Distance
Though it weighs on my mind, I can't ask
Tired of swimming to you, I fall silent
Though I want to see you, I'm pushed by invisible waves
And I find myself even further away
Ami could not say anything. She turned away, tears freely falling from
her face. Her throat constricted. Her heart was fighting a battle, and
her mind couldn’t do anything. Rational thought seemed impossible as
she tried to wrestle hundreds of emotions at once. Her heart felt like
it was clenching tight enough to burst. Suddenly, she felt a hand grab
hers and press something in her grasp. She realized it was Makoto’s
umbrella. Ami felt an extra weight around her shoulders. It was
Makoto’s jacket, and it was still warm. She turned around, “Ma-“
Makoto was already rapidly walking away. “Makoto…”
------------------------------------------------------------
Ami stood rooted on the ground, unable to move, her brain telling her
to run after Makoto. Run. Run. Run. Run. But she stood rooted to the
ground under the onslaught of heavy rain. Thanks to Makoto’s umbrella,
Ami was not soaked any further than she already was. Thanks to
Makoto’s jacket, an ounce of warmth reached her cold skin. However her
warmth could not influence the cold in her heart. Makoto’s is getting
soaked! Ami, find her. If you don’t have the courage now… ‘You never
know what would have been like if you just didn’t have the courage to
say three little words that mean a lot, Ami. You’ll spend the rest of
your life wondering, ‘what if’? Don’t push love away Ami, don’t be
scared of rejection,’ she recalled what her mother once told her when
she meet Urawa Ryo, the boy that matched her genius.
“Makoto is getting soaked.” Her feet began moving. Ami was thankful
that Makoto had slowed down after awhile, otherwise she would have a
hard time matching the taller woman’s long strides. Makoto’s form grew
larger as Ami neared the depressed figure. Makoto paused her steps and
looked up at the sky letting the rain pelt her, and, for its entire
stygian feel, she saw a beauty in there, a beauty in the rain that
came from it. Calm. The rain was the calming factor. She closed her
eyes hearing the raindrops fall harmlessly onto tangible surfaces.
Suddenly she realized the raindrops were not falling onto her face
anymore. Her eyes snapped opened, her senses put on alert. Makoto saw
a familiar black umbrella looming above her head. She looked down at
turned slowly, expecting Ami there. She was, giving up the protection
of the umbrella to shield Makoto. Ami was looking at Makoto almost
shyly and forgiving. A look that said, ‘we’re still friends, right?’
“Ami…?”
Ami stepped in closer, keeping herself out of the rain. “Are you
crazy, Mako-chan? You’re going to get sick if you stay out here for
long,” she whispered.
“Ami-san…”
Ami shook her head. “Let me speak.” Ami’s eyes never left Makoto’s
forcing her emerald eyes to look back ruefully. “I accept your
apologies, Mako-chan.” Her voice trembled without Ami realizing it.
Several times her mouth opened, but she made no noise, unsure of how
to approach the subject. “You’re… I… Mako-chan, I forgive you.” She
paused again to gather her thoughts; all the while her mother’s words
never left her thoughts. Makoto waited patiently for Ami to continue.
As the silence stretched, her throat became dry, but her chest felt
lighter as a load was taken off her shoulders.
Ami, why? Why do you still forgive me?
Ami began to spoke again; Makoto’s mind came back into focus.
“Mako-chan,” she whispered, “You’re too important a person to me.”
Ami’s voice was loud in her ears, but she spoke scarcely past a
whisper. Makoto listened as attentively as an eager student. She could
barely hear Ami though, and she was confused as to why Ami being so
quiet. She seemed nervous, but about what? Ami blushed and tilted her
head down in a way Makoto found quite adorable.
Ami swallowed, though her throat was dry. “Don’t hate me for-“
Makoto drew back slightly. “Ami, I can never-“
“Don’t. Let me speak,” she interrupted. “Please. Don’t hate me for
what I’m going to say.” Her hands tightened around the umbrella’s
handle to hide her trembling. She scared, god awful frightened to say
in the least. A string of ‘what-if’ questions ran through her head.
‘What if she hates me? What if she wouldn’t want to have anything to
do with me? What if she leaves?’ Ami took a deep breath. I can’t do
this. I can’t. I just… I wish to be in her embrace… I’m tired. I hate
this. Makoto…you don’t know just how much strength I use to suppress
these emotions for you, and I am getting tired. But oh goodness, I am
so scared, so weak and so craven.
Ami broke their gaze and looked down, staring at her feet. She’d been
doing that a lot lately. Suddenly she looked up, the motion catching
Makoto’s gaze. Ami opened the windows in her eyes and tried to tell
Makoto with the emotions that came bidden to her eyes what her words
could not say. Confused emerald eyes gazed into a pair of azure pools
of emotion. Realization began to dawn in Makoto as she realized
exactly what her friend was suggesting. Makoto saw in Ami’s forgiving
eyes, fondness and love. But more prominent of the emotions swirling
in her dark pools was a question. Of acceptance. Makoto did not know
what to do, what to say. The love she saw in her friend’s eyes went
far deeper than it would seem on the surface as the love for a friend.
Does…Ami love me like that? But why? After all the shitty things I’ve
done… she still… This is awkward. I mean…Ami is my friend. Ami is Ami.
Ami is a woman. If she still wants to be. Evidently. I hope… But why
me? I was so cruel to you. You must have been hurting all those times
you saw me with Yuuhi. If what I see is true, Ami…then I don’t deserve
you, not even as a friend.
Ami was looking for a sign of any reaction from Makoto. She saw that
her friend was having an internal battle of her own. Her chest
constricted, already bracing for the coming onslaught of her friend
telling her to stay out of her life…again. It did not come. She felt a
gentle hand rest on her shoulder. Ami looked up. The look Makoto gave
her was so welcoming and her hand on her shoulder gave her strength.
Ami could not resist burying herself against Makoto. Makoto stiffened
but relaxed and settled into in, letting Ami embrace her.
“Please forgive me, but I need this...” Ami whispered softly. Ami felt
Makoto’s arms wrap around her. They stayed like that for a moment
until Makoto pulled away and stepped back. Ami looked at Makoto in
surprise.
“Ami,” Makoto said hoarsely. “Ami-san,” she continued sadly. The love
in her gloomy eyes matched Ami’s earlier, with a cloud of sorrow over
it. “I’m… sorry.” Makoto took a deep breath. She steeled herself.
“Ami-san. You should go home. You’re soaking wet and you’ll catch a
cold like this,” she said with a nonchalant sangfroid. Ami was unable
to speak. She felt her heart crumble and pretty soon, so will her
legs. Her chest hurt. Why? Was I injured? Yes… my heart is injured.
Makoto softened her tone. “Ami-san… I… I don’t deserve you. You are
too wonderful. I don’t deserve you, not as a friend. Not-“ she
swallowed, “not as a lover. It’s better that way.” Tears came unbidden
in her eyes as she walked away with deliberate, fast strides. In her
heart, she felt drops of Mercury fall to the cold ground, and it tore
at her.
You can be hurt this much, by just a single word
But you'll teach me about loneliness
Mrs. Mizuno spent one of these rare afternoons, when she was not at
the hospital, at home, watching television, reading the newspaper and
cooking dinner, like any other housewife would. She heard a noise at
the door. She heard a creak as it opened. Mrs. Mizuno stood up and
walked to the front door, where she saw a sopping wet, saturnine
daughter standing there, dripping umbrella in her hands.
She rushed to take the umbrella out of her daughter’s hand and led her
inside to the bathroom. “My god, Ami! Why are you soaked? What’s
wrong?” Despite the fact that she’ll get wet, she drew her daughter
into a hug and held on to her as tight as a protective mother could.
The trickles of tears that already streamed Ami’s face began to flood
rivulets, soaking into her mother’s shirt. Her mother stroked Ami’s
hair. Ami sobbed harder. “Shh…Ami. Why don’t you go take a shower?
Warm yourself up? Please, I don’t want you to get sick. While you do
that, I will make some tea and we can talk. Is that okay Ami?” She
felt her daughter nod her head. Not letting go of her daughter, Mrs.
Mizuno led Ami to the bathroom, and after making sure she would be all
right, she went to the kitchen and boiled a pot of water. After
pouring herself a cup, she sat in the kitchen, distressed over her
daughter. It ached her heart to see Ami so miserable and the look she
caught in her eyes wrenched at her heart. Though Ami was a grown
adult, she was her daughter nonetheless and it was still her job to
worry and care.
Ami walked out, wearing a bathrobe, and sat despondently in a chair
next to her mom. Ami leaned against her mother and sighed, her
breathing was tremulous. Mrs. Mizuno gently wrapped a motherly arm
around her and started speaking: “Ami? What’s wrong? You can talk
about it…” It was then that Ami began to sob, and sob harder. She
tried to speak but could only manage “mom.” Ami fell quiet after a
while. Then, she reached out to pour herself some tea and gulped it
down. She set her cup back on the table.
“Ami?” Ami nodded to let her mother know she was listening. “Want to
talk?” Ami didn’t respond. Mrs. Mizuno had an idea what Ami was so
down about, and was just wondering how to ask. “Ami, you love her that
much?” She felt Ami go rigid.
“Love whom?” she asked in a soft voice that could barely be heard.
“You know. Makoto.”
“W-what do you mean?” Ami’s voice became unsteady.
Her mother chuckled lightly. “I may be away often, but I’m not
completely unaware of the way you look at her sometimes. It only took
me a while to realize that was how I looked at your father when I was
younger… and in love. And besides, you seem more distant, and you are
drawing away from your studies,” she nudged.
“I don’t understand. She is hurting because of Yuuhi, and I understand
that pain. But I don’t understand everything else.”
“You will Ami, you will.”
“Mom, don’t laugh, but I love her so much it hurts to only hope,” her
mother was nothing but serious. “She found out about Yuuhi. She came
to me. Apologized. She was sincere, I heard it in her voice, saw it in
her eyes. She asked my to forgive her. I answered too late. She walked
away… I went after her and tried to…” Ami closed her eyes. “I don’t
understand. She took off, saying she didn’t deserve me. Am I at fault?
Why shouldn’t she deserve me? She is unbelievably loyal, kind. Is it
wrong for me to love her?”
“No,” he mother interrupted. “Love can never be wrong. If it is, then
you are right to be wrong.”
“I couldn’t tell her mom. I tried to follow your advice before about
Urawa, but I couldn’t…” The phone rang and Ami’s mother picked it up.
“Rei? Good afternoon! You want to talk to Ami? Sure, one moment
please.” She covered the phone with her hand and allowed her daughter
to compose herself. Ami got her speech under control and reached for
the phone. Rei called to tell Ami that she was late for a meeting at
the shrine and expressed her shock at Ami’s tardiness. Ami apologized,
“I’ll be there right away. Sorry.” There was a short pause. “Makoto?
No, I haven’t seen her all day. I’ll try to contact her.” Ami hoped
this little lie would be forgiven as she hung up the phone. Her mother
gave her a surprised look, but shrugged.
“I’m going to Rei’s. Ittekimasu.” Ami picked up Makoto’s umbrella and
put on her jacket.
“Itterashai. And Ami? Hoping for the future is the only strength
against the cruelties of life. Hope for a future with Makoto, yeah?”
“But-“
“She loves you, you know Ami? Sometimes I do believe that brain of
yours is a curse,” her mother said lightheartedly. “You don’t notice
the most obvious of things. Makoto ran here looking for you, drenched,
and despite the pain caused to her ribs continued to look for you. She
wanted to say you were right, Ami.” Not giving Ami a chance to retort
in self-pity, she said, “Itterashai!” and resumed watching television.
Ami managed composing herself before arriving at Rei’s shrine. Usagi
met her at the top of the steps, wearing a smile on her face. Ami
found herself wishing she could be as happy as her friend. Usagi saw
that something was wrong the moment she saw Ami, who was doing a
fairly good job of hiding her sullen state. Ami’s look also said,
“don’t ask, I won’t tell anyway.” Usagi settled to walked silently
beside her friend, offering comfort in the quietest way. Ami was
thankful that Usagi didn’t question her but just stood as a silent
companion.
Minako and Rei were having a rather tedious conversation about the
battle last night. They stopped when they saw Ami coming and greeted
her. Usagi caught the look on Rei’s face and vigorously shook her head
telling Rei not to ask what was wrong with Ami.
“Ami, we need your expertise.” Minako grinned. “The fact is obvious.
There was a youma, last night. The question is: where did it come
from? What is it after? Why now? And, I thought we already killed all
the bad guys!” Minako fell back onto the floor exasperated.
Ami spoke, “Well… I’ve given it some thought and I’ve concluded that
this is just a random appearance.”
“A youma pops out of nowhere and you think it’s a random occurrence?
What? You think a youma just wanted to come out and play?” Minako
shot.
“I agree with Ami,” Rei interjected. “There have been no major
disturbances in energy that I have felt or sensed. The fire tells me
nothing. I just want to know why. A girl landed in a hospital because
of this. We need to stop it.”
“I don’t think we can, at least not until Usagi is ready to rule over
Crystal Tokyo and the full power of the Ginzuishou has been reached,”
Ami stated frankly. “It’s like this, I believe. The youma, or what’s
left of that dark energy resides in a parallel plane to ours. Somehow,
a door opened that leads here. And every once in a while, a stray
youma may stumble upon and door, end up here, be confused and wreak
havoc.”
“So…we can expect an attack at any given time?” Usagi asked. Ami
nodded gravely. “Then…I don’t mean to stray off subject, but Rei, have
you been able to contact Makoto yet?”
“No. Let’s just hope I don’t find her or she’ll have a piece of my
mind. She could at least contact us you know. I called the restaurant
she works at, I called her apartment and I called Shinozaki but they
all have no clue where she is.” Rei was bordering between frustration
and concern.
“I wonder…if it had to anything to do with last night,” Minako
suggested, directing the question to Ami.
“Makoto is just being irresponsible,” Rei said. “Although-“
“Give her a break will you?” Ami growled. She was received by startled
looks. Ami flushed in embarrassment and apologized. “I’m sorry. I
guess you guys didn’t know.”
“Know what?” Usagi prompted. Rei lost her air of impatience and Minako
scrunched her eyebrows in thought.
“They broke up. Makoto and Yuuhi.”
“What?” Minako yelped, thoroughly shocked. Rei, red-faced from her
earlier judgments of Makoto’s tardiness, gave Ami a questioning look.
Rei was curious to know why Ami knew and the rest didn’t. And, why Ami
was behaving so strangely as of late.
“Dear Mako-chan…” Usagi sighed. She had hoped with all her heart that
this time it would work out well. She and Yuuhi just seemed so perfect
together. “Do you know why?”
Ami hesitated for a while. “Yuuhi…was practicing infidelity to soften
it up a little. But in layman’s terms, he’s been cheating on her,” she
said almost calmly, as if stating a fact from a textbook.
“What?” Usagi shouted. She was seething along with the others. “If I
ever see that man on the streets, you better restrain or your mother
will have another patient.” Usagi shuffled back and forth, looking
ready to pounce. Rei silently fumed, wishing silent death wishes to
Yuuhi. And Minako’s brain already began plotting revenge.
Ami excused herself, saying that she had something to do. Rei asked
Ami to update Makoto if she saw or heard from her. Ami assured Rei
that she would.
Makoto somehow, in the rain, found herself back at the gates of Juuban
Junior High. This was the place that started the best and most
tumultuous years of her life. She made her best friends here; died
during the time she was attending this school, brought out the best of
her potential, and dispelled the foul rumors that followed her from
her old school. Here, she came to care for the four people that
drastically changed her life for the better. She got into fewer
fights, her grades improved marginally, and she had a reason to live.
Her thoughts drifted to Ami again. How she had hurt her with those few
words! She shook her head, telling herself not to think about these
things at all, but they always crept back through her heart. And her
heart was what controlled her brain, her thought processes, emotions,
everything. She sighed heavily, her heart burdened with feelings of
contrition.
She stood a while longer in front of the gates, reminiscing about the
past before turning to leave. Pausing to look up at the sky, she
wondered if the rain would stop soon. Makoto didn’t feel like going
back to an empty apartment, where she had nothing to do. Boredom would
lead her mind to memories, painful memories that are best left alone.
But memories, as she has found, are the curses of devils and the gift
of angels.
Messed up again. No surprise. She gave you a chance to accept her
offer of friendship. I pushed her away. You didn’t have to. But I did.
Because? Because I don’t deserve such kind friends. I was supposed to
die with mom and dad. Don’t bring them into this; they have nothing to
do with your screwing up. They don’t. Sorry mom, dad. What makes you
think you don’t deserve friends? Because I… You don’t have an answer,
do you? I do. What is it? I’ve caused them so much grief. Them? Her!
I’ve caused her so much grief. She forgave you. Out of pity? I’m
sorry; I don’t take that kind of forgiveness. Out of love. Love for an
old friend. A friend that betrayed that thin line of trust? No. Love
for you. There’s that culinary school…what’s it called? Le Cordon
Bleu? Don’t stray from the subject Kino Makoto. I’ve always wanted to
check that place out. Don’t shut me out Makoto. You can’t I am you.
Your heart. The real Makoto. I can ignore you. You cannot. You never
could. The human heart can lie. I’ve never lied to you. First time for
everything. Don’t avoid the truth. You care for her. You love her.
Don’t deny your heart Makoto. You never did, why start now? Your heart
is the truest thing about Kino Makoto. Why am I even talking to you?
The rain must have addled my brain. People always go to you when they
need help or a friendly ear. You never go to them. Who do you confide
in? Me. Your heart. Listen to Ami. And what? I don’t deserve her. But
I hate it when you are right. I love her as much as I have ever loved
anyone. I am so stupid to just realize this now. I’m just…afraid.
You’re being selfish. No, I’m not. Then why do you keep your love to
yourself? You want to share it but you are afraid. You are being
selfish. You’re hurting Ami. I’m not…I don’t want to have my love life
repeated over and over. I don’t think I want to be hurt again, and I
don’t want to hurt Ami again. I hate this.
So enraptured was she in her thoughts that she was jolted out of
herself when she crashed headlong into another person, sending waves
of white hot pain shooting down her chest and through her appendages.
She grit her teeth, clenched her fists and squeezed her eyes shut. Her
lips bled, she had bitten them to keep from crying out. “Shit,” she
muttered. Whoever she ran into, ran into her hard.
An old Chinese belief stated that two people are connected together by
a red string tied around their ankles. In the world, nobody is without
one. They are tied together, though they cannot see the string. These
two people would be soul mates, so to speak, but not necessarily as
lovers. It could be a bond between a mother and daughter, father and
son, or even between best friends. The string just made sure they
wouldn’t lose each other, no matter how far apart they may be and they
would always find each other. Even if it is just a brush across
walking down the street. Fate somehow always brought the two ends
together, though they may get lost numerous times.
Ami felt something pull her into the direction of her old junior high
school. She loved the place, no doubt. She met Usagi, Rei, Makoto,
Minako…everyone. She felt a tug at her heart. Unbeknownst to her, she
was being drawn to Makoto. Her head bowed deep in thought. She felt
buried. All the confused emotions she kept to herself was beginning to
be to much for her that she felt like she was being covered, and
buried. She always had Makoto to confide it, if not her mother. Now,
she couldn’t talk to Makoto about it, since she is the subject matter.
Her mother wouldn’t understand. Nobody would understand, Ami felt. She
walked faster, and was near running, bidding the tears to not shed.
She nearly screamed when she hit something. Someone. Her heart leapt
in surprise. She fought to keep her balance. Luckily, those years as a
Senshi help her keep on her feet. The person was on her knees
muttering an obscenity as she clenched her chest in pain. Ami gasped
in horror as she saw a familiar sweep of mahogany brown hair kept up
in a high ponytail. “Makoto!”
Ami was on her knees in an instant. Her friend’s usually vibrant green
eyes were dark and sullen. “Ami?” Makoto quickly got up and turned
away, despite the dull ache in her chest that was not her injuries.
“Makoto wait!” Makoto paused her steps for a moment and turned
slightly, not completely facing her. She walked on.
“Stay away,” she yelled. Makoto’s heart began to hurt.
“Please! Wait a moment.”
“Ami, just…”
Ami’s heart was beating fast against her chest as her she grew anxious
about what she was going to say. Makoto was getting farther away and
if she didn’t act quickly, that rift between them would grow. From her
heart, from her mother, from somewhere, she drew the courage to
scream, “I love you!”
I wanna be with you now
Together, let's gaze at this distance
If we do it now, we can make it
We can start over,
I want to put it into words
I wanna be with you now
Along the way, even this distance
Will become something we can embrace
Makoto froze at the urgency and sincerity in which Ami had shouted
those words. Her heart leaped in joy and begged Makoto to believe it.
Forget everything else, but believe Ami. She found it difficult to
breathe as she heard footsteps coming towards her. She turned around
just as Ami reached her. Ami slowed her steps and kept a distance
between them.
“Ami…”
Ami took a step closer. She was unusually calm in the situation,
moving with deliberate movements. She moved forward again, and stopped
just an arm’s reach from Makoto.
“Ami?” Ami didn’t answer. She didn’t need to, as her actions will
explain what words cannot. Makoto could only wait. She anticipated
this moment with as much anxiousness as she did fear.
“Ami. I’m leaving.” Ami froze, not comprehending. To clarify, Makoto
spoke again. “I’m applying for Le Cordon Bleu, in Shibuya-ku, or maybe
the one in Yokohama, depending. I’ve been thinking about it for a
while now. They can give me a degree in restaurant business, I can
learn to cook French cuisine, get a diploma in pastry and cuisine.”
Makoto spoke as if it was just any day news.
“That- that’s great. I glad…that you’ve decided to pursue your
dreams.” But… “I’m proud of you Mako-chan,” she forced out, hiding her
disappointment. Anguish…
“I’m moving to wherever I get accepted.”
Ami was silent. Where was that strength she drew? Did it whither away?
“Makoto, don’t run away from me anymore,” Ami spoke painfully. Makoto
was making this harder for Ami. Cooking, baking, that was Makoto’s
dream. She couldn’t possibly compete with that. But there was a hope.
Shibuya-ku wasn’t that far from Minato-ku. But Yokohama…
“Makoto…Why now?”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m distracting you from your studies.”
Ami shook her head sadly. No. No. I’m not letting you go. Not this
time. “You’re hurting me by leaving.” Just one selfish wish… I don’t
want her to move to Yokohama or Shibuya-ku. “Don’t run from me. I need
you. Don’t leave…”
Ami stepped closer until she was a mere few inches from Makoto. Her
eyes were closed. She looked down. Slowly, awkwardly, her hand moved
toward Makoto’s. Her fingers found its way to Makoto’s and touched
hers gently, before taking her hand into her own smaller, elegant
ones. Ami looked up and into her eyes. She saw what she wanted in
Makoto’s eyes: love and acceptance. Ami rested her head against
Makoto. She felt Makoto tense, but Ami didn’t draw back. She was
tired. Makoto relaxed. This felt right. This was right. She loved it
when her heart was right.
Makoto’s fingers closed around Ami’s and gripped her hand tight. Ami’s
other arm gently wrapped itself around Makoto as she brought their
entwined hands level to her shoulder. Makoto looked at it for a moment
before smiling. Ami buried against Makoto and drew back when Makoto
winced. “I’m all right.” Makoto rested her head on Ami’s shoulders.
She felt tears run on her neck where Ami’s face was. “Rain stopped,”
she whispered. “Ami, whom I cherish…”
We should stay together,
I wanna be with you after all
Ad astra per aspera
“To the stars through difficulties.”
------------------------------------------------------------
Wheeeeee! If you’ve noticed, I only used a portion of the song Final
Distance: the beginning, middle and end. I tried to make Makoto
confused about her feelings, which is why her views toward things may
seem inconsistent. I’ve never tried anything like that so… it may seem
a bit superficial.
Distance: approximately 2 weeks in the making. Not bad…Thanks for all
you guys who’ve read the story and reviewed it! Believe it or not, you
guys gave me some ideas as to the direction of the story. Sorry it’s
so short…. But it’s the longest epilogue I’VE ever written. Haha…
Date Completed: 9 March 2002
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