Sometimes I Just Don't Get Love
Her name was Mia and though we never spoke or shared a moment alone
I knew there was something about her. Every time I would go to
class, or pass her in the hallway I would see her standing there
talking to someone, laughing at someone's joke or just thinking. It
was those times I liked best, when she just stood there thinking, it
was those times that I thought I could approach her and maybe start
a conversation.
But when she was with someone, or people just surrounded her,
I always felt it would be the wrong time, or it would turn into an
awkward moment. Although it wasn't as if I was shy or anything, well
around her maybe but around everyone else I was known as the blabber
mouth, the funny girl, the one that could entertain for hours. It
was true too, I enjoyed talking and I enjoyed listening but I liked
talking more, making jokes, making people laugh, being the centre of
attention. And to be honest, I was most of the time. Everyone in
college new my name; everyone would say hi when they saw me, smile,
wave; anything to get my attention, except her. She was the only one
I never spoke to, she'd been at my college for 4 months now, and not
once did I speak to her. Maybe we shared the occasional nod as we
passed each other, but we never spoke like we knew each other, but
god, how I wanted to.
I couldn't get it either, whenever there was a new person
coming into our college I was always first in line to make friends
with them. I'd get the gist of their character, tell others that
they were 'nice' and from then on they'd be making friends. But Mia,
she did it all on her own, she didn't need my help at all. She spoke
to some people, joked with others and even became close with some of
my friends. I remember Jaime telling me she was cool, and that she
should come rollerblading with us one time, I remember saying
'Whatever' after that, everyone assumed I didn't like her. If only
they knew.
After a while I convinced myself that I would just go up to
her and say something, anything. Maybe I'd borrow a pencil or
something, chat about something irrelevant and eventually we'd get
into that conversation where you know your about to be friends with
someone.
That day did come, and it was a reasonably sunny day, the
class was calming with soft conversations and the teacher left us
watching some movie about civil rights. I got out of my seat and
walked over to her table, I calmed myself and just thought
'Relax, I'm a nice person; there's no reason she won't like me.'
As I got closer her face turned towards me and she just looked
at me and for the life of me I just couldn't move. I stood there for
a moment that felt like an eternity, I was stuck ' her stare just
froze me. I felt like an idiot, so I turned around and went back to
my seat. God, I was an idiot! I remember seeing her face turn back
to the front quickly, and she must have thought I was so
weird.
After that, I just gave up. Obviously there was something
wrong with me, I couldn't get her out of my head and yet I couldn't
muster any courage to just talk to her. It was just one way or the
other for me, carry on dreaming about her or face the reality and
find out why she's to interesting. I'd never achieve the latter, so
I decided I'd just try (- try being the operative word) to forget
her.
That same day I decided to go to the library and pick up some
mythology books to brighten my mood, I'd always enjoyed those
stories and it would help put my mind in another world, where it
certainly needed to be at the moment. When I got there my mobile
rang and the librarian gave me the evil eye, I squirmed out of there
and answered it.
'Lisa can you come by today and do an evening shift.'
Pleaded the voice over the phone.
I replied hesitantly
'Oh Mike, you know I got college tomorrow I'll be knackered if
I work tonight'
'Well you ARE just volunteering so you have no contract to
come in or anything but I really needed you, oh but what am I
saying, you need your rest and I guess I can just try and
manage by myself.'
His guilt trips always made me work more, and he knew it.
'Fine, fine' I muttered
'Oh Lisa you're an angel! See you tonight, thanks again. Bye'
He quickly hung up before I could even think about changing my mind.
Oh well, I guess I could get some books and read them on the bus, it
would be more quiet then reading them at home anyway. I went back
inside and searched through a bunch of books, most I'd read already
so I was deciding whether I'd spend more time trying to find
something new, and possibly being late for work or just get
something that I knew was good because I read it before.
I decided to get 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' because I remembered
it did have a nice collection of poems and the story in itself was
intriguing. As I went to checkout my book I saw her in line, right
in front of me, her back was towards me so I tried walking quietly
so that maybe she wouldn't look at me. I walked silently towards the
line and as if from some sort of comedy show I landed the role of
'the clumsy oaf'. I dropped my book, tripped over it and bashed
right into Mia's back. Could I look anymore stupid?
'Oh shit, I'm so sorry.'
I stuttered, and then bent down quickly to pick up the book trying
to avoid eye contact with her. She bent down faster than me and
picked up my book herself, while glancing over the cover.
'Hmmm, 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' ey, I don't remember Mr Edwards
assigning us any mythology books for homework' Did I miss
anything?'
I laughed nervously, empty of any words to say to her. I snatched
the book from her hands and spoke.
'Uh no, I' I like these books' oh but you know what' I just
realised I already read this book.'
I left the book and her, turned to leave and then rushed to the exit
door. Oh god, now not only did she think I was an idiot ' but she
was going to think I was weird too.
'Hey Lisa, wait up' I heard her call.
I stopped and turned back to look at her. She was running towards me
while she spoke again.
'I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything, I think it's cool that you
like this stuff. Look ...'
She reached inside her bag and brought out a couple of books. They
were fictional Greek story books, Hercules, Achilles and the works.
I looked at her for a while; she was so cute thinking that she
embarrassed me or something. I felt like an idiot now running out of
there like that. I didn't say anything. She looked at me, and then
put the books back in her bag quickly looking kind of embarrassed.
She looked down and said
'I'm sorry, I just ... I just wanted to talk to you. You seem so
interesting and funny and everyone loves you... I've always
wanted to talk to you, but I guess you don't like me very
much, huh?'
'No! ... I umm...'
I felt I myself beginning to lie again, I had to stop myself; I had
to remove this shell I created and just be honest with her. Just
tell her that I felt exactly the same. But I couldn't and I don't
know why.
'Look, to be honest ' I ran out of there because I'm late for
work ok. So I don't really have time to talk about books that
we both like, because honestly I don't care.'
Wow, not only was I devoid from any truth at all, I was being a
classic bitch. I left after that, I didn't want to hear her call me
a bitch, or see a hurt look on her face. After that, I didn't
deserve to be friends with her.
When I got to work I felt like shit, and I didn't care who
knew it. Mike saw me as I came in and lug my bag under the desk and
throw my coat at the hook and miss. He came over, picked it up and
put it back over the hook.
'Okie Lisa, Mrs Sanderton has been having a problem eating
today so I want you to try and get her to eat something. You
know how she listens to you. Also I want you to check in on
some people on the lower ward just make sure their bandages
are always dry. Otherwise, you know what to do.'
With that said, he disappeared back into the halls. That's always
the way it was with him, couple of words spoken and he's off to
order someone else. I wondered whether he actually ever did anything
himself, besides order someone about that is.
I walked over to Mrs Sanderton's room, I really liked her. She
was this nice old lady that use to give me caramels whenever she saw
me. The caramels were from her granddaughter but she could never
have the heart to tell her she wasn't really a sweet-tooth kind of
woman. After treating me with the sweets we'd talk for a while and
laugh about the stupid things on TV. I never really saw her family,
once or twice I saw a man in a business suit who was apparently her
son but I never saw the granddaughter of candy.
'How are you doing today, Mrs S?? That was my little nickname
for her.
'I hear you haven't been eating much, come on now, you don't
want your granddaughter to get worried now, do you?'
'Oh don't try that one on me girly, you try some of this food.
It's awful. Are you TRYING to make us sick?'
I picked up a fork and scooped it into the mash, dabbed it in the
gravy and chewed it up.
'The mash is nice' I said.
'The mash is nice? Do you expect me to live on carbohydrates
all my life?' She said in a funny sort of way.
I looked at her and laughed, she reminded me so much of someone but
I don't know who. I guess she just had that familiar sort of
personality.
'Ok, look lets make a deal here. My mum makes these amazing
mince pies, how about I bring you some tomorrow?'
She replied with a questioned look on her face.
'What's the catch?'
'Well there's no fooling you. Ok, promise me you'll eat
your food, and I'll bring you a pie every week. We got a deal?'
She seemed hesitant, and then we both laughed together.
'Fine, fine, but they better be some good pies!'
She finally started eating her food, we laughed and talked until I
had to leave to look at some other patients. I always came back
though, every 20 minutes or so. After about 2 hours I came back, sat
down with her and started asking some personal questions I've wanted
to ask for a while.
'So Mrs S, how comes I don't see your family so much' I mean
I've seen your son a couple of times. But what about the ever
popular candy granddaughter' I figured I should thank her for
making such nice caramels.'
She looked quiet for a moment, a saddened look on her face made me
regret asking.
'My granddaughter... she stopped talking to me a while ago.
She didn't really agree with a decision I made and well' since
then we haven't spoken much. But she has a heart of gold
really, even though she can't bring herself to speak to me.
She still sends me those caramels you love so much
... every week.'
I couldn't quite understand, I felt angry at this girl leaving
her grandmother like this over some stupid decision in the past.
'Oh the stubborn family member, I know them all to well. Why
don't you give me her number, maybe I can convince her to come
over sometime?'
'Oh no dear, you don't have to go through all that trouble.
It's really ok; I think its better this way. It would be too
hard to see her, especially since ... well you know, if she
came by she wouldn't feel guilty and have to send over those
caramels. So you see its better this way.'
I could sense her feeling uncomfortable so I changed the subject to
a lighter note, and we were back with our laughter again.
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