One Last Gamble
I was a very good observer.
If I wanted to pride myself with any special skills acquired
throughout the years - or millennia - it was my perception ability. An
ability vital to both my occupation as well as the role assigned to me
in it. Especially in the midst of a battle, a sharp mind that could
pick up tiny details seemingly unimportant and to process them all to
form a plan of action on the fly, not based on long calculations but
instinct alone, such a mindset was very helpful.
And yet, I sometimes really hated it when it was involuntarily
applied to social, non-crisis circumstances. I knew a lot of things
that went on around me. About some of the little, mostly harmless,
secrets kept, what bugged one of them. I HAD TO know this sort of
thing. I was their leader after all, and a leader who did not know
about these things and thus could not include this knowledge in
decisions was going to fail fast and hard, usually dragging down those
that he or she was supposed to lead.
I hid it well, of course, under a mask of cheerful, bubbly
happiness, not a care in the world, a mask that had taken long to
construct and even longer to master. Once so easy, once a natural
state, before Artemis, before my awakening, before my true self
emerged. Just a happy, little, normal schoolgirl. A bit boy-crazy and
not all too good in school unless it came down to PE and a few other
things. A lie. I knew. But a lie I sometimes longed to return to, just
for the sake of breaking out from the path of melancholy my life had
taken, once again. It would have been so much easier to be blissfully
unaware, then knowing the bitter, frustrating truth.
The party had not at all "winded down", just merely entered its
"let's all have our fun together" instead of "we are here to celebrate
<insert name>'s birthday". Not the cluster around one person, the
actual focus of the evening, anymore. Now there were the familiar
groups clustered together, sometimes straying to interact, mostly
keeping to themselves. Not because there was any resentment in
spending time with someone else but simply because that was how it
was. Haruka and Michiru, Ami and Makoto subtly moving towards each
other - not so subtly for me, mind you. Rei was keeping a little to
herself, just as Setsuna was, both occasionally joining their
respective circle, just as I would usually. And of course there was
THEM.
I had seen her slipping away almost instantly, standing a little
to the side of the bustling activity. No one noticed. They usually
didn't. I wondered if any of us truly understood her in the first
place, what was really going on inside the young child-adult whose
birthday we were celebrating today. Heck, no one had really bothered
to even ask her how old she was now. It could have been answered in at
least three different ways, with three different results. I was
certain of that.
She didn't like big, noisy events like that. That much I had
been able to piece together. Not that she totally disapproved but she
was the quiet type and preferred that quiet which wasn't all too
surprising seeing as she was the Senshi of SILENCE. Hotaru was a
rather private person, even after her rebirth, the typical domination
by her alter ego that neither of us could really deny was there, even
if we tried denying it often enough, clinging to the notion that our
Senshi selves were the secret identity, not our everyday selves.
And so, unnoticed as always, she slipped out of the room. But
not before glancing up for a moment, purple eyes locking with my own,
KNOWING that I was watching, and making me flinch from the emotions
playing inside them for just a fleeting moment. Then she was gone,
leaving the laughing and joking rest of the group behind to enjoy
themselves, to enjoy their private time, mostly with their loved one.
Which was the real problem here. A problem that I couldn't just
SOLVE, because I doubted there was a SOLUTION. Maybe there wasn't even
meant to be one. As saddening as that sounded.
I cursed myself for turning my gaze away from the empty doorway,
back to the room full of quiet talking, excited laughter, happy
smiles, enjoyment, affection... love. Back to them, at the center of
it all, back to HER. It was visible hard to keep the mask in place, it
became harder and harder over time, and frankly I wasn't deluding
myself in believing that it was good enough anymore. Little by little
the mask had crumbled away. Some like Setsuna noticed, I think. Some
just wondered over the change but didn't make the connection, would
probably balk at the connection. The carefree, bubbly party girl was
still there but these days I was more often Venus, leader of the
Senshi, not finding the strength any longer to keep up the charade,
not caring whether or not someone SAW.
There she was, smiling, absorbed in her prince, her beloved,
happy as she should be, practically glowing. A glow that was like a
sun, almost painful to look at. And just like the sun that you
couldn't look at directly without going blind, she appeared to me,
always a little brighter, a little less unreachable she seemed to me.
Our Princess, our hope, our savior...
My eternal, ONE-SIDED love.
CHIBA Tsukino Usagi. Princess Serenity, wife of Prince Endymion.
Unreachable forever.
I wasn't dating anymore. I haven't even tried since our return
from the cauldron. I just couldn't find the energy anymore to continue
the pretense, the false but SAFE image of boy-crazy Minako who
couldn't manage one stable relationship. That had been better than
showing the real reason, much better, much safer. It made the pain
bearable, even if just by a little. I could delude others into
thinking that I simply didn't have any luck in the dating apartment, I
could delude myself into thinking that... for a while.
Then there was the wedding, the happy, joyous occasion signaling
the beginning of a new era, of the impending revival of old and
renewed glory. I had smiled happily throughout it all, standing right
next to my secret and only love, giving her the ring that would bind
her to another. Another that made her happy, happier than I ever
could. And for that I WAS happy.
That didn't stop the pain though. The heartache I knew could
never be cured. I might be selfless to a point, but not to an extreme
where I refused to acknowledge what it did to me. I sometimes think
she knew, suspected. Serenity knew, or at least I was pretty certain
about it. However, what could she do? Nothing. You can't force love
after all, and her heart had already been given to another. End of the
story. Who says they always have to have a happy ending? For everyone
involved I mean?
But, the kami help me, how much I wished there would be one.
Sharply I tore my gaze away. It had just lasted a couple of
seconds but like always seemed to be an eternity. I didn't need her
catching me. I didn't need to see the confusion and worry or even
worse, the pity in these sparkling blue eyes. She was happy as it was.
And as much as this situation hurt, I'd rather die a thousand deaths
inside than taking that away from her. She was too precious for me.
This couldn't continue as it was anyway. The situation had
become unbearable for some time now. And ironically it hadn't been
Usagi who had brought it to the boiling point, to a point where I KNEW
I had to do SOMETHING about this. No, it wasn't the bright light of
our and especially my life. The light that we were all drawn to and
that I could have easily lost myself in if it had been all there was
to it. No, it hadn't been Usagi.
I glanced back at the empty doorway through which Hotaru had
vanished moments ago. Like her namesake, a firefly scared away by the
bright light, tiny in comparison, fleeing to somewhere where her glow
could actually be seen.
It was a miracle I hadn't even noticed. A miracle or a curse. I
wasn't entirely sure about that. I had no clue when it started. It was
there though and I couldn't deny it, could not NOT understand what it
was because the situation was so painfully similar... no, scratch
that, it was painfully identical, catching me somewhere in between and
upon the realization leaving me with no clue what to do about it. The
one impossibility in front, the other behind me, forming a string of
pain and heartache with only Usagi finding any real happiness,
ironically outside of the string itself.
I had really thought I was strong enough. That I could just
submit to this. Always silent, always in the background, watching,
loving, but not touching for the fear, no, the very close reality of
burning my fingers. I believed I could have been happy for her, I
believed it would be alright, that I could love without needing to be
loved back.
Until I started watching... observing Hotaru. Lurking in the
shadows, her light like a single star trying to even see her companion
within the bright glare of a super nova. Just like me. A mirror of the
same loneliness, the same suppressed, silent longing. Expressed
differently since we were radical different people but nonetheless the
same basic principle. And just like Usagi, I couldn't just "make it
right", I couldn't just turn around one hundred and eighty degree and
"make it right". Oh, that would be easy. I could probably delude
myself again for awhile that it was better, that I could be happy for
a change with someone else. An easy solution, one I could justify with
at least doing Hotaru some good.
A lie again, though. A lie to myself, and to her as well. It
wouldn't be honest, it wouldn't work out in the end and just produce
more pain, more unseen tears at night, more desperate longing that
could never be answered. I couldn't just decide to love someone. It
didn't work like that. Sure, I was flattered, maybe even curious. But
hell, I barely knew Hotaru. As I mentioned earlier, I doubted any of
us really KNEW her, not even her self-appointed parents who were
barely older mentally IF you ignored her alter ego. I couldn't just
snap my fingers and create feelings for her.
Nevertheless...
Something had to be done.
Something had to change.
And it had to change NOW. Crystal Tokyo wasn't far away and if
something 'good' had come out of noticing Hotaru's affection towards
me, it was that I couldn't hide, couldn't run anymore from the fact
that, continuing the way I had, would, no, was already affecting my
judgment. I was their leader, SHE trusted me. I knew, I felt it deep
down in my heart, that I would be doing something incredible foolish
one day if I didn't get a grip on this. I had to do SOMETHING because
continuing to do NOTHING would end up disastrous for sure.
I glanced down at the tickets in my hands that I had
unconsciously pulled out of my bag, and then up again, at the open
doorway, bouncing back to the royal couple now dancing and returning
to the hallway.
I had always been good at relying on my gut, my instincts. In
life, as well as in battle. Intuition was my greatest strength. Oh
sure, they had hammered battle strategies into my mind during my past
life until I could recite them in my sleep, however, in the end they
would wind up bend and altered as the situation required them... if I
used them at all. I never really knew that what I decided to do, would
be successful. Yet, I believed, and it usually turned out all right,
especially when it really mattered.
And just like that, I had no freaking idea if this would work.
Like I said, logically seen I couldn't just force myself to change
overnight. To drop my love for one and turn to another. And I had no
delusions that this would happen. IF, then only slow, agonizingly
slow, a path traveled that was going upwards and upwards and upwards,
like swimming against the current and not ever considering to turn
back, because every time you did it would push you even further
towards the waterfall at the end. A path I had to take simply because
falling back again was no option.
Closing my eyes, I hid a tear and turned away. I would always
love her. Even if somehow I could manage to pull this off, my feelings
would always be there, feelings that couldn't just be terminated.
Yet, I resolved with a FINAL glance at my too bright light, the
intoxicating, unreachable object of my heart for many years, over two
lifetimes, I knew I had to go. I had to say goodbye. For a new
beginning, there first had to be an ending. And achieving that end
could not, would NEVER happen when I stayed in HER close proximity.
And even resisting that pull, separating from it by sheer willpower,
it would not guarantee immunity the moment I returned, not even
immunity while I was away. I could only try. I needed to try.
One last, desperate gamble. One last crazy attempt at dating
from Aino Minako. Except this time I vowed that it would be a honest
one.
With that resolution, made up that very moment - even though it
had been on my mind for several weeks now, being the reasons for the
ticketS - I squared my shoulders, gaze fixed ahead, not daring to look
back, I walked out of the door, following the pale light of the
firefly unnoticed in the glare of the other, far dominant one.
I could only hope this worked out. And I could only hope that
she would be willing to even go along with this crazy idea, seemingly
condemned to fail from the very start. Ironic, wasn't it? It had been
Usagi who was the very incarnation of hope and yet here I had turn
away from just that, in order to find another kind of hope. One that
wouldn't swallow me, that wouldn't burn me. Another path, another
softer kind of light.
'Artemis will freak when he finds out,' I thought to myself with
a bittersweet smile as I slipped out into the night where she sat as
if waiting just for me. Maybe she was. I'd find out soon.
THE END
Author's Notes
*author glances at Maia (muse) *shakes head and walks off, muttering
under his breath* I will not comment, I will not comment, I will
not...
*Maia just looks after him with a smug, self-satisfied expression and
a maniacal glint in her eyes*
Back to Sailor Moon Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction