The rest of the school day was a blur for Kris. Before long she found herself back at her apartment. She leaned against the hall wall and slid along it into the living room where she found herself staring at the portrait of Jenn. Tears filled her eyes and she hugged herself tightly. It felt like her heart was going to tear out of her chest and bleed upon the floor. She longed to feel those lips again. To hold that warm body once more. Just to smell her scent. After a while she stumbled into the kitchen and dug in one of the drawers for a large kitchen knife. She stared at the long curved blade, then looked down at the scars on her wrists. It had only been a little over a year since she tried to join her beloved in the world thereafter. This time she didn't want to die. Just wanted to dig the pain out. She rolled up her sleeve revealing the numerous cuts that ran its length. She swallowed hard as she set the knife upon her skin. Her heart raced as she gripped the knife tightly. She clenched her teeth as the knife sliced through her flesh. The sight of blood forced the door in Kris's mind to slam shut. She dropped the knife into the sink and grabbed for a dish towel to stop the blood. Slowly the pain in her heart began to be replaced by the aching in her arm. It was almost a relieve to Kris. A strange comfort, a pain she was used to after all the years of abuse at the hands of her mother. She could handle all the physical pain the world could dish out, but the pain on her heart was something she wished to no end that she could take that same knife and dig out. She had considered it many times when she was younger. Whenever she was haunted by her feelings for girls. She even once placed the knife against her own chest with the plan to shove it in as deep as she could, but changed her mind at the last second unsure if she would just make a mess and have to suffer the wrath of her mother of getting blood on the sheet. She still remembered the beating she received the time she got blood on the carpet when she got her first period. She was forced to spend the night scrubbing the floors. She shook her head against the image. Thoughts of her mother always caused her to shiver in fear that the woman might one day return to finish her off. Once, before she met Jenn, Kris tried to kill herself by crashing her bike into a brick wall. She lost the courage at the last moment and fell off the bike. Her foot got caught in the pedals and she was dragged across the pavement, colliding with the wall. She thought for sure she would die there bleeding on the ground staring up at the sun. If a kindly couple had not been passing by she might have after all. They bandaged her up and took her home where she was sentenced to staying in her room without food for scaring the neighbors. That was all her mother ever cared about, what others thought of her insane child. Kris was like a dark secret that her mother wished didn't exist. More than once she heard her mother screaming at her father about how much she wanted to drop Kris off at an institution or academy. Kris sometimes wondered if her mother had a large grin on her face when she was taken to the hospital. Kris curled up in the corner of the kitchen. She remembered how her mother sometimes would tell Kris how she wished the girl was never born. Kris curled her legs up close to her and buried her face in her knees letting herself cry again. When Kris started to stir again she looked up to see that the sun had long since gone down plunging the apartment in darkness. She stretched, feeling the muscles in her back and neck complaining at her. She peeled back the towel to see that her arm had already begun to heal. For some strange reason she healed a lot faster than normal. She was kind of glad about this fact, because it meant that very few ever found out about her unusual knack for getting into 'accidents'. Getting up she kicked off her shoes into a corner of the living room. Not bothering to turn on any of the lights as she began to strip off her clothes and head for the tub. Only when she reached the bathroom did she turn on the light and began to fill the tub with hot water. She watched the steam rise for a moment then turned to look at her reflection in the mirror. She could only see the pain that was deeply set into her eyes. The sight made her turn away from the mirror and shut off the water. She removed the last of her clothes and slowly slid into the steaming hot water making sure to leave her wounded arm on the edge of the tub. Her sore muscles ached as they hit the water. It felt like she had just run a marathon. She crossed her legs under the water, lent back until her entire body was submerged, clenching her teeth against the stinging in her arm, then when the pain eased she let herself relax until her body came floating back to the surface. The amount of time that passed by while Kris lay in the water was unclear, nevertheless Kris didn't really care. She just let her body relax and let the worries seep away. She crossed her arms behind her back, closed her eyes and let her mind drift to the happy memories of Jennifer. ******* To be Continued....
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