Brave the Night
It was waiting for her. Some days it always was.
Some things had changed. It was much later, and much darker. Two
things, however, had remained the same: it was still raining, and she
was still at the Mizuno residence.
Some days the rain always waited for Makoto Kino. They had the Senshi
of water and the Senshi of lightning right there. No wonder the storm
lingered, she mused silently.
She had fallen asleep hours ago, and was still sitting on the couch.
She and Ami were still holding each other. Part of her wanted to stay
there all night, holding the blue-haired girl, and watch the sun come
up. But another part of her wouldn't let her do it.
'What am I doing here?' asked a nasty voice inside Makoto's head. 'This
isn't where I belong. I'll always be alone.' She looked at Ami, who
was resting her head against Makoto's shoulder, sleeping lightly. 'And
what have I done to Ami? What must she think of me now?'
Makoto berated herself in her mind. She was supposed to be a pillar of
strength. Earlier today she had acted like a scared little girl, lost
in the mall or something. It was the opposite of how she was supposed
to behave. The others looked to her for inspiration, for someone to be
strong when things were going wrong. What would they think if they had
seen their Mako-chan acting like a lost child?
'I've been lost long enough that I should be used to it,' Makoto sighed.
And what about Ami? Makoto had felt strange around the water Senshi for
a while now, but she had only recently admitted her feelings to herself.
She loved Ami. She thought of her as more than a friend. And the idea
scared her.
This kind of thing wasn't exactly new to her; they had known Haruka and
Michiru were lovers for a while now. Makoto had just never thought she
was like them. Honestly, she still wasn't sure she was. She didn't
feel that way about anyone else, just Ami. It never occurred to her to
flirt with other girls the way Haruka did. So what did it all mean?
Was it so wrong to love somebody?
-----
Somewhere
Under the curtain of the midnight air
Beneath the halo of a street lamp's glare
Behind the smokescreen of a sewer vent
I'm still wondering where you went
And I'm spent
-----
There were plenty of reasons not to tell anyone, especially Ami, how she
felt. Number one was Mizuno-san. Ami's mother was a conservative,
traditional woman; Makoto could tell even though she hadn't met the
doctor many times. She could remember a few times when Ami had said
something about how her mother wanted to know all the details of her
life. A girl being in love with her daughter was something Mizuno-san
would definitely want to know about. And, considering everything, it
was something she probably wouldn't like.
Second, there was Urawa. Makoto hadn't heard from the boy in a long
time, but she knew he and Ami still kept in touch. She knew Urawa had a
serious crush on Ami. What she didn't know was if the feeling was
mutual. But what if it was? What if Ami really had feelings for the
precognitive boy? Makoto could just picture that scenario: the lovely
couple, like the wheels of a bicycle, and herself, the third wheel, or
maybe not even part of it at all.
Third, what would the other Senshi think? Usagi would probably be blown
away at first, then give her a big hug and say she was glad Mako-chan
had figured out the truth about herself. Minako was the epitome of
"love is blind," so it probably wouldn't make any difference to her if
Makoto was in love with a dishwasher. Rei...that was the interesting
question. Rei didn't like to be surprised. She might find it insulting
that she hadn't heard about this before. Maybe she would even mouth off
like she did to Usagi all the time. That might hurt her feelings a
little, but she had been used to it. And eventually, the fire Senshi
always calmed down.
What would little Chibi-Usa and Hotaru think? She had no idea. She
wasn't even sure if they understood Haruka and Michiru. Haruka...now
that would be the fun one. Makoto could picture the older girl's
reaction to her declaration of her true feelings: "That's great! We can
go cruising for chicks to pick up together!" Michiru would then express
exactly how she felt about THAT idea in a not-so subtle way, like she
always did.
The real question was, and always was, Ami. Even if she didn't love
Urawa, would she love Makoto? Makoto had no idea and no way to tell
what Ami would do. Considering who she was talking about, Ami probably
wasn't the type to say, "I hate you, you pervert!" and slam the door in
your face. More likely she would give her the can't-we-just-be-friends
talk. And in its own way, that would be infinitely more painful than
having a door slammed in her face.
Makoto didn't understand how you were supposed to be friends with
someone who had just ripped your heart out.
No, there were just too many risks, too many unknowns. There were so
many more reasons not to confess her love to Ami than to do it. Love
was just not Makoto's thing. She could not allow it to become her
weakness.
-----
When our time was over
The night was just beginning
And I regret not staying 'til the end
-----
That one thought kept coming back to Makoto: she didn't belong here.
She belonged back at her empty apartment, all alone. She was just too
happy here with Ami for her own good. So she had to leave.
KRAKK!
The dark room was briefly illuminated. It seemed the storm was starting
up again. Makoto sighed. Some days it was always waiting for her, like
it had been when she arrived here.
Moving gently and carefully, she eased herself out of Ami's semi-embrace
and left the couch. Ami slept on, her head resting against the cushion
behind her. Makoto breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't fancy the
idea of explaining herself to the blue-haired girl.
She walked over to where she had left her green umbrella earlier that
day. Well, technically it was yesterday. She read the display on the
digital clock on the wall, and the red numbers said 2 a.m. Anyway, the
umbrella was mostly dry now.
Another clap of thunder sounded outside. Ami stirred a little and was
silent again. Makoto looked out the window and realized the rain was
heavier than she originally thought. The umbrella just wouldn't be
enough. She walked over to the closet and found a blue raincoat. It
was too big to be Ami's, so it had to be her mother's. That was good,
because Makoto wore a larger size than Ami anyway.
Putting the coat on, she felt a little guilty about taking it without
asking. But she figured Ami would understand, given the weather, and
wherever Mizuno-san was, it wouldn't do her any good. Besides, she
could always give it back to Ami at the next study group.
Makoto looked in the mirror for a minute. 'Does this whole family have
some kind of thing about blue?' she asked herself, and laughed silently.
She was all set to go when she was struck by a stupid impulse. She
stood there for a minute, holding the umbrella, unsure of what to do.
But Ami was asleep, her mind said to her. She wouldn't notice, and when
would she ever get this opportunity again?
Makoto hesitated for a moment longer, but finally walked over to the
couch where the blue-haired girl was sleeping. She bent down slowly,
not even breathing, leaned forward, and planted a small kiss on Ami's
forehead.
"Mmmmm..." Ami murmured, turning slightly.
Makoto stepped back quickly, afraid she'd woken the other girl up. But
Ami just shifted a little more and was silent again.
Makoto exhaled and quietly made her way to the door. Just as she was
about to open it, another clap of thunder sounded. She waited until it
passed, afraid to let the noise in and wake Ami. Finally, when there
was silence again except for the pouring rain, she opened the door and
slipped out into the night.
The Mizunos' living room was silent again, until Ami said something in
her sleep.
"Mako-chan..."
-----
Now I am
Watching the rain through a foggy glass
In my darkened room, I wait for it to pass
And all I can do is think about you
Walking down the streets in a raincoat blue
That's all I can do
-----
Awareness bubbled up in the back of Ami's mind like Shabon Spray. With
a sudden jerk, she found her face flat down on the cushion of the couch,
which she had expected to be occupied.
"Huh? What? Mako-chan?"
But Makoto was nowhere to be seen. Ami wiped the sleep from here eyes
and looked around the house. No one was there, not Makoto and not her
mother, either. She sighed. She hated it when her mother had to work
the night shift at the hospital. Sometimes she didn't get home until
ridiculous hours of the morning, and Ami felt so alone.
Probably the way Makoto felt all the time, Ami realized sadly. She
truly envied the other girl's strength. She doubted if she would have
lasted a month in Makoto's shoes.
Ami walked to a window that had been fogged by the rain. She cleared
the fog away with her hand and looked outside. The rain was coming down
strong, and the thunder was loud. Where had Makoto gone? She couldn't
have preferred the stormy night to the warm house. Something must have
been wrong.
'Was it because of me that she left?' Ami asked herself. 'Did I do
something wrong?'
She remembered how Makoto had acted earlier. It was strange, for her.
Usually she was the one giving the shoulder to lean on, not receiving
it. Maybe the other girl had felt weak? Ami was saddened that she may
actually have hurt her friend by trying to help her.
She had to find Makoto. There was just too much she needed to say.
Ami picked up the phone and called Makoto's apartment, but there was no
answer. The brunette must not have gotten home yet, because she rarely
slept on nights like this. She had told Ami that on another rainy night
many months ago.
The clock said it was 2:17 a.m. Public transportation wouldn't be open
at this hour. And if Makoto wasn't at home, that meant she had left on
foot, and not very long ago. Ami's suspicions were given further merit
when she noticed her mother's blue raincoat missing. Makoto must have
borrowed it when she left.
It wasn't a very long walk from here to Makoto's apartment, but it
wasn't exactly short, either. And there were many ways she could have
gone. But that didn't matter. She had to find the other girl.
Ami didn't have an umbrella, but she did have a blue raincoat of her
own. She put it on as fast as she could, opened the door, and stepped
out into the storm. She would just have to take her best guess which
way Makoto went, and hope she got lucky.
-----
When our time was over
The night was just beginning
And I regret not staying 'til the end
I never would have said goodbye if I had known
If I'd thought this night would leave me all alone
But if we find each other, it'll be all right
In your arms and mine we can still brave the night
-----
It was amazing how many faces of a place you could see if only you were
looking for them.
Tokyo was one of the largest and most populous cities in the world, and
there was usually lots of activity all over the city. The Juuban
district was no exception. But on a night like this, moving into the
early hours of Saturday morning, the parties were over and the night
life had gone home for the night.
It was another one of those rainy nights no one really likes living
through or talking about, and most people just try to weather them the
best they can so they can return to their normal lives.
The life of Makoto Kino, a.k.a. Sailor Jupiter, however, was far from
normal, even on good days. She lived the life other people only visited
every now and then. There was no reprieve coming her way, no normal
life to go back to once the crisis had been averted. The life of a
Sailor Senshi was one continuous crisis. It just came in chapters.
The rain had died down, and the thunder had quieted to a distant rumble.
Makoto had put her umbrella away. The rain that fell was light, and the
early morning air was cold. The wind and rain felt cool and refreshing
on her face, and they were a nice distraction from the chaos ruminating
in her mind.
There was always the chance the storm could come back, stronger than
before, but she wasn't afraid of it. She had no ties, no bonds to hold
her down and make her weak. Whatever came at her, she would face it
with everything she had.
That went for anyone looking to jump out of a dark alley, too. They
couldn't possibly make a worse mistake than picking Makoto Kino to screw
with. 'Bring it on!' she called out to her phantom aggressors.
The neon lights from the stores had mostly been shut off for the night,
but a few still cast their occult illumination down to the street. The
biggest source of light was the street lamps. Makoto passed in and out
of their glare as she walked.
There was steam rising from the street and the sewer ducts, too. All in
all, the streets of Juuban looked vaguely like something out of a
fantasy movie.
Makoto had timed herself once. It was about a half-hour's walk from
Ami's to her place. It was about 20 minutes since she had left there,
and she was making a good pace, being in good shape from her daily
exercises. But part of her wanted to stay out a little longer, take in
the scenery, a face of the busy city she rarely saw. Another part said
that wasn't a good idea.
She didn't know who or what she was running away from.
-----
I've been wondering
Have you been thinking about me?
'Cause I've been thinking about us
And I think we were over too soon
-----
Ami was running. She knew she wasn't nearly as in shape as Makoto, but
her time as Sailor Mercury had done good things for her condition. If
not for that, she probably would have collapsed a while back. But she
kept going.
As she ran, the rational part of her brain asked what the hell she was
doing. Running into what? For what? Why was it so important that she
find Makoto, and even if she did, what would she say to her? What was
the rationale behind running off into the elements like a complete idiot
after someone you might not be able to find in the first place?
She knew why. Things that should have been said before had not been
said, and things that should not have been done had been done. If she
didn't find Makoto quickly and explain things, the nature of their
relationship could change forever, and not for the better.
What she would say...that was another question. Ami might have been
great at explaining things or debate, but this was another thing
altogether, and something she didn't have much experience in. She
didn't know what to say except exactly what she felt, and that might not
be the smartest thing she could do.
'What made you decide to leave all of a sudden? Oh please, Mako-chan,
don't say it was me...'
What if Makoto simply hadn't wanted to be around her any more? Could
she be running into an even bigger rejection? No, that couldn't be
right, Makoto wasn't the type to keep things to herself. If she didn't
like you, she would let you know in no uncertain terms. So what was it
then? For all her book smarts, Ami had no idea.
It had to have been about ten minutes since she had left home, and she
hadn't seen any sign of Makoto. That wasn't surprising, since the other
girl had started off a lot earlier. But if she was going the right way,
she had to be catching up to the brunette. She recognized where she
was; it wasn't that far from Makoto's apartment. But it was important
to find her before she got there.
Finally the exhaustion of running full speed for several minutes caught
up to Ami, and she had to stop and rest against a street lamp. She was
breathing heavily and her muscles ached. She looked around, trying to
get a sense of her position. The cool rain and the steam from the
street slightly obscured her vision, but in the distance she could make
out someone walking away from her.
Ami strained her eyes, but the person was too far away to see, until
they walked into the light from a street lamp. She could just barely
make out that it was a woman...with brown hair tied in a ponytail!
"Mako-chan," she coughed, but she was still out of breath. She called
out again, using all the air in her lungs. "Mako-chan!"
-----
Somewhere
Under the curtain of the midnight air
Beneath the halo of a street lamp's glare
Behind the smokescreen of a sewer vent
I'm still wondering where you went
And I'm spent
-----
"Mako-chan!"
Makoto heard a desperate, exhausted voice call out her name. She turned
and looked behind her, only to see a familiar form a few meters down the
street.
'No way,' she thought. 'She didn't really come all the way over here,
did she?'
Makoto jogged over to the other girl, and to her astonishment, it really
was Ami.
"Ami?" she said, struck dumb at seeing the water Senshi here.
"H-hi," Ami coughed. She was obviously having trouble saying anything
at all, she was so exhausted from her long run.
Makoto wanted to say something, but her jaw just hung open, then snapped
back into place. The words died in her throat, and she stuttered,
trying to find the right word and not being able to. Ami couldn't be
here. She couldn't have followed her all this way. It had to have been
miles. It violated the laws of physics, as Ami might have said.
But clearly the laws of physics had been repealed, because there she
was. Not only that, but it was Ami who was doing all the talking.
"I...hoped I'd...find you...before...you got...home," she said, still
heaving.
"You-you-you just followed me?" Makoto said.
"Y-yes..."
Makoto looked away. It had to have been because she had left without
saying anything. Gods, that was rude of her! And insensitive! What
was Ami supposed to think? That she'd been kidnaped? Well, Ami would
have figured it out-and obviously she had-but it was still a mean
thing to do. The blue-haired girl must have thought Makoto hated her.
But it wasn't true...
"Why?" was all Makoto could say, not looking her friend in the eye.
"I...was worried about you..." Ami said. This time her hesitation was
due to uncertainty instead of exhaustion.
Makoto sighed sadly. "I guess you had a right to be. I...I should have
said something instead of leaving you there to worry about me. It was
stupid."
The sad, self-abusive tone of the brunette's voice scared Ami. She
could see that Makoto was honestly ashamed of what she had done, and was
blowing it out of proportion in her mind. Ami got up from her leaning
position and walked over to the other girl.
"Relax, Mako-chan," she said, taking Makoto's arm in her hands. "I know
you're all right now..."
Makoto twisted out of Ami's grip and walked a few steps away. "No, it's
not all right. I...I don't know what I was doing. I was a jerk, I
guess." She sighed again, and started to walk away.
'That's not true,' she told herself. 'I knew perfectly well what I was
doing. Running away from my feelings. I could never say what I really
feel. I'm just too weak, or something...'
Aloud she said, "I'll understand if you're angry or sad, or you hate me
or something."
Ami's heart pounded in her chest. She was losing Makoto all over again,
and the way the brunette was acting, maybe forever. She had to say it
now, or she might never get another chance.
"Wait! Makoto, stop! I don't hate you!"
The lightning Senshi continued walking.
"I love you!" She stopped. Ami walked over to her. "I love you,
Makoto...why do you think I followed you? If I hated you, I would have
let you go."
"You-you what?" Makoto stammered. She was shocked. Ami was perhaps the
last person, other than herself, she expected to hear say those words.
But Ami must have mistaken her expression for one of horror, because her
blue eyes started welling up with tears.
"Oh no," Ami cried. "I shouldn't have said that...you must think I'm a
freak or something."
The blue-haired girl cried, and turned to run away herself.
"No, Ami, don't go!" Makoto shouted. "I..." It was all or nothing now.
"I love you too!"
Ami sniffled. "R-really?"
"Yes," Makoto said. "That's why I left. I was ashamed of myself for
loving you, and I was afraid to admit it. I thought-I thought you'd
think it was wrong."
Ami sniffled again, and caught Makoto off guard by suddenly catching her
in an intense embrace. "Oh, Mako-chan!" she said. Makoto, after a
stunned second, returned the gesture. For a while, neither spoke; they
held each other and cried silently.
"I guess we were both afraid of the same thing," Ami said at length,
sobbing into the taller girl's shoulder.
Makoto stroked Ami's soft, blue hair. "Yeah...I guess we were."
"But there was something else, wasn't there?" Ami asked.
"Yes," Makoto admitted. "I was afraid...I was afraid that being in love
with another girl made me weak. Or maybe that everyone else would think
I was weak."
"Well, I'm not Minako," Ami said, still clinging to the other girl.
"But I know that love doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong. It
makes all of us strong. And we make each other strong..."
They looked into each other's eyes, and brought their lips together for
the first time. The power of the kiss was so overwhelming that Makoto
felt like she was being burned, but at the same time the energy of the
powerful flame was flowing inexhaustibly into her. The serene beauty of
the water Senshi, the taste of her lips, the release of feelings that
had long haunted her days and dreams...it was empowering.
As if to voice its displeasure, the storm began to rage again at that
very moment. The cold water rained down and splashed the two girls'
faces, but they were too lost to notice.
After what seemed like ages, their lips finally parted, and their eyes
met once more, this time unclouded by false hopes and jaded desires.
Ami watched the raindrops bounce off of Makoto's face, and giggled to
herself.
"I guess we can't stay here all night," she said.
"Your place or mine?" Makoto asked, smirking.
Ami laughed again. "Yours. We're not that far from it, are we?"
"You know, we're not!"
Makoto opened her green umbrella again, holding her newfound love close
beneath it. Ami peacefully snuggled up to her warm body, and she cried
out in triumph inside. She had defeated all the odds against her, both
internal and external, and she had realized the truth about herself and
the blue-haired girl. Ami was her strength, not her weakness. And she
pitied any dark night or thundering storm that tried to test how
powerful her love was.
She was strong, she was strong.
-----
I never would have said goodbye if I had known
If I'd thought this night would leave me all alone
But if we find each other, it'll be all right
In your arms and mine we can still brave the night
End.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Brave the Night" copyright 2001.
Lyrics reprinted with permission.
Co-written by "Evil Eric" Sharp and EASTside Four,
Jen Austin and Saturn's Nine.
Back to Sailor Moon Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction