Director: Okay, quiet on the set, people. We’re on in thirty. If the contestants would take their place…uh-huh. And the host… All right, good. We’re clear to go. Cue the theme song. Cameras rolling in three…two…one.
Emcee: Wuuuhelcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the galaxy’s FAAAYYY-VORITE game show! This is a show that pulls out ALL the stops to create the most THRILLING, most EXCITING, most EEE-LECTRIFYING game show ever! We even have our very own LIVE studio audience! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for THE most entertaining game show ever?!
Audience: YOU BET!
Emcee: Are you ready to cheer our fabulous contestants on to victory?!
Audience: YOU BET!
Emcee: Are you ready to see them put everything on the line for the sake of glory and riches?!
Audience: YOU BET!
Emcee: All right! That’s what I like to hear! Ladies and gentlemen, studio audience, viewers at home and around the galaxy, and our brave contestants! ARE WE READY TO PLAY?!?!?
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
“YOU BET YOUR LIFE!!: the deadly fun galactic game show!”
Emcee: All RIGHT! Let’s get this game started! But first, let’s make introductions! As always, I am your fabulous host, Emcee Etcher!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
MC Etcher: Thank you, thank you! Our contestants for today hail from all OVER the galaxy! First off, let’s give a warm welcome to ASERIA TOLAN, who comes ALL the way from Alfheim! Aseria is the daughter of Valorien, Emperor of the Sindarin Empire, and one of the wealthiest and most influential people in the galaxy! Great to have you with us, Aseria!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
Aseria: Hey, what the hell is going on?!
MC Etcher: Next, we have the lovely SHANA SUING, hailing from Epitaph! She’s a cute young woman with an astounding IQ and a lot of devotion to her family, especially her younger brother Alan. Let’s give her a hand, shall we?
Audience: (cheers and applause)
Shana: Where are we? How did we get here? One minute we’re on our ship, and the next…
MC Etcher: I’m sorry, Shana, but all questions must be held until the end of the show. Moving along, our next daring contestant is a fabulous winged woman from New London! It’s REBECCA HILL! Her aunt is the famous bounty hunter Shandra Hill, while her father is a renowned geneticist and professor! Let’s hope these skills have passed onto her!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
Rebecca: Wow, this is really screwed up right here.
MC Etcher: Our next contestant hails from Onogoro, an idyllic world where Kitsune have made their home. She loves anime, healing the sick, and a certain Usagin warrior who— JUST— couldn’t be with us today! Let’s say hello to FUUKA FUJIWARA!!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
Fuuka: I think I’ve seen something like this before.
MC Etcher: And finally, our fifth contestant is a prudent, cautious, jittery little thing from a planet whose name I can’t say out loud for fear that I might get sued!
Audience: (laughter)
MC Etcher: Don’t let her size and bald head fool you! Put your hands together for the wild card of the group, VIMMY FONESTER!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
Vimmy: Have we been kidnapped, or abducted, oh please, I couldn’t suffer another probing, I do hope I’ll be all right, listen you, mister Emcee, I can pay whatever ransom you want, I’ve got more money than you can imagine, perhaps we can strike a d—
MC Etcher: All questions must be saved until the end of the program, Vimmy! Now that introductions are made, it’s time to play…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
MC Etcher: The rules of the game are very simple! The five of you must cooperate by answering questions that I ask! They’ll range from multiple choice, fill in the blank, guess who, and true or false, and maybe a few special bonus rounds if we have enough time! Won’t that be super?
Audience: (cheers and applause)
MC Etcher: There is a twist, however. I know what you’re thinking! “Emcee Etcher, we already have more money and prizes than we can ever HOPE to possess! What could you possibly give us that we’d want?” A fair question, my friends. The answer is simple: we have not one but TWO things that every person simply CAN’T go without! The first is, of course, the truth!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
MC Etcher: And the second… Well, we can’t just give you the truth for free, now can we? I mean, all participants have to pay some kind of fee, right? And for this game show, the stakes are as high as they come! For some you wager money, for others, your belongings! But only on this game show…WHAT ARE THEY BETTING, STUDIO AUDIENCE?!
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
MC Etcher: That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Your lives are literally on the line! If you cannot answer a certain amount of questions by the end of the program, you’ll lose your lives! Won’t that be a hoot? However, if you win, then yours truly will be forced to let you go free, and I’ll face TOTAL ANNIHILATION instead!!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
Rebecca: Yup, completely screwed up.
Shana: Do we have to?
MC Etcher: OH, I’m SORRY, but frankly, you either take your chances or we TAKE YOUR LIVES! But don’t worry: the odds are on your side! Surely between the five of you, you can answer enough questions to survive— plus, you might walk away with some real knowledge! But I wouldn’t count on it! None of our other contestants ever made it, did they, studio audience?
Audience: (laughing)
Fuuka: I think you just contradicted yourself.
MC Etcher: I did? Really?
(crickets chirping)
MC Etcher: Oh well! Now that we know the stakes, let’s get this game started! But first, let’s have a word from our sponsors so our contestants can prepare. They’re going to need it!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
……
MC Etcher: AND WE’RE BACK! Welcome back to “You Bet Your Life”, the rip-roaring HILL-ARIOUS game show where you put YOUR life on the line!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
MC Etcher: We’re just about to begin the first round of questions and answers! Contestants, are you ready?
Rebecca: Do we have a choice?
MC Etcher: Wonderful! Let the games begin! Contestants, good luck!
(suspenseful theme music plays)
MC Etcher: During the reign of King Solomon, macro-organic entities called the Ifrit were created to mimic the appearance and ability of the Angels, but they proved to be a poor imitation. WHAT symbol of King Solomon are they bound to obey?
Fuuka: Um, oh dear. This was never in any anime.
Vimmy: Of course it wasn’t, I don’t even know what the heck he’s talking about, and really, how DID we come to be in this strange place, ah, Mr. Etcher, how much time do we have to answer?
MC Etcher: Thirty seconds.
Vimmy: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…
Aseria: I think I know this one. Rachel’s an Ifrit, isn’t she? Doesn’t Amy have something that controls her?
Fuuka: Yes, she does! I remember seeing it! It was a ring! Mr. Etcher, our answer is “ring”!
MC Etcher: Are you sure? Is that your decision? Well, you’d be ABSOLUTELY…CORRECT! Yes, the Ring of Solomon can control any genie, Ifrit, djinn, or other macro-organic creature! Our contestants score!
Audience: (cheers and applause)
MC Etcher: The game’s off to a great start, folks. Let’s move on to the next question. …Speaking of the Ifrit, they were gradually wiped out or released over the eons, and now only a handful remain. How many genies are there left in the universe?
A: 1B: 5C: 20D: 50
Shana: Um, Aseria, do you know?
Aseria: How the hell would I know that? You’re the one with the perfect memory here!
Shana: I don’t think I ever remember hearing anybody say this!
Fuuka: Look, if none of us knows for sure, let’s just guess.
Rebecca: But you know what will happen if we get too many questions wrong! This freak-show lounge lizard is serious!
Vimmy: Listen, we don’t have to guess them all, but let’s go for a likely answer here, we know that Rachel’s a genie, I think our answer should be “A: one”.
BZZT!
Audience: Aww…
MC Etcher: Ooooh, I’m SORRY, that’s incorrect! Care to try again?
Vimmy: Blast, ah, make it “C: twenty!”
BZZT!
MC Etcher: Whoa, twenty? We’d be in trouble in there were that many wandering around! While there were twenty-four to begin with, I’m afraid that the correct answer is “B: five”. There are only five genies in existence right now!
Rebecca: Way to go, Vimmy.
Aseria: Yeah, now we have another reason to hate you.
Vimmy: But how was I supposed to know, Amy’s the expert, not me, I don’t know the first thing about Ifrit, I thought they were just legend until rec—
MC Etcher: Uhh, let’s move on to our next question, all right? …The deranged cross-dressing killer Ferocious is regarded as the galaxy’s second-best assassin, after Barbarossa. Before he went OUTTA CONTROL, which alias did he go by?
Aseria: …No idea.
Rebecca: Johnny?
Fuuka: Musashi Miyamoto?
Shana: Trick question!
BZZT!
MC Etcher: OH, I’m sorry! Before his mind got completely warped by Origin, Ferocious was best known as Siegfried, son of Sigmund, legendary defender of Chihuahua! Since his father was able to wield eight swords at once, it only stands to reason that Siegfried would be able to do the same!
Aseria: Yeah, like we would really know that!
Rebecca: Although I think I remember Sati telling me about that legend before.
Aseria: Oh yeah? Well why didn’t you say so AT THE BEGINNING?!
MC Etcher: Our contestants aren’t doing so well, and the stress is taking its toll. Let’s see if we can’t SHAKE THINGS UP a little with this next question! …Name the exploration squad that legendary Lennethium discoverer participated in. You’ll even get bonus points if you can name all thirteen crewmembers!
Shana: This one’s easy! They were called Squad Reliable, and their team consisted of Lenneth Coral, of course, Carlisle Renchina, Shiho Tsukei, Ivy Stellway, Ellen Astor, Dulcine Dutore, Wendy Laval, Chelsea McGowan, Raven Bronson, Trina Mack, Clarissa Astor, the Follower, and Mika Johansson.
MC Etcher: ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: Like a bolt from the blue, our contestants have just gained some SERIOUS ground with that one! I bet they’re glad to have little Shana with them!
Shana: Hee-hee-hee, all right!!
Rebecca: Yeah, you really saved our bacon, Shan.
MC Etcher: All right, let’s move on to the next question! Name the two main factions involved in Gaea’s last war!
Vimmy: Oh, oh, I definitely know this one, I promise I do, ladies, I heard it from a merchant friend of mine who was acquainted with some of the survivors of that war, Mr. Etcher, it was Blue Flower and Mimir!
MC Etcher: COMPLETELY CORRECT! Yes, before Gaea was the peaceful and diverse planet we all know and love, it was a war-torn shell overrun with large armored monstrosities called Gigantes who fought each other over possession of the planet! But thanks to the Pax Terran and the hard work of millions of people, Gaea is safe from all civil war!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: Next question! …What question are we on?
Shana: Six!
MC Etcher: CORRECT! This is the sixth question! Excellent memory!
Shana: Tee heehee.
Aseria: Urgh, this is an insult.
MC Etcher: Now get ready for a hard one! …Name the three relics of Avalon that are supposed to bring perfect harmony. I’ll give you a hint! Sharyn was looking for them!
Fuuka: Um, Shana, I hate to keep asking you if you know all these, but…well, my memory seems to have escaped me! Ah! Mr. Etcher, I know one was the Standard of Andvari.
MC Etcher: Ahuh…
Aseria: The other was the Claiohm Solais, or the Sword of Light. I’ll never forget THAT.
MC Etcher: Ahuh…
Rebecca: And I know that Kyrie will never shut up about how she lost the Breath of Vulcan!
MC Etcher: ALL ANSWERS ARE CORRECT! That’s right: these three mystical items are said to bring prosperity and fortune to whoever possesses them! Unfortunately, two of the three were destroyed, while a green-skinned sex fiend possesses the last one. How kooky is that?!
Audience: (laughter)
MC Etcher: It looks like you’re finally picking up steam here, contestants! But we still have a lot of questions to answer, and plenty of truths to uncover, so LET’S MOVE ON! …Which species first introduced faster-than-light travel, powered by hyperdrive fuel, to the Gaeans, thus propelling them into space?
Shana: That’s silly, you already asked that! …Sort of. Anyway, it’s the Mer-folk.
MC Etcher: Correct! Another point for our brave heroines! …Excluding the crew of the Dauntless, how many people have been permitted to land on Venus?
Rebecca: Um, two?
Vimmy: Seven!
Aseria: None! No, wait— just one!
Shana: Darn it, Amy never told us. Um, uh…eleven!
BZZT!
Audience: Aww…
MC Etcher: I am sorry, ladies, but those were some AWESOME guesses! The correct answer is “six”! Oris Pendragon, Elijah, Enoch, two men from Gaea whom history has forgotten— although we believe one was a Pendragon— and Barbarossa the first.
Fuuka: More people we don’t know!
MC Etcher: That is kind of the point of this game. We give you the truth and YOU give us your lives!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: Well, it looks like it’s time for a commercial break, but don’t you go anywhere! When we come back: do these five contestants have what it takes to survive? Can they answer any more questions, or have they met their match? And what about the lightning round? All this and more in the next segment of…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
……
MC Etcher: Welcome back to even more CUH-RAYZEE antics and SHOCKING moments of truth! It’s a quest for knowledge at the expense of the lives of FIVE CONTESTANTS! All this and more on the galaxy’s FAY-VORITE game show…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
MC Etcher: Is everybody ready to play the next round?
Audience: YOU BET!
MC Etcher: And what about our contestants, are they ready to put their lives ON THE LINE for fabulous truth?!
Aseria: Uh…I guess. I mean, if we have to…
Fuuka: I don’t understand why we’re talking this way and not using quotes like normal.
MC Etcher: Ahahaha, easy with the “fourth-wall humor” there, Doc! Okay, let’s keep going! We’ve got a lot of truths to cover and not much time! But before we move onto the next round, our executive producer is telling me it’s time for…
Everybody: THE LIGHTNING ROUND!
MC Etcher: Yes, it’s the lightning round! Questions are going to come at you LEFT AND RIGHT! Guess correctly and you win! But one false move could be the end! Are you ready to play? WONDERFUL! Let’s open the shutters and let loose those fiery-hot questions! First, who originally created the Dauntless?
Rebecca: Wasn’t it some race beyond the galaxy?
Vimmy: No, my race did, or at least we will be, once we start buying the rights, I tell you, we’ll make a fortune with our superior knockoffs!
BZZT!
MC Etcher: SO…VERY…SORRY, everyone! The answer we’re looking for is “Numenoreans”. Believe it or not, Oris’s people made the Dauntless, or at least its designs. A friendly ancient race beyond our galaxy visited Gaea right before the last Ice Age, taking the plans and leaving something behind! What was it? Gosh, even I don’t know! Humans, perhaps? But who cares, let’s move on, shall we? Where was the most recent Space Race held?
Shana: Centania! And we came in third place!
MC Etcher: Correct-a-mundo! Who is the CURRENT Angel of Death?
Aseria: I won’t forget that name! She tried to kill MY Lillith— I mean, my Lillianne! Her name is Grave but her real name is Arine Laval!
MC Etcher: ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! Thanatos, the previous Angel of Death, gave his powers to Laval and went into retirement!! It might also be interesting to know that Miss Laval is the clone-daughter of famous Squad Reliable crewmember, Wendy Laval!! Who’d a-thunk it?! Moving on, what lost language is Marsa Rosemont and Oris Pendragon fluent in?
Rebecca: Um…
Shana: Don’t look at me!
Aseria: Swahili?
BZZT!
MC Etcher: Ohh, I’m sorry! The correct answer is “Old Solar”! This is the language everyone in the Solar System spoke before the Tower of Babel was built, including the ancient Martians, the modern Venusians, most Numenorenas, AND EVEN the Sulvites! Next question! Captain Barbarossa, aka Hendrick van der Decken, has been alive for HOW long?
Vimmy: A thousand years!
MC Etcher: CORRECT! Being cursed into a life of immortality can do that to ya! And now for our final lightning round question! Not counting Rachel, how many women were originally a crewmember of the Dauntless?
Fuuka: I remember this one! It was fifty-seven!
MC Etcher: COMPLETELY CORRECT! Among those you lost were Changera the Doppelganger! What a great lightning round that was!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: Now it’s time for a segment I like to call…
Everybody: GUESS WHAT!!
MC Etcher: That’s right! Just as the title indicates, you will be shown a pixilated photograph of a mysterious person you may have heard something about. It’ll be up to YOU to guess who or what that person is BEFORE the picture clears up! Win and you advance! Lose, and…well, I just hope you’ve got good life insurance!
Audience: (laughter)
(a blurry picture is shown)
MC Etcher: All right, let’s play! So what is this? You get five guesses and only one hint! You’ve definitely heard about him, but he was using a different name! Can you guess?
Fuuka: Um…it looks like one of the Angels from Evangelion, but I’m not sure which… Nope, can’t think of anything.
Vimmy: Drat, I’ve never seen this before, it’s too blurry, I’d warrant it’s the Regent of our race, but I don’t think he’d be that hard to identify, let’s see now, umm, nope, I have no idea.
Rebecca: Is it…my father?
BZZT!
MC Etcher: Oooh, I’m sorry! The correct answer is “Boole, Origin’s right-hand man”. You once heard about him during the Space Race, but he was using the name “Nemo Nephale”!
Shana: Darn it, I knew there was something fishy about that name…
(another blurry picture shows)
MC Etcher: Second chance! You’ve definitely seen his children all over the place!
Fuuka: It looks like a Fog Ninja.
DING!
MC Etcher: Close enough! This is actually the MASTER Fog Ninja, the enormous, all-powerful father of them all! He’s big as a mountain and meaner than a volcano! But kill him and all the others will disappear forever!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: All RIGHT! Last one! You’ve seen this lordly executive’s nephew show the universe a thing or two during the race. WHO IS…this man?
(the final blurry picture shows)
Aseria: I can recognize him already! He and my father were once business associates! That’s Lord Maoska Demise of Demise Industries!
MC Etcher: COMPLETELY CORRECT! What a FAN-TABULOUS round that was! Now it’s time for another commercial break, but when we come back, it’s time to GUESS WHO I AM! …Uh, no, not who I am! You already know that one!
Audience: (dead silent)
MC Etcher: …………Uh, right. Anyway, don’t you touch that dial! We’ll be back before you can say…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
……
MC Etcher: And we’re back! And not a moment too soon! My producers are telling me that if I don’t hurry up, I’m going to lose my head! And from the looks of that guillotine standing over in the corner, they could be serious!
Audience: (laughter)
MC Etcher: Let’s not disappoint them, okay? In this round, you only have to guess who ONE person is, and you even get a set of hints along the way! The sooner you guess who it is, the MORE points you’ll be able to get! However, if you can’t guess even at the very end, one of us will be that much closer…to a beheading!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
Shana: Is that studio audience even real?
Aseria: Kid, none of this is real.
MC Etcher: Let’s get right down to it! Um, Miss Hill, could you please step forward? You’re going to be our special participant!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
Rebecca: Do I have to?
Audience: (laughter)
MC Etcher: I’m afraid so. It’s a ratings thing.
Rebecca: Oh, all right. I guess if I have to… So bring it on!
MC Etcher: I like your spirit! The first hint is, “nobody knows what I really look like”. Oooh, not off to a great start, are we? If nobody knows what this thing looks like, how will YOU know? Maybe this might help: “I’m related to royalty”. Think about Kings, Queens, Emperors, that sort of thing. Still nothing? Next hint! “I have amazing powers.” They can do things no normal creature can! That might not mean much to YOUR crew…I mean, you DO have someone in your team that’s died like…five times.
Aseria: Hey!!
MC Etcher: Still nothing? Not even a guess? Okay, next hint! “I’m fluent in many languages”. It looks like no matter where they go, they know exactly what everyone’s talking about! This is one character that doesn’t need an interpreter! Oh, and it looks like she’s ready to guess! What’s your answer, Rebecca?
Rebecca: Um…Riene Latoli?
BZZT!
Audience: Aww…
MC Etcher: Ugh, no, I’m SO SORRY. Really, does Riene LOOK like she has super powers? And come on, you’ve seen her…naked! If that’s not her true form, I don’t know WHAT COULD BE!
Rebecca: Jeez, sorry! It’s just that the language thing threw me off.
MC Etcher: Fair enough. Here are a few more hints to help you out! “I’m great at deception”. Wow, you really thought this was Riene? Heheh, won’t she have a few words for you when you see her again?
Audience: (laughter)
MC Etcher: But seriously, you can’t trust a word they say— or even their appearance! Next hint! “I look young, but I’m really older than all modern civilizations”. Could this possibly be a cutie who’s really an old hag? How about one more hint to help you out? “I’m a leader who does things their own way”. No matter what’s going on, this person just HAS to be in charge! Does that remind you of someone you might know? Wow, she’s ready for another answer!
Rebecca: Um…is it Changera?
BZZT!
Audience: Aww…
MC Etcher: Oooh, good try! Being great at deception AND not knowing what she looks like were dead giveaways, but everyone KNOWS the Doppelgangers don’t have any other special powers— why, they can only see properly in infrared light! And Changera’s only 25, for Pete’s sake! But that was a good try! Now we’ll see if you can’t get it right with the next hint! “I do my best work through other people’s efforts”. So what they’re saying is that they’re smart enough to make other people do the dirty work FOR them. Sounds like a sinister character to me! Next: “you don’t know me, but I know you”. Doesn’t that sound scary!! Apparently the two of you are acquainted, but you don’t know it yet! Well, we’re down to the last hint, and so far, our beautiful contestant hasn’t been faring too well! Any words for her, Dr. Fujiwara?
Fuuka: Uh, yeah, is this person real, or are you just making it up?
MC Etcher: Ahahaha, I think it’s better if I ask the questions here, sweetheart.
Audience: (laughter)
MC Etcher: But yes, they are very real. Rebecca Hill…are you ready for the final hint? “I never do the same thing twice”. Sounds like someone who just doesn’t like consistency! No matter what they do, it’s got to be new! So, do you have any ideas? This is your last guess!!
Rebecca: Um, uh…I, uh…I think it’s…uhh, Rachel the genie!
BZZT!
Audience: Aww…
MC Etcher: SO…VERY…CLOSE…and yet there’s no cigar. I’m SORRY— the correct answer is “Origin”! Yes! Origin is all this and more! Thank you so much for playing, Miss Hill— you’ve been a TERRIFIC sport!
Rebecca: Yeah, whatever… (grumbling)
MC Etcher: OKAY! There’s just two more segments to go in this game before the grand finale! Don’t screw up or you’ll regret it! …That’s what she said!
Audience: (dead silent)
MC Etcher: ……Time to play!! Speaking of Origin, just what is it?
A: an ancient Gaean anime B: where something begins C: Rachel in disguise D: member of a forgotten race
Fuuka: Well, thanks to Becky-chan, we know it’s not “C”, so…“A”?
BZZT!
Vimmy: Honestly, Fuuka, this is no time for your obsession, it’s serious here, I would have said “D”, even though “B” is technically correct, I’m sure there’s a Gaean anime called Origin but I just don’t think that’s the answer he was looking for.
MC Etcher: Vimmy is correct! The answer is “D: member of a forgotten race”! Of course, if we knew what that race WAS, maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament! Next question: Who composed the Tome of Treasures?
A: Al Gore B: millions of adventurers and researchers C: Evil Lord Gary D: founder of Phobos and Ares Academies
Shana: Bwah? I’m going to say “B” since it sounds the least ridiculous.
BZZT!
MC Etcher: Ooh, wrong answer! But not entirely! Although the Tome consists of materials gathered by millions of adventurers and researchers, it was the founder of Phobos and Ares Academies who actually brought it all together! I suppose half credit is still credit after all! Next question! Ten is what?
A: a number B: the Roman equivalent of “X” C: a state D: all the above
Fuuka: The answer is “D: all the above”!
DING!
MC Etcher: Correct! Ten is a number, the Roman equivalent of X, AND a state! Get it? Ten is “C”! Tennessee!
Audience: (dead silent)
MC Etcher: ……Hoo, tough crowd!
Shana: Gosh, Fuji-san, how’d you know THAT question?
Fuuka: Oh, I had a weird teacher who always made that joke when it came time to take tests. He always made sure that the tenth question was answered by “C” so that everyone would get at least one point.
Aseria: I don’t get it.
Fuuka: That’s okay, nobody did.
MC Etcher: Moving on! What famous magician first proposed manipulating fog to create a limitless army of loyal drones?
A: Houdini B: Merlin C: Aleazar Kazima D: Saruman
Aseria: Now I know this one. It’s “C: Aleazar Kazima”. I met him on a distant world on the edge of our galaxy when I was a child. He was rather gifted for a human.
MC Etcher: That is correct! Although he never lived to see his ingenious idea come to fruition, someone eventually found a way to create loyal drones from fog! And what an army THAT would be! Next question: Changer’s lover’s name is what?
A: Shift B: Turner C: Sexually Ambiguous Troll D: Morphina
Vimmy: Now how are we supposed to know that, I’m sure all Doppelgangers have pun-names, look at it, Change, Shift, Turn, Morph, very droll, but we don’t know her, I never once paid attention to her, mmm-hmm, poor people, you know.
Shana: Yeah, she never told us. …I’m going with “A: Shift”.
BZZT!
MC Etcher: I’m sorry, the correct answer is “C”! …Just kidding! It’s “D”! Apparently, Changera fit right in on the Sapphic Cruise ship!
Everyone: (dead silent)
MC Etcher: Whew, is that guillotine getting closer, or is it just me? Let’s move on to the final multiple choice question! Franklin Hill was researching what when he injected his daughter with a wing-growing serum?
A: Origin B: birds C: angels D: crystal meth
Rebecca: ……Oh God, I wish I knew. Was it… “A: Origin”?
DING!
MC Etcher: Completely correct! Professor Hill was researching Origin— perhaps as a way to help it, perhaps as a way to destroy it, maybe even…to transfer Origin into a person’s body!
Rebecca: WTF!! Are you saying that I could be…ah…NO WAY! THAT’S FREAKING IMPOSSIBLE!!
Aseria: Ahh— my ears. Ow.
Fuuka: Mine, too. Listen, Becky, I’m sure your father wasn’t looking into THAT. I mean, there’s no doubt that the man was a little insane, but still! He’d never…
Vimmy: I’m not sure how you can say that since you know he was responsible for Athena’s condition, he put her through quite a lot, indeed, and for what purpose, maybe he DID want to put Origin into a person’s body, and that training process would’ve given him the best, yes, hmm, perhaps his daughter was just another test subject, it sounds perfectly reasonable, yes, not a model parent he—
Rebecca: Vimmy— shut…the (bleep)…up! Or I will KILL you!
Vimmy: Meep.
Rebecca: ………I need to be alone for awhile.
MC Etcher: Uh…yeah. Listen, maybe we SHOULD take a commercial break! But when we come back, get ready for the FINAL SEGMENT!! Everything’s on the line for the last barrage of questions! WHAT new bombshells will be revealed as our brave heroines face total destruction?! Will they survive? Will I? Only one way to find out! Stay tuned for the conclusion of today’s edition of…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
……
MC Etcher: Wuuuuuuuuuhelcome back to THE FINAL segment of today’s program! We’ve seen our five ASTOUNDING contestants run the gauntlet, and they’ve uncovered the truth to more questions than ANY previous contestant! You might even say that they’re OUTTA CON-TROL! But there’s one last round left, folks! The fate of their lives depends on how they do in the final round! Oh, and it also looks as if Miss Hill has composed herself over the commercial break! Miss Hill, are YOU ready to play?
Rebecca: You’re going down, (bleep)!
MC Etcher: AAALL RIIIIIIGHT!!! Let’s play…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
MC Etcher: True or false: Until recently, Gaea’s moon has always been a barren, lifeless world.
Shana: Easy! True!
MC Etcher: I’m sorry, but the answer is “false”! Eons ago, the Moon was a lush, vibrant world full of life, but most of its citizens sacrificed their humanity in exchange for a perfect, clean, immortal existence! They disregarded normal practices and destroyed half the vegetation! The remaining few fought to keep their half healthy, but in the end, it proved too much for them to handle. How about that, folks?
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: Let’s see what the next question says! True or false: Numenor and Atlantis are completely fictional countries.
Fuuka: Um, false!
MC Etcher: Abso-tively correct! And on top of that, they’re the exact same country! Of course, thousands of years ago, they were totally DE-STROYED by sinking into the sea, and very few remnants of those years still remain. It seems like you’re picking up steam! True or false: Venus is a blasted wasteland unfit for civilization.
Vimmy: That’s easy, we’ve all been there, we know what it looks like, the answer is false, it’s Heaven in space, I wonder how much it would cost to buy that world, but if I need to have permission to go there, it would be rather ticklish buying a copyright, oh dear…
MC Etcher: …Um, yeah. Actually, it’s a trick question! Venus IS completely ravaged by the WORST this galaxy has to offer, UNLESS you’re invited by beings that…well, for lack of a better term, consist of that world. It’s all complicated, trust me, but the POINT GOES TO YOU ANYWAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
Fuuka: Ow, not again. Doesn’t this guy ever shut up?
Rebecca: We can make him shut up. Hee-hee.
MC Etcher: Ahahahaaa, we’re having fun, aren’t we? True or false: Oris Pendragon is the last survivor of Numenor.
Fuuka: That’s true, Emcee!
MC Etcher: And that it is! Although many Numenoreans had descendants, Oris is the only original inhabitant of that land! Next question! True or false: The founder of Phobos and Ares Academies was kicked out due to misusing information and researching catastrophic weapons.
Aseria: And this is the same person who assembled the Tome of Treasures? I’m going to say “false”. It doesn’t sound like something an educator would do.
MC Etcher: OH! I am sorry, but THE ANSWER IS TRUE!! Although his real name has been lost to all memory, this dangerous and brilliant man goes by another name! I’ll bet you know what I’m talking about! That’s right, he’s BOOLE! The very same man who hired Derian Kazcada, the Jackal, AND Changera to completely obliterate your sorry selves! So don’t underestimate this guy, because he’s got a WHOLE LOTTA weapons in his arsenal! Only two more to go before we tally up the score and see who’s living and who’s going to have a FATAL reception!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: True or false: The Fog Ninjas all come from one massive, enormously powerful source. Wow, that’s a gimme!
Shana: Yeah, you already told us that! It’s true!
MC Etcher: Pretty easy, no? And here’s the last one! Are you ready? Am I? True or false: You all have seen Origin before.
Rebecca: ……Hey, what are you all looking at me for?! I’m not Origin!! The answer’s false!
MC Etcher: Incorrect! You HAVE seen Origin before, with your very eyes! And what’s more, you’ve seen Origin on SEVERAL occasions! But I can’t tell you who or what it is, since even I don’t know!
Audience: (laughter)
Rebecca: Me hate you.
MC Etcher: Hahaha, I know. Well, folks, we’ve had a WONDERFUL game, haven’t we? Some big questions were finally answered, and our contestants learned a lot about themselves! …Maybe TOO much! But now it’s time to tally up the points! How many did you get right? How many did you get wrong? Which one of us will face complete extinction? Only ONE WAY to find out! Drum roll, please!
(drum roll)
(cymbal crash)
MC Etcher: IT’S A TIE!!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
Aseria, Rebecca, Shana, Fuuka, and Vimmy: WHAT THE (bleep)!!!
MC Etcher: This is UNPRECEDENTED, folks! But we can’t go around killing both parties, can we? …Hold on, let me ask my producer. (Psst, Merv! What do we do in case of a tie? …Ahuh. …All right, I get it. Okay, I guess that works. Thanks!) Okay! My producer has told me that in the event of a tie, we’re to have…A SUDDEN DEATH QUESTION!!!!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
MC Etcher: The Sudden Death Question is very simple! I ask you one question and give you no hints! You all have to agree on a single answer! If you win, YOU LIVE! But if you lose, it’s time to FEAR the Reaper! Are you ready?
Aseria: Do your worst! We’re not afraid, right?
Vimmy: Urgh, speak for yourself, oh, my nerves, my digestion, my poor heart, it can’t take the strain…
Aseria: We’re ready!
MC Etcher: For the grand prize of life itself, HERE…IT…COMES!
(drum roll)
MC Etcher: What was John Milton’s name for the lair of demons in Paradise Lost?
Aseria: Um…
Rebecca: Uh…
Shana: Hmm…
Vimmy: Oh dear…
Fuuka: …I know! I heard about this on Chrono Crusade! The answer is…Pandaemonium!
DING-DING-DING!!!
MC Etcher: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE WON THE GAME!!!
Audience: (cheering and applause)
Aseria: Wow, Fuuka’s otaku spirit actually saved the day.
Vimmy: I knew you could do it, Doctor Fujiwara, I just knew it, I always had confidence in you, brilliant play, maybe I should brush up on those animated programs you love, it seems they really come in handy—
Shana: I know, you rock, Fuji-san!
Rebecca: Yeah, you saved our (bleep), doc!
Fuuka: Oh! Th-thank you s-so much! I’m so happy, I…I don’t know what to do!
(celebratory theme music plays)
MC Etcher: And there you have it, folks! These five ASTOUNDING contestants have done the impossible and proved themselves worthy of living! They put their lives on the line and won them back IN STYLE! Of course, that means that this is the FINAL episode, since in just a few minutes, I am going to meet a terrifying demise! But it’s been fun, everybody! Thank you, brave contestants! Thank you, studio audience! And thank you, viewers from AROUND the galaxy! I hope you enjoyed watching…
Everyone: YOU…BET…YOUR…LIFE!!
Audience: (cheers and applause as the theme song plays)
(the host walks over to the guillotine, puts his head through the hole, and pulls on the cord with a big grin)
Aseria: …Let us never speak of this again.
All: Agreed!
CREDITS
Directed by Adam Smithee
Produced by Max and Leo Smithee
Props & Costumes by Shemp, Curly, and Moe Smithee
Teleprompter by Larry Smithee
Camera directed by Howard Johnson Smithee
Music composed by Ludwig von Smithee
Catering by Martha Smithee
Moose wrangling by Sven Smithee
Guillotine provided by Marie-Antoinette Smithee
Hosted by Master of Ceremonies Etcher Smithee (R.I.P.)
Promotional consideration sponsored by the Smithee Foundation
All members of our studio audience get to take home a dinette set and a toaster
“You Bet Your Life” copyrighted by the Smithee Foundation, MMDLXXVII. All names, licenses, and titles protected by law.
This has been an Adam Smithee production.
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Preview of next chapter
MC Etcher’s ghost: We sure had a lot of fun on today’s episode, even though it WAS the last. But now, it’s time our ladies return to their regularly-scheduled story. Armed with the truth, what kind of advances do you think they could make? There’s only ONE way to find out, home viewers! Don’t reach for that remote! Next time on “Voyage of the Dauntless”: “Mystic Alfheim: home of ancient gods and demons”. Catch you on the flip side! I…am…OUTTA here!!
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