Bloodlines
"Don't call me daughter, not fair to me."
-Pearl Jam
I see her cry, and I want to run to her. I want to hold her, to let her
know there is one who understands her better than she could imagine.
I see her laugh, and I want to join in her laughter. Her moments of
true happiness are rarer than she would ever let the rest of them know.
But I know them when I see them, and they make me feel like my station
in life, which would kill most and drive the rest insane, isn't really
so bad after all.
After all, I am still the only one who saw her born, saw her die, saw
her born again, and grow into a beautiful young woman. And I will be
around when she makes her dreams come true, when she becomes the center
of the greatest thing anyone has ever done.
We are all immortal...but as experience has taught me, there are many
degrees of immortality.
For better or worse, I happen to live at one of the highest. I will
always be near her, always next to her, but never with her. And that
only serves to remind me of what I have lost, and what she will never
know. In a thousand years, she will never know. And in a thousand
years, I will still be merely a spectator of her life. I will never be
a part of it.
What is a thousand years to me? What is all of time? Hah, I *am* time.
Yet I am also flesh and blood. And she...she is flesh of my flesh, and
blood of my blood. And she will never know.
Tsukino Usagi...Sailor Moon...Princess Serenity...she will never know.
-----
Setsuna stood at the top stair of the Hikawa shrine. It was late, and
the sky was painted beautifully with hues of orange and red. A cool,
steady breeze ruffled her long, green hair. The shrine had seen its
share of sunsets, and so had she. But she wasn't here to watch the sun
go down.
Many had passed under the stone arch in search of hope and inspiration.
She wasn't here for that, either. Having lived as long as she had, she
really had no place in her life for religion. The uncertainty that led
many to take leaps of faith and put their trust in spiritual institution
was just not something she experienced. After all, who else could say
with any certainty what the world would be like in a thousand years?
Many more had come this way to stare at the alluring priestess who
prayed and studied here. And though that was also not Setsuna's purpose
here, it was what she was doing at the present moment.
"You baka!" Rei screeched at Usagi, off in the distance. "Look what you
did to that vase! Grandpa made that when he was younger than me! Now
it's totally wrecked!"
The pigtailed blonde bawled miserably. "I'm s-sorry, R-Rei-chan! I
didn't mean t-to!"
As Setsuna watched, the anger in Rei's face faded as quickly as it had
appeared, and her expression mirrored Usagi's. The look of absolute
dejection in Rei's eyes was shocking.
Wrapping her princess in her arms, Rei quieted the other girl. "Hey,
relax, it's OK...it's OK."
Usagi sniffled, and looked up at Rei with tears still in her eyes. And
on Rei's face, Setsuna saw a look that had once adorned her own, many
thousands of years ago. And Usagi reflected a look she remembered
staring back at her: a look that knew more than it dared reveal, and
pitied its viewer for what it knew.
At this moment, Rei and Usagi both knew the very thing that plagued
Setsuna's existence: that there is a way things must be, a way things
could have been, and a way we wish things had turned out...and that
these three ways were rarely the same, and almost never compatible.
Setsuna had given up on her own happiness long ago. She'd had her
moment of it, and it had been all she ever could have hoped for. But
that moment had gone, and she would never be able to relive it. She
would always be grateful for it, and always treasure it, but she would
always live in its shadow.
What she lived for now, not because she had to, but because she *wanted*
to, was Usagi's happiness.
What would make Setsuna happy and what would make Usagi happy were two
different things. So Setsuna's greatest joy was also her greatest
torture.
When she saw the hopelessness and despair in Usagi's eyes that she saw
now, she wanted to run to the future princess and hold her like Rei was.
She wanted to tell the girl that there were people who cared about her
more than she could imagine, people to whom she was more important than
she knew she could be. People closer to her than they could say.
Usagi wiped the tears from her eyes and stared into Rei's. What she saw
was only forgiveness.
"You're not m-mad at me?" she asked.
Rei sighed. "I was...but I overreacted. I'm sorry, Usagi."
The two of them embraced each other, and Setsuna breathed slowly as she
watched. She turned and descended the steps of the shrine.
Maybe there was hope, after all.
Maybe there would be...someday.
-----
"Chibi-Usa!"
"Hotaru!"
Pink met purple in a friendly embrace as the two youngest Senshi held
each other. From the couch, Haruka smirked at Michiru, giving a
suggestive nod toward the two little girls. Michiru rolled her eyes and
groaned.
"So, what do you want to do first?" asked Hotaru.
"I don't know...anything good on T-" Chibi-Usa began, but was cut off by
the sound of Usagi clearing her throat.
"You know, you *could* thank me for getting Mamo-chan to drive you here,
runt," Usagi said.
"Yeah, right," Chibi-Usa mocked. "You just wanted an excuse to be alone
with him in the car on the way back."
"OOH!"
Just then, the sound of coughing from outside drew their attention. The
engine of Mamoru's car was smoking, and the fumes were leaking into the
cabin. He got out in a fit of coughs and opened the hood. More smoke
blew into his face.
"Oh, kami...not now!" he said.
"Problem?" asked Haruka, eager to show off her automotive knowledge.
"Looks like it's overheating," said Mamoru, blowing the smoke out of his
face.
The sandy blonde walked out the door and took a look at the engine. She
rubbed her chin.
"Nothing we can't fix," Haruka grinned.
"I'd rather take it to a mechanic," Mamoru said.
Haruka rolled her eyes. "And blow thousands of yen? Get real, Mamo-
chan." Usagi got a disgruntled look on her face as Haruka used her pet
name for her boyfriend. "I've got tools in the garage, working together
we can fix it ourselves."
"How long will that take?"
"Hmmm...hour, maybe. Or two." Haruka was obviously far from sorry for
the delay.
Mamoru groaned. He turned back to Usagi. "I guess we're going to be
stuck here for a while, Usako. You might as well make yourself at home,
or at least find something to do."
Usagi didn't find the idea appealing, and vocalized her displeasure the
way she always did. But in the end, she knew he was right, and they
would be at the Outers' mansion for a long time.
Chibi-Usa and Hotaru had already gone up to Hotaru's room, and Usagi
could hear the two of them giggling like mad. From outside, the sounds
of an overconfident Haruka trying to guide a clueless Mamoru through his
first car repair could be heard. Even Michiru was occupied with her
violin practice, but at least *that* was pleasant to listen to. After
all, there wasn't anything on TV. So Usagi was forced to sit there on
the couch, trying to pass the time as best she could with all the noise.
After a while, the sound of something else snapped her out of her trance
abruptly. It was the sound of a door slamming, followed by loud, uneven
footsteps heading down the stairs. Usagi looked up, and what she saw
shocked her. It was Setsuna, but it didn't look like any Setsuna she'd
ever seen. The Senshi of Time's dark green hair was tangled and matted,
her eyes were half-closed and bloodshot, she staggered when she walked,
and her hands groped for anything in their way.
For a moment Usagi was afraid someone had beaten her up...then she
realized Setsuna reeked of sake.
That was just too weird an idea...the great, stoic Sailor Pluto, drunk?
"Set...Setsuna-san?"
"Who is it? Oof!"
Setsuna lost her footing and tripped. Fortunately she was only on the
third stair from the bottom, so it wasn't a long fall. Still, Usagi
shrieked and ran over to help the older woman to her feet.
"What happened to you, Setsuna-san?" Usagi asked, putting her arm under
Setsuna's.
"Usagi?" Setsuna said, breathing alcohol into Usagi's face. "Is that
you?"
Usagi noticed the lack of a title when Setsuna said her name, something
she usually only heard from Rei. It made her pause for a moment, but
then it was forgotten.
"Yes, it's me," she said. "What happened to you?"
Setsuna shook her head and tried to hide a cruel smile. "Had to f'rget.
Want'd to...f'rget..."
"Forget what?"
"She'll nev'r know..."
"Huh? Who'll never know? Know what?"
"Nuthin'...f'rget I said ‘nything."
Usagi led the older woman to the couch and sat her down, where her head
wobbled on her shoulders. She grabbed Setsuna's hand with both of hers.
"Are you sure you're OK, Setsuna-san?"
Setsuna shook the cobwebs out of her head and looked the future princess
in the eyes. "Fine. I'll...be fine." Then she looked at Usagi with an
expression she had never given anyone before, and one Usagi had never
seen before: one of haunted, painful longing. And knowledge that was
heavy to bear.
Setsuna reached up with her other hand and stroked Usagi's cheek. "You
have your mother's eyes, you know..."
"You mean Ikuko-mama?" Usagi asked, confused.
"Nooooo...I mean your real mother...Queen Serenity." These last two
words were croaked out almost painfully.
Usagi didn't know what to say. She had never seen Setsuna act like
this, and she had never seen the Time Senshi voluntarily offer any
information about the past that wasn't absolutely necessary.
"I've always been with you, you know," Setsuna continued. "Since before
you were born...since you became Sailor Moon...and I'll be around even
in Crystal Tokyo."
Setsuna reversed Usagi's grip, and held the younger girl's hands in her
own.
"I'll always be there, if you ever need me, Usagi."
"Umm, that's nice of you," Usagi said, unsure of how to react and more
than a little scared now.
"Just like I was there for Queen Serenity," Setsuna said sadly. Then
she looked down at her lap and chuckled. "Do you know what happened to
King Serenity?"
Usagi shook her head nervously.
"Oh, I could tell you that," Setsuna crooned. "I know why...I know so
much! So much, the things I know, you wouldn't believe." She brought
her head closer to Usagi's, and whispered in the younger girl's ear. "I
could tell you everything...all you have to do is ask..."
"I...I..."
Before Usagi could answer, or even think about how, she was pulled out
of one awkward situation and put into another. Haruka and Mamoru, both
covered in oil stains, walked through the front door, only to see the
two of them sitting on the couch in a rather suggestive position.
Mamoru said, "Usagi, what's going on here?" while Haruka said, "Setsuna,
what's going on here?"
And Usagi found herself in a position she put Mamoru in a lot. "Mamo-
chan, Haruka-san...I can explain!"
Setsuna moaned and fell over sideways on the couch.
-----
Stupid, stupid, stupid! I almost told her everything, right there. And
not even for a good reason other than I was drunk. A little bit (well,
not exactly a *little* bit) of sake, and I was ready to betray the one I
had loved for so long? What was wrong with me?!
I don't remember exactly what Usagi said to the others, or what I said.
But I do remember Haruka grilling me. I guess she wanted to know if I
was...well, like her...not to mention my intentions toward the Moon
Princess. Really, I think she was just jealous of my perceived advances
on "her territory."
I couldn't tell her the whole story. But I couldn't lie either. So I
told her the truth...just not all of it. Yes, I did love Usagi. Just
not in *that* way.
Haruka asked me *what* way, then. I wouldn't answer her. All I would
let her know was that my intentions were more honorable, and I was more
entitled to them, than she could possibly imagine. End of story.
Sigh. It hasn't been easy keeping all of this to myself for so long,
especially when things like this happen. Believe me, I've wanted to run
out of the house and scream it for all to hear, but I can't. I can't,
because of a promise I made thousands of years ago. A promise to the
one I loved, the one whose memory I still treasure to this very day.
I swore to honor her wishes in death just as I honored her in life, and
so I have done. So I will continue to do.
-----
"Promise me something," said Queen Serenity, holding the newborn little
girl in her arms.
"Anything," said Pluto, waiting by her side.
Serenity sighed and quieted the crying baby. "Don't tell our daughter
about us...please."
Pluto wasn't sure if she was sincere or joking. "What? Are you
serious?"
Serenity nodded sadly. Pluto stood up and addressed her beloved with
more anger in her voice than she was used to.
"Why should she not know? That isn't fair to me! Are you that ashamed
of being with me?"
Chibi-Usagi began to cry again. The sound drained the anger from Pluto
as Serenity rocked the child to sleep.
"Of course I'm not ashamed," said Serenity. "I love you, Pluto. You
know I love you. But...she would not understand. Even before her birth
she was promised to the Prince of Earth. She could not know how you
saved me, brought me back from death after the king passed away...how I
fell in love all over again..."
Pluto felt her right to be furious slipping away. "I see...you don't
believe she could know what it was like, not having lived through it
herself."
Serenity nodded. "She must always think she is the child of King
Serenity. I can't begin to picture how she would react if she knew the
true circumstances behind her birth, how her mother was treacherous to
the memory of her first love..."
Pluto felt her emotions stir again, but this time there was only defeat.
For so long, fate had forced her to watch her true love find happiness
in the arms of another, all the while knowing exactly how Pluto had felt
about her. Then the tides had turned, and fate had chosen to take King
Serenity from them. And in the months and years that followed, she had
given the queen something new to live for. It was her greatest joy, but
it was tainted by the knowledge she was cursed to have forever.
She knew her moment of happiness would soon be over. And she knew what
followed would be years upon years of emptiness. And she knew that a
fire still burned somewhere in the queen's heart for her lost love.
Even if her love for Pluto was just as great, and just as real, the loss
would haunt Queen Serenity as long as she lived.
Absence seemed to have a way of making martyrs out of everyone.
"So, she will never know."
"You know the future as well as I," said the Queen. "Our world will be
destroyed, and I will die. You will be safe at the Gates. She, and the
rest of them, will be sent to Earth and reborn. This is how it will be,
and how it must be."
"But how will I be able to keep the secret while we are so close to each
other?"
"You must find a way. Promise me this, Pluto. Please promise me."
A single tear fell from Pluto's eye. She could never say no to her
queen.
"Very well...if this is truly what you wish, I will promise you," she
said.
Serenity motioned for the other woman to come to her, and they kissed.
"I'm sorry," Serenity said.
"So am I," Pluto replied.
-----
She was right, of course. She was always right. That fateful day, I
was forced to guard the gates from attackers while the Dark Kingdom
destroyed the Silver Millennium. I swore I would use every particle of
my power to stop it from happening, but there are some things that just
cannot be avoided.
I don't regret what I did, or what happened to me. But I do sometimes
regret the way I've handled it.
The wheels of time have a way of moving in spirals, and I can sense them
doing it even now. What happened, I know was for the best, but I do
wonder sometimes if anyone really came out of it happy. And if it is to
happen again, I fear for those who are closest to me.
Sometimes all I want to know is...why? Why do things happen the way
they do? Why couldn't they have been another way? And why do some have
to wish they had?
Times like that make me wish I could be religious, like the people who
visit Rei's shrine. It would suit me perfectly to forget time and fate
and the Gates and everything else. I have all the answers, but I don't
want them, and they don't do a thing for me.
Sometimes it's almost enough to make me give up hope.
But then there's days like those, when I see Usagi and Rei acting out
the same parts my Serenity and I played so long ago. Those days before
my one moment of happiness. And I'm afraid of what might happen, but I
have something to wish for, too.
Usagi...maybe, maybe someday, she will know.
And then I have hope.
End.
-----
Author's notes:
God, and I'd been hoping I could write an angst-free Setsuna fic. I
really do feel bad about torturing her so much. I wanted to write a
story where she got what she desired most, and look what it turned into.
*sigh* Oh well. This just seemed to flow from that idea naturally.
Maybe it has something to do with the unenviable nature of her life.
Poor Suna-chan...now I've depressed myself again.
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