*I am no Superman *I have no answers for you *I am no hero, that's for sure *But I do know one thing for sure *Is where you are, is where I belong *I do know, where you go is where I want to be The words from the radio washed over Makoto as she sat. A flash of lightning lit the skyline outside of her window and erased her reflection. Other than the green and red lights from the stereo, nothing illuminated the room. Behind her, the phone waited quietly. Thinking brought no solutions; dwelling brought only pain. Staring at the rain falling on the window served as a reasonable facsimile for the oblivion that would eliminate worry, or so she hoped. She knew, though, deep down, that worry resided in the heart, not the head, and that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't shut down your heart. Not for long anyway. Such a difference a day could make. One step taken more quickly, one moment seized more forcefully, one less distraction or pointless delay...and all would have been different. Instead, she'd gone from the edge of the precipice to the depths of the abyss, not in a single step, but with a single step never taken. If she called, she'd never know if the call would have come on its own. If she called, it would mean a lack of trust, of faith, in a promise made. If she called, vague fears and uncertainty might be given form and made real. And so, the phone waited. Uneaten cookies lay on plates as pristine and clean as the floor below. Tables and shelves sparkled. Cooking, cleaning, the normal paths of escape, now exposed as frauds, unable to provide solace in the hour of utmost need. The refuge of extreme femininity was as barren and cold as the rain-swept streets below. *Are you looking for answers *to questions under the stars? *If along the way, you are growing weary, *you can rest with me until a brighter day *It's okay How long had she known, really known, before she felt soft lips on her cheek, before she felt the connection in a glance, a smile? Days? Months? Years? Wind blowing through her hair, laden with asphalt and a soft perfume that smelled of the ocean, that wind and a soft scarf, the images almost overwhelmed her. Suspicions, fears, excitement, understanding, all leaping into existence in the back seat of a red convertible and at the side of a riverbank. Not a crush, just an understanding, a revelation, the first steps on the path to self-awareness. Years then since the creation of possibilities, the birth of potential. More images: soft hands holding a black cat, soft color washing over alabaster skin; a narrow alleyway, adrenaline pumping, and a sudden flash of white on white, lines and curves as perfect as the harmony of the spheres; a large room flashing with colors, enveloped with music, hands extending forward erasing loneliness and uncertainty. Like sand filling an hourglass, moments stacked against one another...exams prepared for, meals shared, battles fought. Like the tide erasing the shoreline, wearing away at doubts and fears slowly over the years. Beyond friendship, beyond loyalty, beyond any conception of the possibilities of love to love itself in all of its radiant glory. The feel of it swept through Makoto, making her shiver and draw her blanket more closely around her shoulders: the precipice which she had just gotten a glimpse of the night before. The precipice presupposed the abyss, however. Still it waited, ever silent. Did loving a woman mean she was less of a woman herself? Did a dream of a life without a man mean the end of the dream of being a bride, a wife, a mother? What did dreams mean anyway? What else were they, except the wish to love, and be loved in return. *Tell me where are you going? *Where do you go? *Where? *Let's go. If she didn't call, she'd never know. If she didn't call, she could be denying the one she loved what she might need the very most. If she didn't call, she was expressing a doubt that she did not have. She loved, and she was loved in return. There was nothing else. Turning, Makoto reached for the receiver. Before she could lift it, the phone rang. ---------------- The rain fell steadily, pinging off of the roof of the shrine with a comfortable rhythm. Rei enjoyed rainy evenings, if only because things were generally much quieter on such nights and it gave her time to herself. The last of her chores was long complete as she sat on a soft, red cushion sipping tea and occasionally jotting lyrics in a small notebook. It was true that on some occasions she envied her friends their experiences in college, especially Usagi and Minako who were truly in their element in the dorms. However, on a night like this, when they were stuck writing papers or studying dry textbooks, she reveled in her freedom. As it so typically did, Fate (or was it Irony?) chose that exact moment to chastise her for her arrogance. Rei heard the sound of the main door to the shrine opening slowly. Soft footsteps echoed as she set down her cup and pen and straightened her hair. Moving out into the large hall, she saw a young woman, quite bedraggled, kneeling on a pillow. The fires around the edges of the room cast long shadows, periodically obliterated by the flashes of lightning outside. She was no older than Rei, hair damp but still springing with a life and energy completely absent from the rest of her bearing. She reminded Rei of someone. Not in the hair, not in the dejection, but that subtle arc from waist to hip, the firm curve from the small of her back to her thighs, pressed against delicate ankles. Just in that, she could have been Usagi's twin. Shaking the familiar image out of her mind, Rei stepped forward, making enough noise to be heard, but not so much as to disturb. The woman turned and Rei started in amazement. "Naru-san? Is that you?" "Hai, Rei-san," Naru replied with a smile that almost touched her eyes. "I'm surprised you remember me, I don't think I've seen you since we did that play together. I didn't know you still worked here." Rei thought back, trying to recall when she'd last seen Usagi's friend. "I suppose it has been awhile. I saw you at that love contest with Umino, but I don't think we had a chance to talk." Unbidden memories of unwanted dances with some conjured jerk came to mind. Naru sighed sadly and nodded. "I remember." Moving closer, and recalling something Usagi had mentioned in passing the other night, Rei knelt down near the damp redhead. "Oh, Naru-san, I heard about Umino. I'm so sorry. Is that why you're here?" "She must have told you, huh?" Naru asked. "Yeah, she did." Rei wondered suddenly. Naru hadn't said her name. Rei knew all too well that she was the only one of their friends to omit the "chan" with Usagi. They'd never discussed it, it was just the way things were between the two of them. Usagi and Naru had been best friends, though, before Usagi had become a sailor soldier. While part of her was curious, Rei decided she'd rather not know. If Naru had similar questions, she did not express them. "I'm not really here because of him, though," she replied to Rei's earlier question. Rei waited patiently, sensing that she would continue when she was ready. "I haven't really been too upset about that, well since I talked to her about it," Naru added after the pause. Rei smiled, "She's good at cheering people up. It's one of her best qualities." So many memories could remind her of that, but they all resolved into a cozy glow that suffused her completely. "Yeah, it is. As opposed to punctuality," Naru joked. "Or scholastics," Rei added, giggling joyfully. Naru giggled as well and soon both women were laughing and smiling. The laughing soon ended, but that warm comfort now seemed to extend and surround both of them. Naru shifted so that she was sitting cross-legged, facing Rei. Once again, she paused, pondering her words. This time, Rei decided to take a more active approach to helping. "So, if you didn't come here because of him, may I ask what brings you out on such a miserable night?" Rei had great control of her voice and made it as welcoming and gentle as she could. "Have you ever loved someone, even though you knew deep down that you could never ever be with them, at least not in the way you hoped?" Naru asked suddenly. Lightning flashed, but not outside. Rei rocked back, staggered by the question, so simple and so damningly complicated. Memories and feelings long buried clamored to rise from their resting places, grasping at her with cold, dead hands. How could she answer such a question with anything other than the honest truth? "Yes, I have." Naru nodded, again smiling with lips only. "What did you do?" she asked. Her eyes locked onto Rei's and she seemed to see something there. "What do you do?" 'Bury it down. Remind myself that some things can never be. Take solace in the love freely offered and ignore the longings for the love you can never have. Work and pray and read and write and sing and do anything else but think of things that only make you ache inside.' Sometimes, though, the truth would not do. "You cannot control who you love, Naru-san. Nor can you control who loves you, or how they love you. All you can do is appreciate what you can have and try not to lose yourself in dreams of what cannot be." "Can it be wrong to love someone?" Naru leaned forward intently, obviously casting about for something to cling to. "No, Naru-san, I don't think it can ever be wrong to love someone," Rei answered solemnly. Quietly, she added, "She taught me that, too." Again, Naru nodded, apparently satisfied. "I don't really know why I came. I was just kind of walking around and I saw the sign and it just seemed like the right thing to do." Rei smiled, "I'm glad you did. It's always nice to see an old friend. Even if we didn't go to the same school, I feel as if I know you very well." Naru returned the smile, "Yeah, I feel that way, too. I'm glad I came, too. I don't know why, but I feel a little better." She shivered. "I guess I should go home and get out of these wet clothes." A breeze must have snuck in because a light shiver went down Rei's spine. "I hear you're working at your mom's jewelry store. We should try to get together some evening. Maybe the three of us can go shopping or something." "That sounds fun." Naru stood up and headed toward the door, trying not to drip too much. "Thanks, for listening and all." Rei nodded and waved away any notion that thanks were necessary, accompanying Naru to the door. As they got there, and Rei held it for her, Naru turned away, whispering something that Rei could only barely make out. "You know, I used to be jealous of you, but I think we've probably got a lot in common." Before Rei could grasp what she'd heard, let alone respond, Naru darted outside, trying without success to dodge the falling rain. Rei watched her go, more puzzled than she had been in quite awhile. The bells in a distant clocktower sounded and Rei realized that Minako and Usagi would be here soon. Notes were to be compared, progress reports given. The warmth that had lingered from before fled as she recalled the news she had to impart to her friends about that rat, Urawa. Forming ideas and plans on what they could do, she went to prepare some tea for her imminent guests. -------------------- Ami stared at the computer screen. She rationalized the size of the columns in her table, added a layer of thickness to the border around the outside, shaded the top row and leftmost column. She did everything but read what she'd written, everything but think about what it had meant. For some people, thoughts entered and left their heads at such a dizzying pace that it was impossible to keep up. For others, perhaps thoughts never entered in the first place; they simply lived by instincts and emotions. Ami, however, could not comprehend the concept of an 'empty head.' So much to consider, so much to review and analyze, it was only natural that she should use state of the art technology to organize herself. 'This computer is about 15 months past 'state of the art'', she thought in yet another brilliant diversionary tactic. Eventually, however, nothing remained but to get to it. It had started with simple text, stream of consciousness writing, capturing mostly questions and exclamations. "Why?" "Why today?" "Am I crazy?" "What gives her the right?" "Is she right?" Cathartic as they might be, such ramblings were not very conducive to systematic analysis, so Ami changed tactics: lists, bulleted and prioritized, summarizing the salient points, the timeline of recent events, identifying key issues and questions. *Studying at i.c.p *S.K. arrives, asks about M *Awareness of disharmony *U.R. arrives, then leaves *Visit to Rei, improvement *Dinner w/friends, improvement *School, test, normal *Dinner w/M ... do I? *Review of feelings...I think so *School, normal, anxious, might she? *Dinner w/M ... I do, she does *Call from Mother...return *QT Prep *QT...appointment..Why? Who??????????? With the issues identified, the timeline clarified, and the questions posed, Ami had proceeded along the natural lines of self-analysis: tables and charts, pros and cons, names and speculations. Who knew? Makoto, surely, but that was impossible. Rei? Maybe, but why would she tell? Usagi? Usagi was very perceptive, very nosy truth be told, but she wouldn't either, would she? Minako? There was no way. Who else was there who knew her, who might have guessed? Ami shook her head and decided to drop that line of inquiry for the moment. Maybe some distance would bring clarity or inspiration. Unfortunately, that left the more difficult issue. True, she had given it a cursory examination the other night, after she'd left Makoto with a soft kiss. Ami now realized that, in her excitement and anticipation, she'd failed to adequately consider all sides of the issue at hand. The very fact that she'd neglected to consider her mother's reaction amply demonstrated the depth of that failure. Failure was not a concept with which Ami was either familiar or comfortable. So, with a deep breath, she scrolled up to the list of factors for consideration. The more salient ones stood out for her perusal: external reactions (family, friends, society), impact on existing relationships (mom, dad, other senshi), potential risks (breakup, ostracization, unrequited feelings, condemnation), impact on future plans (normal life, social standing, children, professional/career), moral/ethical issues. The list went on and on. Some items were easily disposed of, others were far more sticky. Ami had reviewed her own philosophies and moral attitudes, honed primarily through lessons learned as a sailor soldier. Nothing she had seen, nothing she had fought for, nothing she had learned about either future or past led her to believe that there was anything inherently evil or wrong about loving someone of the same gender. True, there was a lingering discomfort with the notion, a low murmuring of guilt, but Ami had quickly identified that as the residual influence of popular culture and social stereotypes absorbed throughout her life. Ami was used to doing what she knew was right with little regard to what others thought. How easy would it have been for her to study less, to feign stupidity, to adopt a more genial persona, in order to make friends in school? How much better off was she for having waited to make friends on her own terms, friends like Usagi and Rei, Minako and especially Makoto? As the hours wore on, Ami became more and more certain that her feelings were not something to be ashamed of, nor something that would need to be 'cured.' More troublesome, though, was her mother's reaction. Ami had a tremendous amount of respect for her mother. True, she could be stern and demanding, but that was only because she wanted the best for Ami, because she wanted to help her avoid the kinds of mistakes that she herself had made. 'Mistakes like me' drifted to the surface before being squashed back down. Maybe her mother was right, maybe she was too young, maybe she could use some counseling. The very thought made Ami's heart twinge, almost bringing her to tears. How could something that made sense to her head cause her heart so much pain? Normally, Ami's head took precedence, unlike so many of her friends. It was a strength of hers, the ability to think clearly in any situation, to not allow herself to get swept up in a moment, but instead to retain a clarity of judgment. Why couldn't she do that now? As she scrolled up and down through her document, Ami realized that she might have reached the limits of what she could accomplish on her own. More than anything, she wished she could talk to Makoto. Makoto knew her, maybe better than Ami knew herself. Ami admitted ruefully that Makoto probably knew her emotions better than she herself did. Growing up alone had given her a depth of character and inner strength that Ami respected deeply. 'I should have called her, she's probably worried about me.' Somehow, though, she just couldn't bring herself to call. She'd reached tentatively for the phone more than once. What could she say, though? Ami felt as though, as long as she didn't speak with Makoto, then they both could linger in that moment, like in a stasis, eyes closed, lips moving forward... To see her, to speak with her again would take them out of the 'then' and put them into the 'now'. Ami picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number. ---------------------- "Hello? Ami-chan?" "No, Mako-chan, it's Rei." "Oh," Makoto didn't even try to hide her disappointment. "What's up? Is everything ok?" "Well, Ami-chan asked me to call you and let you know that she's ok." "Why didn't she call me herself?" "She didn't say exactly, just that she couldn't right now, but she didn't want you to worry about her. She said that everything will be ok." "What the hell does that mean?" Makoto didn't mean to yell at her friend, but couldn't really help herself. Fortunately, she knew Rei would understand. And, Rei did. "She said she needs to take care of some things. She also asked me to say something kind of specific. I'm not sure what it means, but she said you'd know." "What?" "She said, 'Tell her I promise that we'll finish our dinner properly.' Do you know what she means, Mako-chan?" Makoto smiled. She was still worried, of course, and more than a little confused, but that was enough. Enough to get her through the night, anyway. "I understand, Rei-chan. Thank you." "Mako-chan, are you busy tomorrow?" "I have class in the morning, but I'm free the rest of the day. Why?" "Would you want to stop by here in the afternoon, then? It's been awhile since we've spent some time together, one on one. Maybe we can trade gossip about Minako and your friend Kenjo!" "I know what you're up to, Rei-chan. I'm fine, but I'd love to see you. I'll come by around lunchtime. Now, I think I need to get to bed." "Great, see you tomorrow then. Bye!" ---- "Ok, I'm going to have lunch with her tomorrow. I'll fill her in on 'you know what'." "Great, and I'll take care of Ami in the morning." "It's not fair, you two get to do everything and I'm stuck in class all day." "Don't you have a date tomorrow night? I'm sure that you'll need most of the afternoon to get ready..." "Oooooooo, you're one to talk. How many hours a day do you spend putting up those meatballs! You'd better not spy on us again, either!" And so it went....
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