as it quickly went from one of sheer joy to extreme disappointment. Able to see the romantically lit living room from her vantage point, she asked, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not interrupting something, am I?" "You're the guardian of time and destiny. You tell me," Makoto said sarcastically. Then, more politely, she said, "I've been setting up for a date with Ami, but she isn't here yet." As she ushered in her unexpected guest, she said, "Knowing you, you already knew she was late. Can I get you something to drink? Tea?" Setsuna replied, "No, thank you. And I think all of you overestimate my knowledge of current events and the future. I am not omnipotent, after all. The very fact that there is a guardian of time is proof that the future isn't set in stone." As Makoto flipped on the lights, she asked, trying to sound the polite hostess and not like she was impatient to get rid of Setsuna before Ami arrived, "So, what is it you wish to discuss?" When Setsuna spoke she sounded almost as if she wasn't sure how to word what she was thinking. "I just wanted to give you some advice. In every relationship, one person needs to be more . . . assertive than the other." Setsuna stopped for a moment, trying to choose her words carefully. Once she selected what she felt were the proper words, she said, "Go at a speed you are comfortable with in your relationship with Ami, and don't be afraid to give her a little bit of a push if she needs it." Setsuna stopped speaking again as she thought to herself that this was a conversation Minako would be a lot better at having than she was. "If you need to, slow down a bit so she can catch up. But try not to let her stop." The tall brunette smiled, saying "See? You did too know Ami wasn't going to be here when you got here." Then more seriously, she added, "Are you trying to tell me Ami is nervous about the speed of our relationship?" Sounding worried and insecure as she wrung her hands together nervously, she said, "I knew it. I'm moving too fast again, aren't I?" Looking for something other than herself to blame, she said a little angrily, "It's the candles isn't it? I told Minako they were a bit much!" Setsuna held up a hand elegantly, cutting Makoto off before she could say more. "No. That's not what I said." Sighing quietly and pinching her eyebrow in frustration, she finished, "You're not going too fast. Try to think of it as. . . dancing. One of you needs to lead. I'm suggesting that you help Ami realize that . . . she doesn't have to be afraid of her own emotions and desires toward you. She feels just as strongly for you as you do for her. She just needs you to show her that that's . . . all right." Looking directly into Makoto's eyes, she said, almost sounding hurried, "Guide her. Show her that it's all right for her to be in love. And whatever you do, don't let her leave." Makoto closed her eyes and said, not even trying to hide her irritation, "That's easy for you to say." Opening her eyes again she said, "You know, it's easy for you to . . . Setsuna?" She looked around the room with a look of confusion. Setsuna had disappeared. Makoto searched the bedrooms and then the bathroom. Then she walked over to the kitchen and opened the door for a moment, looking around. Nothing. Drumming her fingernails on the door frame, she said, irritated, "That was a new trick from you, you little --" Then she heard a knock on the door again, this one sounding a little more delicate and somehow shyer than Setsuna's. This time, not wanting to get her hopes up, she walked calmly to the door and looked out through the peep hole. Only after she saw her shy girlfriend's familiar blue hair did she allow herself to once again regain the smile she had earlier. Makoto briefly thought about how she could think about the many mysteries of Setsuna later. She rushed back to the light switch, flicked off the lights again, then skipped back to the door and opened it to let Ami in. Ami bowed the second the door opened, without walking in, and started explaining rapidly and nervously, "I'm so sorry I'm late, Mako-chan. Minako just wouldn't stop talking! I . . . " Makoto gently put her hand on Ami's chin, guiding her back to standing straight again. "You don't have to apologize. It gave me a little more time to work on dinner. Besides, I figured Minako was involved." Moving so she could put her hand around Ami's waist, and guiding her in, she said, "Dinner is ready, if you would like to eat." "Yes, that would be . . ." Ami sniffed the air as they walked toward the kitchen, smelling the inviting aroma of Makoto's cooking, causing a small smile to form on her lips. "That would be delightful." While Ami seemed to relax some at that point, she seemed to Makoto to be somewhat more nervous than the previous times they had gotten together since their relationship had begun. She couldn't help but think that there was probably more on her mind than being tardy. As Ami sat down, and Makoto put her plate in front of her, she asked, trying not to sound too concerned, "Is something bothering you, Ami?" "No," Ami said, a little too soon after Makoto asked the question, then she said, "Well . . . Yes. It's not important though." She lifted her chopsticks and took a bite delicately, savoring the flavor of the food for a moment before swallowing. Smiling shyly, she said, "It's good." Makoto rested her head on her hand, regarding Ami for a moment, then replied, "You know you're not going to get away without elaborating on that, right?" She took a bite of her own food and watched Ami quietly with an expression she hoped was one of curiosity. "Well, it's just . . . I'm afraid of moving too fast. I don't want to rush things with us. My mind is telling me to take my time. My heart, and probably a liberal mix of hormones, are telling me we aren't going fast enough." Looking suddenly embarrassed, Ami said quickly, "I mean, I'm not saying we should sleep together tonight or anything like that! It's just . . ." Looking away from Makoto, Ami finished, sounding somehow a little humiliated to admit what she said next. "I'm still a virgin." Sighing, she finished, "I know it shouldn't be, but somehow I find it embarrassing to admit that some of my students have more experience than I do in a relationship. I mean, I'm 29 years old and aside for one relationship in collage that didn't go very far at all, I have little experience with this sort of thing. Dating, I mean. " Placing a strong yet gentle and soft hand on the hand Ami was using to hold her chopsticks, Makoto said, "You don't need to be embarrassed. You are saving yourself for someone special. I admire that." Looking disappointed in herself, Makoto admitted, "I regret giving mine up so early. Without parental guidance I suppose it was inevitable. I hope knowing that doesn't make you uncomfortable." Sighing quietly, Makoto added, "You don't need to be afraid of your feelings, Ami. You'll know when you're ready. When you are, selfish as it sounds, . . . well . . . I hope it's with me." Makoto had thought right after she said that, that the comment would make Ami even more apprehensive. Instead, to her surprise, she could feel the tension in Ami's hand relax just a little more, but it was still there. Makoto looked into Ami's deep blue eyes, and smiled again as an idea came to her. Gently pushing the chopsticks out of Ami's hands, causing them to clatter to the plate, Makoto held Ami's hand and guided her to her feet. "Let me show you what I do to help me relax." Then she guided Ami to the candlelit living room. She had originally rearranged the room so they could dance, but perhaps Makoto's new idea could be every bit as romantic, and possibly more so. She motioned for Ami to stand a few feet from her. "Now, I want you to try to do exactly what I do." Makoto closed her eyes, straightened her six-foot frame perfectly straight, and breathed in deeply for a moment. Then she very slowly held her hands out straight in front of her. She made several elegant motions in a relaxed pattern, moving in a slow spin. About the time she made a motion that was similar to serving a volley ball in slow motion, she heard Ami trying unsuccessfully to suppress a giggle. She stopped moving and glared at Ami, feeling slightly irritated. At least the bookish woman had calmed down. "What? It's better than twisting yourself into a pretzel while doing that damn yoga." Ami explained while laughing, "No, no, no! It's just, I never pictured you doing Tai Chi before. I'm used to seeing you break boards and smash bricks while practicing Karate." Smiling, she added, "It's interesting to watch you move so elegantly, is all." Watching Makoto had reminded Ami of a praying mantis, slow deliberate movements that looked elegant and precise, coming from someone who could rip your head off with a single blow. Beautiful but deadly. Feeling that description, while accurate, would sound harsher than she would have meant it to, Ami instead said, "You reminded me of . . . a tree while doing that. Usually I see you being like the wooden part, strong and defensive. Watching you do Tai Chi however, reminds me of the tree's leaves, gently rustling in the wind, and in the fall, falling elegantly to the ground. I guess it shouldn't surprise me so much since that describes you perfectly. You're tough, yet gentle and kind. Powerful, yet elegant. I didn't mean to laugh, it's just not what I was expecting. I should have, though." Then she said, sounding a little embarrassed, as blood rushed to her cheeks, turning them a light pink color, "I stopped a few motions in when I started to lose my balance. It looks easy, but it's a lot harder to do than you make it appear." The brunette looked up at the ceiling for a moment, then in mock exasperation, asked no one in particular, "She thinks I look like a tree?" Then, Makoto smiled again when she saw Ami's face turn a darker pink. 'She is so cute when she does that,' was her thought to herself as she looked at Ami for a few more seconds. Before the other could stammer out an apology, Makoto said, "Here, I'll help you." As Makoto repositioned herself behind Ami, she whispered, "Close your eyes . . . now, take a deep breath through your nose, then slowly let it out through your mouth." When Makoto heard Ami exhale, she could feel most of the remaining tension leave. She put a hand at the small of her short partner's back, and another on her shoulder, then gently straightened her back just a touch, so she had the correct posture. "Now," Makoto said as she pressed herself against Ami's back, holding both of Ami's hands to her sides gently. She felt Ami tense up again for a second, apparently surprised by the sudden contact all the way down the back of her body. Not a nervous type of tension, though. "I want you to use just enough strength to move with me. The emphasis isn't on strength in Tai Chi, it's on motion and balance." Makoto placed her feet beside Ami's so she could guide them better. It would make things a little difficult on her end, but she felt it would help Ami a bit more this way. "Ready?" Ami nodded slowly as she listened to her instructor finish her explanation. Makoto moved slower than she had the first time, both because of her own modified position, and because she felt it would allow Ami to keep up better. She guided Ami's hands through several gentle, graceful motions, then started guiding her to move in a circle. Makoto felt Ami's spine arch a bit, so she placed a hand on Ami's stomach and another on her shoulder, gently helping her to straighten her spine again. "Keep your back straight. It'll help with your balance." During this, Ami could feel her heart banging against the inside of her ribs. She wondered for a bit if she was nervous, but decided that didn't accurately describe how she felt. The feeling of being this close to someone was an entirely new experience for her. It was even closer than when they had kissed both times two weeks ago. Though it wasn't an unpleasant experience. Truth be told, Ami enjoyed it. She could feel Makoto's chest moving against her own shoulder blades as the other breathed, feel her hands griping hers gently, and her muscles moving as the tall woman gracefully maneuvered her about the room, rather like a puppet. Ami couldn't help but think that Makoto could pull her strings like this any time, any place. For some reason, when Makoto gently moved her hands around Ami's body to reposition her spine, Ami felt that it had suddenly become warm in the room. The blue-haired woman was sure it wasn't from the warm orange glow of the candles though. She let out a breath in what she hoped was a quieter hiss than it sounded to her own ears. Makoto took a moment to sniff Ami's hair, as she guided her girlfriend's hands as if parting a horse's mane. 'Ami would use blueberry scented shampoo, wouldn't she?' was Makoto's amused thought. She moved her left leg forward, causing Ami to do the same, and was suddenly aware of the shorter woman's backside pressing against her. Makoto hadn't noticed before now just how much lower body strength Ami had. 'Probably from all the swimming she does'. Makoto felt Ami's back muscles tense a bit again. Ami, meanwhile, had given a name to the emotion she felt coursing through her body. Desire. She had never felt so lascivious before. She gently bit her lower lip as she felt Makoto's breath on her neck as the other whispered, "Relax, Ami. Just . . . let yourself go." Makoto found her smile grow a bit when Ami suddenly took the lead, repeating almost perfectly several of the motions Makoto had shown her. There were slight variations in them, but nothing to complain about. No doubt about it, Ami was a fast learner. The woman had always had a mind like a steel trap. "There now, you see? You can --" Makoto cut herself off, suddenly realizing the subtle variations were very strategic, and very intentional. Ami repeated the same motions again a few more times, accenting her variations on the movements a bit more, increasingly pressing back against Makoto at certain times and places. Then she started varying the speed of her motions, moving quickly at times and slowly at others. Was Ami actually trying to seduce her? Makoto suddenly felt her head spinning. Suddenly, feeling no need to hide her feelings anymore, Ami spun around, put her arms around Makoto's shoulders, and pulled her down toward her. Ami brushed her lips against hers, then opened her mouth gently pushing her tongue in between the taller woman's lips. When Makoto didn't resist, Ami let her tongue rub against Makoto's for a moment, kissing the brunette as passionately as she could. As Ami tightened her arms around Makoto, Makoto's eyes went wide, surprised by her short partner's sudden lack of inhibitions. Granted, it wasn't the first time they had kissed, but witnessing Ami being so aggressive about it was quite the pleasant shock. Just as suddenly as she had started, Ami pulled her lips away from Makoto's and gently rested her head on the other's shoulder as best she could given the height difference. Despite her mind finally overriding her heart, Ami said, with more than a hint of conflict with herself in her voice, "Dinner is going to get cold." She pulled away from Makoto and headed back to their food, almost acting as if nothing had happened. Makoto touched her own lips with her fingers for a moment, feeling suddenly confused by what had just happened. It definitely couldn't have been something she said this time. Almost inaudibly, she said, "Hold the phone . . . what was that all about?" Once she regained her senses, she closed the distance between them and pulled Ami back against her gently, halting the other in her steps. Holding Ami with a hand around her waist, Makoto ran her free hand through the other's soft blue hair for a moment, letting the two of them be lost in their own thoughts. They stood like that for several minutes. After what seemed like forever, Makoto broke the silence. "Come on, talk to me. What's wrong?" She hadn't noticed Ami was crying until she spoke. Letting a quiet whimper escape her lips before she started speaking, Ami said, "I don't know, Mako-chan. I'm just scared. Afraid of what others will think, afraid of moving too fast, or even too slow. Of being hurt or hurting you somehow. Afraid of my own feelings. I want to move forward, I'm just --" She let the rest of her thoughts die in her throat as Makoto gave her waste a gentle squeeze. Still running her hand through Ami's hair, she said, "Shhhh . . . It's all right to be scared of some of those things, Ami." Feeling the petite woman shake a bit as she tried to control her emotions, Makoto continued. "While I can understand you being afraid of what some people will think, at least you know your friends are happy for you. And you don't need to be afraid of how you feel. How you feel is just you being honest with yourself, nothing more." After letting Makoto's words echo in her skull for a moment, Ami said, starting to pull away from her, "I should go." Makoto pulled her back against herself tightly, but gently, feeling no resistance from Ami. "Not without an explanation, you're not." The romantic candlelight played around them as they stood in silence. Ami pulled away from Makoto again, not roughly, just hard enough to get the other to let go of her. Walking toward the door, she said, "Because you worked so hard to make this a romantic and special evening, and I have absolutely ruined it." Opening the door to leave, she said without turning around, "I'm sorry Makoto. I need to sort out my feelings before you get hurt by --" Ami stopped speaking and moving again, this time in the doorway. Makoto had once again closed the distance between them, this time only restraining Ami by gently placing a hand over the one Ami had on the doorknob. Ami looked up, causing her blue eyes to meet green ones. Those eyes were staring back at her as if silently begging her. "Stay." "No, I'm not going to --" Makoto gripped her hand gently, pulling it off the doorknob. "That's right. You're not going to hurt me. You haven't ruined anything. Even if all we do is go and enjoy our dinner and just go to sleep, tonight will be special to me. As long as you stay." Holding Ami's hand with both of hers, squeezing it gently one last time, she said, "Ami, just stay. However the rest of tonight ends, we won't regret it. But I promise you, you will if you leave. I don't care what happens. Just stay." Putting Ami's hand back on the doorknob and moving her hand away, she stepped back, leaving the decision up to Ami. Ami looked at her hand, then up at Makoto, then down the hallway several times, silently holding whatever conflict she was having in her head as she tried to come to a decision. To Makoto, it seemed to take the intelligent woman forever to come to a resolution. In reality, it was less than half a minute. Her mind made up, she walked back in toward Makoto, kissing her gently on the lips as she closed the door behind her with her foot. The hallway in front of Makoto's apartment remained vacant the rest of the night.
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