Letters from Desolation Row
Hi!
Words written like _this_ are in Italics.
This is kind of an epilogue to the trilogy Hotaru's Pain. It makes
more sense if you read that one first, but what do I care about
what you do. I kinda like this story.
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Tangled up in Blue
So now I'm goin' back again
Got to get to her somehow
We always did feel the same
We just saw it from a different point of view
Bob Dylan
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A young woman was sitting under a massive tree atop a hill. It
was a strong and a very old tree; it must have stood there for
ages. The leaves of the mighty tree were filtering the warm
sunlight as it shone down in golden blots upon the woman. A warm
summer breeze was blowing up the hill, tangling the woman's black
hair with little tongues of air licking past her face. Tufts of her
hair were swirled about and danced around her neck while the wind
relieved a bit of the heat of the summer afternoon.
In the valley below the hill, spread before the woman, lay the
city of Crystal Tokyo, home of Neo Queen Serenity and King Endymion
- and their daughter.
The woman looked about twenty, twenty-five at best. As young as
her body seemed, her eyes told a whole different story. Her dark
jewels lost the glow of youth a long time ago. Her eyes were that
of an old woman, a woman who has seen generations go by, who has
seen lives of people that grew close to her wither away like the
leaves of this mighty tree do every year. A woman who has witnessed
horrors other people never dare to think of, let alone imagine
them.
The only one who could still smile genuinely after all those years
was the queen. And how couldn't she... She had someone to love her,
someone as immortal as they all were. And she had a beautiful
daughter.
Oh, had she have never met her, how different her life would be.
She would have died long ago, the torture of immortality would have
been spared to her. Her loneliness would have lasted only a
lifetime, her object of desire would have stayed hidden from her
eyes. But now she must face eternity alone, with her princess just
within reach, yet so unattainable.
People regarded them as angels, avatars, or something similar yet
she was already broken, long before the sky will ever open for her.
Forsaken she was sinking beneath the flood of tears that dried out
centuries ago.
How she wished she could be as strong as this tree was. But she
wasn't. She was weak. Who would want someone as weak as her? Why
does a princess want someone as weak as her?
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A young woman was heading up a hill to the north of Crystal Tokyo.
The hill was off grounds for the citizens of Crystal Tokyo. The
hill was off grounds even for the members of the Royal Family and
the Senshi. The hill had a concentrated amount of negative energy.
Many fatal accidents happened here in the recent past, the few
suicides that were committed in this city of angels were committed
here.
The hot summer afternoon was already turning into evening but the
heat was still unbearable. The hands and knees of the young woman
were bleeding as she fell to the ground more than once - the heat
and the negative karma taking their toll. And yet she continued
walking the path that led her to the top. For someone was waiting
at the top. Someone who has been waiting there for a long time.
Once she had already walked this path in vain. The one atop the
hill sent her away... But why? They had sworn each other love. But
that was a long time ago for the one atop the hill. Did she tire of
waiting? But why is she still up there then? It just doesn't make
sense...
The young woman's eyes filled with tears each time she thought
about walking this path down alone _again_. But this time the dark
beauty on the hill had a promise to keep. She smiled at how easily
and without thinking she gave away that promise. She couldn't help
but wonder if she regrets that promise now. Why was it so simple
then and why is it so hard now? If she walks this path down alone,
this time she'll at least know why. Although she doubted she'd ever
get over it.
Her feet were hurting tremendously, her knees were bleeding as
well as her hands. The sweat from her forehead was dripping into
her eyes, already sore from her crying. She needed a rest badly.
She wanted to stop right then and there but something drove her on.
_Again_. She fell to the rocky ground again. Leaving some blood
and her wish to stop behind she rose to her feet and continued her
journey through the thorns. For if there was one thing she ever
learned from her mother it was to have faith in love. And to fight
for love. Because love _will_ find a way.
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There she is. She just scaled the crest and now she's standing
there as if stricken by lightning. I knew she'd come. That spoiled
brat. Can't she understand there are certain things she cannot
have? As soon as I heard she went back I knew she'd come sooner or
later. When I woke up this morning with this new memories inside my
head it was as clear as day to me. And the promise. The promise she
forced out of my 20th century self. But if I'm honest I have to
admit that she didn't force it. She couldn't do that. She's too
good to do that. If I had felt in any way unsure about it she
wouldn't pursue it further. I was so naive then. Then she was only
my lover. Now she's the princess.
She's still standing there. Watching me. Watching me watching her
watching me. Her white royal gown with the golden rings over her
chest. The wind is playing with her pigtails and the ends of her
dress. Her pigtails are slightly different than her mother's. They
are a bit puffier at their base and reach only to her knees at
best. But basically the same impossible hairstyle only the two
manage to pull off without looking silly. Her arms are hanging
helplessly at her sides, the golden rings over her chest are being
lifted and dropped by her heavy breathing. But something is wrong.
I didn't notice it at first - I admit that her sight entranced me.
Her dress is stained with blood, her eyes are red. Her hair is in a
mess, the golden rings aren't perfectly in place... But actually
they never are. She is probably the messiest princess there ever
was.
And yet she's so graceful - a sight to behold.
Now she has finally overcome the fear and she's walking up to me.
Slowly and unsure. The path leading to the top is rocky, but up her
grass is growing. I stand up; she's right in front of me. How long
will she be able to meet my gaze like that? Not even a second. She
fell down on her knees and now her deep crimson eyes full of tears
are looking anxiously up into mine. I have to be strong - for her.
"I'll keep my promise... I do still love you." Cool and collected.
I'm sorry... "But that doesn't matter. You mustn't love me!"
"Wha- What are you saying?"
"You will become the Queen of Crystal Tokyo one day. You have
obligations too keep. For one thing you have to have heirs."
"I don't care if... if our love is fruitless."
"No! You are already spoken for. Your marriage date with Prince
Helios is all but set!"
"That's not true! I don't love him!"
Can't she understand? I sit down in front of her, her eyes still
fixed on mine. "You are the future queen! You cannot love another
woman." This was the final blow. Needless to say I stressed each
word to make sure she'd understand. Now it's over. I always thought
I'd be relieved when I finally close this book. Anyway, now I can
go on with my life and find myself a girl with pink pigtails to
remind me of her. Maybe I'll even manage to love her through the
course of time.
Her face convulsed in a childlike manner when she heard these
words and she slumped down into my lap. I feel the fabric of my
dress soaking up her tears. I feel her heavy ragged breathing
against it. I can _feel_ her... For the first time in almost a
thousand years I can feel her again. I haven't realized how much I
missed the feeling of her hair between my fingers. I take a deep
breath to inhale her calming scent. Just like I remember it.
She's unlike any other person I ever met. I fail every time I try
to describe her. Angel. That is the only word that comes close. Yet
it doesn't touch her essence. It only manages to scratch the
surface. She's so much more.
I can hear her words, but they come to me from a distance.
"But I do love you. And I couldn't live without your love..."
"Why? Why don't you just let go?"
I can feel her arms tighten around my waist as she speaks into my
dress.
"I love you Hotaru-chan... I love you, I want to marry you, I want
to spend the rest of eternity with you."
At this point she raises her head and looks into my eyes. And when
is see her eyes now - for the first time so clearly - I know she
didn't lie. If I would send her away she would wither away like a
flower without water. She needs love as much as other people need
air.
Now I understand.
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"ChibiUsa, how is this possible?"
ChibiUsa. Nobody except her calls me that any more. I guess I'm
not that chibi any more.
"Sit down over here, ChibiUsa." She steers me into that oversized
armchair we sometimes spend the evening cuddling in. She sits down
opposite to me on a chair and pierces her eyes into mine.
"Listen carefully, ChibiUsa. You are a woman. I am a woman. You
can't possibly be pregnant from me." She treats me as if I had some
kind of a disease or something. But she never doubts my loyalty to
her.
"I think it was the Ginzuishu."
"...I don't understand." Of course she doesn't, I can see it in
her eyes. She's so cute when she doesn't understand.
"A few weeks ago it was glowing slightly when I woke up in the
morning. It was so subtle that I didn't know if it was for real or
were my eyes just playing tricks on me. I'm sure it happened that
night." A few moment pass before a tear trickles down her face. A
tear of joy surely because she's smiling. She reaches out her left
hand and touches my cheek. Oh, I didn't know I was crying also. You
always do that to me. Around you I always forget about myself. She
sits down beside me in our armchair and kisses my bare shoulder.
"Hotaru-chan, I'm already pregnant. You don't have to make
passionate love to me."
"I love you, ChibiUsa."
"I love you too, Hotaru."
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