The Woes of Unrequited Love
My name is Misuka Kakounji.
And I’m addicted to pain.
It’s a goddamn addiction that’s for sure. I feel it every second, of
minute, of every hour, of every day, of every week, of every month, of
every year. My heart bleeds out the misery that my tears have long
since forgotten. And you know what makes it worse?
I reinforce that misery.
I reinforce it with that little thing called hope.
I hope for the impossible, I dream for the unattainable.
I hope for a place... in her heart...
My mother always told me that one should never give up hope. That you
should strive to pursue your heart’s desire. I think about those words
now, and two words of my own come to mind. Blind optimism.
They’re silly aren’t they? At least they are in my case. Because my
sub-conscious mind knows the truth. I will never possess her love... I
will never hold angelic body in my arms.
So why doesn’t my heart understand that?
Why does it drag me through this endless cycle of suffering and
anguish?
I chuckle harshly to myself to think about it. My thoughts have
changed so much, haven’t they? Two years ago I was thinking about
which college was gonna go to, and what jobs I might wanna do.
Now all I can think about is you.
But I don’t blame you for it though. This isn’t your fault at all. The
Gods blessed you with deity-like beauty, child-like innocence and a
heart of gold. A heart that’s caring surpasses the very notions of
love...
It was I who was fool enough to fall for you...
It is I who now desires you more than life itself...
And it is I who will now love for an eternity...
I feel a light tap on my shoulder. And strangely enough, it is
sufficient to pull me from reverie. I look around myself, observing
the surroundings that I have unceremoniously been dragged into. I’m at
school, in class... and everybody is starting to arrive here, chatting
and preparing for the lesson to come.
And then I turn around on my seat, next to the desk I’m sitting on, to
see the one that brought me here...
And ever so silently I gasp as I see you...
“Akari...”
You look at me. You smile so sweetly... your sparkling azure eyes
piercing into me... that endless waterfall of blonde hair...
My flaxen haired angel.
I guess you must be psychic or something, because your smile
immediately disappears, and it’s replaced by a frown of worry.
“Misuka... are you alright?”
The concern in your voice matches the concern in your eyes.
Why do you care for me so?
I’d rather you hate me then for you to show warmth to me. At least
that way, I wouldn’t keep misinterpreting a friend’s kindness for a
lover’s affection... and I wouldn’t keep reopening the wound that has
been carved into my soul.
I shuffle on my seat as your shining cerulean eyes continue to
interrogate me.
“I’m fine Akari, really.”
My oldest and weakest phrase.
‘I’m fine Akari really.’
The phrase that I constantly use to nudge you off the right track to
my problem. Then again maybe I should let you know how I feel...
I said it myself... I’d prefer you to leave me alone so I can suffer
in the darkness... if you knew then you would hate me, shun me or
maybe even pity me.
You’d push me out of you life, and I’d be free...
But would that make me happy?
No... It wouldn’t.
Because if it hurts to just be near you, sweet mother of God how much
will it hurt to be apart from you...?
You look at me with a deepening concern. I assumed that I was doing a
good job of hiding my suffering from you, but I guess you’re a little
more perceptive then I give you credit for.
Another little trait that makes up the puzzle of Akari...
Just another little trait that I’ll eventually grow to love.
“Misuka... I’m worried about you. These past couple of weeks you’ve
been... distant. Something’s wrong, I know. Why wont you just tell me
what it is?”
I smile a tiny smile of pity aimed for myself.
She’s noticed.
“I’m fine. There is really no need to for you to worry about me.”
There is more hostility in that then I originally intended. And you
damn well picked up on it. And I can see the tiniest hint of
frustration in your eyes...
“Stop forcing me out of your of your problems. You’re my best friend,
I want... I need to help. If you hurt, I hurt...”
I would have chuckled at that if it weren’t for the awkward situation
between the two of us.
You couldn’t even grasp the magnitude of the pain I feel right now.
Because your heart’s just too pure... despite your caring nature, you
are not fragile like me... you have strength...
I can’t really do anything but stare at you. I never noticed this
before, but you’re kinda cute when you look this way... god that’s
selfish. To partake of Akari’s beauty in that fashion.
It’s just another reason for her to stay away from me.
It’s another explanation as to why it is that I don’t deserve a place
in her heart.
You are prepared to say more I can tell, but before you can, our
teacher returns, and you are forced to sit down on the desk parallel
to mine.
All through the lesson, neither one of us pays any attention to what
is going on. I’m far too caught up in myself to really notice or care,
and Akari is totally focused on me.
Why wont you stop looking at me like that?
Every so often I throw looks at you. Looks that order you to stop
staring at me.
Either I’m not being clear, or you’re not heeding my warnings.
Because you still won’t stop.
I sigh to myself, out of frustration as I surrender my resolve.
Strangely enough, I think that it’s your persistence that attracts me
most. The fact that you wont stop until you’ve conquered all my woes.
Just like when we were kids. When anyone bullied or hurt me, you’d
charge over to them and protect me.
Whenever I got sick, you’d be at my house in a flash with a pot of
chicken soup. And you wouldn’t leave until you knew I was feeling
better.
Why is this Akari?
Why would you want to best friends with a weakling like me?
And the rest of the lesson goes on like that. Until the final bell
rings. I can see from the corner of my eye that you are still focused
on me, and for the most part, I try to ignore it as I pack up my
things and bolt for the door.
I continue to walk down the halls past a load of kids who are totally
excited about their weekend plans, and I pass through the main doors
out into the street.
After I continue to walk away, I throw a look over my shoulder to see
if she’s there.
And sure as hell, she is.
She hasn’t said anything, or done anything to stop me. Akari’s just
followed me.
I know I would have felt more annoyed about that, if I hadn’t seen
that wounded look in your eyes. That expression of innocent hurt.
My heart cries again when I realize that I hurt you. Believe me Akari,
that is the last thing I ever wanted to do. But it only makes my
desire to keep away from you that much stronger.
I don’t deserve to love you, any more than I deserve your friendship.
Before I can walk away, you stride up to me and hold my in your
piercing cerulean gaze.
“Can we please talk?” you say, the calm impatience clear to me.
“I really don’t feel like it Akari.”
You keep your face blank, as if you haven’t even registered my answer
to your question, and you offer an emotionless reply.
“Why do you keep running away from me?”
Because I love you. And every time I see your smiling elf-like face,
I’m reminded of the fact that it is a love you can never return.
I am reminded of the fact that I am destined to live out a life full
of the woes of an unrequited love...
“What do you mean?” I say to you, and I can already hear and feel my
voice cracking.
All of a sudden, your expression changes from concern to anger. The
anger that I have always wanted to avoid. I kinda feel like I have
pushed you too far. But can’t Akari see that this is for the best?
“Stop going on like you don’t know what I’m talking about! I want you
to tell me what it is that I have done to you...!”
For the first time, you’ve realized that the problem may lie with you.
Or at least that it’s connected to you. I think you’ve come a little
closer to the truth.
But that isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is that you make it
seem like it’s your fault...
It isn’t... this all down to me. So how could you blame yourself?
“No! You haven’t done anything, it’s just me, not you...it’s me...” I
say to her desperately, because I can’t stand the thought of my angel
punishing herself for my dilemma.
Akari just moves a few steps closer to me, your voice calms down
slightly, but your eyes continue to hold that anger...
“You’re lying... you keep lying to me... why?”
I honestly can’t answer her. I’m not lying, this isn’t her fault, but
I know she means more then that. She wants to know why I am avoiding
her in general.
And therein lies the problem.
“I...I just...”
I can barely muster a response. And that leads to what I had least
expected to see from her. A smirk. A cruel smirk of confusion,
disbelief and a long suppressed anger.
“I thought we were friends... don’t I deserve your friendship?”
Of course you do. You deserve more than that. You deserve anything and
everything the world has to offer you.
I’m the one who is unworthy.
“You more than deserve it Akari.” I say, and your smile dissipates as
that anger makes an unwelcome return.
“So then tell me what’s going on with you!”
You’re now yelling at me, and if I weren’t so preoccupied, I would
have looked around to see if anybody was watching. Thankfully, they
weren’t.
“I can’t”
“Why?” Her tone softens again, when she realizes that I am close to
tears.
Because you’ll hate me.
“Because you’ll hate me.” It’s weird, but for the first time, I’ve
told her what it is that I am truly thinking.
It must have hit home, because your chagrin transforms into un-dying
compassion. You step forwards towards me, with that trademark look of
caring in your eyes...
“I could never hate you...”
You reach out to hold me, to reassure me of your loyalty, but it’s not
enough. I know that if she knew the truth, she’d freak out there and
then. Despite the fact that I want her to leave me alone, the thought
of her disgust just fills me with dread.
As soon as your arms try to hold me, I bat them away and step
backwards. And I don’t really know why, but I’m angry with you.
Why wont you just leave me alone?
“You don’t understand and you never will. I just can’t be your friend
anymore!”
I yell at her, and single streams of tears trickle down my face, when
I see her heart break... I feel like someone just sliced my soul in
half. I keep causing her pain. Why do I keep doing that?
In the back of my head, I feel a voice telling me that this is for the
best. That Akari would never understand unless I came down hard on
her.
But the voice of my heart tells me that I’m lying to myself if I think
that pushing her away will solve my problems.
And in the end, I chose to listen to my brain. At least it offers me a
possible solution.
I simply look away from that crestfallen expression of yours, and I
turn around, walking away from you. I let my tears fall freely now; I
have no reason to hide them anymore. But before I can even get a good
distance from you, you yell out to me.
“You can’t do this!”
I can hear a furious desperation in her voice, and I can already tell
that she’s crying. I keep walking though, ignoring it, rejecting it,
and I respond to her. I didn’t mean to, I just acted.
“... Why can’t I?”
I say to you, and after a delayed pause, you yell out your reason...
“Because I love you!!!!”
I instantly draw to a halt, and I fix myself in place, desperately
trying to comprehend what it is that I have just heard.
Akari just said... that she loves me.
Akari loves me...
I don’t believe it this point, yet I struggle to understand why she
would say it if she didn’t mean it...
I then assumed that she meant it as a friend, and I smirk as a wave of
self-loathing strikes into me.
For a split second there, my heart had hope...
I’m about to start walking again, but before my foot can leave the
ground, I feel your fingers intertwine with my own, and I turn around
to look at you...
To see that your gazing directly at me. I automatically search your
eyes, trying to figure out why you are doing all this. And I see so
much in them. Anger, frustration, confusion and desperation...
But I suddenly gasp as I see what you really feel for me.
Love.
I don’t know whether or not you can see my feelings, but the fact that
you are now smiling, shows that somehow, you know.
“Aka...”
You place a single fingertip to my lips to silence me, and you softly
whisper sweet nothings to me as your face draws closer to my own...
“I’m in love with you Misuka Kakounji...”
All I can do is just stand there, trapped by your affections, as your
soft lips press against my own...
And as you kiss me, the darkness that once plagued my soul slowly
begins to dissolve into nothingness. The name Akari means ‘light’. I
was pre-ordained by the gods to be drawn out of this self-inflicted
darkness by you.
Quickly I begin to return the kiss, with a passion that’s been in the
making for a fifth of a decade.
And I let myself be absorbed by the loving affections of my flaxen
haired angel...
Finally, my broken heart believes in hope.
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