Don't Go
Today, I got twelve dozen chrysanthemums when I specifically ordered
carnations, one of my refrigerators went and died on me, and a customer
made me write his card about five dozen times before settling on a
simple "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." Even with all this frustration,
I was still able to fulfill my orders and survive the day without losing
my cool. A bittersweet victory if there ever was one.
I turned the key and opened the door to my apartment, glad that my day
was over. After taking off my trench coat and throwing my keys onto the
coffee table, I went to the kitchen and put a TV dinner into the
microwave. Though I considered myself to be a decent chef, I was so
tired that I could have burned a kettle of water. After the timer went
off, I took out my dinner and sat down on the couch to watch the
late-night news.
After I finished eating and cleaned up, I turned off the TV and headed
to my bathroom to take a shower before I went to bed. A knock on the
door stopped me halfway down the hall. I wondered who would be visiting
me at this time of night. When I opened the door, I got a totally
unexpected and shocking answer.
"Ami? Are you all right?" I asked.
After taking a better look at my long-time friend, I concluded she was
not. A small puddle of water had formed at her feet. Her blue hair was
wet, disheveled and stuck to her scalp. Her normally bright blue eyes
sparkled with tears and a trail of black ran down her cheeks. She clung
tightly to her overcoat as if that was the only thing keeping her safe
and warm.
"I'm so sorry for coming so late at night, Makoto," Ami apologized,
shivering.
All I wanted to do was come home, grab some dinner, and get some sleep.
Yet when I saw my long-time friend standing in the doorway in such a
horrifying state, my heart sank. My date with dreamland had to wait. I
put my arm around her and ushered her inside.
"It's all right, Ami. Sit on the couch and I'll get you some tea. Is
something wrong?"
"Oh, nothing really. I just had a rough day."
"At the hospital?"
"Well, no."
"Did something happen after work?"
"I went on a date."
"With that cute attendee that you've been dating?" I bit my lower lip
in anticipation as I handed Ami a couple of towels and her tea.
"The very same," she replied as she dried her hair and took a sip from
her cup.
"How did it go?"
"He asked me to marry him."
"HE DID!?!"
"Yes. But I turned him down."
Shocked and dismayed, I lashed out. "WHY? You two seemed to be the
perfect couple. Not only that, you two have been going out for the past
three years. How could you let such a great guy slip from your grasp?"
With a face full of fear, tears began to flow from Ami's eyes. "I knew
I shouldn't have come here." She jumped up to leave. As she reached to
open the front door, I grabbed her arm. She yelped in pain. "Let me
go!"
"Wait, Ami." I loosened my grip and gently turned her to face me. I
lowered my head and humbly apologized. "I'm sorry. Today was just a
long, tiring day for me. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. You must
have had your reasons for not wanting to marry him." A flash of
lightning and a roll of thunder turned my attention to the window.
Heavy rain pelted the glass. "Man, it's really coming down."
"Yeah," Ami quietly responded, "and me without an umbrella."
"So I noticed," I said, gently ruffling her slightly damp head of hair,
bringing a small smile to her lips. "Why don't you stay here tonight
and rest? You can sleep on the hideaway bed."
I thought I saw a small tinge of crimson come to Ami's cheeks. She
looked away from me and whispered, "Okay." I led her back to the living
room.
While I was getting her bed ready, I noticed Ami was shivering.
Figuring it was from being out in the storm, I came up with a
suggestion. "Why don't you get a nice warm shower first? I'm sure
you'll feel better after washing the day off of you."
With a small smile, Ami nodded. "I'd feel much, much better if you
joined me."
"What was that, Ami?"
I looked up to see her face turn red. With a wave of her hands, Ami
replied, "Oh, nothing."
I chuckled and said, "I'll get you some dry clothes."
I met up with Ami just outside my bathroom door. "I'm sorry I don't
have much in the way of night clothes, so I brought you one of my
oversized T-shirts and a clean pair of underwear. Hopefully they're not
too big."
"I'm sure they'll be just fine," Ami replied with a chuckle.
"I'll take your wet clothes and put them in the drier before I go to
bed. You know your way around my place, don't you?"
"After the many times I've visited, I'm pretty sure I don't need a map."
We both laughed at her pun. "Thanks again, Makoto."
"Anytime, Ami. Good night."
"Sweet dreams." Ami went into the bathroom and closed the door.
After taking care of Ami's clothes, I got into my bed and stared at the
ceiling. Ami's tear stained face loomed in my eyes like a banshee. No
matter how much I tried, I couldn't stop seeing those eyes that seemed
so full of sadness and longing. I tried to figure out what could have
prompted Ami to not accept her boyfriend's proposal of marriage. Did he
cheat on her? Did he hit her? If so, I would pummel him for what he
had done. Ami was a kind, intelligent, beautiful doctor. She deserved
better treatment than that. She deserved to be loved by someone who
would love her unconditionally, someone who would always be by her side,
someone who would die for her. Someone like me. Just as I was about to
fall asleep, I heard my bedroom door open.
"Ami? What's wrong?"
Ami glided towards my bed. She lifted the nightshirt over her head and
dropped it to the floor. It took me a moment to realize that she wasn't
wearing anything underneath. She lifted up the covers and slid into bed
beside me. Taken aback by Ami's sudden lack of modesty, I clasped the
sheets to hide my own nudity. I moved to get out of her way, but she
took hold of my face and brought her lips to mine. At first, I returned
the kiss, but a reflex within me held her at arm's length.
"Ami, what are you doing?"
"I love you, Makoto," she replied with another kiss. "I have loved you
ever since we first met. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to
be with you. I want to feel loved. Please, Makoto, love me." She
started to kiss my neck and clavicle.
"Ami. Hold it." I stopped her before some strong, forbidden urges
kicked in and would keep me from doing so. Why was she doing this? Was
it because she really wanted me to make love to her or was it to fill a
void that she felt her boyfriend couldn't?
"Why?" Ami asked, startled. "Don't you love me?"
"Well, I-"
"Then show me."
"But what about your boyfriend?"
"I no longer have a boyfriend," she replied, stroking my face. "We
broke up. I couldn't go through with his marriage proposal. I'll tell
you more about it tomorrow, but for now, make love to me."
I grabbed her hand and took it off my face. "For the last three years,
you go out with him and when he wants to take the next step you chicken
out. Why?"
She got up to get out of the bed. I seized her wrist.
"Let go," she cried.
"No, I'm not letting you off the hook this time."
"Leave me alone! You don't love me!"
"YES, I DO!"
A flash of lightning lit up my bedroom. I caught sight of a stunned Ami
glaring at me. It took me a moment to realize what had just happened.
I gasped and covered my mouth. "What did you say, Makoto?"
Feeling that I couldn't hide it any further, I let the words come out.
"I love you, Ami."
Kneeling on the bed, taking my hands into hers, she asked again, "Then
why won't you make love to me?"
With tears in my eyes, I replied, "It's not that I don't want to. I
just want to know why."
"Why what?"
"Why do you want to be with me now instead of so many years ago, when
you were first in love with me?"
Ami released my hands, heaved a heavy sigh, and sat on the edge of the
bed with her back towards me. "I was scared, Makoto. I didn't know how
you would react if I was to tell you that I loved you. Plus, we became
such good friends that I didn't want to risk what we had by trying to go
further. Do you know why I went to study abroad after we graduated from
high school? It was because without you near, I had no reason to fear
you. Yet all the while I was gone, I felt like a piece of me was
missing. I immersed myself in my studies to forget the fear and hide
the pain. I thought that doing so would fill the void, but it didn't.
"As you know, I completed college and med school in only three years.
After my three years residency, I chose to return to Japan and be a
doctor in the neighborhood where we grew up. My first day on the job
was when I met my boyfriend. I fell for him the very first moment I saw
him. His chocolate brown hair, his lime green eyes, and his tall sturdy
frame completely entranced me. Maybe subconsciously it was because he
reminded me so much of you. Though we exchanged many words of love and
many kisses as well, I still felt the hollow void in my heart. When he
proposed to me tonight, I realized that the whole thing between him and
I was wrong. The entire time we were going out I was not being honest
to him and, least of all, to myself. So, I apologized for deceiving him
and broke up with him. Then, I ran out into the storm and came to you,
realizing I couldn't stand being without you anymore. Forgive me
Makoto; forgive me for deceiving you as well." Her bare shoulders shook
with sobs.
Ami's confession did make sense. I was scared, too. Our long-time
friendship was special to me as well. I fell in love with her around
the same time that she fell for me. I was so self-conscious that I
didn't want to embarrass myself by professing a possible one-sided love.
After graduation and we went our separate ways, I felt a similar void
that she did. I opened my flower shop shortly after that. Like Ami
with her studies, I felt that getting right to work and keeping busy
would help me to forget the void. Ami visited my shop shortly after she
returned to Japan. It was then that I finally realized what the void
was. On her next visit, I was about to throw caution to the wind and
tell her that I loved her; but her boyfriend came in with her.
Disheartened as I was, I held my tongue, cursed to love her from a
distance forever. But somehow, fate had smiled upon Ami and me. We had
been given a chance to come clean and start over.
I put my hand on her shoulder. "There's no need to ask for forgiveness,
Ami. Maybe I should be the one to ask for your forgiveness, for putting
you in an awkward situation of choosing between him and me."
"It's not your fault, Makoto" she sniffled. "Fear got in the way. On
my way here, I didn't think you would let me in after how much we rarely
kept in touch while we were apart. But tonight, when you allowed me to
come in and helped me get warmed up, I somehow figured that you loved me
as much as I loved you." Ami turned around and gave me a hug. I
gratefully returned the gesture.
"Oh, Makoto," Ami sighed. "I've forgotten how much I've missed us being
like this." I smiled in agreement. Though we were both naked, I didn't
care. All I cared about was Ami being there with me. And by the feel
of her embrace, I was assured that she felt the same. "Can we stay like
this forever?"
"You read my mind." She hugged me even tighter.
"Well, what's next for us?"
"Tomorrow is Sunday. The shop is closed on Sundays. Let's talk about
it more when we go out for breakfast."
"Sure. It's a date."
Ami stood up as if to leave. I took hold of her wrist. "Don't go.
There's plenty of room here."
I lifted up the covers of my bed. Ami got under the covers and slid in
beside me. After enveloping my love in my arms, I tenderly kissed her
lips.
"Good night, Ami. I love you"
"I love you too, Makoto. Good night."
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