Chapter 00: The Faint Flicker
It could easily be said that Jei Tazenten was a fighter. She'd
fought against most of what life had decided to give her, ever since
her rather premature birth. It wasn't that she was a brawler, in fact
at first sight someone might have considered her meagre despite her
slightly stock frame if they didn't know better, it was that she
didn't agree with what most people laughingly called a life.
Grow up in school, make friends, get angry with them, make up, get
a job, find a guy, settle down and raise a family, grow old together,
die. It didn't make any sense to her, and nor did life ever go that
smoothly. A fantasy they created to keep themselves content. Not that
she had made anything better for herself. She was just living by
numbers, doing what she wanted when something came up and going with
it because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Most of the time it
never really felt like she had any other choice.
And now it seemed that life was fighting back. She stared out of
the main window of her ship, the Moonlight, at the slowly vanishing
vessel that had brought her to her knees. Five pirate attacks in the
last two deliveries. One of them had been bound to get her.
The Moonlight was only a small cargo ship, barely room for four
crewmembers, although Jei had never taken on another person in her
life. She just transported small stuff from one place to another, day
in, day out, filling her spare travel time with pulp space station
novels she was too cynical to really enjoy.
To her 'adventure' was just another word for stupidly dangerous
missions. Only the brave or idiotic craved those. She didn't know what
love was. As far as she knew, that was just something arbitrary that
seemed to happen to other people. She couldn't understand what the
characters saw in their need for constant companionship. She was happy
alone. Other people just got in the way and complicated things, just
like that stupid teenager she had agreed to ferry across half her
route. That girl had been nothing but trouble, even if she had paid
well.
She gave a retching cough as more blood trickled its way down her
throat, forcing her attention back to the retreating ship. She may
have been beaten, but she was not finished yet. She focused her energy
and forced herself onto her front, giving a cry of pain as her mangled
stomach made contact with the metal lattice that made up the floor.
She lay there panting, listening to the slow drip of her own blood
falling down onto the piping and electrical casings underneath the
floor, gathering below her in a massive pool of red.
She stretched her arm out to grab the lattice, curling her fingers
around the metal and slowly crawling forwards, her right leg trailing
uselessly behind her. She assumed she must be in shock by now as she
slowly inched her way across the floor. Most of the pain had faded
into a background ache, and only the bullet in her gut still let her
know she really was dying.
With a final burst of strength she managed to pull herself up into
the pilot's chair of the cockpit, but this was the last thing she knew
she could do. She was totally spent. However, she had always been
cautious about the safety of her cargo and she allowed herself a small
smile as she painfully reached forwards from the seat and unhooked the
small plastic case over the switch she was aiming for. It wouldn't
exactly teach them a lesson, but it would ensure they could never to
this again.
She flicked the switch, and out in space the small red speck that
was the ship that had crippled the Moonlight erupted in a flash of
brilliant white. Jei thought very lowly indeed of pirates, whatever
they called themselves.
She closed her eyes. <See Jei, I told you this is how you'd end
up, but did you listen to me?> Her mind was playing tricks on her
again. Her rational side sounded far more real now she couldn't think
clearly.
<Heh, looks like I can finally get out of this though,> she
thought back. Having conversations with herself was nothing new to
her. She didn't have anyone else to talk to, so it made perfect sense
really. In fact, it was strange that she wasn't speaking this one out
loud.
<Cop out. That's why you're like this. You never cared. Never gave
anything your best shot.>
<But I don't want to be here any more. I never did. That's why I
didn't care.>
It was almost a poetic irony that it was her rational side that
was the most cynical, and the one she was always having to justify
herself to. <So you just waited to die. Great way to live your life
Jei. Real productive that. Wasting your time away wishing you were
somebody else in a different life. Do you think you would have done
any better if you had been?>
<No. But if I was somebody else I wouldn't be me. Maybe I'd be
somebody who can actually be with other people.>
<Damned hypocrite! I've never needed anyone else, and never given
anyone the chance! That's why! If you're going to die do it with some
damned backbone! You never wanted to be sentimental.>
Jei smiled at herself, <You're getting you're perspectives mixed
again Jei-chan. You're just you no matter how many people you pretend
are in here with you.>
And for once it was the dreamer inside her that won. There was
nothing to stop it. No need to pretend her life was worth living. Now,
in her final moments, she could let herself wish she had been one of
those characters and imagine herself in that life she privately
envied. This time there was no need for internal hatred for gratifying
fantasies that would, or perhaps could, never come to pass. She didn't
have to go back to the real world.
Some people might have pitied her, but Jei would have had none of
it. As self-deprecating as she was, this was her life and she wouldn't
have accepted pity for it. This was how she liked it. Now she was
actually getting to die, she didn't really want to just yet. At least
not like this, bleeding to death in a hallucinogenic cocktail of
sentimentality and wishful thinking. That was nothing like the Jei she
knew.
Jei was the cold loner who just passed through, doing her job and
moving on to the next, invisible to all but her clients. Why say
anything if there wasn't anything worth saying? She could say she
hated her life because there was so much she seemed incapable of
feeling, but did she really want anything more? She never had before.
And even if she did, would she actually know what to do with it?
She began to feel herself fall asleep, slipping sideways in the
chair, and she tried to open her eyes again for a brief moment. Still
just the blackness of space, dotted with the pinpoints of stars hung
in the void. Was that star moving? She never really got to think about
it as her eyes fell closed again. Losing consciousness had never felt
so good. She didn't hurt any more.
***
To Be Continued...
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